‘Dancing With the Stars: Athletes’ Week 3 Recap: Who Made the Finals?

Life Lessons From "The O.C."

1. A homemade breakfast can cure anything that ails you — and is pretty much guaranteed to make you more popular in any situation

A major tension in the first few episodes is the conflict between Sandy and Kirsten Cohen about whether or not Ryan should be allowed to stay in that beautiful pool house on a more permanent basis. True to form, Sandy the “Crusader for Justice” wants to give the kid from Chino a shot, while Kirsten thinks he’d be better off in foster care. While Ryan’s homemade breakfast doesn’t mark the final conclusion to this conflict, it definitely eases tensions between him and Kirsten. It just goes to show — there are few things that perfectly scrambled eggs can’t fix!

2. Hiding from a problem is typically not the best solution

As any group of high schoolers — or, at least, any group of high schoolers with easy access to empty mansions — would do, Seth and Marissa decide that the best way to avoid having Ryan sent to foster care is to hide him in one of Kirsten and Caleb’s model homes. Great idea, right? Wrong! I’ll spare you the dramatic details of the fight, the fire, and the awkward revelations about the history between Marissa’s dad and Kirsten, but suffice to say that hiding from potential consequences is rarely the answer...even if you are planning to do it in a mansion.

3. Share your dreams with the people you love

While Seth is open with Ryan early in the season about his dream to sail alone to Tahiti, it’s unclear whether or not he’s been as clear with his parents about it. This comes back to bite him in the you-know-where later in the season (and into The O.C. season 2), when he decides to flee Newport in pursuit of his lone journey. Don’t you think it would’ve been handy for people to know his dreams so they could support him in a more meaningful way?

4. Be open about your exes

Oh, where do I begin with this one? There are countless instances in this series where untold secrets about a previous relationship rear their ugly head at very inopportune times for the people involved, but let’s call Ryan, Marissa, and Theresa Exhibit A. If Ryan had been honest with new flame Marissa about his romantic past in Chino from the get-go, he would have avoided an extremely uncomfortable Thanksgiving encounter...and who knows what else? If you’ve had a tendency to be cagey about your exes with a current bae, watching Ryan’s example should make you want to be more honest.

5. People are rarely as intimidating as you think they are

For years, Seth was so enamored with Summer that all he could do was pine for her and secretly bestow her name on his boat, but when they finally met and start flirting, he learns that he’s not the only student at The Harbor School who sleeps with a toy horse next to their bed. (Princess Sparkle and Captain Oats are still so meant to be.) Think of how much less time our boy Cohen would have spent feeling sorry for himself if he’d thought for even one second that Summer was potentially his own kind of dork.

6. It’s important to know when to bring in an expert

Marissa got in way over her head in The O.C. when she tried to tackle Oliver’s health issues on her own, and while she probably needed a real grown up, even adults can learn from the cautionary tale that played out in the penthouse of that fancy hotel. It’s important to learn what you can handle and what’s above your pay grade. There’s no shame in admitting that you can’t get through something on your own. Rather, there’s only shame in knowing that a problem exists and that you didn’t seek the help that’s really needed.

7. Making a choice is almost always necessary, even if it seems like you can have it all

Teenagers everywhere swooned at the thought of being in Seth’s shoes (Chuck Taylors, obviously) and having twoseemingly perfect suitors vying for their attention. Remember those awesome Chrismukkah gifts Seth got from both Summer and Anna? Well, it seemed too good to be true at the time…and it was, because in the end, Seth had to make a choice, and his inability to do so in the first place really damaged his credibility.

8. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time

Sandy and Kirsten spend a lot of time in The O.C. season 1 trying to put their faith in Caleb, even though he continually proved he couldn't be trusted. While it’s nice to give people the benefit of the doubt, this dysfunctional family dynamic should serve as a reminder to all of us that people’s actions speak a whole lot louder than their words.

9. It takes a lot longer to rebuild trust than it does to destroy it

Ryan is basically the poster child for trust issues, and every time he’s let down by one of his friends (ahem, Marissa), we get a front row seat to the inevitably long process of the aforementioned disappointing friend trying to win him back. Life would be much easier — and TV much less interesting, I guess — if we didn’t tamper with people’s trust in the first place.

10. Appreciate family members and all of their quirks

No relationship better demonstrates this truth in The O.C. than that between the Cohen family and The Nana. By the time Sandy’s mother has arrived in Newport, we’ve already been treated to tons of family folklore about how intimidating and, well, mean she is. So when we find out later in the episode (spoiler alert!) that she actually has cancer, it’s like a punch to the gut for us too. This particular emotional roller coaster should serve as a lesson to us all that it’s important to appreciate the good, the bad, and the ugly in our family members because our time with them isn’t guaranteed.

