Here’s Why You Want Your Ex So Badly When You Break Up

To state the obvious: Breakups and fights with a significant other really blow. Distress within a relationship and the ultimate fight, the breakup, can be extremely painful, confusing, and often leave you with a deepened sense of longing for your partner. Somehow, the turmoil makes us want to be as close to our partner (or ex) as possible. Now, researchers have found out why this happens.

According to a new study from the Norwegian University of Science and Technology and the University of New Mexico, the brain releases oxytocin (that’s the “love hormone” that makes people want to cuddle after sex, among other things) when someone perceives that their partner is less involved in the relationship than they are and during times of distress in the relationship. While oxytocin is mostly known as a hormone associated with love and bonding, the researchers argue that it’s also a “crisis hormone,” according to a study press release.

Researchers examined 75 couples and 148 individuals who are romantically involved and found that oxytocin increased both during times of bonding and in times of relationship instability. In fact, oxytocin release was even more consistent with moments of distress than in times of love and bonding.

Researchers discovered this by observing that partners who were more involved in the relationship released oxytocin when thinking about their significant other, whereas those who were less involved did not.

Study co-author Aarseth Kristoffersen says one reason why this could happen is “because people in a relationship where their partner is waffling need to engage more” in order to make the relationship work. Co-author Steven Gangestad says, “What’s implied here is a statement about what oxytocin is doing: It’s perhaps fostering attention to and motivation to ‘take care of’ the relationship.”

These findings suggest there’s a biological desire to make things work with our partners when they seem checked out, or when the relationship has ended. Whether or not it’s good or healthy to listen to the instinct to make things work and keep investing in the relationship is another issue altogether. The brain may say “stay!” but if the relationship is dysfunctional or unhappy, the tough work of acting in our best interests — but against what our body is telling us — begins.

It also stands to reason that this phenomenon contributes to the strong urge to reconcile and make things work during a breakup. If the less-involved person leaves the relationship altogether while their partner is releasing oxytocin because of the distance caused by the breakup, that second person is still driven to be close and pay attention to their partner. And that’s one of the major emotional pains of breaking up.

The study helps explain what’s going on when relationships are in distress, and also raises a lot of interesting questions about romantic partnerships. Is it possible to counteract oxytocin’s effect to make fights and breakups easier? Does oxytocin prompt people to stay in unhealthy relationships longer than they should? There’s still a lot more research to be done on the subject, but just knowing this phenomenon exists helps us better understand our behavior in relationships.

Do you think the “crisis hormone” has played a role in one of your relationships? Tell us about it on Twitter @BritandCo.

(Photos via Getty)

A lot of people pride themselves on being optimists, and TBH, if you canstay positivewith everything that’s going on in the world today, major props to you. For most people who consider themselves the glass-half-full type, it’s a lifestyle. They try to look at everything that comes their way, from relationship troubles to work mistakes, with a positive spin. But a recent study investigated whether optimists still stay more positive than pessimists when things get really tough, and what they found was pretty surprising.


Scientists analyzed nine previous studies to see how both optimists and pessimists brace themselves for receiving important and potentially negative news, like medical test results. They found that even though people who identify as optimists tend to be more positive in general, they too start assuming the worst as the moment of truth about something important nears. It’s easy to understand this instinct, since some people tend to believe that preparing yourself for the worst will ultimately make it less shocking if it happens. On the other hand, some people would rather stay positive whenever possible, since it’s easier to fight off stress and anxiety when you have a sunny outlook. Here, we’ve gathered some of our favorite expert tips for staying optimistic when you’re dealing with some super hard stuff.

How To Stay Positive

1.Learn to reframe negativity. “The trick to positivity is not avoiding pessimism,” says Elaine Taylor-Klaus, a certified professional coach. “It’s really about how quickly you can redirect your focus from negative to positive. Critical thinkers are going to see problems to be solved, but the ability to ‘reframe’ the conversation is the really important skill for people to practice.” She recommends getting into the habit of acknowledging negative thoughts and then asking, “What else is possible here?” This can guide you back into a positive mindset more quickly.

