Relationships are never the easiest thing to manage. Whether you’re balancing family and friends, adjusting your lifestyle to mesh with your partner’s, or moving in with a new roommate, relationships come in all sorts and sizes. While it may seem like “common knowledge” as to what’s healthy versus unhealthy in any given relationship, there are many more intricacies that go into the interdependent relationships we build with one another. Codependency is one of those intricacies that you may not even know you’re living with, but could be incredibly harmful for both you and the other person in your relationship.
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Codependency plays a huge role in mutual satisfaction, and can quickly stop you and your partner from having an equally fulfilling, healthy relationship — and it can sabotage your ability to function independently. In its simplest form, a codependent relationship is a severe imbalance of power. Often, "one person may be giving much more time, energy and focus to the other person, who consciously or unconsciously takes advantage of the situation in order to maximize their needs and desires," Cleveland Clinic shares. We should also note that codependency exists beyond the constraints of traditional, romantic relationships. They can exist with anyone, including your boss, friends, colleagues or family members.
“All relationships are based on a philosophy that if it works for you, it works for me,” says clinical psychologist Dr. Coda Derrig at Cleveland Clinic, “but taken to an extreme, it can be that without the relationship, people can’t function very well, so the relationship becomes unhealthy.”"When power dynamics are flipped, and one person’s needs and desires take precedent over another’s, it can feel mutually beneficial at first," says Dr. Derrig. "It’s nice knowing you’re supporting your partner’s success and happiness. However, done to the extreme you can lose sight of your own values, responsibilities and needs, and ultimately lose sight of who you are...You feel like you’re really contributing something positive, especially at the beginning, but later on, you can become increasingly resentful and unhappy or even lose control because no matter how hard your efforts are, you can never succeed in saving the other person. In fact, it often just makes it worse and worse.”
Here are 10 signs to identify a codependent relationship.
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1. You feel like you need to save them from themselves.
To paraphrase from Cleveland Clinic, in a codependent relationship, one partner often takes on the role of a caretaker. Maybe they never pick up after themselves, are dealing with an active addiction, or have a hard time paying bills. As the caretaker, you step in to pick up the pieces, trying to guide them along the way to better and more positive solutions. At first, this behavior is redeemable — of course you would do anything to see your partner succeed — but it’s on the other person to make real and lasting change, so you can only do so much. Ultimately, this becomes a one-sided relationship.
“There’s an excessive sense of responsibility for the other person’s behavior and emotions,” says Dr. Derrig. “The partner may even play into that, suggesting, for example, that it’s your fault they drank last night or it’s your fault they got in trouble because you didn’t come pick them up from the bar.”
2. You want to change them.
No one is perfect, but there’s a difference between having a small tiff over the way someone loads the dishwasher versus fundamental differences in character and beliefs. “Maybe you’re a homebody, but your partner digs the club life: If you’re staying home and hope to eventually convince them to do the same, or if you’re forcing yourself to go out when you don’t want to in the hopes that your small act of kindness might convince them to give up a life of partying, you may be practicing codependent behaviors,” says Dr. Derrig. “The truth is, you can’t change other people if they’re unwilling to make that change themselves.”
3. Self-care feels selfish.
"Does it feel wrong to be without them? Does it feel off to do things you used to love doing before you met them? Can you spend just a couple of hours outside of your comfort zone without relying on their presence for self-care? If you find it difficult to be motivated to do the things you’d normally love doing when your partner isn’t around, this is a sign you may be codependent," says Cleveland Clinic.
4. You have trouble explaining how you feel about your relationship.
Is it hard to identify the positive and negative in your relationship? “This might be because you’re so focused on the other person in your relationship that you’re not spending much time processing your own feelings and emotions,” says Dr. Derrig. “In doing this, you might be avoiding your own problems or feelings and replacing them with the high that comes from simply satisfying your partner, and this is a double-edged sword.”
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5. You feel anxious when you don’t hear from them.
Do you stress out over whether or not your partner has responded to that absolutely hilarious meme you just sent? Do you check to see if their read receipts are on? What about their location? Who are they with? Why aren’t they responding to you?! If you find yourself panicking or thinking up worst-case scenarios during large gaps of time when you're not together, it’s may be because you’re excessively reliant on your partner for satisfaction.
