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What is the 4B Movement?

According to The Washington Post, this is a "radical Korean feminist movement that swears off men to reclaim a sense of agency." It sounds similar to abstinence, but the trickle down effects are vastly different. Abstinence is taking a step back from anything that usually taps into your pleasure center — and that doesn't always mean sex. However, the 4B Movement is specifically rooted in 'de-centering men' completely.

CBSstates that researchers Jieun Lee and Euisol Jeong wrote a paper for Yonsei University about the movement, and deciphered that the "B" has four meanings:

1. biyeonae — "refusal of dating men"
2. bisekseu — "sexual relationships with men"
3. bihon — "heterosexual marriage"
4. bichulsan — "childbirth"

How did the 4B movement start?

In 2016, Hankyoreh reported that a man in his 30's chose to stab an unknown young woman in Seoul, Korea. When asked why he committed the crime, he gave this answer: "I did it because women have always ignored me." In response to the random attack, Hong Seong-su, a law professor at Sookmyung Women’s University, share a chilling message that the outlet recounted in the article. "The fact that [Kim] chose ‘some woman’ [as opposed to ‘some person’] as the target for his crime suggests it is not going too far to view this as a crime of hate against women."

This radical moment was an inception point for the movement overall, started in opposition to this gender-based violence, as well as gender-based discrimination as a whole. The Korean Herald noted that factors like pay inequality and a Donald Trump-like president of their own (Yoon Suk-yeol) were driving forces in 4B. Since his election in 2022, Yoon Suk-yeol has "promised to abolish the Ministry of Gender Equality and Family, which has been popular with his anti-feminist base," (via Korean Herald). Between all this and the global sensation of #MeToo, the 4B Movement gained major momentum throughout the last eight years.

The 4B Movement's Lasting Impact In South Korea

According to The Korean Herald, over 150 elementary schools aren't seeing first-graders walk through their doors and it has everything to do with the falling birth rate in South Korea. CNN reports that officials are so concerned, they're willing to do something to combat it. President Yoon Suk Yeol said, "We will mobilize all of the nation’s capabilities to overcome the low birth rate, which can be considered a national emergency."

But, this isn't the first time the birth rate has been addressed. Another CNN article reported that South Korea dished out $200 billion to "boost the population over the past 16 years." Still, things haven't worked in the government's favor. It's evident less women are having children and it seems to directly stem from women upholding the ideology they're not allowing their bodies to be used for motherhood anymore.

American Women's Response To The 4B Movement

After the shocking results of the 2024 presidential election, many women began to rethink how they relate to the men in their lives, finding South Korea's 4B Movement in the process. Based on the current rhetoric about women who don't have children and the restrictive anti-abortion laws with hardly any policies in place to reduce the maternal mortality rate, it's understandable why some women are fearful or fed up — and why many women are now finding parallels to what sparked 4B in the first place.

When you see people like Nicholas J. Fuentes tweeting things like "Your body, my choice. Forever," on the same day Trump won a second term as president, it can leave a sickening taste in one's mouth. One user's response to this was, "Funny how the loudest champions of 'freedom' are often the first to undermine it for everyone else."

Alongside this are men's social movements that are clearly intertwined with the current political climate, too. While obviously not all men believe in these ideologies, there's been a stark rise in their prevalence.

In 2020, ADL reported about the mindset of "Incels" and discovered that they feel emboldened by the 'manosphere.' So, what do they tend to believe? According to outlet, there's a belief "that the current sexual 'marketplace' gives women too much freedom to choose their own partners." Not only that, but the outlet says Incels tend to think women choose to ignore men unless they look a certain way or have a certain status, "leaving the remaining 80 percent of men (including incels) without a potential partner."

Nicole Prause, a UCLA Statistician and Academic, is well-versed in abstinence movements, and what they ultimately indicate based on statistics. "There are a number of similar men's movements already, especially Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW)," she says. According to her, MGTOW don't pursue marriage or relationships with women, but "seek sex when it is on their 'terms.'" She says, "They're often viewing it as a battle pitting sexes against one another. These movements tend to be separatist, often evolving into misogyny and violent speech, such as glorifying sexual coercion and rape."

