Guide to Being the Perfect Guest

The FIRO framework looks at three different types of interpersonal needs:

• Inclusion, our need to belong. How much do you need to be part of a group? How much do you want to be included by other people in their groups, and how much do you want to include others in your group?
• Control, our need for influence. How much to you need to have clear direction and structure in your relationships, both on a one-to-one level and in groups
• Affection, our need for intimacy. How important is it for you to have close personal relationships with other people at a one-to-one level?

The FIRO looks at two different aspects for each of these areas. First, how much of that need is expressed to others, how much of that behavior we initiate to others. For Inclusion, for example, how much do we try to include other people in our activities – your FIRO Expressed Inclusion score. It also looks at how much we want from others.

• For Inclusion: How much do we need other people to include us in their group and involve us in their activities? Wanted Inclusion.
• For Control: The extent to which we try to influence and control others, and how much we want to be in an environment that provides us with structure and clarity. Expressed Control and Wanted Control.
• For Affection: How much we try to be warm and friendly to others, and how much we want others to be warm and friendly to us. Expressed and Wanted Affection.

That gives scores; Expressed and Wanted Inclusion,Expressed and Wanted Control,Expressed and Wanted Affection. And we can have a high, medium, or low score for each of these six areas.

So how can this explain why someone might be misunderstood? Well, this can happen when someone’s expressed and wanted scores are different. Let’s look at an example. Joe has high Expressed Inclusion, but low Wanted Inclusion. He wants to involve lots of people in his activities but doesn’t want them to include him in their activities. He’s likely seen by others as outgoing and sociable, but he also has a real need for privacy.

Because people see his high Expressed Inclusion, his friends are likely to invite or include him more than he wants to be, and he’ll refuse some of those invitations – which might leave them feeling hurt or otherwise harm the friendship. But knowing his FIRO profile will give Joe the language to describe his behavior and keep the friendship alive.

Of course, our interpersonal needs involve other people too. Let’s look at Joe alongside his friend Joan. Joe has high Expressed Inclusion and low Wanted Inclusion. Joan has low Expressed Inclusion and high Wanted Inclusion. This might make for a good relationship. Joe wants to include Joan (high Expressed Inclusion), and she wants to be included (high Wanted Inclusion). Joan doesn’t much want to include other people in her activities (low Expressed Inclusion), and that’s fine with Joe, who doesn’t much want to be included (low Wanted Inclusion).

However, things might be a little different on Affection. Joe has high Expressed Affection and high Wanted Affection. Joan is low on both. Joe wants to be warm and friendly with Joan, to get a connection, but Joan, with low Wanted Affection, doesn’t want that. And Joe is looking for warm and friendly behavior from Joan, which she probably doesn’t want to express. This may be an area where understanding their FIRO results helps them to understand why their relationship may sometimes be strained, and gives them the knowledge they need to make that relationship work.

So take a moment to think about your relationships, your friendships. Are there places where your best friend doesn’t seem to understand you, or you them? Are there times when they don’t quite seem to give you what you need, or vice versa? Maybe understanding your interpersonal needs, or knowing your FIRO profile, could help.

What are your hobbies?

My favorite thing to do when talking to a new friend is to ask them how they spend their time. Because while school and work can have elements of responsibility or obligation, hobbies are pure fun! This is a good question to open your small talk with because it'll help you both loosen up and think about something you love to do. Plus, if you end up learning you share a hobby, you have even more to talk about! (As I discovered during my conversation with author Yulin Kuang!)

What's your favorite way to unwind?

If you want your conversation to feel more relaxed, well, ask about relaxation! Whether your new friend does yoga, they spend a half hour doing skincare, or they read a book chapter every night, this question is sure to get a positive response. Speaking of books...

What are you watching or reading right now?

There are so many movies, TV shows, and books out right now that you're both bound to be in the middle of one title or another. I can (and do) spend hours upon hours talking about my favorite TV shows. This is one small talk question that can make even the most awkward convo enjoyable.

What fictional character is closest to your personality?

And if the TV conversation goes well, take it a step farther by asking which fictional character your new friend relates to the most. It'll give you a little more insight into their personality, and it's just plain fun.

Which Taylor Swift era are you in?

If you and your acquaintance are both Taylor Swift fans, dive deep into your current eras. Whether you're in your Lover era or you're embracing the carefree chaos of 1989, this is the perfect excuse to queue up your Taylor Swift playlist.

