6 Non-Scary Ways to Have the DTR Talk

1. Choose your battles ahead of time.

You're not going to change everyone's opinion about all of the things over the course of a meal and a football game. You might want to show up ready for a duel of words with your Facebook-meme-king cousin, but that's just going to put your opinionated family member on the offensive from the moment you walk in. Decide ahead of time if there's one issue that you really cannot keep your mouth shut about if it comes up, and have two or three talking points ready that clarify your position on that topic. If your hot button does get pushed, your talking points will help you keep from making things personal.

2. Confer with the host.

If you feel comfortable with the person that's organizing or hosting Thanksgiving, speak to him or her in advance about how you can be on Team Keep the Peace. Most people aren't keen on a political brouhaha breaking out around their dinner table, so they'll probably be relieved to hear that you're on board and willing to help make the day go smoothly for everyone. Brainstorm some ideas about seating arrangements or wholesome activities to fill the idle family time that can lead to trading barbs.

3. Make it a game.

Caitlin Bergstein, a Boston-based matchmaker and relationship expert for Three Day Rule, suggests a fun twist on the swear jar concept. “If your family is up for the challenge, you can even make it a game. Each time someone mentions something political, they have to put a dollar in a jar (or take a drink, depending on how your family celebrates the holiday). At the end of the night, that cash can be put aside for the next family get together!"

4. Have a moment of silence.

Sometimes the idea of a quiet table can be intimidating (all those chewing noises!), but encouraging a moment of reflection among your holiday guests can actually be transformative. Whether you observe several seconds of silence in honor of relatives you've lost, as a way to silently acknowledge your individual blessings, or as an act of prayer or meditation, you've hopefully brought the room back to focus on each other's company and the gift that it is to be together.

5. Be an active listener.

If your one doggedlypersistent aunt can't let go of her obsession with the latest political scandal, reconsider what she's actually trying to tell you. Chances are, it's not just about what she saw on the news. “Assume that your polarizing relative actually probably just wants to connect, feel respected, and reduce their own anxiety about holiday gatherings, and interpret even difficult behavior as such," advises Mary Fisher, a Salt Lake City psychotherapist who specializes in family relationships. “Express the desire to connect while redirecting the conversation," Fisher recommends. Emphasize the fact that you're interested in protecting the time your family spends together. That can help soften the blow when you ask to instead hear them share a family memory or talk about a hobby you both share.

6. Disengage.

Remember that if angry words or offensive language start flying at you across the sweet potato pie, you don't have to respond. Have a script in mind to use, something like, “While I hear where you're coming from, I don't share your opinion, and I'm done talking about it today." Convey the message that you're quite clear on the matter being discussed, and you're not going to take the bait. You may have to repeat yourself several times, or you may choose to remain silent until things cool down around you. Either one is okay.

7. Duck out early.

If you feel like you have to retreat from the situation entirely, do it. One of the best things about being an adult is leaving when you want to leave. You don't have to subject yourself, your spouse, or your family to any kind of dialogue that is insulting, bigoted, or aggressive. Fisher shares these words of advice: “While we might think that the holidays are the time to resolve differences, they are actually the time to affirm and nurture connection, which can be an uphill battle with politically polarizing relatives." If you don't feel like a connection is being nurtured and the environment is not good for you to be in, say goodbye and make a break for it.

“Good awkward speaks to this idea that a degree of risk-taking is required in order to grow and improve our circumstances or advance at work and in life," says Pryor.

But getting good at embracing those moments of awkwardness takes practice. "Awkwardness is a social emotion,” says Pryor. “We don't feel it when other people aren't around.” The holidays are the perfect time for flexing that muscle. We’re meeting new people. We’re facing family conflicts. We’re talking politics with more people who aren’t in our bubble. We’re having more social interactions at work and seeing relatives who may not always see our point of view.

Here are ways to survive holiday season awkwardness and face it with confidence and grace:

Calibrate your expectations.

"You don't see these people all year long oftentimes, so there's a degree of uncertainty that if we can anticipate it and level set our expectations, it helps us go into it, says Pryor. Have some strategies to call on in the moment too. “The first thing is naming it,” says Pryor. “When no one says anything, the tension actually gets thicker. But if somebody can playfully go, 'Oh, that was awkward,' or kind of own it or name it, it actually diffuses the tension, everyone can relax." You can also strategically use humor. "We can have talk tracks to playfully change the subject or exit the room, but we need to mentally prepare for them so that we can have tools at our fingertips in the moment when we need them."

