Salad isn't known as being a winter comfort food, but seasonal produce like persimmons, squash and pomegranate make *perfect* salad toppings this time of year. After indulging in holiday goodies for the last few weeks (months?), your body will be craving a nutrient-dense lunch or dinner this winter. Stay healthy and keep your immunity up by getting your veggie servings in for the day with these filling and delicious winter salads.
Half Baked Harvest
If you’ve never had a persimmon, get yourself to the farmers’ market and buy some this weekend. Kind of like an apple, they’re sweet and crisp and pair perfectly with creamy burrata (but let’s be real… what doesn’t pair perfectly with burrata?).
The Green Life
This salad features delicata squash, which is about to become your new favorite veggie. And you don’t need to peel it, which makes this salad a super convenient dinner tonight.
The Bojourn Gourmet
If kale salad isn’t your jam, this recipe will change your mind. You can sub out the herbs for whatever you may have left over in your fridge to make this totally customizable.
The Suburban Soapbox
This salad will make up for every disappointing salad you have ever ordered or eaten. Pears are roasted with bourbon and brown sugar and then tossed with leafy greens, blue cheese and sweet, crunchy candied walnuts for a perfect holiday salad.
Self Proclaimed Foodie
This salad is next-level with its mix of textures and flavors. On Sunday, mix the kale and apple with the dressing and you’ll have lunch ready for the entire week.
The View from Great Island
This salad makes a beautiful accompaniment to heavier dishes. The pomegranate dressing is fresh and tangy and pairs perfectly with creamy gorgonzola and sweet acorn squash.
In It 4 the Long Run
You only need six ingredients for this winter salad. It's easy enough to double or triple for a get-together and healthy enough to get all your veggies for the day.
Emilie Eats
Who said salads have to be greens-based? Take advantage of the bounty of winter squash at the market this time of year and make this drool-worthy salad for dinner this week.
Can You Stay for Dinner?
This salad packs a nutritional punch that can't be beat. It's delicious too!
Cookin' Canuck
Super-simple ingredients make this comfort salad a go-to for busy weeknights. The mushrooms are tossed with olive oil, rosemary and garlic and then roasted for an earthy bite. Get your vitamin B fix and a powerful antioxidant called selenium, which helps to support the immune system. (via Cookin' Canuck)
Two Peas and Their Pod
You *need* to make this potato salad right now. You’ll give the summer barbecue favorite an even yummier upgrade with sweet potatoes, feta cheese and pomegranates.
Ambitious Kitchen
The best part about kale salads is they get better the longer they sit in dressing. If you’re hosting a dinner party, this salad is the great starter for that very reason.
Coley Cooks
Brussels sprouts may have gotten a bad rap in the past, but they are the *it* veggie this winter. The goat cheese is rolled in bread crumbs and baked to make this salad feel extra special while still being ultra healthy.
Averie Cooks
Winter reminds us of the hunting and gathering period that often occurs right before this time so our minds immediately thought of this superfoods salad. It has sunflower seeds, walnuts, edamame, kale, blueberries, grapes, olive oil and more in it, making it the perfect replenishing meal.
The Original Dish
Satisfy your taste bud's desire for something that fulls robust and earthy this fall. This is one of those yummy winter salad recipes that's going to give you a bit of caramelized and spicy flavor so you'll almost feel like you're not eating something that's on the healthier side.
Follow us on Pinterest for more healthy meal ideas!
This post has been updated.
Social media is full of trends that come and go — think loud budgeting or sleepmaxxing — but I have a feeling one may grow legs beyond TikTok or Instagram: the 4B Movement. TBH, it doesn't feel right to call it a 'trend' because its origins are rooted in something much deeper than saying or doing something controversial for likes.
If you're not familiar with this movement and are curious about it, we're going to take a deep dive into where it originated, it's purpose, and why women in the U.S. have started to abide by its principles. To understand the 4B Movement's sustainability and potential benefits, I spoke with Somatic Trauma Therapist and Founder of Freshwater Counseling & Consulting, Blessing Uchendu; Sex and Relationships Coach Leah Carey, host of the Good Girls Talk About Sex podcast; and Senior Statistician and Addictions Researcher at UCLA Nicole Prause
According to The Washington Post, this is a "radical Korean feminist movement that swears off men to reclaim a sense of agency." It sounds similar to abstinence, but the trickle down effects are vastly different. Abstinence is taking a step back from anything that usually taps into your pleasure center — and that doesn't always mean sex. However, the 4B Movement is specifically rooted in 'de-centering men' completely.