As a result of these growing men's movements and the incoming 47th President of the United States — a convicted felon with multiple allegations of sexual assault — there have been growing calls from women on social media to consider the 4B Movement for themselves. X user @jungsooyawning wrote, "american women it's time to learn from the koreans and adopt the 4b movement as a matter of fact women from all over the world should adopt the 4b movement i'm so serious," on the platform.

Freelance writer Daria Yasmiene also wrote about about why she's taking part in the movement for POPSUGAR. She said, "As a Black woman who has lived through three back-to-back elections with Trump as a focal point, I'm so far beyond tired that I need a lifestyle change." Ultimately, she wants to continue having the freedom to choose to live her life in a way that's not solely governed by men.

"With the little autonomy that I have left, I would rather be alone and safe from the consequences of male influence in my life than lie next to someone who doesn't see me as an equal. We deserve so much more than that."

Meanwhile, Sex and Relationships Coach, Leah Carey says that 4B "makes sense as a response to realizing that a majority of men valued the economy over a woman's right to self-determination." Depending on where you stand, she also says that it can be "seen as 'punishment' for men" or "as a choice of self-determination and self-protection for women." Somatic Trauma Therapist, Blessing Uchendu shares Carey's sentiments in that the movement is "a response to patriarchy and the centering of men and conversely the objectification of women, with the expectation that they fulfill roles as wives and mothers."

Potential Benefits Of The 4B Movement

So with all that in mind, is a movement like 4B beneficial? And is it even sustainable? I'm not going to tell you that you should or shouldn't join the 4B Movement because it's a personal decision. It's always wise to examine where you are in life instead of relying on social media, news outlets, or even the government to determine what you're going to believe. Still, there may be some benefits to the 4B Movement that outweigh any potential fallouts.

Carey says that "not being refused care for reproductive matters" is a potential benefit of 4B, while also highlighting that "the mental health benefits can also be huge for people who deal with anxiety, depression, or anything else that might cause emotional hardship in the current climate."

This could also lead to women identifying and honoring their true desires instead of following society's scripts about who they should be. Somatic Trauma Therapist, Blessing Uchendu believes that 4B is about women de-centering men and re-centering themselves — about "being the 'stars of their own stories,' rather than supporting characters in a malde-dominated narrative." Uchendu says. "It can be incredibly empowering to step away from systems that have felt compulsory in order to reflect on whether you are making decisions centered on yourself and your desires or whether these decisions are centered on the expectations of the society around you."

The most important thing Carey wants to note is that women aren't unable to find love and joy ever again by participating in the 4B movement. "Just because a woman chooses not to date, have sex, get married, or have kids with a man doesn't mean she can't do those things: with other women. it's more and more common for adult women to explore their same-sex attractions after divorce or widowhood," she notes. "With a generation of young women growing up with the understanding that heterosexuality is not the only option, we may see a wave of younger women also exploring in this arena (in addition to all the younger women who already know themselves to be queer)."

I would also say that you can always go back to dating and engaging with men whenever you want — this movement doesn't have to be a permanent choice if you don't want it to be. The whole point is to take charge and embrace your own sense of agency.

Yet, Prause does pause to mention the downside to "separatist movements." She explains that without support from men, women could struggle financially given pay disparities and other gender-based work inequities. Still, she says this doesn't really affect much if women have been figuring things out for themselves with little help from men.

Ultimately Uchendu says women having the freedom to exist without the weight of society's patriarchal standards on their shoulders is the "ultimate freedom." She says, "In the words of Audre Lorde 'If I did not define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and be eaten alive."

No woman should have to live in fear of having violence committed against her, but history continues repeating itself in terms of how society treats our bodies. "When a woman's right to make choices about her own body and health care are removed, she may decide to not put herself in a position where pregnancy can become an option," Carey says.

Prause chimes in with, "On average, women are more likely to experience mental health declines with marriage to a man (the opposite is true for men). While men also can experience domestic violence and sexual assault, the risks are exceptionally higher for women." Not only that, but she also points out that "women risk unwanted pregnancy, from which they now have fewer healthcare rights to address" and "are at much higher risk for sexually transmitted infections, even from their regular romantic partner."

