Relationships may come and go, but how we handle it is everything. And I'm not just talking about romance, either. Whether we see ourselves as an Extravert or an Introvert, we all live in a web of relationships: families, friendships, acquaintances, co-workers, romantic attachments. When these relationships run their course, we might be tempted to ghost someone, cutting off contact without warning...especially if we don’t know how to end things in a way that works best for them. But if we can bring the relationship to a close in a more civilized way — a way that's better for both parties – then you may be able to walk away feeling unscathed. This really helps if you have friends in common, or if there is any chance of bumping into them again in the future. And the key to doing so successfully lies in your personality – and theirs.
Personality type, as described by the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® (MBTI®) framework, looks at four aspects of personality:
- Extraversion or Introversion, whether you tend to focus on and gain energy from the outer world or your inner world.
- Sensing or Intuition, whether you prefer to trust factual information and the evidence of your five senses, or instead focus on connections, possibilities, and the big picture.
- Thinking or Feeling, whether you prefer to make decisions on the basis of objective logic or on the basis of your values and how people will be affected.
- Judging or Perceiving, whether you prefer to live in a more planned and structured or more spontaneous way.
ESTJ and ISTJ
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People with ESTJ and ISTJ personality types tend to communicate in a direct way, stating the facts behind their decision and the practical reasons for the breakup. They may listen to a logical argument for why the breakup shouldn't end, but it’s likely that their mind is made up.
To break up with them:
- Provide logical reasons for the breakup, backed up by facts.
- Be clear and concise.
- Give them the opportunity to ask questions, seek clarification, and argue logical points.
- Make it clear that you're happy with a clean break if they are.
- Don’t be overly emotional.
ESFJ and ISFJ
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Unless you have some something to really, deeply, offend them, and ESFJ or ISFJ will try to make the breakup as gentle as possible. They'll have an awareness of the emotional impact on the other person, but nevertheless will be looking for a clearly marked end to the relationship.
To break up with them:
- Express your feelings and emotions, emphasizing the emotional aspect of the decision.
- Be truthful and honest. Use empathetic language to show that this was a difficult decision for you as well – but only if you really mean this, so be genuine.
- Draw on the experiences that you've had together – both good and bad – when discussing your reasons for the breakup.
- Show them that you're listening to what they say. Be prepared to provide emotional support as they may need it.
- Don’t gloss over or exclude important facts.
ENTJ and INTJ
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ENTJ and INTJ personality types are more likely to have developed a convincing (at least to them) logical argument for the breakup. They'll look to make the breakup happen and then move on as soon as possible.
To break up with them:
- Present a clear, logical and convincing argument for the breakup; deliver this in a confident manner.
- Have evidence to back up what you're saying.
- Be prepared to discuss the reasons for the breakup in a logical manner. You may want to think through beforehand what questions they might ask and how you would answer them.
- Once convinced, they'll likely just want to get things over with, so do not be offended by this.
- Don’t be overly emotional and don’t dwell too much on detail.
ENFJ and INFJ
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Breaking up may be difficult for ENFJs and INFJs, and they'll try to make the breakup as gentle as possible. They'll also, however, be looking for a clearly marked end to the relationship.
To break up with them:
- Talk about the big picture, where the relationship is or isn’t going, and why you feel it's run its course.
- Express your feelings and emotions energetically and passionately, showing how this is difficult for you too.
- Be truthful, honest and authentic in what you say.
- Be prepared to provide emotional support as they may need it.
- Don’t get too bogged down in detail.
ESTP and ISTP
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ESTPs and ISTPs may already have decided that the breakup is happening, and there is a danger that they may neglect to tell the other party about this for some time...or ever. When they do communicate, they may be fairly blunt and to the point, emphasizing current facts and immediate realities.
To break up with them:
- Be direct, clear and concise; don’t engage in long and detailed explanations in an effort to spare their feelings.
- Provide logical reasons for the breakup, focusing on current and recent events in a factual way.
- Allow them the opportunity to ask questions and seek clarification.
- If you can, and if it's reasonable to do so, agree that they can come back to you with further facts and arguments when they are ready.
- Don’t be overly emotional.
ESFP and ISFP
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An ESFP or ISFP will focus on how they and the other person will feel, and they may take some time to make it clear that they're talking about ending the relationship.
To break up with them:
- Be open and honest, even if this means that you are expressing difficult emotions.
- Don’t be impersonal. Use personal language, talk about you and them, not about other people.
- Draw on recent and current experiences.
- Let them talk and show that you are listening.
- Don’t be impersonal, dry, or overly logical.
ENTP and INTP
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ENTPs and INTPs may already have decided, in their own minds, to break up, and then neglect to tell the other party about this decision. When they do communicate, they may attempt to avoid engaging emotionally, by using humor or logical argument.
To break up with them:
- Present a logical and convincing argument for the breakup, in a confident manner.
- Have logical reasons for what you are saying.
- Be prepared to discuss the reasons for the breakup in a dispassionate manner. You may want to think through beforehand what questions they might ask and how you would answer them.
- If you can, and if it is reasonable to do so, agree that they can come back to you with further facts and arguments when they are ready.
- Don’t be overly emotional and don’t dwell too much on detail.
ENFP and INFP
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An ENFP or INFP is likely to talk about where the relationship is, or is not, heading in the future, where it falls short of meeting their ideals or values, and what ultimately feels right.
To break up with them:
- Talk about where things are heading, how the relationship makes you feel, and ask them to open up to you about this.
- Be truthful and honest. If you genuinely feel that there is something wrong in the relationship, or if your values are being compromised, be prepared to discuss this. But don’t try to fake this.
- Express your feelings and emotions energetically and passionately.
- If you can, and if it is reasonable to do so, agree that they can come back to you and talk things through some more when they are ready.
- Don’t get bogged down in detail, or in recounting individual incidents.
When communicating the end of a relationship, it's important to approach each person with respect, empathy, and sensitivity. And to do this, it’s useful to try on their shoes. Knowing about personality type is a great way to do this.
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