CBSstates that researchers Jieun Lee and Euisol Jeong wrote a paper for Yonsei University about the movement, and deciphered that the "B" has four meanings:
In 2016, Hankyoreh reported that a man in his 30's chose to stab an unknown young woman in Seoul, Korea. When asked why he committed the crime, he gave this answer: "I did it because women have always ignored me." In response to the random attack, Hong Seong-su, a law professor at Sookmyung Women’s University, share a chilling message that the outlet recounted in the article. "The fact that [Kim] chose ‘some woman’ [as opposed to ‘some person’] as the target for his crime suggests it is not going too far to view this as a crime of hate against women."
This radical moment was an inception point for the movement overall, started in opposition to this gender-based violence, as well as gender-based discrimination as a whole. The Korean Herald noted that factors like pay inequality and a Donald Trump-like president of their own (Yoon Suk-yeol) were driving forces in 4B. Since his election in 2022, Yoon Suk-yeol has "promised to abolish the Ministry of Gender Equality and Family, which has been popular with his anti-feminist base," (via Korean Herald). Between all this and the global sensation of #MeToo, the 4B Movement gained major momentum throughout the last eight years.
According to The Korean Herald, over 150 elementary schools aren't seeing first-graders walk through their doors and it has everything to do with the falling birth rate in South Korea. CNN reports that officials are so concerned, they're willing to do something to combat it. President Yoon Suk Yeol said, "We will mobilize all of the nation’s capabilities to overcome the low birth rate, which can be considered a national emergency."
But, this isn't the first time the birth rate has been addressed. Another CNN article reported that South Korea dished out $200 billion to "boost the population over the past 16 years." Still, things haven't worked in the government's favor. It's evident less women are having children and it seems to directly stem from women upholding the ideology they're not allowing their bodies to be used for motherhood anymore.
After the shocking results of the 2024 presidential election, many women began to rethink how they relate to the men in their lives, finding South Korea's 4B Movement in the process. Based on the current rhetoric about women who don't have children and the restrictive anti-abortion laws with hardly any policies in place to reduce the maternal mortality rate, it's understandable why some women are fearful or fed up — and why many women are now finding parallels to what sparked 4B in the first place.
When you see people like Nicholas J. Fuentes tweeting things like "Your body, my choice. Forever," on the same day Trump won a second term as president, it can leave a sickening taste in one's mouth. One user's response to this was, "Funny how the loudest champions of 'freedom' are often the first to undermine it for everyone else."
Alongside this are men's social movements that are clearly intertwined with the current political climate, too. While obviously not all men believe in these ideologies, there's been a stark rise in their prevalence.
In 2020, ADL reported about the mindset of "Incels" and discovered that they feel emboldened by the 'manosphere.' So, what do they tend to believe? According to outlet, there's a belief "that the current sexual 'marketplace' gives women too much freedom to choose their own partners." Not only that, but the outlet says Incels tend to think women choose to ignore men unless they look a certain way or have a certain status, "leaving the remaining 80 percent of men (including incels) without a potential partner."
Nicole Prause, a UCLA Statistician and Academic, is well-versed in abstinence movements, and what they ultimately indicate based on statistics. "There are a number of similar men's movements already, especially Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW)," she says. According to her, MGTOW don't pursue marriage or relationships with women, but "seek sex when it is on their 'terms.'" She says, "They're often viewing it as a battle pitting sexes against one another. These movements tend to be separatist, often evolving into misogyny and violent speech, such as glorifying sexual coercion and rape."
As a result of these growing men's movements and the incoming 47th President of the United States — a convicted felon with multiple allegations of sexual assault — there have been growing calls from women on social media to consider the 4B Movement for themselves. X user @jungsooyawning wrote, "american women it's time to learn from the koreans and adopt the 4b movement as a matter of fact women from all over the world should adopt the 4b movement i'm so serious," on the platform.
Freelance writer Daria Yasmiene also wrote about about why she's taking part in the movement for POPSUGAR. She said, "As a Black woman who has lived through three back-to-back elections with Trump as a focal point, I'm so far beyond tired that I need a lifestyle change." Ultimately, she wants to continue having the freedom to choose to live her life in a way that's not solely governed by men.