As if that weren't a slap in the fact, Prause mentions that "childcare continues to fall disproportionately on women and does cause less income for women over time."

What makes landing a dream job so exciting?

The moment you go from thinking about your dream job to actually landing it feels euphoric. You feel a mixture of "I FINALLY did it" and "I can't wait to get started" because you've wanted it for so long. Carroll offers a better explanation though.

"A dream job is often one that marries our strengths, values, and interests — so it feels meaningful and purposeful as well as presenting opportunities to grow and develop in ways that feel exciting," she says.

This doesn't mean all dream jobs are created equal. Carroll says, "Everyone’s definition of a dream job is a little different, but the idea of showing up every day to do work that feels personally impactful, challenging and fulfilling is really motivating for many of us."

What are some harmful ways people approach daily tasks within their dream role?

I'm ambitious which isn't bad, but I've been known to be so laser-focused that I forget to take care of my basic needs. It's my way of trying to convince myself that I have to accomplish 2-3 things on my to-do list before giving something else my attention.

"It’s natural to want to succeed in a dream role, but there can be a number of pitfalls to watch out for as you try to prove yourself in the role and work at a demanding pace. It’s just as important to manage your energy and your workload as it is to manage your time," Carroll reminds.

Here's some of the harmful things she says you can do without realizing:

• Piling too much on your plate each day without a coherent plan to focus and prioritize on priorities
• Always saying yes to additional workload or meetings without assessing your other commitments
• Working too many hours, especially without breaks or adequate downtime to recharge, or feeling a need to be “on” 24-7
• Placing your work to-do list ahead of your self care, sleep or other needs
• Not communicating clearly about expectations, demands, feedback and needs with managers and co-workers

How can people recognize when they're overexerting themselves at work?

I'm beginning to think a lot of us are more introspective than we let on, but we may need help figuring out how to redirect ourselves. Carroll says, "Most clients I have worked with know on some level that they’re overdoing it. They feel the stress, and they may know that they need help in coping with it in healthier ways. But they often haven’t figured out how to unwind the situation that’s been created."

She suggests practicing self-reflection, priority and boundary setting, and often, self compassion and grace for yourself. I probably sound like a broken record, but I wholeheartedly believe we could be kinder to ourselves. Sometimes we place so much expectations on ourselves based on what society, family, or even our friends think.

Carroll says, "Burnout isn’t always a situation of overexertion, however. Sometimes it’s a mismatch between the role and our values, ethics or needs, or toxic workplace situations that can feed burnout as well. And in those cases, you might not recognize it at first."

Unfortunately, toxic workplaces are far more common than any of us like and can add to the stress we place on ourselves to perform our duties well. This can cause us to lose sight of what's truly important to us at our core. Carroll says, "It’s important to identify your core stressors so that you can address those. Burnout is not always about being busy."

What are signs someone is experience burnout?

Knowing that doesn't mean you're still able to understand if you're experiencing burnout or not though. "Burnout can look many ways — you might find yourself feeling stressed more often or less able to deal with your stressors," Carroll says. "There may be tiredness leading to exhaustion, brain fog, not thinking clearly, or a feeling of running on fumes."

That's always my first sign that I'm feeling burned out. I prioritize sleep because it helps me function the way I'm supposed to, but being sleepy is different from feeling tired on a soul level. There have been times where my alarm has gone off in the morning before work and it feels like I have to drag myself out of bed.

Another indicator that could be experiencing burnout is by losing enthusiasm at your dream job. "You might also be losing interest in the work, feeling like you can’t keep up or that the effort is futile. Often I hear 'I just don’t feel like myself. I’m not usually like this,'" Carroll says.

What happens when burnout completely overwhelms someone even if they love their job?

This is the part that makes working at your dream job so difficult IMO. I've talked to people who love what they do, but can't find the motivation to keep performing at the high level everyone expects them to.

"Being in full burnout is a physical and mental crisis point. You may feel depressed, lost, numb, exhausted. Your physical and mental health suffers, as well as your joy and often this has an impact on your wider relationships," Carroll indicates.