Are you a morning person or a night person?

If you're both morning people, you can bond over how nice it is to be the early birds, while two night people will have plenty to talk about when it comes to nightlife or the best places to look at the stars. And if you're opposites, you can give each other tips!

Are you a chocolate person, vanilla person, or neither?

I don't know about y'all, but I refuse to order ice cream unless it's chocolate. I love consistently knowing what to expect. Maybe your new friend feels the same way, or they prefer the spontaneity of ordering a new flavor every single time. Either way, it'll give you a look at their personality AND lead you to the ice cream store. It's a win-win.

What fruit are you?

My current go-to question was born out of my interview with The Outsiders cast (in honor of character Cherry Valance). My current answer is strawberry for a few simple reasons: you know what you're in for, it can be super sweet, and on a good day, it's the same on the inside at the outside.

What's something you're proud of this year?

It's crazy that we're halfway through 2024! Let the conversation take an exciting turn by remembering something fun, memorable, and beautiful.

What's one thing you want to check off your bucket list this year?

But don't spend all your time talking about the past! Think ahead to the second half of the year and talk about a dream or goal you have. It can be as small as finally ordering frames for your gallery wall or as big as scoring a promotion.

Where do you want to travel?

Summer's not over yet! Daydream about somewhere you'd like to see one day, like Italy or Seoul. And in the meantime, plan a day trip somewhere close by :).

Astrology Breakdown For Your Weekly Horoscope

The Full Moon occurs on October 17 at 24 degrees of Aries. We'll all feel the amplification of energy from this Full Moon — but those with their Sun, Moon, or Rising in the Cardinal signs of Aries, Cancer, Libra, and Capricorn will be most affected.

Other planetary energies are intensifying in combination with the Moon, which may lead to increased aggression and destruction on the world stage. There is a Cardinal Grand Cross, with Mars opposite Pluto and the Sun and Moon opposing each other. In our personal lives, it’s best to ride the waves with a goal of balance. If you need an extra boost to accomplish a goal or complete a project, harness this energy for resolution. Aries energy embodies the essence of spring, allowing flowers to burst forth through frozen ground and bloom in a riot of colors and aromas. However, Aries can also be aggressive and warlike. We have a choice about how to express this energy in our personal lives; balance action with compassion, and strive for cooperation and self-advocacy.

On October 13, Mercury, the planet of communication, forms a challenging square to Pluto, the planet of transformation. Traditionally, this indicates potential conflict, misunderstandings, and aggressive interactions. Try to take the high road and refrain from arguing — especially if you know you cannot convince others of your point of view. Instead, use this energy to look within and deepen your understanding of your own psychology. Engage in profound conversations that reveal the essence of your experience.

Also on October 13, Mars, the planet of action and assertiveness, is squaring Chiron, the wounded healer. You might feel tempted to use force and sheer willpower to address frustration. Issues surrounding independence and power may surface. Try to harness your energy and passion to gain a greater understanding of how your need for independence can coexist with the value of harmony in your relationships. Be aware of any tendencies toward co-dependency, but remain committed to your sovereignty. The Sun shines its light on Chiron today in an opposition, illuminating the issues that are triggered. Once again, balance, fairness, and equanimity are essential.

On October 14, the Sun will square Mars, adding more tension to the week’s energy. Ego conflicts, irritability, and impatience may arise. Refrain from initiating conflict; it's better to walk away if you feel challenged during this time. Instead, use this energy to motivate yourself to accomplish a personal goal. Focus and work hard to complete tasks that need attention. Exercise is advisable — but don’t push yourself too hard, as you could strain a muscle.

Also on October 14, Venus, the planet of love, beauty, and money, is opposite Uranus, the planet of upsets and unpredictability. Rather than letting this add to the agitation of the week, open your mind to experiencing a new way of being. Use this energy to break a habit that is not beneficial for you, or start a new routine that promotes your well-being. Experiment with different approaches and see how these changes enhance your life. Embrace your creativity and break free from situations that have become dull or unfulfilling.

October 15 offers a wonderful opportunity to use your creativity to enhance romance, provide inspiration, and tap into higher consciousness for love and harmony. Venus forms a beneficial trine with Neptune, the planet of universal love and compassion. Your intuition will be heightened, and your empathy and sensitivity toward others will be enhanced. Music, art, and breath work are all conduits for expressing your higher self.

