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The Moments That Sparked My Body Insecurity

I can't remember how old I was, but the first time I heard variations of, "She's so little. Are you sure you're feeding her," was from church and family members. Meant as harmless jokes, they caused me to become hyper aware of my body in a way I'd never been before.

I knew people looked different, but my innocence made me believe it didn't matter. Adults were the ones who taught me it did, and if you didn't look 'just right'? Well, you'd eventually hear hushed whispers about it. From that point on, I stopped being picky with my food and tried to eat more than I usually did. But, guess whose body remained the same?

The more I ate and the more my body didn't change, the more I started to resent it for not looking the way I thought a well-fed child's body should look.

Introduction To Puberty

By the time I'd reached 3rd grade, I started hearing whispers about girls who were going through puberty. There was a ton of excitement about getting your period, but mostly everyone talked about how bodies started to 'fill out.' I was disappointed when 'the change' didn't happen for me that year, but I kept hope alive. Needless to say, I didn't gain weight in elementary school even though my friends' bodies were changing.The only signs of puberty I had were the first signs of underarm and pubic hair.

I didn't get my period until after the first day of sixth grade. It was relatively uneventful because I wasn't in pain and didn't see the second one until months later. As the months passed, my periods came and went. But, my body still looked unappealing to me. It didn't help that the guys in school were looking at girls who were more curvaceous either. I had major side character energy in school (or so I thought) and it was awful IMO. It's not that I wasn't liked, but the guys I thought were worth going after had their sights set on girls who didn't look like me.

By the time I made it to my junior year in high school, I stopped worrying about my appearance as much. I'd stopped really focusing on boys and started having fun with new friends. That was the best year in high school because my elective was a journalism class where I became the entertainment editor for the school newspaper. As far as my body insecurity? I barely thought twice about it because I felt I had more to offer than looks.

The Slow Journey To Accepting My Body

By the time I was in my early twenties, it was beyond clear that the body I had was the one given to me. I was tired of wishing I wasn't so slender and decided to start accepting my body for how it looked. I wish I could say I was 100% okay with my body after writing down a ton of affirmations to look at daily, but I wasn't.

I didn't start making peace with being slender until after I turned 28 (right after this photo was taken), and it started to feel good to stop worrying about why I wasn't a certain size. I'd wake up and be more concerned about wearing things that made me feel good instead of fixating on why my body was so small. Honestly, I didn't even flinch the day I found out I was pregnant because I figured I wouldn't gain much weight.

Pregnancy + Postpartum Body Changes

I should've prefaced that last sentence by saying I was convinced I'd still be small during pregnancy because my mom was small — like me — until her second pregnancy. Along with other people, I thought I'd have a round basketball in my stomach and that would be it. But, the day my stepdad rushed my fiancé and I to the hospital so I could give birth is the day I realized I'd gone from 117 pounds to 157.

I was blissfully unaware that my body had changed that much, and it was shocking because I couldn't fit into my carefully curated pre-pregnancy wardrobe. Not only was my postpartum body sore, but it also felt like I'd sprouted extra inches around my waist, hips, and thighs. I went from wanting those things to hating them when they started showing up.

I was devastated because I felt like I'd just learned how to accept my body, only to find new changes waiting for me to welcome into the picture. Also, everything was so soft and squishy — unlike the days where my slender frame felt like it had just enough to cover my bones.

Sadly, I lashed out at my fiancé a ton because I felt uncomfortable in my body — even though he couldn't see anything wrong with it. I was convinced he was trying to do damage control every time he tried to reassure me because I was dealing with major body insecurity.

I didn't start to truly see myself until I started going back to therapy and chose to accept my body as it is. This didn't happen overnight either. I wrote a ton of affirmations on sticky notes to place on my bathroom mirror, and recounted all the miraculous changes my body's gone through over the years. I also started giving myself grace for all the times I wasn't so kind to my body and made myself live in that space until it didn't feel like I had imposter syndrome anymore.

At the time of writing this, my son is three and I'm finally able to look in the mirror without criticizing myself — and I have the fourth trimester to thank for that. My postpartum body expanded in ways I never thought was possible, and it's shown me that change is only bad when I try to hold tight to other people's expectations.

How I Maintain Love For My Postpartum Body

Technically I haven't been postpartum in a while, but I always refer to my body this way because it serves as a reminder that it's been a long journey towards acceptance. The ways I continue to pour into myself vary from day to day, but here's the gist of what helps:

1. Daily Affirmations
2. Words Of Encouragement From My Partner
3. Reminders That My Body Knew What To Do To Carry A Child For 9 Months
4. Wearing Clothes I Genuinely Feel Good In
5. Replacing Negative Thoughts With Positive Ones
6. Giving Myself Grace For All The Moments I Hated My Body
7. Daily Gratitude Practice
8. Accepting That My Body Will Ebb & Flow Over The Years
9. Solo Dance Parties In My Bra & Underwear (I'm so serious, ha!)
10. Touching The Expanded Parts Of My Body & Saying "Hi")