Admit it: you rolled your eyes when your friend talked about scoring tickets to see Beyoncé'sRenaissance tour or Taylor Swift's The Eras Tour. You've probably even looked at her sideways when she's shared she pays 50% of her household bills because you don't think modern women should do that.
Whatever your reasoning is, you're aware that you have a habit of judging how your friend spends money and feel like you should stop. But friends shouldn't lie to each other, right? Eh, we've yet to see lying in relationships produce healthy results, but overstepping boundaries is just as worse. This is especially true if your friend doesn't always ask for your financial opinions.
Want to know why you keep doing it even though you're making your friend uncomfortable? Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner Navjot "Navi" Hughesof Empower Mental Health has a few hints so pull up a chair to see what gives!
4 reasons you're lowkey obsessed with how your friends spend money
Jayda Anderson
1. You're using money as a way to compare yourself to your friend.
Seeing it worded like this sounds harsh and is sure to illicit the following responses:
- "Are you kidding me? I'd never do that!"
- "There's no comparison between my friend and I. I love them too much to do that."
- "It's not like I'm hurting my friend when I try to give them advice."
Even if you're not proud of it, there's a reason why comparison feels a embedded. Hughes says you're zeroing in on your friend's finances because of your "mindset." She further explains, "...we compare because money either separates you or brings you together. It's a social comparison because it's one of the most powerful tools to create the life you desire." This checks out if you and your friend are always talking about the kind of futures you want.
Here's the clincher: Hughes says, "Some are motivated by others, and some become jealous and hopeless."
Tima Miroshnichenko
2. The childhood lessons you learned about money are on full display.
Did you grow up hearing "money doesn't grow on trees" or "Anyone who doesn't save their money is being wasteful?" You may not think about it, but plays a role in how you look at other people's habits. Hughes says, "...judgment comes from our social upbringing. Some people have a scarcity mindset, so they hoard all their money." This could explain why you're less likely to spend money on things you consider frivolous while thinking your friend who does has lost a grip on reality.
The other side of this is being in a position where you didn't have to worry about money growing up. "If you are from a wealthier family, you know that money is a tool that flows." But, you're not off the hook from having negative opinions about others. You could still "judge others for not being smart and investing their money," according to Hughes.
Shaunna Levy
3. You may be jealous of your friend or annoyed with their complaints.
You can adore your friend while envying them for having the luxury to do whatever they want with their money. It's not to say they're truly in the position be carefree, but their ability to believe they'll be okay no matter what may make you see green. Then again, you may resent your friend for complaining about financial hardships they're in because of bad choices.
Like Hughes has mentioned earlier, there's so many reasons why everyone judges each other. She reiterates, "Usually, it's a place of jealousy," and it can show up differently based on your friend's circumstances.
"If your friends travel and you can't afford it, it creates discontent," she uses as an example, but "if your friends complain about not having money and bad spending habits, you may be annoyed and frustrated because their habits don't align with their perceived values," she adds.
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4. You're unable to handle the same criticism you're dishing out.
It's easy to judge others for doing something we think isn't right, but it's harder to accept the same vein of criticism. Hughes says people who consistently critique their friends' spending habits wouldn't have a hard time paying attention to their own choices if they were genuinely seeking "expert guidance on how to manage money instead of avoiding it."
For example, you could feel envious of the friend who has a good relationship with money while you're always spending it as soon as you get paid. "Some people cannot hold on to cash because they don't feel they deserve it. It's the subconscious programming that prevents them from making changes," says Hughes.
Emma Ripperdan
Here's what to do if you're truly concerned about your friend's finances
Approach the topic delicately
Sometimes we love to pose aggressive interventions with our friends because we "know" them. While this may work in some cases, it could backfire if you're adding to the guilt they're already feeling.
"If they ask for feedback or they complain in a moment, you can get curious and ask questions that allow them to realize their mistakes," suggests Hughes. Don't go thinking this is your shining moment to make your friend change, however.
"Ultimately, it's up to that person to receive feedback. If they don't want the input, it's best not to express your opinion as it doesn't impact you..." Hughes remarks.
Pavel Danilyuk
Here's how to set a firm boundary with a friend who can't keep their opinions to themselves
If you've found yourself on the receiving of constant opinions about how you spend money, we know you're annoyed. We're irritated for you because invasive questions or thoughts about money can ruin a longstanding friendship!
You can say something like, "While I appreciate your concerns, I will figure this out". You must take control of the conversation and be assertive if others are crossing a boundary. This usually reflects a lack of boundaries in relationships beyond finances- so chances are your relationship already lacks boundaries.
Need more money tips? You'll love browsing our articles about budgeting, saving money, and more!
