7 Thoughtful Questions To Make Your Partner Feel Seen This Valentine's Day

1. You're never sure what kind of mood your parents will be in before you walk in the living room or kitchen.

Let's put this on record: parenting is tough — especially on top of trying to maintain a work-life balance. But, this doesn't mean you're meant to be unsure of what to expect every time you come around your parents. If you have to "'read the room'" a lot "before speaking," Slavens indicates this is one of the more subtle signs of dysfunction.

This is where you may have learned how to become passive-aggressive if that's something you struggle with. The reason for this is because "clear and direct communication is avoided and/or seen as bad or aggressive," according to Dr. Miller.

2. You tend to feel like you're constantly compared to and in competition with your siblings.

My heart truly wants to believe this isn't intentional behavior from parents, but I can't say I haven't heard people talk about feeling like they'd never measure up to the 'golden child' of their family. You may have felt insecure about your grades, the college you chose to go to, your career goals, or even your physical appearance. Slavens says this "struggle with self-worth or second-guessing yourself constantly" is yet another sign that your family's dynamic wasn't the healthiest.

Also, Dr. Miller says this could've caused you to learn to "shrink yourself in the presence of loved ones." Even worse, you may "feel the need to hide pieces of yourself in order to be loved and accepted."

3. There was constant yelling and screaming during arguments, making you fearful of disagreements or hardships.

If you grew up in a home where arguments always led to screaming and yelling, chances are you're not a fan of loud voices or hard moments. Honestly, Slavens says it's not hard to believe that "conflict make you anxious, even when it’s minor." Unsurprisingly, you may have become a referee during these arguments and currently find yourself being a mediator in your platonic or romantic relationships. Why?

Dr. Miller says, "You constantly feel the need to manage everyone else’s emotions often at the cost of your own needs and wellbeing." You know, to keep the peace.

Here are some more obvious signs you grew up in a dysfunctional family

4. You had to take on a parental role when one of your parents decided to stop being an adult.

I imagine that having an emotionally immature parent is one of the most aggravating and stressful things to deal with. Not only that, but you may have had to help keep the household afloat. You may have had to get a job or two to help pay bills, listening to an adult conversation as your mom or dad laid their problems at your young feet, and more!

If you "family roles were flipped" and you "maybe had to parent your own parents," Slavens says this is a form of emotional dysfunction.

5. You weren't allowed to go anywhere with your friends because your parents wanted to keep an eye on you at all times.

Slavens says boundaries that "didn't exist" or "were rigid and controlling" is a sign your home was a little...interesting. Being concerned about your whereabouts is one thing, but it's another when you're unable to do anything without your parents' eagle-eyes on you. Something as simple as going to the mall with your friends may have become a lecture about the dangers of shoplifting or car wrecks. Again, these are valid concerns but they shouldn't be treated like the verbal form of doom scrolling.

6. You consistently witnessed one of your parents abuse alcohol or drugs at home.

This is a tough because substance abuse is so prevalent in varies socioeconomic statuses and communities. From the functioning alcoholic to the one who becomes belligerent after they've had too much to drink, it always affects those around them. Slavens says if "there was ongoing neglect, substance abuse, or verbal/physical aggression," your home probably didn't safe.

I recognize some of these signs of a dysfunctional family. But that doesn't mean they're affecting my current relationships, right?

I hate to break it to you, but it's possible your childhood wounds have shown up before. "Dysfunctional dynamics don’t stay in childhood — they tend to creep into how you connect with others," says Slavens. Similarly, Dr. Miller agrees that "we typically repeat what we learned at home with our families in our other relationships." How?

"This includes the beliefs and rules we follow, often completely subconsciously, about what can and can’t talk about and why, as well as what emotions are allowed to be expressed, who can express them and how, and how we should or must respond to those people and their emotions," explains Dr. Miller.

Another way to look at this is how Slavens has outlined it:

In Platonic Relationships:

1. Overextending yourself to please others, even at your own expense
2. Feeling like you have to "earn your friends' affections.
3. Avoiding vulnerability because it feels unsafe.