Flip the script.

To help build self-awareness around the emotion, ask yourself a few questions, like what are the childhood stories and narratives I tell myself? Are you thinking of your awkward feelings as a state or a trait? A state = "I feel awkward right now" (and it's something that will pass, and I can handle) vs. a trait ("I'm so awkward all the time"), which feels more permanent, and less easy to work with, says Pryor.

“A lot of times when we experience awkward moments, we just want to remove ourselves from the situation. We don't want to think about it anymore. But there's actually a ton of value in data after that moment has eventually passed, to thinking about why did that feel so cringey or awkward or embarrassing to me? What does that represent?,” she says. Pryor uses a personal and relatable example to illustrate this point.

"I grew up in a South Asian household where my parents would often say an expression that means, 'What will other people think?' There was a lot of that constantly, so peel back the layers, understand what are the stories you're telling yourself." That awareness can help alleviate the negative self talk that happens post-awkward situation.

Play back a redemptive story.

Citing research from Professor Dan McAdams at Northwestern University, Pryor says we can tell ourselves contamination stories or redemptive ones. “You can't control your first thought, but you can control your second one," says Pryor. It's natural to think 'Well, that was awkward or that was embarrassing. And that's OK. "Our second thought, however, can be to continue to ruminate or turn it into an alternative," says Pryor. A contamination story is, "Oh my gosh, I can't believe that happened. I'm never going to speak up at the table again with these relatives," or "I'm never going to contribute to the conversation."

Or you can turn it into a positive, which is, "'Well, that didn't go how I hoped, but I'm proud of myself considering I don't see these folks often that I contributed to the conversation, learned a lesson from it. The next time, maybe I'll handle it differently, but I spoke up and I'm proud because I don't typically do so.' Can you look for the gifts in the garbage of that situation?," asks Pryor.

Finally, recognize the universality of awkward moments. We all feel them, and we can’t avoid them. But by naming it, diffusing it (with humor or just calling it out), and reality-checking our emotions and self-doubt vs. letting it dictate our actions can help us breeze through them with confidence and ease.

“Look for the evidence and the facts,” says Pryor. “You can also ask yourself, "What else is true?" For example, "I may feel awkward right now, but I'm also having this conversation and that's a huge step for me and worth being proud of."

1. Whenever something good happens, your friend can't just congratulate you.

This is such a subtle sign that's easy to miss, especially if you've been friends with someone for a long time. It could be that the other person doesn't even realize they have a habit of finding ways to belittle something you're excited about. However, Dr. Hafeez says this person is toxic if "they make backhanded compliments or subtle digs that leave you feeling unsettled but unsure if you should call it out." Adding on to this, Bayramyan feels this is "passive aggressive" behavior and agrees you may be "uneasy" about drawing attention to it.

My first time experiencing a fallout from this was four years ago and I've never forgotten how shocked my nervous system felt when I shared something that was met with a backhanded compliment. I don't know if it was my heightened hormones during pregnancy that made me pay attention or if I'd finally caught on to how unhealthy that was, but I was distraught. Needless to say, that friendship didn't last much longer when I couldn't shake the feeling that something in our dynamic had changed.

2. They have a tendency to start arguments with other friends the second they feel offended.

Imagine you and your friends have decided to go to someone's house party or even a bar as a unanimous decision. It seems like everything's going well until you decide to get a late-night snack. While eating, one of your friends makes a joke that everyone else gets, but another friend thinks it's directed towards them. Instead of asking, the offended friend becomes belligerent and starts cursing while everyone else is confused about why the atmosphere changed.

If this has happened more times than you can count, you may be dealing with a toxic person. Dr. Hafeez says, "Small issues are often blown out of proportion, leaving you feeling drained by unnecessary conflict." The more this person succeeds at creating something out of nothing, the more they create "unnecessary tension" and can even "make friends take sides or get emotionally burned by endless conflict," adds. Dr. Hafeez.

Once that happens, say goodbye to the "group trust" because a toxic person is adept at destroying "a tight-knit group," according to Dr. Hafeez. Bayramyan calls them "emotional vampires" because they "suck the energy out of you and out of different situations." She says, "Their lives may seem to revolve around conflict, and they may bring negative energy into every interaction, draining those around them."

