Deep breaths...I'm still learning how to communicate better in all of my relationships — personal and professional. It doesn't seem like that should require me to gather my bearings, but I'm not always the best at conveying how I feel. If I'm not overthinking about how someone else will respond, I'm reminding myself not to approach someone while I'm feeling defensive.
Are you in the same boat and need loving nudges in the right direction? Dr. Naomi Bernstein, Pys.D and cohost of the Oversharing podcast from Betches Media, has helpful strategies that'll encourage you to become more intentional about communicating. Her approach is all about helping people learn mindfulness techniques and says, "Many people think of mindfulness as sitting on meditation mat and listening to music — that’s the practice. Game time is when you deal with things in real life."
Here's what she's got to say about those of us who want to change our communication tunes.
Do people communicate differently post-pandemic?
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This is probably something you've experienced, or at least have been wondering about, especially if you're tuned into the everything going on with the loneliness epidemic right now. However, Dr. Bernstein says there's not as much of huge difference in our communication abilities post-pandemic as we think.
"It hasn’t gotten ‘worse.’ We’ve always done a lot of text communication. What the pandemic got people used to is virtual-based communication. You know, the immediate gratification that comes from sending a quick text — which is different from having a face-to-face or phone conversation," she says.
Plus, you can't always judge someone's tone when you're reading a text or responding to an email. Based on how we're already feeling, our assumptions can about someone's message can make us think the other person is being aggressive when they're not and vice versa.
What are some of people's biggest communication barriers?
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Think about the last time you were having a conversation that made you feel tense or stressed. Now, ask yourself if you already felt like that prior to communicating with someone based on your own preconceived notions.
Honestly, it's something a lot of us do for several reasons. Dr. Bernstein says, "The first thing people think is, 'The other person isn't going to like what I'll say' or we become afraid of [potential] negative reactions." The reason for this, she says, is that we may have learned to anticipate certain emotions based on how our parents responded to us (i.e. angry or sad reactions).
So, how do you learn not to let your fear get in the way of you learning how to communicate better? "Learn how to tolerate that negative emotion that comes up in other people. Literally, ride out the initial wave of discomfort and tell yourself, 'This is a feeling. It's temporary. I can ride through it,'" Dr. Bernstein coaches.
The core of her approach as a psychologist is to help her clients learn mindfulness techniques, so she also suggests learning how to breath and relax through whatever discomfort you may feel. And through that discomfort, Dr. Bernstein wants people to check in with themselves and other. "Most people know what they want to say. The hard part is checking in with how others feel. Allow people to come back with how they feel," says Dr. Bernstein.
Are there different communication styles?
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You've probably seen this circulating around social media, but the short answer is yes! Dr. Bernstein mentions two different communication styles specifically: people who veer towards an avoidant communication style versus those who lean towards seeking constant reassurance. She explains that a lot of this comes down to the levels of emotion you can handle.
"Those who are avoidant don't tolerate emotions well and prefer to either get through quickly, or not deal with them at all. The result can be passive aggressive behavior, sweeping things under the rug, or shutting down," she adds.
For those who seek constant reassurance, Dr. Bernstein surprisingly says that this is still a form of being uncomfortable with emotions. "People like this always want to talk about emotions and are very open to expressing them. However, they choose to seek reassurance rather than completely avoiding them," she says.
How does this manifest in conversations? It can look like piling your emotions onto another person, making them feel weighed down. "This can be exhausting to people," Dr. Bernstein adds.
What's not helpful when learning how to communicate better?
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The answer may seem obvious, but it doesn't hurt to have some more simple reminders like not ignoring something that's bothering you. In all honesty, it's literally the first thing Dr. Bernstein feels you shouldn't do. She says, "Don’t avoid having a [needed] conversation because it can turn into passive aggressive reactions."
Nonetheless, she also doesn't recommend that you dump everything you're feeling — and maybe have been feeling for some time now — onto someone all at once. "Sometimes we have a habit of bringing up other things in a conversation, especially if we're upset. We think, 'Well, since I have you here...'"
