We’re All Narcissists, But That Doesn’t Mean You Should Date One

Why do people want to share their relationship status with others?

My sister used to ask me this question when I was in my 20's, and I always looked at her like she had two heads growing. I couldn't fathom the idea that people wouldn't want to talk about their relationship online because it felt like everyone was doing it. I mean, a study from Pew Research Center shows 8 in 10 people on social media see relationship posts, so it clearly wasn't outrageous to think it was normal.

But, that still doesn't answer why people are drawn to sharing cute little updates about their partner or relationship. Luckily, Bray has a good indication of what drives people to give others a sneak peek into their lives. "People share their relationship status for all kinds of reasons. Some want to mark their territory — nothing says 'back off' quite like a cute couple selfie! Others are just excited and proud of their partner and want to share the joy," she says. That stems from people's "need for a sense of belonging or to receive positive reinforcement from others," she adds.

But, this doesn't necessarily make people weird. It's just human nature that makes us act the way we do. "We as humans are just hard wired to seek connection, and broadcasting our connections, makes us feel more accepted and secure in our social lives."

Should couples have conversations about their social media expectations?

I don't care how hot you think someone is, you're going to have to learn how to communicate with them. It's true even if your chemistry is off-the-charts because healthy relationships don't fall out of the sky. They're built via honesty, respect, forgiveness, and other important factors.

Before assuming your partner is or isn't okay with you posting about your relationship, Bray is 100% convinced you should talk things through. "Social media is still in the wild west of relationship etiquette, and without discussions, assumptions about 'correct' behavior can run wild," she hints. For example, you could be happily posting about your partner only for someone to point out that they're not following you on social media.

"Some people are super private, while others practically live their lives online. Misunderstandings happen when expectations aren't laid out so talking about it can prevent messiness in the long run," Bray observes.

If two people have gone on a couple of dates, should one of them be upset if the other isn't publicly talking about them?

So, you swiped right on Tinder or Bumble, and you had a few amazing dates with one of your matches. Before you start publicly declaring your love for them, Bray wants you to reconsider. "Hold on! It's just a few dates! Let’s pump the brakes. The early stages of dating is not the time to make grand social declarations," she declares. As someone who tried to 'date' people from Tinder, those first few dates aren't a guarantee that you've found the love of your life.

"Posting someone on social media can feel like a big step to some people so expecting that level of public commitment too soon might be too much pressure. If you’re already thinking, 'Why haven’t they posted about me yet?' after two dates, it might be a good time to check in with yourself about where those expectations are coming from," advises Bray.

I've recovered from my former, "Is he the one" obsession so also take it from me — see where things go first and then refer back to question #2!

Is it a red flag if someone doesn't post their partner on social media?

It would be so much fun if we personally had Dustin Poynter, the flag guy, from TikTok helping point us in the right direction — but this is one of those things that errs on the subjective side. Though Bray doesn't feel it's necessarily healthier to keep your relationship private, she thinks "context matters." "Some people are just more private or feel weird about social media in general," she says.

But, that doesn't mean certain behaviors don't warrant a few eyebrow raises. She notes," If someone is super active on social—like posting about their dog’s morning routine and every cupcake they’ve ever had—but doesn't ever mention their partner, it could create a need for a deeper conversation." Before you feel justified about grilling your partner — as satisfactory as that may feel — take a second to breathe.

Bray would prefer you work to understand "why they don't post, rather than assuming your partner is keep you a secret." If you discover the latter to be true, follow your instincts and let that person go because you don't deserve that!

Do you think it's healthier for couples to keep certain aspects of their relationship private?

Everyone has a different view of what makes a romantic relationship healthy, so this is one of those things Bray says, "absolutely depends on the couple" because some "genuinely enjoy sharing their lives online." You've probably seen your share of couples who make cute content together whether they're married or not. I'd be lying if I said I don't specifically keep up with a few whose content makes me smile.

But, other couples may not be interested in sharing their relationship online because they "want to be private and keep the relationship free from the judgements or opinions of others," according to Bray. That's not to say they have something to hide, though. Instead, think of it as a personal preference.

"As long as both partners are on the same page and it’s not a source of tension, it’s all about finding the balance that works for them. If it starts to feel like a performance for likes rather than genuine connection, though, that’s where it can become problematic," Bray reminds.

How can someone bring up their partner's posting habits without sounding accusatory?

You may feel eager about posting about your partner while they're less enthusiastic and this could make you feel upset. It's easy to jump to conclusions when you're already upset, but Bray feels "tone is everything." Ironically, she suggests something I've heard in therapy sessions and that's "to be curious, not confrontational." Hopefully this stopped you in your tracks if you were ready to give your partner a piece of your mind.