In Romantic Relationships:

1. Struggling to trust your partner or feeling overly suspicious
2. Repeating patterns like dating people who are emotionally unavailable or controlling.
3. Feeling overly responsible for your partner's happiness — or relying on them for yours.

OMG! How do I unlearn habits from my dysfunctional family?

Honestly, everyone has a few bad habits they've carried from their childhood to adulthood. You're not an outlier because some things weren't 100% normal so I don't want you to feel like you're a failure for not having having it all together. "Dysfunction doesn’t have to define your future relationships," Slavens assures. Dr. Miller says you can start to unlearn things "that aren't working for you anymore" by "gathering your family's larger context to gain insight into how and why, for them, the behaviors make sense."

By taking a look at your family's "history and larger social and political contexts" gives you a chance to "see them as whole people with full lives," she says. Once you do that, she believes "you can examine what pieces make sense for you to keep and what parts you'd like to learn to do differently." Her other suggestion? Don't forget you're ability to utilize a "therapist who works systemically, like an LMFT" who "can be a huge support in this process."

Slavens' tips include the following:

1. Practice self-awareness: Notice when a response feels automatic — like people-pleasing or shutting down during conflict — and ask yourself, Is this helping me, or is this a leftover habit from the past?
2. Set boundaries: If your childhood lacked healthy boundaries, learning to say “no” without guilt is a game-changer. Boundaries protect your energy and teach others how to treat you.
3. Learn healthy conflict skills: If conflict made you feel unsafe growing up, it’s natural to avoid it. But healthy conflict is necessary in relationships. Practice expressing your needs calmly and directly.
4. Therapy, therapy, therapy: A good therapist can help untangle the messy, “weird” things that got normalized and give you tools to rebuild healthier ways of relating to yourself and others.
5. Surround yourself with healthier models: Whether it’s friends, mentors, or books/podcasts, seek examples of functional relationships and start observing what feels different.

While you're busy unlearning things, Dr. Miller also wants you to remember something. "Recognize that how your family does something is simply that; how your particular family system figured out and were taught to navigate the world. It isn’t inherently right because you’ve normalized it nor is the way another person or family does it inherently wrong," she says.

Tom Holland And Zendaya's Relationship Timeline

July 2016 — Tom Holland And Zendaya Join Spider-Man: Homecoming

Tom Holland and Zendaya met and became friends when they were cast in the MCU's Spider-Man: Homecoming. Tom had already made an appearance in Captain America: Civil War, but the new Spider-Man movie was a huge deal for both Marvel fans and the couple themselves! Not only did Tom Holland and Zendaya spend time together on set, but they also hung out at the pool together during their free timeand goofed around during San Diego Comic Con.

November 2016 — Tom Holland And Zendaya Are On The Cover Of The Hollywood Reporter

Tom Holland and Zendaya basically broke the internet when they graced the cover of The Hollywood Reporter's Nov. 2016 issue. The shoot was filled with plenty of classic Hollywood throwbacks, but I have always *loved* the blue dress Z wears on the cover. "Over the moon with my first cover," Tom writes on Instagram. "So grateful that I got to share it with the one and only @zendaya. Thanks mate for helping me out."

"Honored to share it with the very best...Spider-Man himself @tomholland2013," Zendaya says in her post. "Thank you for this beautiful cover @THR."

May 7, 2017 — Tom Holland And Zendaya Attend The MTV Movie And TV Awards

At the 2017 MTV Movie And TV Awards, Tom Holland and Zendaya premiered a clip from Spider-Man: Homecoming...and Tom did a flip onstage and then asked Zendaya to homecoming.

July 13, 2017 — Tom Holland And Zendaya Are Reportedly Dating

In July 2017, a source seemingly confirmed what many fans had been wondering for months: that Tom Holland and Zendaya had been dating. Considering the two other sets of Spider-Man leads (Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst and Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield) both dated, it felt like this was one relationship that was bound to happen.

"They started seeing each other while they were filming Spider-Man," the insider tells People. "They've been super careful to keep it private and out of the public eye but they've gone on vacations with each other and try and spend as much time as possible with one another."

"They're both really ambitious and they challenge each other — but, most importantly, they make each other crack up," says another insider. "They seem to have a really similar sense of humor and love joking around together."

