Why I’m Grateful I Grew Up Without Money

1. Talking About Money Can Expose Hidden Feelings

It's impossible to know how someone feels every second of the day, but we probably all think we have a good understanding of the people we're close to. But people are capable of hiding how they feel about something or burying their discomfort until certain situations 'expose' them. Why does it seem like money has a way of doing this?

Both Irwin and Dunlap agree that "money is taboo," leading people to avoid conversations about it. "Data tells us that we are more likely to talk about any other taboo topic—sex, politics, religion, even death—before we’ll talk about money," says Dunlap. West agrees and says, "Money is like that one friend who’s incredibly helpful but totally untrustworthy—everyone likes what they bring to the table, but no one wants to talk about them directly." Did you think of someone specific? It's okay because I did too!

The problem is that money can make "hidden insecurities come out, old sibling rivalries rear their heads," and more, according to West. "Even something like 'who paid for what' can suddenly become a life-or death conversation," she says. It's strange because Irwin says a Wells Fargo study shows that "many Americans across all ages are worried about money," proving we're all thinking about it, despite our avoidance issues.

2. And Money Can Also Create Unease In Conversations

"When we don’t have open conversations about money, we’re left to navigate it on our own, which can keep us feeling underpaid, overworked, or unsure about our financial situation," Dunlap points out. She feels "discussing money requires a huge amount of vulnerability" which "isn't easy for everyone." You may have seen how other topics are swept under the rug by family members or friends based on reasons they're not ready to talk about.

Though Irwin believes saying something like saying, "'Here's what's keeping me up at night' or 'here's what my goals are' could strengthen connections," Dunlap knows that "shame, comparison, or fear of judgement" can cause people to remain tight-lipped about their finances.

If you've experienced a weird moment because of money or had to be the unfortunate witness of an awkward conversation, my apologies. It's not fun no matter who's involved because, unfortunately, "money carries layers of emotions, like pride and insecurity, that turn simple conversations into potential minefields," says West.

Dunlap says there's a silver lining if people are willing to be open, however. "The key is respecting each person’s comfort level, and encouraging openness if they're willing to meet you there. It’s not going to be perfect at first, but by starting to share more about your own financial experiences, you can start to break the cycle of shame and fear around money. You might be surprised at how quickly others are willing to open up too."

3. Making Assumptions About Other’s Money Status And Financial Situation Can Lead To Disrespecting Boundaries

No one's saying you should never lend friends money, but being mindful about the decision is worth noting. West feels "it's complicated" while Dunlap believes the issue "can be tricky." There's a chance a low-key loan becomes an expectation that you should dish out money every time someone needs help, even if you're trying to maintain your own bills. "Lending money to a friend is like sharing your Netflix password—simple in theory, but one wrong move, and things get weird," West forewarns.

Dunlap also says, "When you lend money to someone close to you, there's always the chance that you won’t get it back. You want to be mentally prepared for that! Otherwise, it can strain your finances and your relationship. The emotional toll can be just as heavy, as unpaid loans can lead to resentment or awkwardness." It's not unusual to hear about certain friends being unreliable in more ways than one after you've let them borrow something. Unfortunately, Irwin indicates this happens because some people "don't expect to give something back that they've borrowed."

Because of this, Dunlap thinks "it's best to avoid loans if possible." Should you decide to move forward with helping out a friend who's in a bind, make sure you're both in agreement about repayment and what to expect moving forward. West says "having clear terms" or "gifting a small amount if you can afford it" is like "buying their friendship insurance." The latter is something Dunlap agrees with because it "helps prevent resentment if they can't pay you back as planned." Plus, she feels it also "keeps the loan within an amount you're okay with potentially losing."

4. Lending Money Is A Slippery Slope That Can Lead To Distrust And Resentment

It's amazing how money can lead to a friendship breakup if boundaries aren't created or respected. "Money is a sneaky little devil who can push everyone’s buttons. It can cause resentment if one person feels taken advantage of or someone’s 'casual loan' becomes an epic saga of unpaid IOUs," West says. Not only that, but Dunlap knows "money can strain relationships between friends and family by highlighting differences in how we value it, expect to use it, or feel about sharing it."

