My mom and I have a great relationship, but that doesn't mean I haven't had to learn how to communicate better with her. It's actually felt like pulling teeth at times because we're not always on the same page, not to mention how much I've had to unlearn how I think she's supposed to show up as a parent.
TBH, the thing that truly helped us start overcoming communication barriers is when I entered motherhood. Prior to that, I thought parents were supposed to know everything and have their lives fully figured out. I, like so many others, couldn't fathom the fact that parents aren't super heroes who are without flaws — that they don't have all the answers and may say or do things that are questionable. You know, just like us.
Still, that doesn't make navigating the parent-child relationship any easier, and that's something licensed marriage and family therapist Rachel Goldberg knows all too well. She founded Rachel Goldberg Therapy in Los Angeles, CA after years of being a personal trainer, and even held a practice in New York once she'd pivoted to practicing psychotherapy. Her many years of experience is why she's able to share tips about how you can learn how to communicate better with your own parents.
What's the biggest misconception society has about the relationship between parents and children?
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I think everyone grew up believing our parents could do no wrong until the first time we had a disagreement with them about something. Rachel says, "One of the biggest myths about parent-child relationships is that the parent always knows what's best for their children. Although this is often true, especially when children are much younger and their parent is privy to everything that goes on minute by minute in a child’s life, for older children, a parent would have to be self-aware and culturally sensitive to changing trends."
We all know a few people in our families who have tethered themselves to how things used to be, which makes having certain discussions difficult. They can even be triggering if we feel the other people we're talking to aren't being open to different perspectives.
"Parents who are rigid in their thinking and/or lack self-awareness often do not know what's best for their children and have more black-and-white thinking about what is best for children in general without much flexibility," says Rachel.
What creates communication barriers between parents and children?
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"The biggest communication barriers with parents are usually due to generational gaps, especially given the significant changes over the last 10 to 20 years. Younger children today are generally more open, which contrasts with the more secretive and closed-off lifestyles of previous generations that didn’t place as much emphasis on self-awareness and mental health," Rachel admits.
As a child who has parents who were born in the '60s while I was born in the early '90s, this couldn't be more true. Though my parents are certainly more open than my grandparents in certain areas, there are still things we don't always agree about. I've had to learn not to take certain things personally, especially as someone who wears her heart on her sleeves. That's something else Rachel says can cause a disconnect.
"...emotional reactivity, where either the parent or child can elicit heightened emotions from the other given their deep interpersonal and intimate history. It's common to hear someone say, 'The only person who can get me this worked up is my parent or my child,'" she says.
Even still, there's also the classic inability to see both sides of the picture. Rachel says, "...a lack of willingness to try to understand the other person's perspective is grounds for communication breakdown. Finally, unrealistic expectations play a role, as parents and children often compare themselves to others without understanding their true circumstances. This can lead to misguided actions and beliefs about how things ‘should’ look within a family system."
How can parents with teens learn how to communicate better with them?
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It can be difficult for teens when they feel like their parents don't understand them, but it can be equally hard when parents feel they can't connect with their children. This was actually one of the things I disliked the most when I was in high school. But, Rachel says there are things parents can do to learn how to communicate better with the teens in their household.
"For parents with teens, some tips to improve communication include actively listening and holding judgment until fully understanding the other perspective and even taking time to process it. It's also important for parents to pick their battles; some issues are more significant than others," she advises.
It doesn't take much for teens to feel like they're being judged and don't have a safe place to have certain discussions. What makes this so sad is that I genuinely believe teens naturally want to open up to their parents, but eventually feel like they're unable to if they're running into communication barriers.
Rachel says, "Avoiding unnecessary conflicts over minor issues is important to maintain trust for when more pressing issues arise. Also, providing age-appropriate privacy and independence is key, and many communication breakdowns stem from a teen feeling over-controlled and lacking autonomy."
This is something that some parents are 100% against. Unfortunately I've heard several people in my family or churches I used to frequent say things like, "My child doesn't deserve privacy in my household," and it makes me cringe every time because I know all it does is either create a sneaky teen or an adult who doesn't open up about certain things...I may be talking about myself here. However, Rachel says it doesn't stop there.
"Parents should model respectful communication by avoiding emotional reactivity, practicing active listening, and doing their best to understand and validate their teen's perspective before expressing dissent."
What are ways adults can learn to communicate better with their parents?
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So, what happens when you become an adult and notice that you still have to learn how to communicate better with your parents? As my therapist once told me, the ball is in your court. This is the time where we have to be accountable for ways we might contribute to communication barriers or lack of healthy boundaries.
"Adults can improve communication with their parents by regularly keeping in touch, which can prevent feelings of abandonment or lack of care after leaving home. Setting appropriate boundaries is also important, and if certain topics are off-limits, this should be communicated and respected," says Rachel. "Finding things in common can help maintain smooth interactions, so there is a balance to things that may turn into disagreements. Both sides should aim to acknowledge past issues and be open to understanding both perspectives and limitations."
Though it's easy to point fingers and accuse your parents of something you felt they didn't do, this can feel akin to throwing salt on old wounds that haven't fully healed. It's something Rachel wholeheartedly agrees with. She says, "...an adult showing appreciation for what parents did well, rather than focusing solely on shortcomings, can go a long way to help keep communication between them.
Are there moments where parents and children need to step back to reflect on their communication styles?
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Though it's possible you and your parents haven't always had the tools to learn how to communicate better with each other, you're still capable of accessing them to improve your relationship.
"It's important for both parents and children to reflect on their communication patterns every so often because as children mature, the relationship will inevitably change. It might also change after an adult has kids themselves," hints Rachel.
That's something I've noticed continues to change the more I navigate being my son's mother. The level of patience I have with my mom now compared to when I didn't have a child is truly a testament to what Rachel has been mentioning. However, it's therapy that's taught me the importance of setting healthy boundaries.
She says, "Periodically reassessing boundaries and communication styles can help prevent the need for major repair after the fact. This can be done by reflecting on past conversations and identifying what went well and what didn't, which can help both parties understand what could be improved for future interactions."
In the age of people deciding to cut off communication with their parents, when do you feel this is actually healthy or beneficial?
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It wouldn't be responsible for me to assume that everyone has a healthy — or even salvageable — relationship with their parents, nor can I define what that actually means to you. If you feel like you need to cut off your parents and aren't sure where to start, Rachel has a few pointers.
"Cutting off communication with parents can be beneficial when the relationship is persistently toxic or abusive, and efforts to set boundaries have failed. For example, if a parent consistently engages in emotionally manipulative or harmful behavior (i.e. constant berating or presenting intoxicated), maintaining contact can take a toll on one's mental health, interfering with their daily functioning."
You might find that some people will discourage you if you've made that decision, but only you can determine what's needed in order for you to live a life that's free from the throes of parental abuse. "Ultimately, distancing oneself may be essential for creating a safer, more positive environment and can always be reassessed after some time," Rachel says.
There's no secret antidote to learning how to communicate better with your parents, or anyone for that matter. Therapy, revisiting painful moments, and setting boundaries are just a few things you'll have to do, but they can be done. This adult daughter who happens to be be a mom knows a lot about that — and with these tips in mind, you can too.
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Lead image via Pexels/Anastasia Shuraeva