"You can say something like, 'Hey, I’ve noticed we haven’t shared much about each other on social media? What’s your take on sharing stuff about us online?' It’s important to frame it as a mutual exploration of rather than a demand for a public declaration," Bray points out.

What would you tell someone who wants to emulate couples who consistently post content together?

We've all seen couples who we think have the cutest relationship, even though we've never met them before. As much as you may admire a couple, Bray thinks it's a "slipper slope" if you want to try to recreate their online moments. "I’d encourage someone to focus more on what makes their own relationship feel fulfilling, rather than chasing #couplesgoals," she encourages.

However, this isn't a sign that you're not supposed to ever share anything about your partner or relationship! "If posting together feels fun and real, go for it! But if it starts feeling like a performance or that you are in competition with other couples, it's probably good to take a step back," she warns.

Also, keep in mind that social media doesn't show you every single moment of couples' lives so don't worry about trying to look picture perfect based on a 30 second to 30 minute video.

Dear Lumi: Here is my challenge: I have been with a man for ten years — someone I have deeply loved and to whom I tied all my hopes and dreams. Yet, he has shown me that my hopes and dreams will never come true with him. He proposed and then changed his mind. I wanted to start a family, but he had a nervous breakdown instead. While he wants to stay together, we are only great companions, which has been a real challenge for the past three years. The fear of never having what I want if I leave overwhelms me. So, the question is: should I stay or should I go?

-Nicole, Brooklyn, NY

• Sun sign: Scorpio
• Rising sign: Pisces
• Moon sign: Leo

Dear Nicole: A woman who knows what she wants from the start, but doesn't see those promises fulfilled often falls into a repeating pattern. Love evolves, but the mind and body can play tricks if you're not aligned with your soul's desires. Observe how much energy you have left after waiting for him to change. How much effort are you putting into making him happy? As a holistic synergy coach, I see that you have given him your mind, body, and soul, yet he hasn’t delivered on his promises of family or commitment. If you’re ready to break ties, you must believe another person can grant your wishes. The Universe reflects what we embody and experience. Patterns of disappointment and false security will persist if your partner remains stuck in his reality. This situation might work for him, but is it working for you?

Your Scorpio Sun signifies a path of regeneration and self-empowerment. Your role is to rise above outdated patterns and align with your true vision. Scorpios are on a quest to confront and transform the sources of their struggles. We all create our destinies, but when we cling to wishing for someone or something to change, it won’t unless we take action. Having strong Scorpio energy in your chart, I’ve been where you are. I faced similar fears in my marriage. I realized over time that my partner wouldn’t change, and staying made me feel depleted and cut off from abundance. I feared the grief of ending the relationship, which felt like facing death. Yet, from the other side of that grief, I can tell you that you’ll emerge restored and vibrant, like a phoenix rising from the ashes. As a Pisces Sun, I can attest that leaving was incredibly hard, but I’m grateful for it.

With your Pisces rising, you have the tools to adapt to life's changes. You’re spiritually gifted and connected, and you will become stronger as you align with your intuition. Your Leo Moon gives you the fire to attract incredible opportunities or, conversely, fall into recurring patterns. Embrace your worth, and know you deserve a love story that nurtures your well-being.

Your chart’s blend of water and fire shows powerful manifestation abilities. Believe you can attract an amazing partner, but focus on clearing your energy and moving forward. Looking back should only help you avoid repeating past mistakes. If you decide to leave, commit to moving forward without second-guessing. Breaking free will allow you to attract the life and love you truly desire. For you, as a Scorpio Sun, this is an essential rite of passage. Once you move through it, you’ll be amazed at the magic that awaits you.

With Love and Stars,

Lumi

How To Cord-Cut In Relationships

1. Prepare: Close your eyes and enter a meditative state. Ground yourself by feeling connected to the Earth and center your energy by focusing on your breath.

2. Identify Cords: With your energy senses active, scan your aura to find toxic cords of attachment. Gently trace each cord to see what it's connected to — people, places, objects, beliefs, or past experiences.

3. Cut the Cords: Visualize your dominant hand as an energetic knife. Spread your fingers and move your hand through each cord to sever it. As you do this, say silently or aloud, "I completely release you from my life." Breathe deeply between cuts to stay centered.

4. Send Thanks: After cutting all the cords, sit quietly for a few minutes. Send gratitude and love to what you've released, acknowledging their role in your growth.