Tom Holland and Zendaya actually took to Twitter (now X) to tackle the rumors. "Wait wait...my favorite is when it says we go on vacations together HA! I haven't been on a vacation in years!" Zendaya says, to which Tomreplies, "Does the press tour count[?]"

August 8, 2017 — Zendaya Shuts Down Dating Rumors

"We are friends," Zendaya tells Variety. "He's a great dude. He's literally one of my best friends. This past how many months we've had to do press tours together. There's very few people that will understand what that's like at 20 years old."

May 8, 2018 — Tom Holland Supports Zendaya's Iconic Met Gala Appearance

Zendaya showed up to the 2018 Met Gala (which had the theme Heavenly Bodies) as Joan of Arc, and it's quickly become one of her most iconic and recognizable carpet looks. Tom loved it just as much as we did and wrote on Instagram, "All hail the queen. Killing it mate."

July 2019 — Tom Holland And Zendaya Have A Very Chaotic Press Tour For Spider-Man: Far From Home

For Spider-Man: Far From Home in 2019, Tom Holland, Zendaya, and Jacob Batalon did dozens of junkets together, and many of the interviews have gone viral — like Tom and Jacob finally meeting their favorite Watch Mojo hostandthe cast playing games with Jimmy Kimmel. Junkets are always fun to watch, and this one is no exception!

July 2, 2021 — Tom Holland And Zendaya Are Seen Kissing

After years of denying they were dating, Tom Holland and Zendaya really and truly broke the internet when pictures of them kissing in a car showed up on social media. This was such a vital moment that I remember exactly where I was when I found out.

"THEY ARE END GAME DREAM COUPLE," one X user tweeted. "I don't know if I want to be Tom Holland to kiss Zendaya or be Zendaya to kiss Tom Holland," another user joked.

Tom Holland and Zendaya were later seen attending a friend's wedding...and sitting very close to each other.

September 1, 2021 — Tom Holland And Zendaya Make Their Relationship Instagram Official

On Zendaya's 25th birthday, Tom Holland posted the sweetest picture from the Spider-Man makeup trailer on Instagram. "My MJ, have the happiest of birthdays," he says in the caption. "Gimme a call when [you're] up xxx."

November 17, 2021 — Tom Holland And Zendaya Open Up About Their Relationship

In an interview with GQ, Tom Holland opened up about his relationship with Zendaya and how their relationship to fame has impacted everything. "One of the downsides of our fame is that privacy isn’t really in our control anymore, and a moment that you think is between two people that love each other very much is now a moment that is shared with the entire world,” he says of their July 2 kiss. “I’ve always been really adamant to keep my private life private, because I share so much of my life with the world anyway...We sort of felt robbed of our privacy.”

“It was quite strange and weird and confusing and invasive,” Zendaya agrees. “I think loving someone is a sacred thing and a special thing and something that you want to deal with and go through and experience and enjoy amongst the two people that love each other."

“Our relationship is something that we are incredibly protective of and we want to keep as sacred as possible," Tom later told The Hollywood Reporter. "We don’t think that we owe it to anyone, it’s our thing, and it has nothing to do with our careers.”

December 15, 2021 — Zendaya Posts A Tribute To Tom Holland As Spider-Man

Before Spider-Man: No Way Home hit theaters, Zendaya posted a pair of photos featuring Tom in his superhero costume on set, and in a costume as a kid. "My Spider-Man," the caption reads. "I’m so proud of you, some things never change and good thing♥️." Adorable!

February 22, 2022 — Tom Holland Says He'd Love To Be In Euphoria

Zendaya shattered records when she became the youngest person to win the Emmy for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series for Rue in Euphoria. Tom also made headlines related to Euphoria when he said he'd be interested in making a cameo in the series. "I would be in Euphoria. I think I would be a really good Maddy," he jokes during a BuzzFeed puppy interview. "I'm a big Euphoria fan. I love the show and I love season 2. I visited a lot while they were shooting it and I really, really enjoyed it...I would love to guest star or just be an extra in it. Or maybe I am and you just don't know."