Friends and family members shouldn't take each other's kindness for granted, but human nature is fickle at times. That's not an indicator that someone you love is a "bad" person, but they may feel like you owe them your time and money. However, Irwin says this isn't "de facto that that person is entitled." Still, Dunlap is more than aware how this can play out. "For example, it can lead to resentment if one person is always the one picking up the tab, while another might feel uncomfortable or indebted because they’ve been helped financially," she says.

On the other hand, it can show up a little differently in families. She adds, "Issues like unequal inheritance or constant requests for financial help can lead to deep emotional tension. Money can also become a tool for power imbalances, where one person feels in control and the other feels dependent, and that can mess with trust and respect."

When certain negative patterns show up in relationships, it can make people decide to take a step back from being available. "And once distrust settles in, it’s hard to shake; nobody wants to be 'that friend' who’s forever dodging a Venmo request or getting side-eye from relatives at every family BBQ," West points out. How many times have you built up a wall with the people you love because of repeated unreliability or the expectation that you're supposed to help them whenever they ask? If you didn't hesitate to think of a moment, you're living proof that distrust can affect even the closest relationships.

Dunlap says, "When money becomes a main factor in a relationship, it can overshadow the connection, making it difficult to maintain genuine trust and understanding. You can avoid this by having open conversations with friends and family about your financial situation. Clear communication can help keep the focus on the relationship, not the money."

5. You Can Worry You're Not A Good Friend Or Family Member For Setting Money Boundaries

Worrying about how other people feel can keep us from setting boundaries. There's a difference between being an empath and a people pleaser, but it's easy to blur the lines. You can absolutely empathize with someone's hardship while knowing you're not in the position to lend the amount they may be looking for. I'm a huge fan of saying that two things can be true at once — because they can.

Irwin says you need to "address the conversation head on" if a friend does ask you for a loan. Your response may depend on if their ask was "emotionally-charged or "in an uncomfortable environment," but Irwin doesn't recommend ignoring it. If you're not in the space to respond, here's what she suggests saying in a "timely" fashion:

1. "Hey, I need time to think about this. Let me get back to you."
2. "We can help you, but here are our boundaries."
3. "We see and understand you, but we're unable to help because we're trying to pay off debt or save for _______."

Yes, Financial Boundaries Are Essential

Don't think you need to create financial boundaries for yourself and your friends? Think again. West says, "Establishing some ground rules is a lifesaver—think of it adding airbags to the friendship. Setting boundaries early on, like when you’re still in the happy, non-monetary part of the relationship, can protect both sides if things get sticky."

Here's how she advises you proceed with creating boundaries:

1. Keep it light and be honest; you’re not making a prenuptial agreement here, just letting them know you’d like to avoid “financial fireworks” later.
2. Say, “I’m your friend, not your ATM.” It’s funny but helps set the tone that your wallet isn’t a free-for-all.
3. Set a gift cap, such as, "I'm happy to chip in for brunch or a birthday, but let’s not get into home-loan territory.”
4. If you do lend, draw up a repayment plan. Think of it as adulting with a side of accountability to avoid “accidentally” becoming their financial fairy godmother.
5. Limit talk of big financial choices unless you’re genuinely invested together. After all, nobody needs to know how much their friend spends on avocado toast or scented candles, let alone home renos.
6. A little humor and some boundaries go a long way. You’ll save yourself a lot of awkwardness and keep the friendships intact, one “non-loaned” dollar at a time!

Tori says, "It's so important to have transparent conversations about money, set clear boundaries, and ensure that relationships are prioritized in any money exchange." Here are a few things you can try:

1. Communicate about your budget with a “gratitude sandwich.” Say you’re invited to an outing—a dinner, or a sports game—that isn’t within your budget right now. You can respond with the “gratitude sandwich.” The “pieces of bread” are positive, and the “meat” is the money thing you’re scared to say. Thank that person for the invite, let them know it’s not within budget right now, and then offer a cheaper alternative, reassuring them that you’d really love to see them. Offering an alternative reminds that person that declining their invitation isn’t about them, and you still care about them. In doing so, you prioritize your budget AND your relationship in the process.When in doubt, remember that no is a complete sentence. You don’t need to overcomplicate things, and sometimes a simple “no” is all you need.
2. Set expectations early. When planning trips with friends, discuss the budget and how costs will be split upfront. Having these conversations ensures that everyone is on the same page and helps avoid any misunderstandings. It creates a supportive, stress-free environment where everyone can enjoy the experience together without any added worries!