5. Finalize: Conclude the meditation and take a shower to cleanse and ground your energy.

Join Lumi live on September 15th for an insightful astrology event held remotely! She will dive into the Lunar Eclipse's impact on each zodiac sign and experience a live sound bowl healing session to help you realign and recharge. Don't miss this chance to connect with the cosmos and yourself. Click this link to learn more!

In The Woods

This is first book in Tana's Dublin Murder Squad series — and it also happens to be her first book she ever published! The story takes place in the summer of 1984 in a small-town suburb of Dublin, Ireland. One night, three children don't come home from playing with their friends. The only thing the police find? A small boy terrified, covered in blood, and unable to remember any of the events that occurred that night.

20 years later, that same petrified boy is now a Dublin detective — Detective Rob — and trying desperately to forget his past (the parts he does remember). Rob is forced to address his past when a young girl is found the exact way he was 20 years ago. Now, he has no choice but to confront what happened...and potentially the killer.

The Likeness

In this Dublin Murder Squad sequel, we revisit Cassie Maddox from book 1, who is forced to go back to her old town because of a — you guessed it — murder. She has to go to a crime scene and help solve the case of a girl who was killed wearing an ID of Cassie's old alias. The story keeps getting stranger and stranger for Cassie as she doesn't know who this woman was, or who killed her.

Faithful Place

Book three in this series follows Frank Mackey, who in 1985 was planning on running away with his girlfriend...only for her to mysteriously never show up. Frank decided it was probably because she didn't want to be with him anymore. Taking her absence as an answer, he left — but little did he know that Rosie never went home either. Years later, her suitcase shows up at Frank's door, and he's forced to go home to discover what happened to her, once and for all.

Broken Harbour

In the fourth installment of this series, we meet Mick — a type A, rule-follower detective on the Dublin Murder Squad. However, when a new murder throws him for a loop, all bets are off. A family in a rich, new development gets murdered mysteriously, and the wife is the only surviving victim. While she's in intensive care, Mick has to figure out why there are dubious and strange factors in the house — like 12 baby monitors focused on holes in the walls, or files being wiped on the family's computer. It's a suspicious case, and what makes it harder is that it's in the neighborhood where Mick, himself, has history. Keep reading to see how this interesting mystery gets solved...or doesn't.

The Secret Place

The fifth book of the Dublin Murder series follows Stephen, a young detective wanting to have his shot at joining the Murder Squad. When Detective Frank Mackey's daughter, Holly, comes into the station with crucial evidence, Stephen realizes this is a crime that he just might be able to solve. Suddenly, Stephen, Frank, and Holly team up to figure out how his Holly's friend group might be up to no good.

The Trespasser

In French's most recent Dublin Murder Squad book, she tells us the story of Young Detective Antoinette, who isn't sure if she belongs in the murder squad. She's trying to make her way through cases, but feels out of place...that is, until a woman's body shows up, and it could be a potential lovers quarrel-gone-wrong!

Everyone's telling Antoinette that it was the boyfriend, but she can't help but think there's more to the story than meets the eye. The woman's friends say she was in danger, and there seems to be a lurking presence in the town that Antoinette can't get away from. Soon, she won't be able to tell the difference from the girl's killer or Antoinette's own stalker.

The Witch Elm

In this new standalone story by Tana French, Toby is out with his friends one night when he's viciously attacked by burglars. The injuries leave him needing care and seeking refuge in the home of his dying uncle, who needs care of his own. The two are able to help each other, until Toby finds a skull in the trunk of the elm tree out back. Detectives start to uncover pieces in this mystery, as Toby comes to terms with the fact that his past isn't what he thought it was...

The Searcher

This book has over 139,000 reviews on Goodreads, so you know it's actually a good read. This book the first of a murder mystery series about Cal Hooper, a retired former detective who buys a rustic house in a small, Irish village after his divorce. Cal thinks he's going to get a new life, to start over and find some peace. But when a young boy recruits him to help find his missing brother, Cal uncovers secrets to this town and it might not be as peaceful as he once thought. Will he get himself — and the young boy — into trouble? Or be able to save the day and his new town? Read to find out!

The Hunter

In part two of Tana's newest series, Cal has finally built a life for himself. He has a girlfriend, a home he's working on, and a young teenager, Trey, that he's trying to help. But when Trey's absent father comes back into the picture, wreaking havoc and mystery, Cal and his girlfriend are trying to do all they can to protect the young girl. However, Trey's dad brought in a millionaire with a mission to find gold in the town, making their efforts much more difficult. Will they be able to protect Trey from her father, or is it too late?

You'll be dying to find out how Tana's most recent novel ends! Don't believe me? Everyone from the Associated Press to The Washington Post has rave reviews for this sequel!