April 20, 2022 — Zendaya Talks About Tom Holland's Support During Euphoria

June 1, 2022 — Zendaya Celebrates Tom Holland's Birthday

For Tom's 26th birthday, Zendaya posted a rare photo of her with Tom, captioning the post, "Happiest of birthdays to the one who makes me the happiest <3."

March 20, 2023 — Zendaya Wears A Ring With Tom Holland's Initials

I am always in favor of cute, meaningful, and minimalist jewelry, and apparently, Zendaya is too! When Zendaya's nail artist posted a video of the actress' new ballet pink manicure, fans quickly noticed the "TH" ring Z was wearing.

April 27, 2023 — Tom Holland And Zendaya Go To An Usher Concert

2023 was the year of concerts for everyone, including celebrities! While Zendaya attended CinemaCon to promote Dune 2, she also went to an Usher concert with Tom Holland. "Childhood dreams come true, going to an @usher concert," Zendaya said on her Instagram story (via People).

May 4, 2023 — Tom Holland And Zendaya Attend An NBA Game

Tom Holland and Zendaya had another date night in May, complete with the perfect athleisure, popcorn, and relaxed smiles.

January 12, 2024 — Tom Holland Confirms His Relationship With Zendaya Is Still Going Strong

After Zendaya unfollowed everyone on Instagram ahead of her new movie Challengers (Blake Lively pulled a similar move before her film A Simple Favor, as did Taylor Swift before Reputation), rumors started swirling that the pair had called it quits. When asked whether they had broken up, Tom says (via TMZ), "No, absolutely not."

January 14, 2024 — Tom Holland Says He Loves Watching Spider-Man: Homecoming With Zendaya

During the 2024 Critics Choice Awards, Tom Holland told Extra how much he loves rewatching his first Spider-Man movie, especially when he watches it with Z. "Zendaya and I will, every now and then, watch Spider-Man 1 and reminisce about being 19 and making those movies again," he says. "I love those movies, and I love savoring those moments, so I try not to watch them as often as I would maybe like to because it’s so special. It's such a luxury, such a gift to be able to sit down and sort of relive your youth.”

January 23, 2024 — Tom Holland Shows Zendaya Some Love

Since Tom Holland and Zendaya are very private, they don't often post about their relationship on social media. But when Zendaya debuted a new look at Paris Fashion Week, Tom Holland couldn't help but post a pic of Z to his Instagram story with three heart-eye emojis. We share the same sentiment, Tom, what a coincidence!

February 15, 2023 — Tom Holland Supports Zendaya's Dune 2

The London premiere of Dune 2 was very eventful. Zendaya basically broke the internet by wearing a Mugler "Machinenmensch" robot suit (before changing into this chic black dress from Mugler by Casey Cadwallader), a certain actress spoiled her appearance in the movie by showing up to the carpet, and Tom Holland and Zendaya were spotted at the afterparty together. I love the care and attention Tom shows Zendaya (I, too, would be overwhelmed if I was surrounded by paparazzi like in this video of the couple), and I hope they got to unwind after a crazy night!

February 21, 2024 — Tom Holland Also Supports Zendaya's Challengers

After the new trailer for Challengers dropped, Tom Holland shared it to his Instagram story, promising the movie looks just as good as we're hoping. "You ain't ready for this one!" he says alongside the trailer.

February 21, 2024 — Zendaya Says Tom Holland Has The Best "Rizz"

When asked who has the best "rizz" (short for charisma) in the Dune 2 cast, Zendaya immediately pivots and makes the answer more personal! "Everybody's kind of got their own [rizz]," she tells Buzzfeed. "I think someone who has beautiful charisma, not on the Dune cast, but...it works for me, is Mr. Tom Holland."

"I'm more shy and kind of quiet, so it takes a little bit more to pull me out of my shell but he's great at just talking to people and getting to know people," she continues. "He's just naturally very good at that. Or as for me, I've definitely had to pull it out of me a little bit. He's got that natural gift."

March 17, 2024 — Tom Holland And Zendaya Watch A Tennis Game

Ahead of Zendaya's spring movie Challengers (in which she plays a tennis pro-turned-coach opposite Mike Faist and Josh O'Connor), she watched the BNP Paribas Open Men's Final at Indian Wells Tennis Garden. Alongside Tom Holland and her assistant Darnell Appling, who she frequently calls her brother, Zendaya got comfy in a cream-colored tennis skirt, tank top, and zip-up hoodie ensemble. Spring really is here!! My favorite part of the afternoon is when Tom Holland and Zendaya sang along with Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance With Somebody."

