Getting over an imaginationship might be difficult, but healing from a breakup is way harder than any of our favorite teen dramas prepared us for. Seeing someone you wanted to share a future with do so with someone else feels like a whole new kind of heartbreak. That's why I talked to Shan Boodram, Bumble's Sex and Relationships Expert, about how to move on from an ex — especially when that ex moves on first.
"The uncomfortable truth is that seeing your ex move on first can be a massive shot to the ego," Boodram says. "Acknowledge your feelings and give yourself grace to grieve the potential for the two of you getting back together in the near future, but all the while continue to remind yourself that obsessing over your past can stand in your way of a healthy future."
While it is natural to feel attached to someone after a breakup, you don't want to close yourself off from other people in your life, or prevent yourself from living in the present. However, that doesn't mean you should expect to feel totally normal, either. "You’re dealing with the loss of someone who was a big part of your life — and whether that’s a significant other or another loved one — it takes time, and that time is different for everyone," Boodram continues.
How To Move On From An Ex Who Has Moved On
Image via RDNE Stock project/Pexels
Not only can the end of a relationship impact how you move forward, but the way it ended also affects the healing process: "If it was amicable vs. if you were blindsided can impact how easy it is to put a relationship behind you. Every break-up is different, there’s no set rule for the amount of time you’ll mourn."
It's vital to taking care of yourself during hard, emotional times, but it's equally important to avoid behaviors that might keep you from truly healing. "Is it natural to have negative thoughts and/or strong opinions about the new person that your old lover has moved on with? Absolutely," Boodram says. "However, is there any circumstance in which voicing these thoughts to anyone (other than your best friend who's your designated vent buddy) has any positive outcome? Absolutely not."
Talking about the situation with a close friend can help you process your pain and even your anger, but I know how easy it is for that to take over your entire life. That's not to say you have to be positive at all times, but there is something to be said for taking control of your thoughts.
"If you want to move on and in a positive manner, keep the things you say, and do, positive," she says. "Heartbreak can be extended based on how you react to it. If you indulge in negativity, it may take longer to truly get over it."
Image via Klaus Nielsen/Pexels
Healing might feel like a waiting period, but you don't have to look at it as a passive process. There are some aspects you can take control over — like not checking your ex's social media or looking for information about them (it "almost definitely" makes it harder to move forward, Boodram says). "Stay in a productive mindset by focusing on yourself, leaning on your social network for support, and preventing yourself from obsessing over your ex," Boodram recommends. "Take the time to reflect on the past, while staying positive about the future. Understand what you truly want and are looking for, and open yourself when you feel ready to take the next step."
That might look like spending more time with friends and family, but it can also look like taking some serious "me time" like therapy, journaling, or implementing changes in your lifestyle.
Whatever your healing looks like, remember that any relationship that didn't work out wasn't meant for you. "The best thing to do (though easier said than done!) is to stop pouring your energy into something that’s not giving you satisfaction or stability, which will result in you opening yourself up to new opportunities," Boodram says. "Once you do this, you’ll be able to build a new partnership that is likely an even better fit than what you had before."
Short Term Tips For Healing From A Breakup
Image via MART PRODUCTION/Pexels
In addition to not checking an ex's social media (or just taking a disconnecting from social media as a whole) in the short term, Boodram says you should remember to give yourself grace and take things slow. "Be honest with yourself and think about if it is the familiarity that you miss or the value of that specific person?" she says. "Take a look at what happened in your relationship as an important step to moving forward and understanding what you want or need out of future relationships."
Here are some more short-term healing tips:
- Stick to a routine: "Most breakups will disrupt your routine and that’s fine!" Boodram says. Being in a relationship with someone is a huge part of your life, so it's totally normal if your days look different after you've parted ways. "But, if thinking about your ex has become disruptive to your day-to-day routine, making a schedule you can follow helps get your thoughts back on track."
- Find a new things that offer joy or rest: "Think about trying a new workout class, getting coffee with a friend or even writing down the small things you're grateful for. Find a new normal that puts you first."
- Keep track of your progress: "Set small goals for yourself at first and create a checklist, checking off things as simple as ‘eating healthy’ or ‘calling a friend’ off the list," Boodram says. "You want to make sure that your goals are realistic, that they’re achievable, so that you’re not putting huge things in front of yourself that you can’t accomplish."
Long Term Tips For Healing From A Breakup
Image via Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels
Boodram says to remember that closure and healing isn't something you'll do completely on your own. "You often need perspectives outside of ourselves to untangle yourself from someone else," she says. "I’m a huge proponent of personal therapy and counseling." In addition to talking about what didn't work out (whether it be from friends or a professional), make sure you know what you want your life (and future relationships) to look like.
"Make sure you continue to evaluate what you need out of a partner, what makes you happy, and your emotional triggers will help you to truly understand what you want and need in a future partner when you’re ready to jump back in," Boodram says. Here are some other long-term tips she recommends.
- Keep perspective: "After you’ve processed the experience you’ve had, get excited for what’s to come in your life. You’ll open yourself up for new opportunities."
- Find a hobby that brings you joy: "Make it a part of your regular weekly or monthly routine," she says. "Find the small joys and continue them as you pave your future."
- Don't be afraid of getting back out there: "Once you feel ready to start putting yourself back out there, take advantage of the technology at your disposal," Boodram says. "Apps like Bumble enable you to highlight unique interests to expedite the process of meeting people who you will likely form kind, lasting connections with."
Do you have any advice for how to move on from an ex? Let us know in the comments and check out our email newsletter for more expert relationship advice.
Lead image via Klaus Nielsen/Pexels