There's nothing worse than snapping at the people you love because you're stressed and don't know how to communicate that it's because of your dream job. It can take a lot to admit things are tough because you may not want to feel like you're complaining about something you've always wanted.

How can someone have a healthy relationship with work while prioritizing their mental health?

Burnout is real, it doesn't have to be a permanent thing. One of The Sims 4 characters I was playing developed the 'workaholic' trait and it got to the point where even she came home with the burnout moodlet.

She only had 24 hours to change it before it started affecting the quality of her work so I had to find ways to help her relax. The only thing that truly helped was taking PTO and allowing her to unwind at a spa, spend time with her loved ones, and indulge in hobbies that had nothing to do with work. Eventually, I helped her get rid of the workaholic trait because it was causing more harm than good.

Though that's a simulation game, I can imagine this happens to people. We have to decide we're willing to change how we approach our dream jobs so we're able to still function in our daily lives.

Carroll says, "Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries — with ourselves and with others — is a key point. Even when it’s your dream job, even when it’s demanding, your work is still one part of the larger picture of your life. Start with what is firmly in your control and make changes there first — there may be workplace changes to consider, but that comes second."

She says this can look like:

• Placing limits on working after hours
• Setting technology boundaries
• Being transparent about workload and priorities
• Learning to say no
• Reorganizing or blocking out parts of your schedule and potentially initiating new conversations with your leaders and colleagues where needed

What emotions might someone feel if they realize their dream job isn't what they expected?

It's disappointing when certain things we thought we wanted aren't what we need or even like. It doesn't matter whether we're learning how to get over a crush or feel like our dream job has become a nightmare.

"When our dream job turns out to be less a dream than expected, it’s natural to feel disappointed, sad, disillusioned or even grief. Depending on the situation, there may be resentment and anger as well if the job was misrepresented, or self doubt and questioning yourself and your decisions," Carroll says.

It doesn't always feel good, but letting yourself feel whatever emotion or thought comes up will help you get through the breakdown of having a dream job that's not what you expected it to be. Carroll says, "It’s important that you allow yourself time and space to understand what you’re feeling and to process that before deciding what to do next. There may be ways to job craft a more fulfilling experience, or you might decide to look at alternatives."

How can someone pivot towards something different if they want to leave their dream job?

Thinking about stepping away from your dream job in favor of telling burnout to take a hike? This is a judgement-free zone so just know you're able to do that if it makes sense to pivot in a different direction. However, Carroll does advise you to be mindful before making a potentially life-changing decision.

"The first step I always advise clients who want to step away from their role — dream job or not — is to assess the situation from a bigger picture before acting," she says.

• Take the time to understand what you’ve appreciated most about the role, what you didn’t and what you’re complete with/longing for at this stage of your career. Take stock of what’s most important to you and what is fueling your desire for change.
• Assess your strengths, skillsets, interests, and career values. A career coach can be a valuable ally to understand how you might you lean into these more as you decide where to pivot.
• Activate your future by exploring new career roles that build on the foundation you have, but stretch you in the ways you desire and meet your larger life goals. Then do your homework. Go out and explore potential roles through research, networking, job shadowing and interviewing. Testing out your ideas helps you move forward with clarity and confidence before investing in a job search or retraining.

1. We thought our first love was perfect and would argue with anyone who wanted us to take things slow with them.

I'll never forget the first time I fell in love at 19. I thought my ex was the "wind beneath my wings" because he had a great sense of humor and was creative like me. I told myself he was the person I was going to marry so I was offended when my parents didn't think he was mature enough to be in a serious relationship. If this sounds familiar, pull up a chair because Menon explains why we tend to idealize our first love.

"Your first love is your first experience with romantic love too, hence you typically see it with rose-colored glasses. The overwhelming emotion is often infatuation, which tends to overshadow the more critical and analytical part of our brain," she says. Sadly, this sounds like something my parents told me before but I couldn't fathom how true it was as a teen.

As the Clinical Director at Southern California Sunrise Recovery Center, Cavins has seen this play out before too. He says, "In your first relationship, there is a tendency to put your partner on a pedestal. The excitement of new love can create a powerful emotional fog that makes it hard to see flaws clearly."

Essentially, this "excitement of having a boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner supersedes" our ability to questions things we normally wouldn't put up with, according to Menon.