"With the little autonomy that I have left, I would rather be alone and safe from the consequences of male influence in my life than lie next to someone who doesn't see me as an equal. We deserve so much more than that."
Meanwhile, Sex and Relationships Coach, Leah Carey says that 4B "makes sense as a response to realizing that a majority of men valued the economy over a woman's right to self-determination." Depending on where you stand, she also says that it can be "seen as 'punishment' for men" or "as a choice of self-determination and self-protection for women." Somatic Trauma Therapist, Blessing Uchendu shares Carey's sentiments in that the movement is "a response to patriarchy and the centering of men and conversely the objectification of women, with the expectation that they fulfill roles as wives and mothers."
So with all that in mind, is a movement like 4B beneficial? And is it even sustainable? I'm not going to tell you that you should or shouldn't join the 4B Movement because it's a personal decision. It's always wise to examine where you are in life instead of relying on social media, news outlets, or even the government to determine what you're going to believe. Still, there may be some benefits to the 4B Movement that outweigh any potential fallouts.
Carey says that "not being refused care for reproductive matters" is a potential benefit of 4B, while also highlighting that "the mental health benefits can also be huge for people who deal with anxiety, depression, or anything else that might cause emotional hardship in the current climate."
This could also lead to women identifying and honoring their true desires instead of following society's scripts about who they should be. Somatic Trauma Therapist, Blessing Uchendu believes that 4B is about women de-centering men and re-centering themselves — about "being the 'stars of their own stories,' rather than supporting characters in a malde-dominated narrative." Uchendu says. "It can be incredibly empowering to step away from systems that have felt compulsory in order to reflect on whether you are making decisions centered on yourself and your desires or whether these decisions are centered on the expectations of the society around you."
The most important thing Carey wants to note is that women aren't unable to find love and joy ever again by participating in the 4B movement. "Just because a woman chooses not to date, have sex, get married, or have kids with a man doesn't mean she can't do those things: with other women. it's more and more common for adult women to explore their same-sex attractions after divorce or widowhood," she notes. "With a generation of young women growing up with the understanding that heterosexuality is not the only option, we may see a wave of younger women also exploring in this arena (in addition to all the younger women who already know themselves to be queer)."
I would also say that you can always go back to dating and engaging with men whenever you want — this movement doesn't have to be a permanent choice if you don't want it to be. The whole point is to take charge and embrace your own sense of agency.
Yet, Prause does pause to mention the downside to "separatist movements." She explains that without support from men, women could struggle financially given pay disparities and other gender-based work inequities. Still, she says this doesn't really affect much if women have been figuring things out for themselves with little help from men.
Ultimately Uchendu says women having the freedom to exist without the weight of society's patriarchal standards on their shoulders is the "ultimate freedom." She says, "In the words of Audre Lorde 'If I did not define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and be eaten alive."
No woman should have to live in fear of having violence committed against her, but history continues repeating itself in terms of how society treats our bodies. "When a woman's right to make choices about her own body and health care are removed, she may decide to not put herself in a position where pregnancy can become an option," Carey says.
Prause chimes in with, "On average, women are more likely to experience mental health declines with marriage to a man (the opposite is true for men). While men also can experience domestic violence and sexual assault, the risks are exceptionally higher for women." Not only that, but she also points out that "women risk unwanted pregnancy, from which they now have fewer healthcare rights to address" and "are at much higher risk for sexually transmitted infections, even from their regular romantic partner."
As if that weren't a slap in the fact, Prause mentions that "childcare continues to fall disproportionately on women and does cause less income for women over time."
So, at the end of the day, I can't tell you what the right choice is, but I do know that patriarchy's long-lasting fixture in society has harmed everyone. From men who think women owe them something to women who believe they're not worth anything unless they're married or mothers, there's a lot to unpack.
What I do know is that no one should have the right to control the personal lives of other people nor should they try to make their personal beliefs and religious ideologies into laws that govern people who will be around long after they're not.
No matter where you stand on the matter, hatred and violence should never be tolerated or praised. Remember to take care of yourself by diving into more self-care stories we have on-site.
