13 Breakup Texts & Conversation Starters To Help You Navigate Messy Relationships

What Pop Culture Gets Wrong About Single Women

Did you know that 50% of people who aren't in relationships actually aren't looking for one (via Pew Research Center)? Yet, pop culture still has conflicting ideas about what this looks like for women (think everything from Sex and the City to Dead to Me). However, it seems that finding a new partner to fill a loneliness void seems to be at least one character's goal.

As a journalist and author of Single: Living A Complete Life On Your Own Terms, Nicola's noticed this too."There is this assumption that all single women are miserable and desperate and that our biggest concern is how we can quickly find a man in order to quickly end what people assume is a terrible state to be in," she says.

Guess what she sees that debunks this myth? "...most single women I know live good and full lives and dating is only a small part of their lives. We have so much more going on and being single is not a waiting room," she shares. To further prove uncoupled people aren't curled up in a dark corner crying into a bowl of ice cream, she features insights about singledom in her book.

"Lots of people I spoke to for my book were either taking a break from dating or simply not interested, yet those stories are rarely told when it comes to books and films and TV shows," she points out. But sadly, "single women are often the butt of the joke," according to her.

Rewrite The Rules

If you consider yourself to be a content person who has unlimited things to do on a Sunday? I'm so happy you've found your happy little groove, but I'm also rooting for you if you feel you're wondering about aimlessly because you're not dating someone.

Here's what Nicola has to say about this: "I think one of the first things I would say is to let go of the idea that you’re somehow in a waiting room waiting for your life to start if you don’t have a partner." Having been in your shoes, she says "there used to be so many things," she avoided. "...I felt like I should do them with a romantic partner until I realized I was holding myself back," she gently shares.

She's also conscious that "there is this idea that you need to be coupled up in order to be complete." But, no! "...you're a whole person and, in the words of one of my interviewees Bella De Paulo, one is a whole number," Nicola exclaims.

Navigating Singleness When You're Thinking About Fertility

The conversation about reproductive rights has made some people reconsider conceiving, but others are still open to becoming parents. If you're one of the few people who's worried about your biological clock ticking as a single person, Nicola and I want you to know your feelings are valid. In fact, she says "this is such a tough position to be in" and that she does "understand the pain and feelings of panic that you can feel as you get older and know your fertility must be declining."

Frankly, she acknowledges "it feels like a race against time," but your choices aren't limited. "I would say start researching your options. You can quite easily get a fertility check to see how you’re doing. Plus, thanks to advances in sciences, you can also freeze your eggs," she suggests. She knows "it's not guaranteed to work, but it may help you further down the line."

Also, understand that you don't have to deal with this by yourself. You can "reach out to support groups" like the community Nicola runs for uncoupled people. "It's associated with my newsletter and there are lots of people in the same boat. It can help to feel less alone," she says. Another resource she recommends is the "Stork and I community for those considering solo motherhood by choice (with a sperm donor)."

Moving On After A Long-Term Relationship Ends

You thought you and your former sweetheart were destined to be together forever until a bad breakup left you feeling disoriented. Nicola says she understand this feeling because she's "been there" too! But this isn't the time to pretend like you can bounce back like nothing happened.

"Firstly it’s OK to feel absolutely awful - it’s normal actually! It helped when I understood the science behind heartbreaks - there is a reason you feel so bad - which tells us that those going through heartbreak are experiencing similar feelings to those who are going through withdrawal from a drug addiction," she discloses.

The second thing she's sure about is that "your life is not over, but it's OK to take things day by day for a while." I don't remember how long it took to heal, but I was distraught after my last breakup. I thought I'd found the person I was going to marry and have children with so when it was obvious things weren't working out, I cried for a long time. Eventually, I was able to find joy in small things and went on to build a life I love.

And that's what Nicola wishes for you too! "Look after yourself, treat yourself and take it easy. Don’t try and push yourself to be happy and over it before you are," she advises.

Solo Date Ideas To Celebrate Yourself

Solo date ideas are very much a thing I stand behind and does Nicola. "Sometimes I have chosen to completely ignore the day but other times I have embraced it and chosen to celebrate the love I have for myself. One year I took myself out for a meal one lunchtime at a spot I consider I real treat. I then bought myself flowers on the way home," she divulges. TBH, this sounds like my kind of carrying on!

She continues with, "Other things I’ve done on Valentine’s or on my birthday include booking a spa day or going for a massage, going to the cinema — which is one of the easiest solo date ideas as everyone is quiet and doesn’t speak when the film is on so you don’t need to go with anyone anyway — and choosing a recipe you have never tried before (bonus points if it’s something elaborate) and cooking yourself a slap up meal."

Nicola also says a guest writer for The Single Supplement newsletter "once wrote about a three course meal she lovingly prepared for herself because why not? You deserve to be treated, so you may as well treat yourself!"

What Loving Yourself While Single Feels Like

So, what does it mean to be 100% okay with being single? For Nicola, she's been finding new things to admire about herself. "I’ve learned just how capable and resilient I am and I now have the knowledge that I am OK - more than OK - on my own." One of the things that makes me smile is her realization that this "feels like a super power to her" in light of knowing she "used to have such a tendency towards being co-dependent in relationships."

It's evident my younger self didn't see this, but I too relied heavily on former partners for joy, fun, love, and validation. I thought that they were the answers to things that didn't feel right in my life, but that wasn't the case. The awesome thing about growth, however, is the ability to make peace with who you are and things you learned along the way.

