I laid in bed listening to the rain outside my window the other day. I could smell the wet grass through my window screen, and I was immediately transported to my college days — specifically a sunrise picnic in an open field. Sometimes, I miss who I was as a young adult. I worked hard and played hard, I had tons of friends, and I was protected by a bubble of community.
Well, adulthood popped that bubble, and navigating from a carefree 20-year-old to a mindful adult 10 years later has been quite the transition. While I can’t go back and change what I did back then, I can still reflect on what I’ve learned. Here are 20 things I wish I knew in my 20s.
Treat your body like a home you will live in for 80 plus years.
Illustration via Claire Shadomy
Your body can do some spectacular things, experiencing emotions and pleasure and everything in-between. Since you only get one your entire life, it’s important to keep your body in tip-top shape so you can move through the world with ease. Show your body love by moving it, eating well, getting enough sleep, and practicing good hygiene. Also, just as you would decorate your home, decorate your body in whatever way brings you joy.
Have standards before going into a relationship.
I know this seems obvious, but when I met my ex-boyfriend, I had been single for almost a year. I was fully focused on my career and close friends and family, so I was doing what was best for me at the time. We spent three wonderful years together, but unlike him who had come to the table with expectations I met, I came to the table with no expectations — and then they developed over time. That meant he needed to change some of his ways in order to meet them. If I could go back, I would have a clearer idea of what I was looking for before diving in.
Invest in experiences, not things. Money is important but you can't take it with you!
Illustration via Claire Shadomy
When I look back on my 20s, I don’t remember how much money I spent (other than that I spent it all). I remember where I was and who I was with when I spent it. These are the memories I want to take with me into my 30s, and God-willing, beyond that.
Take advantage of the free perks at your job.
When you land a full-time job, you’re usually persuaded with a “competitive salary and benefits.” I focused and harped on the salary as a 20-something-year-old, negotiating fiercely for what I was worth. But one year, I almost missed the opportunity to use my annual workspace stipend because I completely forgot about the perks! Make sure you know what your company's benefits are and take advantage of all the ones you can.
Travel often & see the world while you are young and healthy enough to enjoy it.
Illustration via Claire Shadomy
When your boss tells you to take your PTO, take it! Unplug from the real world and dip your toes into some wet sand, go zip lining through a lush forest, or enjoy some delicious street food in a food market.
Find a gym buddy.
For me, exercising is one of the hardest things to do because I simply don’t like it. I probably exercised an average of twice a week in my 20s, and while I felt more rejuvenated after each session, I often struggled to get there. If I could go back, I would find a gym buddy to motivate me, and I would switch it up with some indoor and outdoor classes.
Develop an identity outside of your career and job status.
Illustration via Claire Shadomy
You are not your job title, or your class status, or even a fixed human being. You are an ever-changing, ever-evolving force of nature. Don’t reduce yourself to what you do or who you know. Keep discovering yourself through adventure and creativity, and give yourself room to just be.
You don’t need that $30 bottle of wine — again.
I can’t tell you how much money I’ve spent on wine. Before I decided to go sober, I was able to drink an entire bottle by myself. The hangover wasn’t so bad, but the $60 a week missing from my checking account was. So was the anxiety and embarrassment. Indulge in the things that bring you pleasure, but set a limit so you don’t hurt yourself after you peak.
Put away money for retirement and max out your 401k (especially if there's a match!)
Illustration via Claire Shadomy
Most of us stop working when we become senior citizens. With little to no money coming in, we’ll need to support ourselves somehow. Plan ahead while you still have a job and enroll in a 401k. This will guarantee you have some money put away for retirement, and your money will grow even more if your company offers any kind of match. Free money? Yes, please.
Drink less, in general.
You don’t realize how much your life revolves around drinking until you decide to stop, cold turkey. Happy hours after work were very enticing. Open bars at weddings used to bring out the glutton in me. And drinking trends, like spiked seltzers and espresso martinis, were incredibly hard to resist. But looking back on it, I probably drank for three or four days out of the week — for years — and that’s terrifying to me. All the time I dedicated to moments I can’t remember would’ve been better spent reading more books, watching more shows, or simply getting to know myself more deeply.