1. We thought our first love was perfect and would argue with anyone who wanted us to take things slow with them.

I'll never forget the first time I fell in love at 19. I thought my ex was the "wind beneath my wings" because he had a great sense of humor and was creative like me. I told myself he was the person I was going to marry so I was offended when my parents didn't think he was mature enough to be in a serious relationship. If this sounds familiar, pull up a chair because Menon explains why we tend to idealize our first love.

"Your first love is your first experience with romantic love too, hence you typically see it with rose-colored glasses. The overwhelming emotion is often infatuation, which tends to overshadow the more critical and analytical part of our brain," she says. Sadly, this sounds like something my parents told me before but I couldn't fathom how true it was as a teen.

As the Clinical Director at Southern California Sunrise Recovery Center, Cavins has seen this play out before too. He says, "In your first relationship, there is a tendency to put your partner on a pedestal. The excitement of new love can create a powerful emotional fog that makes it hard to see flaws clearly."

Essentially, this "excitement of having a boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner supersedes" our ability to questions things we normally wouldn't put up with, according to Menon.

2. We tried to ignore the how many times our first loves disagreed with our values or goals.

While some couples are able to make their relationship work despite having a different outlook on life, sometimes it can be a sign that things aren't going to work long-term. Cavins says, "One major red flag is disregarding differences in values or goals for the future. For instance, you wish to become a parent someday while your spouse swears this will never happen— or vice versa. Early on, you might dismiss these differences, believing love will conquer all. However, these mismatched priorities can lead to resentment and challenges over time."

Honestly, I probably should've ran whenever my ex would mock my belief in God only for us to have to attend his mother and stepfather's church whenever I visited. There was so much confusion there, but I tried to dismiss it as something he needed time to work out.

Menon adds, "If this relationship makes you feel like you'e standing in quick sand - where you are trying to move forward but often feel held back in your individual aspirations, it may not be the right fit for you."

3. We thought it was 'cute' when our first loves made suggestions about which friends to avoid or what clothes to wear.

Cavins says, "Excessively possessive behaviors are another red flag that people often ignore easily when they fall in love for the first time. People tend to justify such behaviors by citing that it's due to love or protective instincts." I'm all for being in a relationship where your partner's able to see different sides of a picture, but controlling behavior shouldn't come with that. What might that look like?

Cavins says, "Your partner may frequently check in on you, offer opinions on who you should spend time with, or subtly pressure you into making choices that suit them." For example, your partner could start off making suggestions about your style that slowly morph into them controlling everything you wear. Somehow I went from being a self-professed 'girly-girl' to trying to emulate the style of 'sneakerheads' in a short amount of time. Though I love wearing everything from New Balance to Niké sneakers now, it's in a way that feels cohesive with my style.

You may have brushed this kind of behavior off because, again, you thought it meant your first love wanted the best for you. "It is understandable that such behavior hypothetically may come off as pleasant or affirming; however, they often signal an unhealthy dynamic of control rather than mutual respect," says

4. We always gave in when our first loves forced us to be affectionate.

*Sigh* I'm shaking my head for my younger self because there were many times I didn't advocate for myself in my first romantic relationship. I'd often give in to affectionate or intimate moments despite wanting personal space so I wouldn't be seen as 'boring' or uninterested in my ex. Menon says, "Given the infatuation, your first relationship can feel all-consuming and often is codependent. Hence, this may result in you overlooking that your partner does not respect your boundaries or desire for personal space."

Partly because the excitement of the relationship makes you want to spend all of your time together, until you don't. And then, it is often too late to correct a maladaptive historical pattern.

4. We always made excuses for why our partners would shower us with affection only to ignore us days later.

Let's be clear, 'love bombing' feels confusing and awful. No one should make you feel like you're the center of their universe only to ignore your calls or texts days later. But, this probably happened while you were with your first love. Cavins says, "There's a tendency for people to brush off their first love's emotional unavailability. When, for example, a partner is not responsive and not engaging in intimate discussions or does not express their feelings, some may rationalize this as them being 'just not ready.'" If that were the case, this person wouldn't have made you feel like being with you is something they truly wanted.

Of that, Cavins believes "it's important to recognize these behaviors early" because "they can result in a one-side emotional investment that leaves one party feeling unfulfilled in the long run." Sadly, my first love would have days where he was super sweet to me only to feel like I was smothering him with attention. This is also the same person who begged me to remain in our romantic relationship when he went to basic training although I felt it would be better if we chose to be friends. Imagine my surprise (and hurt) when he told me we should have an open relationship months after getting stationed for the first time.