​Read Your Weekly Horoscope For Your Sun & Rising Signs

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

With the Full Moon in Aries, you may feel a burst of energy that is hard to contain. Engage in exercise, dance, or any physical activity — just shake it out as best as you can! If you have home projects, now is a great time to finish them. You'll likely feel extra passionate, but avoid confrontation unless you are absolutely certain of your facts and have support. It’s crucial for you to balance your drive for individuality with the need to cooperate with others.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

Communication is key this week. You may feel compelled to speak your mind with authority, and debate might come naturally. Ensure that you and your audience are well-informed and receptive — especially when it comes to testy topics that might arise (there's SO much going on in the world right now). Pay attention to your own health and care for others; being of service is more important than fighting to be right.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

Take your time this week, Gemini. Focus on practicality and be deliberate as you execute your tasks, whether that be a deck at work, or simply just doing the dishes at home. Use your considerable physical strength and dexterity to channel excess energy, helping you maintain equilibrium. Breath work and meditation will assist you in navigating the week’s intensity.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Leverage your natural athleticism to navigate this week’s energy. Healthy competition can be enjoyable, and it may even help resolve underlying issues (even a card game or two can really get you out of your own head!). Trust your intuition and insights — you ultimately know what's best for you, and what you need next. You might even feel driven to explore topics that have been elusive; research and exploration can be exciting.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You may want to escape the week’s intensity through fantasizing or daydreaming. Instead, channel that energy into creative projects. If you lack energy, exercise, but be disciplined enough to return to your tasks. Whatever you do, though, use your natural creativity to approach something new or unexpected. Take time to recover, but avoid getting lost in an imaginary world. You have big ideas, Leo — you just have to remember how to harness them as best as you can.

Virgo(August 23 – September 22)

Take advantage of every opportunity to collaborate. Be mindful that some people may display aggressive behavior, and tactfully sidestep anyone who is combative — you can control who you let in your corner. Pool resources, develop teams, and work creatively with others. Think outside the box to find ingenious solutions. The world is your oyster, Virgo!

Libra(September 23 – October 22)

The Full Moon is opposite your Sun, urging you to take action. Be proactive and assertive. Reflect on your behaviors and modify anything that feels out of balance. This week is an opportunity to focus on your own needs as well as the greater good. Remember the airline safety protocol: put your mask on first before helping others. Maintain balance and harmony by advocating for yourself.

Scorpio(October 23 – November 21)

You may feel especially powerful this week, making it imperative to engage in the right use of that power. Take time to reflect before acting, ensuring you see the bigger picture clearly — it's okay to pause before pressing play sometimes. Pursue what you know to be true with efficiency and tenacity. Self-care is crucial as you navigate this intense energy, especially if you are making long-overdue changes. Your actions over the next few weeks will set you up for the future, so pay attention to details and move forward confidently.

Sagittarius(November 22 – December 21)

Look for ways to transform your health that differ from your usual methods. Reach out to your community for inspiration. Use your body to move energy this week, even if it feels unfamiliar. Open your mind and change your attitude for profound growth. Be willing to embrace something different, because it may be all the healing you've needed all along.

Capricorn(December 22 – January 19)

You have a chance to balance your relationships in meaningful ways. Embody the Libra qualities you admire most. While achieving equanimity among partners, friends, and family can be challenging, the energy of the Full Moon offers an opportunity to make significant strides toward that balance. If you feel unbalanced internally, focus on creating equanimity within yourself. You deserve to fill up your cup with calm waters, Capricorn.

Aquarius(January 20 – February 18)

Stay open to unexpected encounters with people or things you might not usually find appealing. Life lessons and inspiration can come from all sorts of experiences — even in the most mundane of moments! Pay attention to your health and make long-term beneficial choices. Be mindful of who you meet, what you see, what you eat, and how you help others. Embody Libra qualities whenever possible. This balance will drive you!

Pisces(February 19 – March 20)

Your intuitive abilities are heightened right now, Pisces. You can find great satisfaction and inspiration through creative expression. If you feel stuck, move your body — dance, swim, or practice Tai Chi. Let music and nature inspire you. The intense energy from the Full Moon is available for you to manifest your art and uplift your spirit — tap into it with abundance. Establish boundaries to repel aggressive energies, ensuring your art remains your sanctuary.