“Bottom line: Negativity happens,” she says. “Positivity is a choice, and the quicker you learn to reframe, the more time you’ll spend in a positive space. Then, over time, the more likely you are to turn directly to a positive interpretation of events.”

2. Ask yourself if this will matter a month or year from now. Sometimes things seem crucial AF in the moment, but might be inconsequential even just a few days after that. Just think about high school drama. “When we can leave the past behind and even know in the present moment that this feeling won’t last, it can help to remind us that time heals and life goes on,” explainsSharon Stokes, life-fulfillment coach.

3.Give back. Volunteering is an amazing way to change your entire perspective, saysLyssa Menard, a clinical health psychologist, founder of Strategies for Changeand assistant professor at Northwestern University’s medical school. “There are many organizations that don’t require an ongoing commitment, so sign up for an event that’s meaningful. Research shows that giving to others is one of the quickest routes toward happiness. While happiness and positivity are different, they’re correlated,” Lyssa says.

4. Role play to be more objective. Playing a little mind trick on yourself can work wonders, says Lori Scherwin of Strategize That, a career coaching service. “We’re often better at helping others than ourselves,” she notes. “Make the situation more objective and less personal to you. For example, consider if it were anyone else in the situation (like your best friend, partner or colleague). How would you see the same ‘problem?’ What advice might you give them to get out of it?” she asks. This will help you shift from being super hard on yourself to more objective, and most likely, more positive.

5. Make changes to things that are within your control. Spending time worrying about something that you can’t change isn’t really worth the effort. Instead, “Focus on areas where you have agency,” suggests Holly Burton, a career coach for women in male-dominated industries. “You may be stuck in a role you don’t love at work, but you could probably work a few extra hours a week and take on a project that interests you. You could also schedule some proactive meetings with your boss to make an action plan to develop the skills you need to make a lateral move,” she says. In most situations, whether they’re career-related or not, it’s possible to take actions to make things better for yourself.

6. Practice radical acceptance. Some professional coaches suggest trying out the idea of radical acceptance, which is basically accepting the things you cannot change, even if they’re not right or you don’t agree with them.

7.Try this gratitude challenge. First, journal about one event each day for seven days that made you feel happy and/or thankful and include the specifics of why it made you feel that way, going deep into the details. Second, send one random thank you email or text to someone each day, either personally or professionally. This message should include what they did and why it’s worthy of the shout out. Detailed gratitude journals are proven to improve your life satisfaction, so try to stick to a gratitude practice, even in the good times!

What do you do when you’re trying to stay optimistic? Have you tried any of these techniques? Tell us about it @BritandCo!

This article has been updated.

'Tis the season... for giving and getting things you (and your giftees) might not really need. With sustainability becoming a paramount concern for many and the drawbacks of overconsumption entering our collective consciousness, the idea of gifting thoughtful, handmade, and possibly even zero-waste gifts is becoming ever more appealing. The only problem? We're not all as handy as we might like to be. Don't worry though — you don't need to be an expert maker to craft these DIY Christmas gifts! From beginner to advanced, there's a homemade Christmas gift idea for giver and giftee alike.

1. Edible DIY Christmas Gift Ideas

Brit + Co

If you know your way around a kitchen, don't sleep on the opportunity to give your loved ones an edible gift. You know it'll get used (AKA eaten), and it's essentially a zero-waste gift-giving strategy.

We love making pretty desserts that work well as gifts, like this matcha yogurt bark, this peppermint bark, these super easy Christmas cookie recipes, and these edible gift ideas. Package them up with these creative gift wrapping techniques, or forego paper altogether and wrap them with a cute kitchen towel for a zero-waste approach.

2. DIY Craft Kits To Gift

Etsy

If you're a complete beginner to DIY and handmade Christmas gifts, it might be smart to start out with a kit. A DIY kit allows you to fashion a thoughtful gift that shows your recipient just how much time and effort you put into giving them something special.

This DIY permanent jewelry kit is perfect for someone who wants to give their bestie a one-of-a-kind present this year. You can also DIY Christmas-scented candles, grow your loved one's birth month flower, or construct a super-cute tiny house to be displayed as kitschy decor.