Thanksgiving seems centered around turkey. From the hearty stuffing to the thick ‘n’ juicy gravy, almost everything is made with or around the turkey and its drippings. So, how do vegetarians get by? Easily! Meatless lasagnas make for a great main, stuffing can be made delicious without the bird, and those perfectly cooked vegetarian sides can be hella filling. See for yourself with these 29 tempting vegetarian-friendly holiday recipes.
Farm Sanctuary
With an oyster mushroom stuffing, you won't miss the turkey in this delicious and savory main meal by Farm Sanctuary Cafe Chef Gail Patak. Try the mashed potatoes and gravy recipes included too!
Jessica in the Kitchen
Loaded with chickpeas and lentils, this hearty cheatloaf makes for a perfect main to go alongside all of those tasty sides.
Two Peas and Their Pod
This recipe kicks your regular ol’ green beans up a few notches by adding crispy fried shallots, crunchy hazelnuts, and browned butter.
Minimalist Baker
With minimal prep, this mouthwatering squash and sweet potato salad is the perfect addition to your holiday spread with sugared pecans and a drizzle of pomegranate molasses dressing.
Umami Girl
Not into “tofurky?” Don’t worry, because this veggie-layered lasagna is delicious, filling, and meets all the requirements of being a Thanksgiving main with its autumnal flavors and comforting textures.
Floating Kitchen
Throughout the cooler months, a starter soup is the way to go — especially if it’s a silky butternut squash soup slightly sweetened by apples.
Evergreen Kitchen
These vegan and GF pot pies are brimming with robust mushrooms, carrots, and wholesome greens, then topped with crispy potatoes.
Farm Sanctuary
Here are four vegan desserts from Farm Sanctuary Chef Patak, including Pumpkin Bread, Pumpkin Bread pudding, Sweet Ricotta and Pine Nut Tart, and this delightful Caramel Apple Galette to satisfy all the sweet cravings.
The Colorful Kitchen
Impress your fam and friends with this jaw-dropping tart filled with mashed potatoes, eggplant, carrots, cabbage, earthy rosemary, and your favorite plant-based gravy.
This Wife Cooks
This savory gravy pairs well with a number of other Thanksgiving dishes. Its rich flavor is a show-stopper and its made with vegan butter instead of the typical kind.
Vanilla and Bean
This comfort food is so flavorful and is made with black rice, mushrooms, greens, and rice gratin. It is good for you and can also be made gluten-free!
Vanilla and Bean
This moist and tender cornbread is the perfect mix of sweet and savory. It's so easy to whip up and can be stored in the freezer for future indulgence!
Hummusapien
Replace the iconic stuffed turkey by packing a flavor-filled tempeh sausage stuffing into soft roasted acorn squash boats.
Crowded Kitchen
These carrots are expertly coated in a sweet and sticky glaze that is seriously so delicious. The pomegranate seed garnish adds an extra layer of flavor and a pop of color.
Gastro Plant
These vegan mashed potatoes are oh-so-creamy and savory. They're the ultimate Thanksgiving staple!
Image via Joy Food Sunshine
This crave-worthy side tops a velvety sweet potato and apple sauce blend with crunchy pecans for a fall-inspired dish.
The Missing Lokness
Roasted to a golden crisp, these Brussels sprouts bring warming spices and a hint of sweetness to your plate with curry powder and dried cranberries, and it.is.awesome.
Two Spoons
This meat-free dish is savory and satiating. It's made with wholesome ingredients, including mushrooms, nuts, brown rice, and fresh herbs.
Earthly Provisions
This stovetop mac and cheese is the ultimate Thanksgiving comfort food. It utilizes raw cashews instead of cheese, which may sound questionable, but trust me it's so good.
Cook with Manali
Stock up on naan, because you’ll want to dig into this vegan and GF dal all evening with its combination of lentils, onions, tomato, cumin, and curry leaves.
Crowded Kitchen
This delicious recipe swaps out the classic beef tenderloin for a savory mushroom filling. It's packed with flavor and equally as yummy as the original!
A Virtual Vegan
This vegan cranberry sauce is loaded up with flavor. It has orange juice, orange zest, rosemary, cinnamon, and a splash of booze (but that last one can be swapped out for orange juice)!
No Eggs or Ham
Thinly sliced sweet potatoes in a thick, cheesy, and sweet white pepper sauce? Sign me up!
