We usually associate temper tantrums with toddlers or kids who can't get their way. While that may be true to a degree, I've since learned they can also be the result of kids having a hard time processing their emotions. So, what if I told you some adults don't know how to do that either? It seems there's reasons why having your own meltdown isn't such a bad thing, according to licensed psychotherapist Madeleine Phelan, LMSW of Madison Square Psychotherapand licensed clinical social worker + therapist Michelle Hession of Key Counseling Group.
Hession actually utilizes Internal Family Systems (IFS) at her private practice which doesn't look at adult tantrums in a negative way. Instead, it's often "judged by other models," according to her. "From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, adult tantrums can be a healthy way to release built-up stress when done mindfully," she says. She adds, "These outbursts are often a sign that parts of us feel overwhelmed, unheard, or unseen. When we express that energy — whether through yelling into a pillow, stomping our feet, or shaking it out — it can instantly reduce stress and help reset our nervous system."
From discussing the benefits of having one to outlining safe ways you can openly express your emotions, they have all the helpful details about giving yourself permission to emote.
Learn why adult tantrums don't have to be a bad thing!
1. Have something go seriously wrong at work? A quick (& private) adult tantrum can help you express those emotions.
Even if you're one of the lucky people who love their job, nothing indicates things will go smooth sailing every day. Some times projects fall through because of miscommunication, misunderstandings, or a vindictive co-worker who looks to throw you under the bus every chance they get. Either way, it's sure to stir up big feelings that you may not know how to properly deal with.
As much as you may be trying to avoid this, having an adult 'tantrum' may be the very thing you need to do. Phelan says, "A tantrum can be a quick way to release pent-up frustration or anger."
2. Saw something crazy on your drive to Target? Adult tantrums actually help reduce cortisol in the body!
We've all had a front row seat to another driver's reckless behavior in traffic that's left us feeling rattled. We may have begun to grip our steering wheels even tighter despite developing sweaty palms. By the time we make it to our destination, we're likely on edge and in fight-or-flight mode. But instead of holding that energy in, Phelan suggests releasing it. "Releasing emotions and moving energy helps to regulate the nervous system and alleviate tension in the body," she says.
3. Journaling not your thing? Adult tantrums totally count as another way to express what's on your mind.
if you're not a fan of utilizing journal prompts or checking in with yourself, you may not know why you feel so upset about something. This can cause you to feel sad one minute and agitated the next. However, allowing yourself to have meltdowns can help you figure out what's bothering you so much.
Phelan says, "They can help clarify underlying emotional needs or frustrations." Not only that, but she says there's a reason why tantrums happen in the first place. "When we reach the point of having a tantrum, things have often been bubbling under the surface for some time, so reaching this breaking point can be a sign that something internal is needed our attention or to be expressed."
4. Did your partner make another passive-aggressive comment? An adult tantrum can help you figure out why you haven't talked to them about how that hurts your feelings!
While this is just an example of a way that you need to set boundaries, it's still a valid one that some people can unfortunately relate to. I'm currently saying a silent prayer for my 19-year-old self who dealt with a passive-aggressive partner.
But, are there healthy ways to have an adult tantrum?
According to Phelan, yes! I know this contradicts everything we've been taught in our communities about tantrums, but they don't have to look like the outbursts we've seen on social media. In her honest opinion, here are 5 ways to express yourself:
- In Private: Choose a safe, quiet place to express emotions.
- Physical Movement: Engage in activities like stomping, shaking, or throwing a pillow to physically move the stagnant, stuck energy.
- Breathing & Grounding: Use deep breathing or grounding exercises to manage intensity and release pent up emotions.
- Vocal Release: Scream into a pillow or use sound for catharsis.
- Journaling: Write down the intense emotions to release them without acting out.
Similar to Phelan's suggestions, Michelle also shares her top tips for having a "productive" tanrum:
- Find a private, judgment-free space.
- Use physical movement like stomping or shaking.
- Let emotions out vocally, but intentionally (a sigh or growl works better than a scream).
- Set a timer for just a few minutes.
- Reflect afterward: What does that part of you need?
In Michelle’s words:
"Set a timer, yell into a pillow, and ask yourself: What does this part of me need? (Just don’t scare your kids or get fired from your job!)”
Just because tantrums aren't horrific doesn't mean we're giving you a pass to be rude to others or have them whenever you want. Phelan warns, "They're inappropriate in certain settings, such as work environments and public places. They are also of course inappropriate if they involve harming yourself or others in any way." Hession says something similar in that she wants you to "avoid tantrums in public, around children, or at work" because "they can cause misunderstandings or even harm." It goes without saying, but violence is never the answer!
Also, Phelan and Hession want you to pay attention to how often you're using this as a way to calm down. "If tantrums become a consistent occurrence, healthier coping strategies are needed and therapy is a great place to start learning them," she suggests. Hessions feels that recurrent tantrums "may indicate unresolved trauma that's worth exploring in therapy."
Basically, therapy is always a great idea!
The final verdict? The occasional adult tantrum is okay, but don't rely it as you go-to method of regulation and expression every time you're struggling with your emotions!
Be sure to visit more self-care articles on Brit + Co!