3. Handmade Christmas Gifts

Photo By: Kaboompics.com

We love a good DIY. Our favorite presents are handmade Christmas gifts, and we've shared a ton of homemade gift ideas in our time.

A cute winter terrarium is perfect for the quirky decor lover in your life, while nothing brings the hygge vibes more than a hand-knit blanket. Give your favorite houseplant lover some gorgeous flora in one of these DIY cement planters, or embroider a pillow that'll add a cute touch of color to your bestie's home!

4. DIY Home Decor

Brit + Co

Speaking of your bestie's home, we've got plenty of ideas for DIY Christmas gifts you can give in the home decor category.

Spruce up a simple IKEA desk to give your work wife a WFH chair that's cute and from the heart. Make magazine wall art in your giftee's favorite colors to add a homemade, kitschy touch to their space. This Anthro-inspired DIY chandelier is another great option for artsy decor lovers.

A friend who loves hostessing will appreciate this pineapple cutting board, and someone who's into the beauty of organization will swoon over this DIY wall organizer.

DIY Jewelry

Brit + Co

Many of us adore jewelry, so why not give someone in your life a cute and colorful accessory this holiday season? These acrylic earrings are super colorful and adorable, while this DIY choker is '90s inspired and totally on-trend. We also love this geode statement necklace and this cute necklace made out of old tee shirts. Talk about sustainable style!

Love these DIY Christmas gift ideas? Be sure to subscribe to our newsletter for gift guides, recipes, and other holiday inspo!

Brit + Co. may at times use affiliate links to promote products sold by others, but always offers genuine editorial recommendations.

This post has been updated.

It's fun to learn more about ourselves and to feel understood — that's why we take personality tests so incessantly. And since we live in an age of increased self-awareness, we can apply those tests to so many things, like our Hogwarts house and makeup preferences. Clearly, knowing thyself has taken on a whole new meaning lately, and we love the things that these tests can tell us — but did you ever wonder how your personality might affect your dreams? In a new study, Best Mattress Brand set out to discover whether specific types of people had particular types of dreams. Read on for their fascinating results.

The test explored each component of the Myers-Briggs types, which can be broken down into eight characteristics:

Extraversion or Introversion: This is the way you focus your energy. Extroverts focus on the outside world, and Introverts focus on their inner world.

Sensing or Intuition: This is the way you process information. Sensing individuals focus on the facts, and Intuitive individuals interpret the facts.

Thinking or Feeling: This is the way you make decisions. Thinkers process decisions logically, and Feelers make decisions with context and emotion in mind.

Judging or Perceiving: This is the lens through which you interpret the world. Judgers prefer decisive action, while Perceivers like to keep their options open.

Together, your individual combination of these eight traits creates your personality type. Given these traits as variables, the study surveyed 1,000 people on their Myers Briggs traits and their sleep habits.

As you'd imagine, there were a lot of discrepancies between Introverts and Extroverts. Interestingly enough, Extroverts are 17.7 percent more satisfied with their levels of energy during waking hours than their introverted counterparts. Perhaps it's because of their dream habits: Extroverts also have 8.3 percent fewer nightmares than Introverts. Extroverts also dream about traveling 13.9 percent more often than Introverts do.

What about the content of these dreams? If you're Intuitive, you're 16.8 percent more likely to dream about being killed than Sensers are. ­Apparently, Intuitive individuals' dreams are more violent across the board: They also dream about getting attacked and “punching something with no effect" more often.

There's also a substantial difference between Thinkers and Feelers when it comes to dreams. The more emotional Feelers dream about getting pregnant more often than Thinkers do, and they dream about their friends more often too. Perhaps Thinkers are just thinking too hard; they talk in their sleep almost 10 percent more than Feelers do.

The Judgers and Perceivers have their differences as well; in fact, Perceivers have night terrors 10.2 percent more often than Judgers, probably due to the fact that they experience reality so deeply.

Does your personality type match up with these findings? Let us know @BritandCo.

(Photo via Brit + Co)

This post has been updated.

