Why Building Community Is the Secret to Feeling More Connected

Why do people want to share their relationship status with others?

My sister used to ask me this question when I was in my 20's, and I always looked at her like she had two heads growing. I couldn't fathom the idea that people wouldn't want to talk about their relationship online because it felt like everyone was doing it. I mean, a study from Pew Research Center shows 8 in 10 people on social media see relationship posts, so it clearly wasn't outrageous to think it was normal.

But, that still doesn't answer why people are drawn to sharing cute little updates about their partner or relationship. Luckily, Bray has a good indication of what drives people to give others a sneak peek into their lives. "People share their relationship status for all kinds of reasons. Some want to mark their territory — nothing says 'back off' quite like a cute couple selfie! Others are just excited and proud of their partner and want to share the joy," she says. That stems from people's "need for a sense of belonging or to receive positive reinforcement from others," she adds.

But, this doesn't necessarily make people weird. It's just human nature that makes us act the way we do. "We as humans are just hard wired to seek connection, and broadcasting our connections, makes us feel more accepted and secure in our social lives."

Should couples have conversations about their social media expectations?

I don't care how hot you think someone is, you're going to have to learn how to communicate with them. It's true even if your chemistry is off-the-charts because healthy relationships don't fall out of the sky. They're built via honesty, respect, forgiveness, and other important factors.

Before assuming your partner is or isn't okay with you posting about your relationship, Bray is 100% convinced you should talk things through. "Social media is still in the wild west of relationship etiquette, and without discussions, assumptions about 'correct' behavior can run wild," she hints. For example, you could be happily posting about your partner only for someone to point out that they're not following you on social media.

"Some people are super private, while others practically live their lives online. Misunderstandings happen when expectations aren't laid out so talking about it can prevent messiness in the long run," Bray observes.

If two people have gone on a couple of dates, should one of them be upset if the other isn't publicly talking about them?

So, you swiped right on Tinder or Bumble, and you had a few amazing dates with one of your matches. Before you start publicly declaring your love for them, Bray wants you to reconsider. "Hold on! It's just a few dates! Let’s pump the brakes. The early stages of dating is not the time to make grand social declarations," she declares. As someone who tried to 'date' people from Tinder, those first few dates aren't a guarantee that you've found the love of your life.

"Posting someone on social media can feel like a big step to some people so expecting that level of public commitment too soon might be too much pressure. If you’re already thinking, 'Why haven’t they posted about me yet?' after two dates, it might be a good time to check in with yourself about where those expectations are coming from," advises Bray.

I've recovered from my former, "Is he the one" obsession so also take it from me — see where things go first and then refer back to question #2!

Is it a red flag if someone doesn't post their partner on social media?

It would be so much fun if we personally had Dustin Poynter, the flag guy, from TikTok helping point us in the right direction — but this is one of those things that errs on the subjective side. Though Bray doesn't feel it's necessarily healthier to keep your relationship private, she thinks "context matters." "Some people are just more private or feel weird about social media in general," she says.

But, that doesn't mean certain behaviors don't warrant a few eyebrow raises. She notes," If someone is super active on social—like posting about their dog’s morning routine and every cupcake they’ve ever had—but doesn't ever mention their partner, it could create a need for a deeper conversation." Before you feel justified about grilling your partner — as satisfactory as that may feel — take a second to breathe.

Bray would prefer you work to understand "why they don't post, rather than assuming your partner is keep you a secret." If you discover the latter to be true, follow your instincts and let that person go because you don't deserve that!

Do you think it's healthier for couples to keep certain aspects of their relationship private?

Everyone has a different view of what makes a romantic relationship healthy, so this is one of those things Bray says, "absolutely depends on the couple" because some "genuinely enjoy sharing their lives online." You've probably seen your share of couples who make cute content together whether they're married or not. I'd be lying if I said I don't specifically keep up with a few whose content makes me smile.

But, other couples may not be interested in sharing their relationship online because they "want to be private and keep the relationship free from the judgements or opinions of others," according to Bray. That's not to say they have something to hide, though. Instead, think of it as a personal preference.

"As long as both partners are on the same page and it’s not a source of tension, it’s all about finding the balance that works for them. If it starts to feel like a performance for likes rather than genuine connection, though, that’s where it can become problematic," Bray reminds.

How can someone bring up their partner's posting habits without sounding accusatory?

You may feel eager about posting about your partner while they're less enthusiastic and this could make you feel upset. It's easy to jump to conclusions when you're already upset, but Bray feels "tone is everything." Ironically, she suggests something I've heard in therapy sessions and that's "to be curious, not confrontational." Hopefully this stopped you in your tracks if you were ready to give your partner a piece of your mind.