2. We tried to ignore the how many times our first loves disagreed with our values or goals.

While some couples are able to make their relationship work despite having a different outlook on life, sometimes it can be a sign that things aren't going to work long-term. Cavins says, "One major red flag is disregarding differences in values or goals for the future. For instance, you wish to become a parent someday while your spouse swears this will never happen— or vice versa. Early on, you might dismiss these differences, believing love will conquer all. However, these mismatched priorities can lead to resentment and challenges over time."

Honestly, I probably should've ran whenever my ex would mock my belief in God only for us to have to attend his mother and stepfather's church whenever I visited. There was so much confusion there, but I tried to dismiss it as something he needed time to work out.

Menon adds, "If this relationship makes you feel like you'e standing in quick sand - where you are trying to move forward but often feel held back in your individual aspirations, it may not be the right fit for you."

3. We thought it was 'cute' when our first loves made suggestions about which friends to avoid or what clothes to wear.

Cavins says, "Excessively possessive behaviors are another red flag that people often ignore easily when they fall in love for the first time. People tend to justify such behaviors by citing that it's due to love or protective instincts." I'm all for being in a relationship where your partner's able to see different sides of a picture, but controlling behavior shouldn't come with that. What might that look like?

Cavins says, "Your partner may frequently check in on you, offer opinions on who you should spend time with, or subtly pressure you into making choices that suit them." For example, your partner could start off making suggestions about your style that slowly morph into them controlling everything you wear. Somehow I went from being a self-professed 'girly-girl' to trying to emulate the style of 'sneakerheads' in a short amount of time. Though I love wearing everything from New Balance to Niké sneakers now, it's in a way that feels cohesive with my style.

You may have brushed this kind of behavior off because, again, you thought it meant your first love wanted the best for you. "It is understandable that such behavior hypothetically may come off as pleasant or affirming; however, they often signal an unhealthy dynamic of control rather than mutual respect," says

4. We always gave in when our first loves forced us to be affectionate.

*Sigh* I'm shaking my head for my younger self because there were many times I didn't advocate for myself in my first romantic relationship. I'd often give in to affectionate or intimate moments despite wanting personal space so I wouldn't be seen as 'boring' or uninterested in my ex. Menon says, "Given the infatuation, your first relationship can feel all-consuming and often is codependent. Hence, this may result in you overlooking that your partner does not respect your boundaries or desire for personal space."

Partly because the excitement of the relationship makes you want to spend all of your time together, until you don't. And then, it is often too late to correct a maladaptive historical pattern.

4. We always made excuses for why our partners would shower us with affection only to ignore us days later.

Let's be clear, 'love bombing' feels confusing and awful. No one should make you feel like you're the center of their universe only to ignore your calls or texts days later. But, this probably happened while you were with your first love. Cavins says, "There's a tendency for people to brush off their first love's emotional unavailability. When, for example, a partner is not responsive and not engaging in intimate discussions or does not express their feelings, some may rationalize this as them being 'just not ready.'" If that were the case, this person wouldn't have made you feel like being with you is something they truly wanted.

Of that, Cavins believes "it's important to recognize these behaviors early" because "they can result in a one-side emotional investment that leaves one party feeling unfulfilled in the long run." Sadly, my first love would have days where he was super sweet to me only to feel like I was smothering him with attention. This is also the same person who begged me to remain in our romantic relationship when he went to basic training although I felt it would be better if we chose to be friends. Imagine my surprise (and hurt) when he told me we should have an open relationship months after getting stationed for the first time.

I should've known better because he was never 100% on board with the idea of marriage until after he graduated from basic training. Cavins calls this "emotional disconnectedness." His further explanation is this is "when the initial chemistry between the partners subsides that emotional attachment matters." To avoid this, he feels "identifying and addressing any of these is critical in a case where you are looking to create a strong and healthy bond."

5. We ignored the ways our former partner blamed us whenever they got in trouble with their parents or an authority figure.

Did your first love have a hard time taking responsibility for things that went wrong by gaslighting you to absorb the blow of their mistakes? If you've furiously nodding, we should start a support group. Cavins says, "A key sign is a lack of personal or relational growth. Healthy relationships encourage mutual development, but if one partner stays stuck in old patterns while the other grows, it can create frustration and distance."