The Final Verdict:

Once you've weighed your options and considered what you need, you can decide to loan your friend money. However, Irwin wants you to consider being formal about it. "You can absolutely draft a promissory note or loan agreement so that your friend knows how serious you are about your boundaries. If you want, you can also put an interest rate on it," she says.

It's not to hurt your friend's feelings, but it is a boundary you can put in place so they think to themselves, "This is truly a loan because I'm borrowing money with the intent to pay it back," Irwin says. It could change the dynamics of your friendship, but it's more about being "purposeful about the language being used" so you and your friend can both move in the "right direction," according to Irwin.

If the idea of creating a 'loan agreement' sounds icky to you, Dunlap wants you to seriously consider it as "an extra bit of protection." She says all you need to do, again, is "try setting up a simple contract to outline repayment terms" because it "can help both of you stay on the same page and avoid misunderstandings down the road."

Her ultimate piece of advice? "Only lend what you're comfortable giving and potentially losing, and keep open communication to maintain trust and respect in the relationship."

How Do I Pay Off Credit Card Debt?

If you're serious about reducing your debt, you'll have to cut back on your nonessential spending by setting a realistic monthly budget for expenses like dining out or entertainment. Come up with a payment strategy that works best for you and your current financial situation. For example, focus on paying off the card with the highest interest rate first while making minimum payments on others. Once the highest-interest debt is cleared, roll that payment into the card with the next highest interest rate. This approach reduces the overall interest you pay and can help you become debt-free faster.

What Is A Debt Snowball?

A debt snowball is a debt repayment method where you focus on paying off your smallest debts first, regardless of interest rate, while making minimum payments on larger debts. The debt snowball method is popular because it builds momentum and motivation, giving you a psychological boost as you see debts disappearing one by one. Once the smallest debt is paid off, you take the amount you were paying on it and apply it to the next smallest debt. This creates a "snowball effect," where your available payment amount grows as each debt is eliminated, helping you pay off larger debts faster over time.

How Do I Get Out Of Debt?

When it comes to getting out of debt, the method that works best for you might be different than what works best for someone else. To get started, list all your debts, including balances, interest rates, and minimum payments. This gives you a clear picture of what you owe. Analyze your income and expenses to see where you can cut back and direct any extra funds toward your debt. Avoid new debt: Shift to a cash or debit-only system to prevent accumulating more debt while paying off what you already owe.

There are a variety of factors, from financial situation to income to dependents, but no matter what your life look like right now, here are some realistic ways to help you conquer your debt.

Create An LBD (Little Budget Library)

A little budget diary is a way to take stock of all your monthly and annual expenses, such as subscriptions, streaming services, and groceries — and write them all down in your LBD, says Brit + Co's Money School instructor Nicole Lapin. "You'll reference this all year — weekly is best — so you'll want to start off on the right foot with an easy-to-reference LBD. Don't make it hard. It's an easy task that will help you get organized quickly," she says.

Be Realistic About Your Expenses

"Do not be aspirational with your numbers," says Skye Kelly. "Pay attention to how you ACTUALLY live and how you ACTUALLY spend and work from there." Track your expenses for a month to create an accurate budget, review your paycheck and follow the 50-20-30 rule. These are the percentages you should spend on essentials, your future, and your lifestyle (non-essentials) with the goal to live within your means and eventually start saving and investing.

Check out Brit + Co's Teach Me Something Newpodcast with finance pro Tonya Rapley for breaking out of the paycheck-to-paycheck cycle.

Set Your Sights On Big Goals

Whether it's that dream bucket-list trip or a buying your first home, think about what your long-term goals are and think big when planning a budget. "When we are committed to a massive financial goal (retiring early and traveling the world with your life partner) suddenly the decision between roses or calla lilies as a wedding bouquet seem meaningless, and we are more inclined to find ways to spend less so we can meet our long-term financial goals," says Skye Kelly. She adds: "Create a budget for the milestone, stay resourceful and use points, seasonal sales, and help or hand-me-downs where you can."