6. You have trouble being alone.
Can you sit by yourself comfortably or at rest without feeling like you need to be with them? Alone time is imperative to your overall health and wellbeing, and if you find yourself never sitting with your thoughts in fear of what they might say, there’s a chance your relationship isn’t as healthy as you may think.
7. You routinely cancel plans to spend time with your partner.
Send this to that friendthat always cancels on you because their hipster BF wants to hang out with his friends again.
If you realize friends or family have stopped reaching out to you for seemingly no reason, take a look at your responses. Have you canceled on them a lot? Or brought up your partner 10 too many times when absolutely no one has asked? Maybe you carve out too much space for your partner out of fear you’ll miss your opportunity to maintain a connection with your partner. Or perhaps you’re too good at canceling plans at the last minute because you’re prioritizing your partner over other relationships.
“When we become increasingly enmeshed in our relationship, we’re no longer connecting with others outside of the relationship,” says Dr. Derrig. “Don’t let the codependent relationship become all there is.”
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8. Your space doesn’t feel like it’s yours.
This is not an excuse to take down your partner’s miniature Star Wars action figure they begged to have on display, BTW…even if it doesn’t match your aesthetic. However, if your home feels less like a sanctuary and more of an unfamiliar space (especially when your partner isn’t there), or if you’re feeling overly anxious or waves of sadness rush in when you return home alone, you may need to find small ways to reclaim your environment by organizing things how you like them and finding some comfort.
9. You feel like you ask for too much.
Don’t be hesitant to speak up for what you need, even if you’re afraid of the outcome. You are not “too demanding” when you make the smallest requests, and your ideas to fix a problem are valid, even if your partner shuts them down. "Communication is paramount in a relationship, but if you’re feeling guilty for addressing specific issues or you’re feeling unsure of whether you’re right or wrong for feeling the way you feel, your partner may be gaslighting you," Cleveland Clinic shares.
10. Their behavior escalates when you try to set healthy boundaries.
Healthy boundaries are paramount to any healthy relationship. If you’ve tried to set healthy boundaries with your partner but their behavior continues to escalate in spite of your attempts, this is a surefire sign that their needs take precedence over your own. “This behavior could lead to severe feelings of resentment or regret, creating a perpetual unending pattern of distress for both people,” says Dr. Derrig.
Can a codependent relationship be saved?
With some serious work from both parties — maybe.
Here are some tips to save a codependent relationship, courtesy of Cleveland Clinic and Dr. Derrig.
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1. Get a trusted outside perspective.
When you’re in the thick of it, it’s easy to get so caught up in your emotions and feel a little lost. Turn to your family, friends or other trusted individuals for advice. Chances are, they’ve noticed changes in your behavior or signs the dynamic of your relationship might be a bit skewed.
2. Check in with yourself and re-examine your value system.
Your core values are a system of beliefs that drive everything you do. Make a list of your core values and ask yourself, “Where have I made sacrifices? What am I taking responsibility for here? How am I feeling about myself? How am I feeling about my career?” Be brutally honest. Only you have the power to change your path.
3. Create a timeline of your relationships.
“Often, people who are codependent will exhibit patterns of behavior across different relationships over time,” Dr. Derrig says. “By journaling about your past relationships and revisiting some of the things that worked and didn’t work, you can try and determine if you’re repeating patterns of behavior in past relationships. By identifying these patterns, you can isolate the things you can work on and how they’ve made you feel in the past — and that knowledge can help you better navigate your present and future relationships.”
4. Set healthy boundaries.
Though this process is difficult, it’s incredibly important. “I think a codependent relationship could become healthier if both parties are willing to do the work,” says Dr. Derrig. “If both people are relatively healthy, they might be able to reshuffle the dynamic mutually. Both parties have to be open to communicating and listening to one another, while also taking responsibility for their own actions. Sometimes, this requires both parties to be intentional about what they’re doing and, again, checking in with themselves while honoring the other person’s boundaries.”
Signs you should leave.
If your relationship ever becomes dangerous or abusive, seek immediate help and find a way to end the relationship.
“It’s partly a question of your own individual values,” says Dr. Derrig. “After you’ve done a lot of work around your self-image, you might think carefully about how important it is to be supported and cared for in your relationship. How little are you willing to accept? I think knowing yourself helps find a wise response to that question.”
For help related to domestic abuse, call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline 24/7 at 800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.
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