I’m 29 and I don’t have kids. I’m also not sure that I want to. I love my nieces and nephews — all 19 of them — but I’ve seen how exhausted my sister gets when she lectures one, changes two, and cooks an elaborate meal for all four of them. I’ve seen my brother sacrifice self-care to plan birthdays, attend volleyball games, pick the kids up from school, and so on. And I can only imagine how hard it’ll be to balance a full-time job, full-time child, full-time spouse, me-time, and eight hours of sleep (I’m tired just from writing that) because my other brother does it everyday.
Their spouses are a huge help, and I admire their teamwork and parenting skills, but it still takes a village to raise a child — and I’m perfectly happy being a villager. I’m also not the only woman who feels this way.
Image via Armin Rimoldi / PEXELS
“Chile.. I don't even know if I want kids anymore. It sounds nice but idk if I want to sacrifice like that,” said one woman on Twitter. In a quote tweet the next day, she expresses that she would be a stay-at-home mom if she received a $6,000 allowance from her husband in exchange for cooking, cleaning, and caretaking. Recent research by eharmony shows that 23% of people who don’t want children see cost as the main barrier.
Fifteen percent of people also said that lower independence is another leading reason. Take Kelly Shoul, for example: a 33-year-old full time photographer and wife. “I love my life, my freedom, and my sleep. I spend my time doing what I want, when I want. I travel often and I’m selfish with my money and my time. I can’t picture taking care of a baby right now, and I don’t want to.”
Some women grow up wanting to have kids, but change their minds over time. Ashley Elizabeth, the founder of Sweet Pea Lifestyle, is one of them. “I thought I would go to college, fall in love, get married, and have four kids by now,” she explains. “Fifteen years ago, having children was my goal in life. But having polycystic ovary syndrome and endometriosis, I know it would be a rocky road, so having kids just isn't something I want to do.” She’s still open to having kids, if that’s the direction her life takes, but she’s 100% okay with that not happening. “I feel really content with my lovely single life,” she says.
While choosing to remain child-free is largely a personal choice, many external factors can also contribute to someone's decision. One Reddit user says her state laws play a big role. “I live in a state with some of the strictest anti-trans bills, and I can’t help but imagine if my child was transgender, about how they would be in danger or could not express themselves. That would be awful. I have plenty of reasons to not have children, and my state has given me another big one.” For her, having kids would require moving states or limiting her child’s self-expression. “I can’t allow my future children to suffer because the state says something is wrong with them or I’m a bad mother for letting them be themselves,” she says.
But despite the amount of women who don’t want to have children, there are still plenty of women who love being mothers. Shannon Pfeffer, mother of three and certified health and wellness coach at Syrup Coaching, says her children give her a purpose: “It makes you tougher, stronger, and calmer than you ever thought. It eliminates seeking for answers, in one day, the day your child is born, life gives you your North Star. Everything you do from that point is guided by that star. And boy, is it brilliant, bright, and the most wonderful thing you’ve ever seen.”
Pfeffer fully supports women who don’t want to have kids because she used to be one of them. “It’s every woman and person’s right to choose to have kids or not. As someone who didn’t want to have kids for a big part of my life, I get it. But now on the other side with three young kids, the wholeness and completeness I feel, I would have never felt that on my own, without my kids in my life.”
And then there are the mothers who don’t have biological children. This includes stepmothers, foster mothers, and adopted mothers. Michaela Bucchianeri, The Anxious Stepmom, says, “I've never regretted my decision not to have kids, but I have embraced my unexpected role as a stepmother. Entering into a relationship with a parent prompted me to begin a whole new process of reflecting on what I wanted. My time is split between co-parenting and child-free living, and that has brought me loads of joy and fulfillment. It's a unique option, for sure, and one I never would've imagined!”
Image via KoolShooters / PEXELS
There are several ways to be a mother, and several reasons to stay child-free, but one principle remains the same: it is a woman’s choice (along with her partner’s) to become a mother. It’s also her choice to decide what kind of mother to be.
So who knows? Maybe I’ll become a mother when the time feels right. With my 30th birthday creeping around the corner, it is definitely on my mind. But I would need a stable relationship and income before I can consider that. Until then, I have plenty of niblings to make up for it — and I’d rather be the best aunt I can be.
What are your thoughts on modern motherhood and choosing to be childfree? Let us know on Twitter!
Header image via Garon Piceli / PEXELS