It looks like we'll just be getting Jacob Elordi movies for the rest of time, and honestly, I'm thankful. (Even if that one cringy Kissing Booth scene still runs on a loop in the my brain). Before Swift Horses with Daisy Edgar Jones, Jacob is teaming up with another Hollywood titan you'll recognize from Pretty Woman: Richard Gere. And the movie looks incredibly emotional.

Here's all the latest info on Jacob Elordi and Richard Gere's brand new movie Oh, Canada.

What is the Oh Canada movie about?

Oh, Canada Plot

Oh, Canada follows the life of legendary (albeit fictional) filmmaker Leonard Fife. This story probably approaches Leo's career the way we think about Steven Spielberg's. AKA, he's very important. Leonard decides to tell his life story before he runs out of time. And even though he's got an impressive resumé, he also has to decide if he wants his Vietnam draft dodge and sticky relationships to become public knowledge.

"Leonard sits for an extended interview with his former student Malcolm (Michael Imperioli), relating candid stories about his younger self (Jacob Elordi) in the tumultuous 1960s and beyond," the synopsis says, adding that "at Leonard’s insistence, his wife and indispensable artistic partner, Emma (Uma Thurman), bears witness to it all."

How to watch Oh Canada?

Oh, Canada Release Date

Jacob Elordi's new movie is coming to theaters December 6, 2024 — the same day as Rachel Zegler's Y2K and Amy Adams' Nightb—ch!

Who's in the movie?

Kino Lorber

Oh, Canada Cast

The cast of Oh, Canada includes Richard Gere, Jacob Elordi, Uma Thurman, Michael Imperioli, and Victoria Hill, while the movie is written and directed by Paul Schrader (who also worked with Richard on 1980's American Gigolo!

What has the cast said about the movie?

Uma Thurman has been vocal about how excited she is to be a part of the project and told Deadline the movie feels like a "reverie" and has a "lyrical, sort of loosely knit, poetic" quality about it.

"The cinematic hand of Paul, of course, carried the day, as far as bringing this sort of illusionary dream together into something that you walk away from with the strong impression of a story," she says. "Just the presence of a master like Paul Schrader on a set of any size, is as distinct as, I don’t know, a warm wind. It’s like the wind that hits you when you get off a plane in the tropics. There’s only one thing of its ilk, and he’s kind of a master like that. You could really be anywhere; you can’t miss it."

That sounds like my kind of movie.

Director Paul Schrader revealed he fell in love with Jacob's performance the moment he saw him — which was before he took the world by storm in Priscilla. “I saw his performance on Zoom and, if this was 40 years ago, this is the guy I would have cast for American Gigolo,” he told The Hollywood Reporter.

Are you excited to see Oh, Canada? Check out the other New December Movies you can't miss out on!

If you're looking for a winter wedding guest dress, then look no further! Winter is the perfect time to lean into your glam side, with a little shine, a sexy slit, or even a statement neckline on your dress. And while the typical palette may lean towards darker, deeper colors, that doesn't mean you have to opt for the same boring look. Instead, I found a ton of elegant dresses that'll land you the Best Dressed Wedding Guest award in no time — and you'll wanna rewear them as much as possible. Cheers!

Shop all the best winter wedding guest dresses here!

Nordstrom

Betsy & Adam Asymmetric Single Long Sleeve Gown

I'm sorry, but nothing is more elegant (or sexier) than a black gown with the perfect peek-a-boo leg slit down the front. When you pair that with this gorgeous asymmetrical sleeve situation, you really have the perfect winter wedding guest dress!

Abercrombie

Abercrombie Long-Sleeve Cowl Back Slip Maxi Dress

Cowl necks are always a classy look — but what about a cowl back?! This whole dress is giving "simplicity is elegance" at its finest. (And BRIDES: this little navy number comes in cream, making for a fabulous bridal outfit, too!)

Anthropologie

Bardot Adoni Off-The-Shoulder Fitted Stretch Lace Midi Dress

I know, I know — it's controversial to wear red to a wedding. But truly, I've never in my life heard that rule until recently, so it can't matter that much, right? I'll let you decide that for yourself, but while you're thinking about it...look at how gorgeous this off-the-shoulder number is!