3. They find ways to make you feel like you're a bad friend if you can't always lend them money.

There's nothing wrong with supporting friends when they're in need, but lending them money can be difficult. Some people, especially those closest to us, feel entitled to our time, money, and attention regardless of if you're able to be there in the capacity they need. Dr. Hafeez says that people like this will find a way to "guilt-trip you into doing things or make you feel responsible for their emotions."

Bayramyan points out, "Toxic friends often expect you to meet all their emotional needs, while they offer little to no support in return, making the friendship one-sided."

4. They won't admit when they can't (or just didn't) contribute money towards a planned dinner or trip.

Some people don't like being accountable even if it's something small to take responsibility for. "When something goes wrong, they always find a way to blame you or someone else, never taking responsibility," says Dr. Hafeez.

Say you and your friends agree to go to dinner or take a road trip. After agreeing on somewhere to eat, plane tickets, an AirBnb, or activities, it seems like there's an understanding about the portion everyone needs to pay. However, there's always one person who waits until the last minute to admit they're unable to pay for something. This usually happens after dinner or right before a trip. Instead of them admitting they weren't honest about their financial situation, they find a way to weasel out of being responsible for their lack of planning or honesty.

5. They intentionally leave you out of certain group plans.

Our friends are likely going to have other friends we've never met or have heard about in passing, but that doesn't mean you won't get along with them. However, Dr. Hafeez knows that toxic people will "sometimes leave you out of group activities or plans, but do so in ways that feel unintentional or 'accidental.'" If that keeps happening, you can ask your friend what gives or decide to keep your distance.

6. Despite how many times you help them, they're never available when you need someone to watch your dog or help you move.

Dr. Hafeez says people who only "reach out when they need something," but become "distant or unresponsive when you need them" are displaying a toxic behavior. Bayramyan says, "They may withdraw support or become distant when you need them the most, yet expect you to be there for them unconditionally." She further explains, "Whether it's your time, energy, or personal boundaries, they often push past your limits in ways that feel disrespectful or invasive. These are boundary violations." It's like that one friend who's always asking for you to pick them up from work, only to ghost you when you need their help with something.

As much as I don't want you to have someone in mind, I wouldn't be surprised if you told me you know or knew someone like this.

7. They can't stop talking about how people are always turning their backs on them.

If someone "frequently portrays themselves as the victim in every situation" while "never acknowledging their role in conflicts," they're probably toxic says Dr. Hafeez. It's actually not uncommon for people to develop this mindset, but it seems hard for them to break away from it. Some never do if we're being honest.

The best way to describe a person like this is to think about a friend who always feels like people turn their backs on them despite evidence showing that people have actually supported them despite many of their harmful actions or words. A person like this seems to expect unwavering loyalty and isn't interested in hearing that they're capable of being wrong.

Bayramyan says people like this truly "lack accountability" because "they rarely, if ever, apologize or take responsibility for their mistakes." Just like Dr. Hafeez says, Bayramyan agrees this makes people start "deflecting or blaming others."

8. They never seem to want to talk about anything related to your personal life (i.e. new job, engagement, favorite TV series, etc.), but love to hear themselves talk.

When "the conversation is always about them," Dr. Hafeez says toxic people "rarely show interest in your life or feelings." Friends like this always find a way to cut you off mid-sentence so they can talk about something that relates to them. It's not easy to stomach, but you may write it off as having an overly-eager friend.

9. They tend to downplay your wins and successes.

A toxic friend "won't celebrate your wins and often downplays or ignores your struggles," according to Dr. Hafeez. This may be rooted in their ability to properly support you or pure jealousy. Furthermore, she says a person like this may "subtly or openly compete with you or express envy instead of being happy about your achievements."

Have you ever had someone tell you a promotion wasn't a big deal because 'everyone gets a promotion'? Yeah...if one of your friends has something passive aggressive to say every time you're excited about something, it's time to ask yourself if it's really worth having them in your life.

10. They're snarky about your struggles, like breakups.

Everyone needs to take accountability for their actions, but it's odd if your friend is constantly criticizing you. If they seek ways to "constantly put you down, even under the guise of 'helpful advice,' Dr. Hafeez admits it's toxic behavior. There's no reason to call someone out of their name if you think they made an impulsive decision.