April 9, 2024 — Zendaya Raves About Tom Holland

In her Vogue cover story for May 2024, Zendaya talks a lot about how fame has affected both her life and Tom Holland's. “His [career] changed overnight. One day you’re a kid and you’re at the pub with your friends, and then the next day you’re Spider-Man,” she says. “I definitely watched his life kind of change in front of him. But he handled it really beautifully.”

That star power was evident in 2022, when Tom Holland and Zendaya spent the afternoon at the Louvre in Paris...and almost broke the internet. “You just kind of get used to the fact that, 'Oh, I’m also one of these art pieces you’re going to take a picture of. I just gotta be totally cool with it and just live my life,'" Zendaya continues. (She also says that when the museum let them walk around after-hours, "it was like Night at the Museum.”)

This spring, Zendaya can't wait to see Tom Holland in his London production of Romeo & Juliet: "[I] could not be more proud. I’m going to try to see as many shows as I possibly can.”

April 10, 2024 — Challengers Premieres In London

Tom Holland showed up for the London premiere of Challengers, and got to support Zendaya in the sweetest way. In this video captured at the premiere, you can see Tom and Z share a hug and a kiss on the cheek during the evening. Even the smallest gesture can mean a lot during a busy night, and I love how in sync Tom Holland and Zendaya are!

The latest viral clip about Tom Holland and Zendaya also has to do with Challengers. During another Challengers press tour stop, Zendaya's overjoyed to be presented with a bouquet of gardenias. “These are my favorite flowers!” she exclaims. When asked if Tom Holland buys her flowers, she points at the camera and jokes, “I hope he's watching!”

While not every girlfriend necessarily wants a bouquet, every couple definitely has to figure out each other's love languages so they can get to know each other better — and apparently A-listers are the exact same!

August 31, 2024 — Zendaya And Tom Holland Match On A Day Date

After a summer starring in Romeo and Juliet, Tom Holland took a late-summer stroll with Zendaya in Calabasas, California. They also ended up wearing matching white tanks (Zendaya styled hers with trousers and ballet flats, while Tom opted for cargo-esque joggers and white sneakers) for the ultimate twinning moment.

October 15, 2024 — Tom Holland Launches A New Company With Unexpected Help From Zendaya

After going sober in 2022, Tom Holland announced on October 15 he was launching a non-alcoholic drink company called Bero. “When I got sober, I started exploring the world of non-alcoholic beers and realized there was space for me to fit in,” Tom says in an interview with Forbes. “My first year sober was really difficult, and had I had Bero, I think it would have been easier.”

“Zendaya hates beer, like, absolutely hates beer," he continues. And when she helped with the taste testing, a joke helped guide the overall brand. "She does not drink beer at all, and the first round of testing she was like, ‘Wow, these are really tasty’, and I was like, ‘Well, that's probably not a good sign.'"

And at the launch event for Bero in New York City, Tom and Zendaya wore matching shades of burgundy! Z stunned in a floor-length leather dress while Tom paired a short sleeve sweater with black trousers.

October 15, 2024 — Zendaya Reveals Why She'd Never Take A Dance Class With Tom Holland

While speaking to Teen Vogue for her partnership with On, Zendaya reveals she'd probably avoid dance classes with Tom Holland because "he's too good, it would piss me off," she jokes. "I would want to take someone who could be equally as bad as me."

"Kayaking, I would choose Tom because I think that, if I can remember correctly, with the kayak, you have to be in sync with the person," she continues. "And I think it would be hilarious because we are both very controlling and we both want to be in charge. So it would be funny to watch us be like, no, we're going to go this way. No, we're going to go that way. And I think it would be a good story after the fact."

October 31, 2024 — Tom Holland Reveals Googling Zendaya Eases His Anxiety

While appearing on an episode of Samah Dada’s On the Menu podcast, Tom Holland spoke about how protective he gets over Zendaya, which, if you ask me, is pretty clear after that viral video of her getting swarmed by paparazzi — and him physically getting in the middle.