Veggie Society
It's not Thanksgiving without a basket of fresh, light, and fluffy biscuits. These Italian-style ones are mouth-watering and are sure to be a hit.
The Full Helping
This recipe puts a vegan spin on a Thanksgiving fave so that *everyone* can enjoy it. Made with vegan cornbread, it’s packed with all the right flavors.
Two Spoons
These yummy falafels are a must-have for your Thanksgiving spread. They're cozy, crispy, vegan, and gluten-free.
Veggie Society
These vegan and gluten-free mushrooms and potatoes are made with chanterelles, caramelized onions, and crispy sage. They're seriously flavorful and something the entire group will enjoy.
The Edgy Veg
This easy recipe tastes just like the traditional pecan pie recipe, just with vegan ingredients that allows the entire group to dig in! (via The Edgy Veg)
Crowded Kitchen
If you're looking for a warm and comforting dessert to enjoy after your scrumptious Thanksgiving meal, this vegan bread pudding is a winner. It has dried fruit, bourbon, cinnamon, and vegan custard.
Follow us on Pinterest for more vegetarian thanksgiving recipes and goodness!
This post has been updated.
Gifting is hard. Unless you're able to work some serious mental magic and track down the most perfect and most personalized gift for everyone on your list, searching for the right thing(s) to give is a full time job! That's where gift sets come in. Gift sets are often packaged up to perfection (taking some precious wrapping time out of the equation), plus they come in every different category you could ever think of!
Below, we've listed our favorite gift sets – that we're totally eyeing for ourselves 👀 – by Beauty, Foodie, Home, and Fashion categories. You're sure to find some gift sets that will make them go crazy!
Amazon
With nearly 100 5-star ratings on Amazon, this gift set from Sol De Janeiro brings forth luscious scents of pistachio, salted caramel, and vanilla via a travel-size trio of shower gel, skin cream, and perfume mist.
Target
Scalps need TLC too! Your little sister will love this pretty pink gift set that features Camille Rose's Rosemary Oil droplets and a much-needed massager. All she needs to do is section her hair and spend time applying the drops to her hair before massaging them in!
Amazon
The girls love a blowout – for the gal who always has her locks in check, this round brush gift set will give her routine a rose gold reset. Right now, you can shop this trio for 50% off.
Amazon
The face masks in this pack are tailored to virtually any skin type, taking the guesswork out of skincare gifting. Most importantly, the formula is hydrating, which we all know is much needed during wintertime.
Dry skin? Nobody has time for that! This Burt's Bees gift set comes prepped with purse-sized hydrating lip, hand, and body products.
Amazon
These lip masks seal up cracked, flaky lips overnight. This is one gift set that'd made of pure magic, soothing throughout the dry season.
Target
Can't get enough of Wicked? Achieve Galinda's look with this cute makeup set. It comes with a smudge-proof kohl liner, long-lasting liquid eyeshadow, a hydrating blush & lip stick, and a creamy metallic lipstick. It's the only things you'll need to complete your holiday look!
Henry Rose
This gift set sells for $90 ($120 value) and includes three 50ML dreamy scents. Each one is hypoallergenic and cruelty-free, but most notably, they all smell like sheer luxury.
Amazon
This gift set has everything required for the perfect juicy pout – coordinating lipstick, lip liner, gloss, and balm.
Amazon
Give the gift of Olaplex's nurturing products with this repair hair kit. It features the No. 3 Hair Perfector, No. 4 Bond Maintenance Shampoo, No. 5 Bond Maintenance Conditioner, and No. 7 Bonding Oil which work overtime to nourish tresses.
Amazon
Treat someone's curls to their own personal cocktail with this kit! it features mini versions of the brand's leave-in conditioner, styling cream, and curl gel which will aid in the perfect wash and go set. Or, it can simply be used to refresh 3-day-old twist outs!
Amazon
If your friend has been interested in a blowout kit without spending a ton of money for one, surprise her with Conair's Multi-Styler. It comes with four attachments that have different functions. You'll get a curling wand, round brush, paddle brush, and a drying nozzle! It also comes with a storage bag to store all the pieces in one organized place.
Amazon
Everyone is sure to love these aesthetically-pleasing hand sprays. From post-grocery store runs to gym trips, they provide not only sanitization, but gorgeous smells, too. Gift your recipient all three, or split up the pack to grace several stockings.