For example, your friend shouldn't be calling you a 'stupid b****' just because you dated someone you shouldn't have. We all make mistakes and sometimes this involves dating the wrong people. Based on my experience, I always feel like someone was looking for a way to call you something like that if they openly say it during a moment they're supposedly giving advice.

11. They openly diss a friend you have in common when that person isn't around

Let's be honest, a lot of people do this from church to family members. But if you've noticed your chosen friend consistently disses others when they're not around, it's a sign they're doing that with everyone. "They may even talk badly about you behind your back, show disloyalty in crucial moments, or side with others against you. There's inconsistent loyalty with toxic friends," says Bayramyan.

Not only that, but Dr. Hafeez says they could be "encouraging drama or division." Unfortunately, some people thrive on drama and love to include people in their misery.

Now that you know what toxic behavior is, here's how to redirect (or end) a friendship:

Ultimately, Dr. Hafeez says "toxic friends may cause dissension of friends by sowing seeds of doubt and animosity, often using manipulation or gossip to make others fight against one another." Your friends may even harbor sore feelings against you for refusing to see how much pain someone is causing. This stems from the toxic person's ability to "amplify insecurities by making some friends feel better or more important than others," she adds.

Toxic people have learned how to sway things in their favor in several ways. "By manipulating situations or twisting stories, toxic individuals can create misunderstandings or conflict between friends and turn friends against each other. They might intentionally pit friends against each other by comparing accomplishments or spreading jealousy, ultimately fostering resentment within the group," says Bayramyan.

Similar toe everything mentioned above, she says these people may control a friend group in the following ways:

1. Cancelling plans
2. Controlling group activities
3. Disrupting events

"Toxic friends may encourage clique-like behavior, subtly excluding certain people to create a hierarchy or division," says Bayramyan.

It's time to kick toxicity out of your inner circle and life. But how?

If you're noticing these sneaky signs in among your friendships, you may be ready to completely cut your certain people off. However, Bayramyan wants to stop and think first. "Before ending things, consider why the friendship feels toxic and how it's impacting your well-being. Reflect first, be sure of your reasons and consider whether reconciliation is possible," she says.

Her steps to ending a friendship involve:

1. Approach the conversation with empathy but clarity
2. Briefly explain your reasons without placing blame
3. After the breakup, set firm boundaries to avoid being pulled back in.
4. Avoid situations where you're tempted to engage in emotional conversations with them.

if you're having a hard time being upfront with you friend, Bayramyan says you can "reduce contact gradually" by being "kind but firm, explaining how the friendship no longer feels healthy." Honestly, I'd never recommend someone ghost their friend the way I did even knowing I didn't know how to properly handle the realization things weren't the same.

Of this Bayramyan says, "Some people may need closure, while others don’t. Understand what feels right for you—whether it’s a final conversation or cutting ties more gradually." Also, she wants you to lean on other friends, family, or a therapist to process the end of the friendship and to help reaffirm your decision."

More importantly, she says to '"allow yourself to grieve and move on without second-guessing your decision."

Here are five tips Dr. Hafeez has for you to get rid of toxic friends:

1. Set Clear Boundaries: If you're not ready to cut ties completely, start by setting firm boundaries—whether it's limiting contact, changing the nature of your interactions, or calling out specific toxic behaviors.
2. Be Honest but Respectful: If you choose to address the situation directly, be honest about why you're ending the friendship, but try to be calm and respectful rather than confrontational. Focus on how the relationship has affected you, rather than attacking them personally.
3. Keep It Short and Simple: You don't owe anyone an elaborate explanation. A straightforward "I don't think this friendship is healthy for me anymore" can be enough.
4. Don't Get Drawn into Arguments: Toxic friends may try to guilt-trip or argue with you. Stay firm in your decision and avoid getting dragged into emotional battles.
5. Prepare for Pushback: Be ready for them to resist or react negatively. They might try to manipulate you into staying or make you feel guilty, but stay confident in your decision.
6. Don't Feel Guilty: Ending an abusive friendship is self-love, not selfishness. It's okay to put your emotional well-being before keeping a toxic relationship.
7. Allow Time to Heal: After ending the friendship, give yourself time to process your emotions and heal. It might take some time to fully let go, but with support and reflection, you'll feel lighter and more at peace.