“I’m not on socials, and I delete [the apps] when I’m not using [them],” he tells Samah. “So sometimes I — it’s more of a bit of an anxiety thing...I just give it a little Google, look [through] the news, and I’m like, ‘She’s good. We’re fine.'"

November 13, 2024 — Zendaya Reveals Working With Tom Holland Is "Like Second Nature"

In Vanity Fair's new Hollywood 2025 issue, Zendaya opened up on what it's like to work with her partner, and reveals "it’s actually strangely comfortable."

"It’s like second nature, if anything," she says. "You feel extra safe with the person you’re acting beside. I love working with him. He’s so talented, and so passionate about what he does. He always gives things one thousand percent, even if he’s absolutely worn down. I really appreciate that about him. It feels pretty normal. That’s how we met. Literally, at a chemistry read."

I'm sure that was one heck of a chemistry read!

November 24, 2024 — Tom Holland & Zendaya Have A Cozy Date Night

Tom and Zendaya went out for a pint to wrap up the weekend, heading to Foxhole to sample Bero "in the wild," according to Tom himself (via Instagram stories). And the actor ended up sharing a super cute photo of Zendaya in a red top with a gold necklace, a menu, and her cell phone covered in a grippy phone mount that a lot of TikTokers use to attach their phones to the wall. Does this mean there's a backlog of Zendaya TikToks?!

One People sourcealso reports the couple was "very relaxed and very chatty together" at Trident Booksellers & Cafe in Boston during a Friday morning breakfast. Sweet!

December 2, 2024 — Tom Holland & Zendaya Are Reportedly Ready To Settle Down

We all know that Tom and Zendaya are homebodies, and it appears they're only getting cozier the farther they get into their relationship — especially as friends like Robert Pattinson start their own families! “As Tom and Zendaya move closer to having a wedding next year, basically living like a husband and wife already, and continuing to book multiple film projects together, Rob is cheering them on,” a source tells Life & Style. "If things keep going in this direction, Rob is going to figure into their wedding as a best man or groomsman and he absolutely wants the new, little families they are starting to be close going forward."

“For Tom’s part, he’s seen up close how settling down, getting serious and having kids has changed Rob,” they continue. “Tom wants that life for himself and Zendaya, sooner rather than later.”

If Tom and Zendaya really are planning on getting married, and Robert Pattinson ends up in the wedding, I'll cry! And I just know Zendaya's wedding dress is going to be THE look of the decade.

1. Rich, Warm Colors

Kirsten chose a cohesive color palette throughout the home to give the overall feeling of warmth. The home features classic prints, curated art, and furniture that nods to the home’s past.

2. Luxe, Comfy Furniture

Furnishings from home decor shops like Soho Home, Arhaus, and Maiden Home, paired with bold Morris & Co wallpaper and vintage rugs creates a warm, cozy, and inviting space. Think cottagecore but elevated!

3. Larger-Than-Life Bookshelves

Floor-to-ceiling bookshelves frame the outdoors and give the home an old-world English cottage feel.

4. 1920s-Inspired Decor

But it's this bath that stopped me in my tracks. So stunning! The home hails from the roaring '20s and elements like unlacquered brass hardware, natural stone countertops, and a B&W silent film print make subtle calls to that era. I adore the scalloped backsplash.

5. Whimsical Wallpaper

"We wanted to choose a wallpaper for the child bedroom that was also whimsical but had a level of sophistication that meant it wouldn’t feel too young as the years progressed," says Kirsten.

6. Cozy Lamps

The Lawns Prospect Park Mural Wallpaper was the starting point for Kirsten's other choices in the room that include a vintage bed and table lamps from Amazon.

7. Vintage-Inspired Lighting

Vintage-style sconces and handmade ceramic tile in the master bathroom echo the past in a freshly designed bathroom. Love the idea of a table lamp here too.

8. Antique Furniture Accents

Kirsten chose an arched alcove around the bath with a tall vintage chair. "The alcove adds depth and interest to the room and felt aligned with the intrinsic architecture in the home," she says. What a happy ending!