Admittedly, I've done this so many times, and I only started recognizing it once I realized how it was affecting my relationship with my S.O. Trust me — no one likes to feel like you're pointing out every last thing you think they're wrong.
How can someone learn how to communicate better in general?
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There's no reason to feel like you're the world's worst person if you're still learning how to communicate better. Plus, there's always strategies you begin putting into practice.
"Learn to breathe and pay attention to where emotion lives in your body. You can set a timer for 10 minutes and watch or feel where the emotion goes," Dr. Bernstein recommends. I learned this mindfulness practice from my own therapist, and it's been a major help when I feel myself getting overwhelmed.
It's easy to forget is that we're always connected to our bodies, even if we're not consciously thinking about how our actions and emotions physically affect us. Dr. Bernstein says, "The reason we clench our jaws or fists when we're upset about something is because our flight or fight mode is being activated. When we try to communicate while in this mode, we end up not thinking clearly in the moment because all our energy and resources are going towards it."
This explains why we come off aggressively or overly emotive. Simply put, "We're not always the kindest or most thoughtful people while in this mode," Dr. Bernstein admits.
How can friends learn how to communicate more effectively?
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This question felt especially pointed on my part because I'm all too familiar with what happens when friends aren't communicating or understanding each other properly — hello, friendship breakups. I liken this to the fact that most of us don't think twice about having certain conversations with our friends because we don't feel like — and don't want to feel like — we have to.
For example, setting boundaries can be tricky if your friend suddenly gets defensive about why you feel it's necessary to do so. "I always suggest trying warmth when someone gets defensive during a conversation. In fact, I teach my clients to use the RVS method — reflect, validate, and support," Dr. Bernstein comments.
She says this is how it'll look in practice:
- Reflect: During a conversation with someone, reflectback on what's being said. It can sound patronizing, but literally repeat back what you heard. When someone hears their words, it can take the steam off things.
- Validate: Say, "I can understand how you feel this way" because the feedback can be taken better.
- Support: Ask, "What can I do differently next time?" This opens the door for softening on the other person's part.
Additionally, you can do a little check-in with your friends. Dr. Bernstein notes that saying, 'Hey, I just want to make sure we’re on the same page or when this happened, I felt pressured,' can also be a big help.
How can couples learn how to communicate better?
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Though I've been in a 10 year relationship, I'd be extremely dishonest if I said we're always on the same page about things. Knowing that other couples butt heads about living habits, being new parents, finances, and more, I always wonder if there are ways to address things without ending in a screaming match or silent treatment.
It turns out that there are ways, according to Dr. Bernstein. She says, "Address things before they build up. Don't wait until 6 months after you've been annoyed that your partner leaves cabinets open to say, 'If leave one more cabinet, I'm gonna lose my mind.'"
I wish I would've asked this question in 2021 because my solution was very much so, 'If I ignore it, it won't bother me.' From one always-learning and ever-evolving individual to another, that's not a good idea at all. It can lead to feeling like you and partner are completely different teams with one goal: demolish the offending person's habits.
Instead of approaching things from that perspective, Dr. Bernstein suggests coming up with a specific mantra or affirmation for your relationship. "Yours can be something like, 'We're navigating or learning together,'" she suggests.
Additionally, it's always good to remind your partner how much you adore them. She suggests telling your partner, "I love being close to you. I love living with you. There's just a couple of things we can work on together so that we’re both comfortable."
Things also sound way more reasonable when our body language is calm and we're connecting with someone during an intimate activity like hiking or cooking. Personally, some of my S.O. and I's best conversations have occurred when we're in the kitchen while one of is cooking our meal for the night. In our eyes, this is part of doing the work that everyone talks about.
"But, what is the work? It's being able to tolerate your partner's emotions whether you're in an argument or see that they're stressed without trying to fix it," Dr. Bernstein responds. "Some people just want you to sit with them when they're upset."
Here's to maturing and learning how to communicate better! I know I've got some things to work on, and I'm excited for you to put these tips into practice, too!
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