Poppi
The two lip gloss flavors inspired by Poppi in this gift set channel that of the holiday season. First, Raspberry Rose Glaze gives off a perfect pink tint, then Cranberry Fizz Glaze comes in with a deeper red hue.
Amazon
This lip kit has everything you need to create the juiciest and perfectly balanced lip look like Lisa Rinna. What's more is the formulas are all super hydrating and anti-aging!
Isle of Harris
The gin-loving gals and gentlemen will adore this highly-tailored drink set for its botanical influences. The gin gets its character from local sugar kelp seaweed, a story told further by the details in the sleek box.
Peet's Coffee
How could you possibly go wrong with coffee and chocolate?! This gift set blesses the gift receiver with a 1lb bag of Peet's Coffee Holiday Blend alongside two seasonal chocolate bars and a box of chocolate cherries. Yummmm.
Nordstrom
This gift set was made for any tea lover. There's a really nice assortment of tea varieties that they can sip year-round.
Amazon
We gobble Omsom noodles down on a weekly basis, and so far, there are no regrets. This noodle-fied gift set is complete with ten boxes of some of the brand's most-loved flavors – which come deliciously together in only 5 minutes, the ultimate cure for holiday cooking burnout.
Amazon
Functional caffeine is one of 2024's food trends, so for the sippers that keep their finger on the foodie pulse, this SuperLatte kit is sure to please!
Brightland
Brightland's pure extra virgin olive oils are prime for cooking or drizzling on meals. Even then, the bottle is just fun to look at! This foodie-forward capsule gift set is packed with their Awake olive oil, Champagne vinegar, and California honey.
Material Kitchen
This design-forward vessel in intended for batched cocktails (or mocktails), so any happy hour host will love it. Gift this piece alongside a list of our best winter-warming drinks.
Target
If your friend is moving into her new apartment next month, she'll love this cookware set! It features 16 gorgeous blush pots and pans, plus four wooden utensils come with it! They heat really quick which means she won't have to spend a ton of time in the kitchen if she doesn't want to.
Amazon
This charcuterie gift set is perfect for gifting to the host or hostess in your life. It comes with high-quality utensils and bowls to help them serve. The best part is it also comes with complementary recipes for them to try out! This really is the whole package.
Grove
Adults know that a clean house is invaluable, so gifting cleaning products (especially cute ones like these) will definitely spread some cheer amongst the grown-ups. This gift set is fit with 2 soap dispensers, a hand soap refill, a dish soap refill, a candle, and a scrubber sponge.
Character
Okay, hear us out – though not many people would view a literal toolbox as a great gift, this could make a really epic option for the fresh-outta-college or new-homeowner individuals. Plus, you can't deny that this color is cuuute. You can get it for $295 (a $355 value) to help them get their sh*t together.
Amazon
We're not sure about you, but sometimes we just simply do not feel like splurging on home essentials. In the vein of generosity, please gift the adults in your life only practical things – like hand soaps (ahem, this gift set). laundry pods, or dish-washing goods! We promise it will be valuable to them, especially in these times.
Target
Everyone could use a little more relaxation in their lives so gift someone this diffuser candle set. It comes with a soothing candle, room spray, and diffuser that'll make any room smell good!
Amazon
$20 for an entire nine pairs of earrings (and cute earrings at that) is just unheard of. Grab this gift set for the gold hoop-wearer!
Natural Life
This gift set is packed to the brim with trinkets and decor that will being a sure smile to anyone who gets it.
Amazon
This set of colorful socks will stylishly accompany them wherever they go!
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Brit + Co. may at times use affiliate links to promote products sold by others, but always offers genuine editorial recommendations.
This post has been updated.
The period ofThanksgiving through the New Year is when with family, often after not seeing them for several months out of the year. This is usually the time where everyone likes to catch up with each other to see if there's potential news they may have missed. But, this sometimes lead to the inevitable prodding questions that can make us want to crawl under the dinner table.
At some point, at least one person usually thinks it okay to ask super personal questions between eating yummy ham and candy recipes.They can range from questions about the class you flunked to your love life, putting you in an uncomfortable spotlight. You may feel like screaming at the top of your lungs, but licensed psychologist Dr. Michele Leno, host of the Mind Matters with Dr. Michelepodcast and therapist Alison McKleroy, LMFT, founder of Center for Spark®and author of the Self-Compassion Journal, have a few suggestions to help you avoid that.