Check out Brit + Co's Teach Me Something New podcast with The Points Guy for credit card tips and travel hacks.

"Spring Clean" Your Finances

Take a moment to organize your expenses. Dedicate a weekend afternoon and delete unused subscriptions, close and consolidate accounts, check in with your savings and retirement plans to make sure they're working for you, reduce auto-renewals, and unload credit card debt byconsolidating them into a single low-interest personal loan. It will feel as good, if not better, than spring cleaning your house, plus think about the money you'll have saved in that afternoon.

Find Your Side Hustle

Beyond just reducing your expenses, look at ways you can increase your income so you can start saving andinvesting to grow your wealth. "Increasing income might look like side jobs, part-time employment, creating an income stream, selling clutter around the home, or creating a product or service that meets the demands of the marketplace," says Skye Kelly. Look at selling clothes on resale sites, having a garage sale come spring, selling books online, starting an Etsy shop if you have a creative interest... anything that will add some extra cash in your pocket each month.

It's OK If It's Not Perfect

"Because budgets are rooted in math, we tend to see everything as right or wrong, which *shudder* brings up a lot of grade-school math class shame for many of us," says Skye Kelly. "If you plan your budget at the beginning of the month and at the end of the month it was only 80% accurate, you are likely killin’ it financially. I’ve asked hundreds of financial experts over the years ‘how many times did you get the budget exactly right?’ and every single answer has been ‘zero times.’"

Avoid Making Money Decisions During Hard Times

Mental wellness plays a big role in how we view our expenses and often we can make decisions in order to make us feel better (retail therapy, anyone?) instead of making healthy long-term financial decisions. "Having a line item in the budget for guilt-free spending is critical if you can afford it," says Skye Kelly. "This guilt-free spending money is there for times you want to splurge even though you might not be able to justify it."

Skye Kelly says it's best to avoid major financial decisions if you can for at least 6 months:

• After a significant death or when you are grieving
• While you or a loved one are experiencing a critical illness or at the onset of a new disability
• After a major breakup or divorce
• When you’ve entered into a new romantic relationship
• If you’ve been diagnosed with or suspect you have a mental illness and are awaiting treatment

"During these times we are highly likely to make emotional or impulsive decisions. Give yourself time to regulate some of the higher intensity emotions that might be driving the urge to spend."

Curious about crypto? Check out Brit + Co's Teach Me Something Newpodcast with finance pro Nicole Lapin for a primer on how to make your first crypto investment.

On an episode of his Armchair Expert podcast, Dax Shepard asked Oscar nominee Cynthia Erivo if her famously long nails make it difficult to wipe when she goes to the bathroom. “I knew you would ask that,” Cynthia responds, saying “no one’s afraid” to ask such an intimate question.

“My answer is that nobody uses just their fingers to wipe their backside,” she says. “You use tissue, correct? And you wipe!”

When he asked if she was annoyed or offended by the question, Cynthia admits she's "annoyed by it."

“I'm, like, 'Come on, guys,' ” she says. “But I get it, but it's also, like, ‘I'm a functioning adult, and I've never walked around smelling like, you know…'"

The actress has proved she's nothing if not honest this fall, going viral for saying "thank goodness" the actresses who auditioned with her for Glinda didn't land the role and for vocalizinghow much a fan edit of the Wicked movie poster offended her (she later admitted she should have texted her friends instead of posting on social media).

Now, this question was very weird to me for a few reasons. Not only does it have nothing to do with the film, but Dax asking Cynthia about her bathroom habits gives me a similar feeling to the one I got watching that male interviewer ask Scarlett Johansson about her underwear during Avengers: Age of Ultron press. Just...what is the reason? Plus, the fact Cynthia has also been vocal about how much she values her nails as a part of Black culture only makes the question (and the fact the nails feel like, no pun intended, the butt of the joke) weirder.

"Here’s the thing," Cynthia tells Dax before switching topics. "There are people who do not have nails who need to check how they’re wiping." Get 'em girl!