I should've known better because he was never 100% on board with the idea of marriage until after he graduated from basic training. Cavins calls this "emotional disconnectedness." His further explanation is this is "when the initial chemistry between the partners subsides that emotional attachment matters." To avoid this, he feels "identifying and addressing any of these is critical in a case where you are looking to create a strong and healthy bond."

5. We ignored the ways our former partner blamed us whenever they got in trouble with their parents or an authority figure.

Did your first love have a hard time taking responsibility for things that went wrong by gaslighting you to absorb the blow of their mistakes? If you've furiously nodding, we should start a support group. Cavins says, "A key sign is a lack of personal or relational growth. Healthy relationships encourage mutual development, but if one partner stays stuck in old patterns while the other grows, it can create frustration and distance."

At no point should you be the reason why your first love got in trouble after answering their parents' house phone late at night after telling you to call at a certain time. It's situations like this that should've alerted us to awful behavior, but I can see how easy it is to dismiss things.

What if I'm in love for the first time and recognize these signs?

First, my heart goes out to you for being in a relationship that doesn't feel healthy. It hurts when we realize the person we thought was so great is anything but. The road to letting go of idealization may be long, but you can and will get better. Cavins says, "In the process of self-healing and recovery, the first step that must be taken is self-reflection. Ask yourself all of the necessary questions that arise, such as what this relationship means for you, what your boundaries are, and what this partnership has revealed about you as an individual."

I keep saying this, but relying on journal prompts can help you unpack a lot of things and, thankfully, Cavins agrees. He says, "You could always opt to talk to a specialist or being journaling in order to find some closure and draw meaning from the experience." Also, he wants you to start "making new memories." But, don't be passive about it.

"You will have to engage yourself in activities that will help redirect the focus of your thoughts. This could include joining a new class, engaging in a hobby, or traveling that involves some independence. These experiences can help shift your mindset from loss to growth and reinforce your identity outside of the relationship," says Cavins.

Another important thing you can do is "solicit help from others," according to him. "Calling on people you trust, like friends and family, to talk about these feelings can significantly help in healing," he says. This also helped me navigate life outside of my first real romantic relationship, reminding me that I still had a lot of love in my life that didn't begin or end with my ex.

Here are Menon's tips:

• Let yourself grieve — Let this loss run its course. If you need to feel angry, sad, distraught, nostalgic. Allow yourself the full breadth of this experience. If I ask you right now "don't think a out a yellow monkey", I can bet you just thought of a yellow monkey. We call this "the imp of the mind". When you reject feelings, or thoughts, they come back 10 times more fiercely. To move the feeling along, we must let ourselves experience it.
• Rediscover your identity (So important) — Your first love is often intertwined with self-discovery, and identity formation. Reconsider your goals, interests, values, friendships and hobbies and try to build your own sense of identity and individuality.

I saw my first love again and it feels like we're falling in love all over. Can we have a happy and healthy relationship?

I'm not going to tell you to run even though I told my ex I never wanted to speak or talk to him again. You could easily reconnect with the first person you fell in love with and realize that you're both in a place where you can have something beautiful. However, Cavins and Menon want you to be mindful if you're in this position.

"Reconnection is possible," begins Menon, "if both parties can objectively claim that they have grown emotionally and resolved the issues that held their relationship back." But, "if the reconnection is built on one person growing and the other not, it is likely to fail," she alerts. You'll need to "proceed with caution," she says because "your first love was a nostalgic era in your life that can cloud your judgement." To put it more clearly, she doesn't want you confuse "the fuzzies" with a "true knowing that the two of you can make it work."

Cavins says, "Reconnecting with a first love can trigger a strong wave of emotions, but it is important that such a decision is made with caution and a strong sense of pragmatism. Personal growth is a primary factor. Each party in the relationship must ask themselves how they have grown and evolved as individuals over time. If past patterns of conflict, immaturity, or unhealthy dynamics remain unaddressed, the same issues could resurface."

He wants you to consider these things:

• Are there any active relationships or past engagements that would make it rather difficult? That's because the feelings that come with reigniting old flames are very strong and can alter a person’s life, making it essential to start thinking from all angles before going ahead with it.
• Address previous challenges that caused the breakup in the first place. If the reasons behind the breakup have been resolved or do not exist anymore, then yes, meeting again has its prospects. However, keep in mind that, at times, memories can be selective and unfavorably distort the truth by overplaying the good qualities while avoiding the negative ones.
• Only rekindle things if both individuals are in a healthy emotional state and the decision is grounded in practical, mutual considerations—not just sentimentality or romanticized memories. Clear and honest discussions and an understanding of purpose are vital in ascertaining if rekindling the relationship will be worthwhile for both parties or if it will simply be an act of revisiting unresolved emotions.