At no point should you be the reason why your first love got in trouble after answering their parents' house phone late at night after telling you to call at a certain time. It's situations like this that should've alerted us to awful behavior, but I can see how easy it is to dismiss things.

What if I'm in love for the first time and recognize these signs?

First, my heart goes out to you for being in a relationship that doesn't feel healthy. It hurts when we realize the person we thought was so great is anything but. The road to letting go of idealization may be long, but you can and will get better. Cavins says, "In the process of self-healing and recovery, the first step that must be taken is self-reflection. Ask yourself all of the necessary questions that arise, such as what this relationship means for you, what your boundaries are, and what this partnership has revealed about you as an individual."

I keep saying this, but relying on journal prompts can help you unpack a lot of things and, thankfully, Cavins agrees. He says, "You could always opt to talk to a specialist or being journaling in order to find some closure and draw meaning from the experience." Also, he wants you to start "making new memories." But, don't be passive about it.

"You will have to engage yourself in activities that will help redirect the focus of your thoughts. This could include joining a new class, engaging in a hobby, or traveling that involves some independence. These experiences can help shift your mindset from loss to growth and reinforce your identity outside of the relationship," says Cavins.

Another important thing you can do is "solicit help from others," according to him. "Calling on people you trust, like friends and family, to talk about these feelings can significantly help in healing," he says. This also helped me navigate life outside of my first real romantic relationship, reminding me that I still had a lot of love in my life that didn't begin or end with my ex.

Here are Menon's tips:

• Let yourself grieve — Let this loss run its course. If you need to feel angry, sad, distraught, nostalgic. Allow yourself the full breadth of this experience. If I ask you right now "don't think a out a yellow monkey", I can bet you just thought of a yellow monkey. We call this "the imp of the mind". When you reject feelings, or thoughts, they come back 10 times more fiercely. To move the feeling along, we must let ourselves experience it.
• Rediscover your identity (So important) — Your first love is often intertwined with self-discovery, and identity formation. Reconsider your goals, interests, values, friendships and hobbies and try to build your own sense of identity and individuality.

I saw my first love again and it feels like we're falling in love all over. Can we have a happy and healthy relationship?

I'm not going to tell you to run even though I told my ex I never wanted to speak or talk to him again. You could easily reconnect with the first person you fell in love with and realize that you're both in a place where you can have something beautiful. However, Cavins and Menon want you to be mindful if you're in this position.

"Reconnection is possible," begins Menon, "if both parties can objectively claim that they have grown emotionally and resolved the issues that held their relationship back." But, "if the reconnection is built on one person growing and the other not, it is likely to fail," she alerts. You'll need to "proceed with caution," she says because "your first love was a nostalgic era in your life that can cloud your judgement." To put it more clearly, she doesn't want you confuse "the fuzzies" with a "true knowing that the two of you can make it work."

Cavins says, "Reconnecting with a first love can trigger a strong wave of emotions, but it is important that such a decision is made with caution and a strong sense of pragmatism. Personal growth is a primary factor. Each party in the relationship must ask themselves how they have grown and evolved as individuals over time. If past patterns of conflict, immaturity, or unhealthy dynamics remain unaddressed, the same issues could resurface."

He wants you to consider these things:

• Are there any active relationships or past engagements that would make it rather difficult? That's because the feelings that come with reigniting old flames are very strong and can alter a person’s life, making it essential to start thinking from all angles before going ahead with it.
• Address previous challenges that caused the breakup in the first place. If the reasons behind the breakup have been resolved or do not exist anymore, then yes, meeting again has its prospects. However, keep in mind that, at times, memories can be selective and unfavorably distort the truth by overplaying the good qualities while avoiding the negative ones.
• Only rekindle things if both individuals are in a healthy emotional state and the decision is grounded in practical, mutual considerations—not just sentimentality or romanticized memories. Clear and honest discussions and an understanding of purpose are vital in ascertaining if rekindling the relationship will be worthwhile for both parties or if it will simply be an act of revisiting unresolved emotions.