If you had a dollar for every time some asked something that created awkward tension during the holidays, how much money would you have? For some reason, it always feels like this is the time for people to ask the most embarrassing questions in the word. But, what if it wasn't done on purpose? Dr. Michele says, "While many love holidays, others dread them. Those who have close family relationships approach the season with ease."
Still, she acknowledges how that's not always the case for everyone. "People with strained family relationships find holidays unbearable. The closeness can encourage prodding that feels invasive. Sometimes, people simply have a need to know the ins and outs of your life."
However, you don't have to feed anyone's curiosity if you don't want to!
Your first reaction to certain questions may be shock and embarrassment followed by irritation or anger. Those are normal responses when something catches us off guard. While our emotions are justified, the way we want to respond may not be. McKleroy says, "First, it’s crucial to recognize your own needs or values that are stirred up by the question. If your aunt asks you, 'Are you still at that job, or did you finally find a better one,' this question could likely bring up a need for acknowledgement — maybe you want your aunt to see the value in your work."
She further explains, "It could also point to your need for autonomy and freedom to make career choices on your own terms without feeling pressured. You can respond by saying, 'Yep, I'm still at that job, and I'm learning a lot and enjoying being there right now,'" which places the ball in your court without you cursing her name.
This is the time to be curious if you're not sure what your needs are. Like McKleroy says, they're a good indicator of why certain questions bother you. Truthfully, she believes you look at invasive questions as a good thing. "Navigating personal questions from family, especially the kind that feel intrusive, is a chance to courageously practice protecting your peace and setting empowered boundaries," McKleroy says.
Still, you likely need to set boundaries with your family. "Another way you can navigate prodding questions is by expressing your need for privacy in a kind way. If your grandfather asks you about your dating life, you can say, 'I really appreciate your interest, and right now, I’m keeping that part of my life private. I’ll happily share more when I’m ready,'" she suggests. It's a great way for you to "honor his care while respecting your own boundaries," according to her.
Setting boundaries with anyone isn't always easy, especially if you're a people pleaser or empath. But Dr. Leno says, "It is best to set boundaries up front, understanding that family may or may not respect them." Echoing McKleroy's thoughts about how to redirect certain questions, she says you can tell someone "now is not the time to talk about it."
If you're still afraid of pushback for setting a boundary, she encourages you to "talk to the host or another family member to help you out." Based on her experience, she feels "there is usually someone willing to redirect subjects as needed." If it helps, I've been known to ask my mom or sister an unrelated question to what I'm being asked to signal that I'm feeling anxious about something I've been asked.
Your apprehension about setting boundaries isn't in vain though. It's a real feeling based on a number of things. Dr. Leno says, "Establishing boundaries can be difficult for someone hoping to maintain peace or avoid conflict. They fear appearing hostile. However, your well-being comes first."
Like Dr. Leno said, everyone isn't going to honor your boundaries based on things that have nothing to do with you. It's hard not to take things personal, but it's worth learning how not to internalize their lack of respect. "There are times when your family will disregard your boundaries, so brace yourself. Prepare to protect your mental space, and stand your ground," informs Dr. Leno.
Also, she says that "even if your family repeatedly oversteps, your ability to stick to your boundaries is more important than their willingness to respect them." Should you feel depleted trying to mentally and emotionally guard yourself, she wants you to "take a break by exiting the room or house or venue altogether."
I personally love doing the later if I'm unable to stay grounded when fielding prodding questions and think I'm about to say the wrong thing. Taking a break usually gives me time to calm down and find something else to focus on.
If you still need help learning how to deal with your family's invasive questions, there are CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) tools you can rely on. They've been a huge life saver for me which is why I'm always sprinkling them throughout different family and self-care articles. For anyone who's unfamiliar with what CBT is, Dr. Leno says it "focuses on self-management" because "people learn to regulate their emotions by managing their thoughts."
Realistically, the holidays shouldn't cause you to feel stressed out. "If you're feeling emotionally drained leading up to the holidays, your thinking may be the culprit. Your worst-case-scenario think will cause an anxiety build-up that feels unmanageable," warns Dr. Leno.
Instead, she wants to try developing "some self-care tools" like:
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