"You can say something like, 'Hey, I’ve noticed we haven’t shared much about each other on social media? What’s your take on sharing stuff about us online?' It’s important to frame it as a mutual exploration of rather than a demand for a public declaration," Bray points out.

What would you tell someone who wants to emulate couples who consistently post content together?

We've all seen couples who we think have the cutest relationship, even though we've never met them before. As much as you may admire a couple, Bray thinks it's a "slipper slope" if you want to try to recreate their online moments. "I’d encourage someone to focus more on what makes their own relationship feel fulfilling, rather than chasing #couplesgoals," she encourages.

However, this isn't a sign that you're not supposed to ever share anything about your partner or relationship! "If posting together feels fun and real, go for it! But if it starts feeling like a performance or that you are in competition with other couples, it's probably good to take a step back," she warns.

Also, keep in mind that social media doesn't show you every single moment of couples' lives so don't worry about trying to look picture perfect based on a 30 second to 30 minute video.

Consider This: Reflections for Finding Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab (October 15, 2024)

Therapist and bestselling author Nedra Glover Tawwab captured my attention with her titles Set Boundaries, Find Peace and Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships so much that I always have them on my desk. It's one of the reasons I'm so excited to dive into her new book, Consider This: Reflections for Finding Peace, next month!

It's almost as if she has secret intel, with all the precious nuggets she'll share that will help us center ourselves during tough moments. From friendly reminders to loving, but firm nudges, Tawwab provides guidance on everything from boundaries to finding joy during every moment.

Slowing: Discover Wonder, Beauty, and Creativity Through Slow Living by Rachel Schwartzmann

Author and Slow Stories podcast host Rachel Schwartzmann is here to remind us to slow TF down. Between receiving new information at the speed of light and having busy schedules, it's no wonder we're so stressed! Instead of being controlled by work and business, Schwartzmann wants us to reimagine the way we live and create.

She has poignant essays about the positive effects of slowing down — plus, she introduces readers to other voices who have insight about their own experiences with doing so! There are even "guided practices" to help reignite our introspection and creativity through journaling.

The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control: A Path to Peace and Power by Katherine Morgan Schafler

Perfectionists, we've been summoned with a guide that wants to give us permission to stop trying to control everything. It's so funny — this book landed on my radar after stressing about how I haven't felt in control for a long time. See how life works?

Anyway, psychotherapist Morgan Schafler knows we've been spoon-fed ideology about having balance in our lives, and feels like it's actually not helpful in the long run. She even helps categorize different versions of perfectionism: classic, intense, Parisian, messy, and procrastinator. Yes, that's right. Your procrastinating habit is rooted in perfectionism.

Instead of telling you to get rid of a part of who you are, Schafler breaks down why we respond to things a certain way and teaches how to live life so that our perfectionism doesn't necessarily control every single thing we do.

The Secret Language of the Body by Jennifer Mann and Karden Rabin

Do you know the role our nervous systems plays in our bodies? It's basically our in-house communication center for messages between our brains and bodies. It's what triggers or flight or fight mode, which comes in handy if we're trying to escape a bristly bear in the woods, but does nothing for us if we're upset someone cut us in line at Starbucks. Little moments like that lead to nervous system dysregulation and can cause a lot of pain.

Mind-body practitioners Jen Mann and Karden Rabin wrote The Secret Language of the Body as way to help us understand what truly goes on in our nervous systems. They dive into topics like somatic therapy, Polyvagal theory, and how our minds and bodies are connected so we can stop living in survival mode.

The Joy of Saying No by Natalie Lue

You know what's even harder to navigate life with besides perfectionism? It's being a people pleaser and considering everyone else's feelings before you think about your own.

The Joy of Saying No aims to explain how this is often rooted in our childhoods from being known as the good kid to the one who believes overachieving makes them more likable. It's true these roles served a function, but they can also stop us from being who we are as adults. Natalie Lue wants to help us recognize how we continue to operate in people-pleasing mode via six steps so we can reset our connection to others.

Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski, PhD and Amelia Nagoski, DMA

I'm going to talk about this book forever! It's one of my go-to reads when I'm experiencing so much burnout I can barely think straight. Sisters Emily Nagoski, Phd and Amelia Nagoski, DMA know that burnout isn't a new phenomenon — nor are they claiming it is. What they do know is too many women continue to experience it and are determined to help us change course.

There's lessons about how to move through our natural biological stress cycles, check in with our brains when we're frustrated, and get intimate with our inner critics who live to remind us that we're not doing enough. It's written so beautifully that you'll feel like you're talking to a friend who majored in psychology, but still has the same down-to-earth attitude you first encountered as kids.