If someone's actions tell you who they are, believe them.
Illustration via Claire Shadomy
I don’t know how many times I’ve hurt myself hanging with the same people who’ve brought me the same results: pain and confusion. There’s a time and place for second chances, but by the third or forth, you should probably let them go. People are who they show you, not who you want them to be.
Some of your friendships won’t survive your 20s.
This is probably the most painful revelation I’ve had to learn in my young adulthood. I’m constantly developing myself, so some of the things I did while I was in college no longer resonate with me. As fun as some of my friendships were, some of them were painful reminders of who I was no longer trying to be, so I had to let them go. It’s okay to outgrow your friendships, and it's okay to be sad about it.
Stop worrying about the past. You can't change it, so learn from it and move forward.
Illustration via Claire Shadomy
The past isn’t meant to depress us; it’s meant to teach us. In a perfect world, you’d be able to go back and do what you did differently, but how would you know any better? Honor your past by applying the lessons you’ve learned to your present circumstances.
Read more self-help books.
Every year, I say I’m going to read more, and every year…I can count on one hand how many books I’ve actually read. As a lifelong learner, I’m always hungry for new information. But it wasn’t until recently that I started buying nonfiction books instead of forcing myself to read fictionalized stories. Now, instead of browsing through Netflix for a documentary on the body or mind, I buy a book about it. I’ve read four books in the last two months. How’s that for reaching a reading goal?
You won't always have your sh!t together and that's OK!
Illustration via Claire Shadomy
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve started my life over. I changed careers from teaching to writing in 2018. I moved from New York to Texas, then back to New York in 2022. And as I explore my spirituality and religion, my beliefs shape my thoughts and behaviors. This is all a part of the process. Just take each day as it comes and do your best with it.
Spend less time on social media.
Have you ever noticed that when you’re on the Instagram Explore page, the more you doom scroll, the more eerie the posts seem to get? I’ll never forget the time I got jump-scared watching a video of a cat dunking a phone into a fish tank next to some man who looked like the Joker who appeared to be crawling out of it (I know, I don’t get it either). I’ve learned how to set healthy limits on social media since then. If I have something to post, I’ll post it, and maybe I’ll click through the stories (or let’s be honest, rewatch my own), but I force myself off the app once I lose my intention.
No one judges you as often as you think they do.
Illustration via Claire Shadomy
I don’t know about you, but I tend to freak myself out by assuming what others think of me. What if I’m annoying, or too bossy, or just straight up boring to them? Well…who cares?! Their perception of you is a reflection of who they are. Chances are, if they’re thinking about you at all, they’re comparing themselves to you, and the only truth in that process is what they know about themselves, not who they think you are.
You make more time by being more present.
Whether we have 30 more years to live or 60, what matters most is how we spend it. I spent many of my young adult years mindlessly obsessing over celebrities, finding the next party, and running away from things rather than changing my responses to them. When I reflect on the last 10 years, the things that mattered most to me were the times where I was the most present. Moving forward, I will keep this same energy so I can enjoy the life that was gifted to me.
Words have power, but actions shape our lives.
Illustration via Claire Shadomy
The saying “actions speak louder than words,” always rings true. You don’t reach a goal by simply “speaking it into existence.” You come up with a plan and act on it — then, it comes true. Honor the process of feeling and thinking, and when you’re ready, create a strategy to bring it to life.
Write that book you keep daydreaming about.
I’ve wanted to write a book since 2017. There’s one specific book idea that comes to mind, and it touches on everything from spirituality, to homosexuality, to healing, to God — but ask me how many times I’ve sat down to write it. Since then, I’ve come up with more book ideas, and while this excites me, it also leaves me feeling overwhelmed. Now, at almost 30, I’ve enrolled in private sessions with an author to hold me accountable. No more excuses! It’s time to tell my story.
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