Azazie

Azazie Atelier Bellini Grape Jacquard Satin Maxi Dress

I adore this deep, rich eggplant color SO much. It goes so well with this high neckline and jacquard fabric, absolutely emanating elegance. This looks fantastic with strappy gold sandals (like above), but I could also see this looking amazing with some pointed toe velvet pumps.

Lulus

Lulus I'm All Yours Black Tulle Ruffled Maxi Dress

I have this exact dress in burgundy, but I am totally into the black tulle. It gives an edge to the elegance that's so playful and COOL. Plus, who doesn't love a deep v neck like this? It's so freakin' good.

Target

Petal and Pup Womens Anabelle Halter Neck Midi Dress

Asymmetrical dresses are absolutely the moment right now. The draping on this Target dress is totally gorgeous, making you look effortlessly beautiful. Plus, if this shade of teal isn't your color, you have 10 other options to choose from — and at under $100!

Nordstrom

Ieena for Mac Duggal Sequin Long Sleeve Faux Wrap Gown

My mom wore this exact dress in black to my own wedding, and she looked like a total goddess. The shimmer could seem like a lot for some, but it's really quite lovely and just understated enough when you're in that glittering wedding environment. You'll definitely wanna dance the night away in this look!

Free People

Elliatt Calypso Dress

Looking for a shorter winter wedding guest dress? This Elliatt option is stunning! The body of the dress itself is really quite simple, letting the statement bow on the back do all the heavy (and very stylish) lifting for your look. I'd pair this with an Audrey Hepburn-esque updo and some pointed black pumps!

Azazie

Azazie Atelier Sara Marigold Maxi Dress

Let this marigold dress light up the room at the next wedding you're invited to! The floral pattern is perfect for winter, not leaning too spring, and giving this balloon sleeve dress a little extra life. (And do you see the slit? I'm telling you: it's the perfect way to accentuate your wedding guest look!)

Anthropologie

Norma Kamali Tara Long-Sleeve Deep-V Ruched Stretch Jersey Midi Dress

Norma Kamali knows how to make something simple oh-so sexy. This dress hugs your curves in all the right places, and the ruching gives the sleek silhouette some much-needed texture. Plus, the slightly off-the-shoulder of it all is just everything — it's giving old Hollywood glam meets modern babe.

Nordstrom

Mac Duggal Long Sleeve Pleated Satin Cocktail Midi Dress

Like I said before, winter doesn't me you can't wear color! This shade is just bright enough to make a statement, but just earthy enough to be perfect for the season. The pleats and the buttoned, ballooned sleeves are just gorgeous here too!

Anthropologie

By Anthropologie The Maya Ruched Cowl-Neck Dress: Stretch Velvet Edition

I seriously just love a high neckline! There's something about it that screams class (but a distinguished, polite scream of course 😉), which is totally what you're going for with your winter wedding guest dress. I also love how the stretch velvet will give you the space to sit, eat, and dance comfortably all night long — exactly what you need for a festive wedding eventing!

Nordstrom

Alfred Sung One-Shoulder A-Line Gown

Alfred Sung makes stunning gowns that are perfect for all your winter wedding guest needs! I wore a different Alfred Sung dress a few years back to a December wedding, and it made me feel totally elegant. This sleek design would look gorgeous on anyone, and the A line silhouette gives you plenty of room to hit the dance floor all you want!

Tuckernuck

Tuckernuck Black Clea Dress

She's giving Audrey Hepburn! She's giving Grace Kelly! She's giving EVERYTHING! Seriously, this neckline is incredible, this length is lovely, and the dress itself is the perfect canvas to make your own. Add some fun jewelry, grab a fun shoe, and let your hair down for an evening — in the most elevated way possible.

Anthropologie

Mac Duggal Sleeveless Rhinestone Flower Crepe A-Line Mini Dress

In case you're looking for another shorter option, I love this Mac Duggal dress! The flower on the hip is so unique, yet it's giving a timeless charm that would look amazing on anyone! I could totally see this with some stunning red tights, an updo, and some statement earrings.

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Brit + Co may at times use affiliate links to promote products sold by others, but always offers genuine editorial recommendations.