The Sugar Jar: Create Boundaries, Embrace Self-Healing, and Enjoy the Sweet Things in Life by Yasmine Cheyenne

Yasmine Cheyenne's Sugar Jar metaphor is one of the easiest ways for us to realize how depleted we can become if we're not managing our boundaries and healing. From leaving our proverbial jars open, we become subject to energy vampires and moments we don't recognize we need to replenish ourselves until we're on the brink of burnout.

She teaches us how to understand what makes us feel exhausted, how we can press reset, and break up with our own negative habits. Also, she taps into our people-pleasing tendencies so we can find healthier ways to show up for ourselves and others.

What It Takes to Heal: How Transforming Ourselves Can Change the World by Prentis Hemphill

Prentis Hemphill knows the past few years have left everyone feeling off balance which is why What It Takes to Heal was written. It's a call-to-arms to remind us that our healing isn't optional if we want to move forward in the world.

You'll learn how to pay attention to how our body responds to certain things, including our own habits, and you'll figure out how to stop bearing the weight of emotional burdens. But instead of being in isolation, Hemphill encourages you to embrace being part of a community.

Sacred Self-Care: Daily Practices for Nurturing Our Whole Selves by Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barnes

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barnes is offering helpful insights for how to being nurturing ourselves in Sacred Self-Care. As a psychologist, pastor, and activist, she's seen how hard it is for people to maintain a self-care practice that helps them navigate life.

As such, she's developed a seven-week guide filled with practices and activities that hone in on our emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual health. With each passing day, you'll receive journal prompts and scriptures that will help set the tone for the day. It's like a devotional from a psychologist's perspective and that can be great if you rely on both therapy as well as religion to get through your days.

You Are Only Just Beginning: Lessons for the Journey Ahead by Morgan Harper Nichols

Morgan Harper Nichols hasn't shied away from sharing her story and encouraging words with others on Instagram which is why it makes sense she's written You Are Only Just Beginning: Lessons for the Journey Ahead. She wants to help us embrace adventurous moments while sharing reminders that hard moments are temporary.

Sometimes all we need is a little courage to keep going when things feel bleak.

The Book of Moods: How I Turned My Worst Emotions Into My Best Life by Lauren Martin

Have you ever felt burdened by mood swings? If so, I completely understand because I often question my own and so did author Lauren Martin. She hit a wall a few years ago even though it seemed like her life was perfect on the surface. No matter what she did, she couldn't shake feeling inferior of irritable. It wasn't only she crossed paths with another successful stranger who felt the same that Lauren begin to seek to understand her emotions.

The Book of Moods: How I Turned My Worse Emotions Into My Best Life is a recollection of Lauren's journey and how she learned to find peace. She talks about varying triggers everyone has faced and blends her own wisdom with science-backed evidence to help us make informed decisions.

Self-Care for Moms by Sara Robinson, MA

Moms are often praised for our ability to be self-sacrificing and resilient in the face of hardship, but I'd be lying if I said it felt like people seem to forget we're human. We do care a lot and have the warm nurturing nature everyone talks about, but we also have our limits lest we fall victim to burnout.

Self-Care for Moms offers over 100 activities designed to remind moms how to pour into ourselves daily. Whether it's a 5-minute phone call or hour lunch with a friend sans kids, it's time for us to reclaim the way we care for ourselves.

How We Heal: Uncover Your Power and Set Yourself Free by Alexandra Elle

Alexandra Elle has shared her moving anecdotes with the internet since Tumblr, eventually becoming a bestselling author who continues to remind us to come home to ourselves. In How We Heal, she aims to help us rediscover peace by focusing on healing.

Broken into four parts, you'll find everything from journal prompts to meditations that tackle our innermost emotions. She even shares bits of her personal experiences so you feel less alone.

Dare to Feel: The Transformational Path of the Heart by Alexandra Roxo

If you're on the other spectrum of emotions that includes burying them, Dare to Feel encourages you to do the opposite. Although you may feel repulsed by the idea of cracking your heart open, trust that it's metaphorical. This is an invitation to connect with yourself, life, and others past a superficial level. You'll come across poems, meditations, and more that help you fall in love with being in tune with your emotions in this moving book.

Girl On Fire: How to Choose Yourself, Burn the Rule Book, and Blaze Your Own Trail in Life and Business by Cara Alwill Leyba

What's self-care without a reminder that you are THAT GIRL? Instead of questioning your worth, Girl on Fire wants you to start remembering who you truly are.