To that Nicola says, "If I did find someone, I think I would be in a much healthier place than I used to be. But equally, if I remain single, I now know I can still lead a joyful life that’s full of love."

Check Out Nicola Slawson's "Single: Living a Complete Life On Your Own Terms" Today

Single: Living a Complete Life On Your Own Terms by Nicola Slawson

1. "You're crazy."

As soon as you tell your partner that they're "crazy" during a fight, you're suggesting that you don't trust their judgment or reasoning. Moreover, you're implying that their emotions are irrelevant and they don't have a right to feel the way they do.

Rather than jumping to this damaging statement, take a step back and try to truly listen to what they're upset about.

2. "I don't care."

On a similar note, telling your partner that you "don't care" when they're attempting to share their concerns is a recipe for disaster.

You're immediately shutting down any opportunity to resolve the issue at hand together and, again, invalidating your partner's feelings. Couples are supposed to care and support each other, especially during tough times, so saying "I don't care" is a cop-out that won't solve your argument any sooner.

3. "You always..." or "You never..."

"Always" and "never" are absolute phrases, meaning the behavior referred to actually has to occur every single time. If there's one thing that's true about humans, though, it's that we don't tend to do anything 100% the same way in literally every scenario.

These absolute phrases are typically used during fights to call attention to habit patterns. But while they may feel appropriate in your mind, it can feel like an attack on your partner.

Moreover, saying they "always" or "never" do something will only add fuel to the fire if it's not entirely true.

4. "Why can't you be more like..."

We all have a relative or friend who seems to have a picture-perfect relationship. So, in times of irritation, it can be tempting to ask why your partner can't be more like your best friend's boyfriend, for instance, or your brother's girlfriend.

Just remember that comparison is the thief of joy, and in relationships, it can plant seeds of doubt about your love in your partner's mind. We are supposed to care for our significant others unconditionally, but by comparing them to someone else, you're implying that they aren't enough for you.

5. "You'd do it if you loved me."

There's nothing more immature or damaging than trying to emotionally blackmail your partner into doing something you want.

It's manipulative, pressuring, and shows that you don't respect your partner's boundaries. It can also create an imbalance of power and cause your significant other to feel taken advantage of.

6. "You've changed."

Evolution is how humans survive, so it is natural for people to change in relationships, whether they be romantic or platonic.

When partnerships grow from short to long-term, different life events are bound to happen, too. Being presented with struggles or trauma and how we cope with those challenges can change a person.

So, accusing your partner of "changing" with a negative connotation is unhealthy. It suggests that things are supposed to stay stagnant, never transforming, which isn't realistic and will probably just be perceived as judgmental.

7. "My ex would never do that."

Just like how you shouldn't compare your significant other to people in other happy relationships, you should never compare them to your exes, either.

First, this will definitely escalate the argument, making your partner feel angry and insecure. On top of that, they may begin to question your love and trust, wondering if you'd rather be with your ex than them.

8. "This was a mistake."

It's never smart to make choices when tensions are high. That's why you should avoid making snap decisions about your relationship in the middle of arguments.

Once you utter the words "this was a mistake," it signals that you don't believe in your relationship at all. Whether you mean it or not, this statement can be extremely hard to come back from once things settle down and you want to make amends.

9. "I don't find you attractive anymore."

Saying "I don't find you attractive anymore" can be intended in two different ways. Perhaps you're trying to hurt your partner's feelings in regard to their appearance, or you mean their behavior is making them unattractive in your eyes.

Either way, bringing aesthetic opinions into play during an argument isn't productive. Instead of focusing on the actual issue at hand, you're just upsetting your partner more and introducing another thing to fight about.

10. "Your parents are the reason why..."

Maybe you're in a relationship with someone who dealt with childhood trauma. Or their parents might not approve of their partnership.

It's undeniable that both of these scenarios can make nurturing a romantic relationship more difficult. So why use your shared grievance as ammunition against your partner?

By involving their family in your argument, you're creating a divide between you and your partner rather than trying to tackle whatever problem you're facing as a united front.

11. Saying Nothing

Along with all of these statements, saying nothing to your partner during an argument is just as harmful. Stonewalling them or giving them the cold shoulder isn't going to solve anything, and it makes you seem uncompassionate and immature.

Think about it: how would you feel if you were trying to express your feelings, and the person on the receiving end walked away or went on their phone, ignored eye contact, and said nothing in response? Would that diffuse the situation or make you feel heard? Probably not.

12. "Divorce."

Last but not least, you shouldn't ever call for divorce in the midst of a fight. After tying the knot with someone and making vows to stick by their side through thick and thin, asking for a divorce is serious.

Separation threats shouldn't be tossed around casually, and even if you don't truly mean it, merely uttering the word can lead your partner to doubt and second-guess your relationship.

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Glass Coconut Water & Orchid Jar Candle

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EOS Shea Better Cashmere Whipped Oil Body Butter

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A New Day Berry Basket Earring Set

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MCoBeauty Jelly Cheek & Lip Stick

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Threshold Stoneware Cabbage & Bunny Dessert Bowl

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Brightroom Flocked Hangers

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Threshold & Studio McGee Gingham Scalloped Edge Outdoor Lumbar Pillow

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Wild Fable Lace Trim Seamless Jersey Tank Top

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MCoBeauty Makeup Grip Primer

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Universal Thread 'Optimistic' Ribbed Cushioned Crew Socks

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CeraVe Foaming Face Wash

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Wild Fable Gingham Bow Hair Clip Set

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