From encouraging you to not see other women as competition to offering tips for how to navigate the vision you have in your heart, you'll learn how not to let life and business get you down.

You'll feel empowered by the end of Girl on Fire and that's the point!

In The Woods

This is first book in Tana's Dublin Murder Squad series — and it also happens to be her first book she ever published! The story takes place in the summer of 1984 in a small-town suburb of Dublin, Ireland. One night, three children don't come home from playing with their friends. The only thing the police find? A small boy terrified, covered in blood, and unable to remember any of the events that occurred that night.

20 years later, that same petrified boy is now a Dublin detective — Detective Rob — and trying desperately to forget his past (the parts he does remember). Rob is forced to address his past when a young girl is found the exact way he was 20 years ago. Now, he has no choice but to confront what happened...and potentially the killer.

The Likeness

In this Dublin Murder Squad sequel, we revisit Cassie Maddox from book 1, who is forced to go back to her old town because of a — you guessed it — murder. She has to go to a crime scene and help solve the case of a girl who was killed wearing an ID of Cassie's old alias. The story keeps getting stranger and stranger for Cassie as she doesn't know who this woman was, or who killed her.

Faithful Place

Book three in this series follows Frank Mackey, who in 1985 was planning on running away with his girlfriend...only for her to mysteriously never show up. Frank decided it was probably because she didn't want to be with him anymore. Taking her absence as an answer, he left — but little did he know that Rosie never went home either. Years later, her suitcase shows up at Frank's door, and he's forced to go home to discover what happened to her, once and for all.

Broken Harbour

In the fourth installment of this series, we meet Mick — a type A, rule-follower detective on the Dublin Murder Squad. However, when a new murder throws him for a loop, all bets are off. A family in a rich, new development gets murdered mysteriously, and the wife is the only surviving victim. While she's in intensive care, Mick has to figure out why there are dubious and strange factors in the house — like 12 baby monitors focused on holes in the walls, or files being wiped on the family's computer. It's a suspicious case, and what makes it harder is that it's in the neighborhood where Mick, himself, has history. Keep reading to see how this interesting mystery gets solved...or doesn't.

The Secret Place

The fifth book of the Dublin Murder series follows Stephen, a young detective wanting to have his shot at joining the Murder Squad. When Detective Frank Mackey's daughter, Holly, comes into the station with crucial evidence, Stephen realizes this is a crime that he just might be able to solve. Suddenly, Stephen, Frank, and Holly team up to figure out how his Holly's friend group might be up to no good.

The Trespasser

In French's most recent Dublin Murder Squad book, she tells us the story of Young Detective Antoinette, who isn't sure if she belongs in the murder squad. She's trying to make her way through cases, but feels out of place...that is, until a woman's body shows up, and it could be a potential lovers quarrel-gone-wrong!

Everyone's telling Antoinette that it was the boyfriend, but she can't help but think there's more to the story than meets the eye. The woman's friends say she was in danger, and there seems to be a lurking presence in the town that Antoinette can't get away from. Soon, she won't be able to tell the difference from the girl's killer or Antoinette's own stalker.

The Witch Elm

In this new standalone story by Tana French, Toby is out with his friends one night when he's viciously attacked by burglars. The injuries leave him needing care and seeking refuge in the home of his dying uncle, who needs care of his own. The two are able to help each other, until Toby finds a skull in the trunk of the elm tree out back. Detectives start to uncover pieces in this mystery, as Toby comes to terms with the fact that his past isn't what he thought it was...

The Searcher

This book has over 139,000 reviews on Goodreads, so you know it's actually a good read. This book the first of a murder mystery series about Cal Hooper, a retired former detective who buys a rustic house in a small, Irish village after his divorce. Cal thinks he's going to get a new life, to start over and find some peace. But when a young boy recruits him to help find his missing brother, Cal uncovers secrets to this town and it might not be as peaceful as he once thought. Will he get himself — and the young boy — into trouble? Or be able to save the day and his new town? Read to find out!

The Hunter

In part two of Tana's newest series, Cal has finally built a life for himself. He has a girlfriend, a home he's working on, and a young teenager, Trey, that he's trying to help. But when Trey's absent father comes back into the picture, wreaking havoc and mystery, Cal and his girlfriend are trying to do all they can to protect the young girl. However, Trey's dad brought in a millionaire with a mission to find gold in the town, making their efforts much more difficult. Will they be able to protect Trey from her father, or is it too late?

You'll be dying to find out how Tana's most recent novel ends! Don't believe me? Everyone from the Associated Press to The Washington Post has rave reviews for this sequel!