How to Pay Off Your Student Loans Before Your 40th Birthday

If you’re struggling to pay off your pesky student loans, you’re far from alone. According to Make Lemonade, there are more than 44 million student loan borrowers in the US who hold more than $1.4 trillion in student loan debt. By itself, this statistic is hella scary. But when we start to consider the fact that two-thirds of the total student loan debt belongs to women, it becomes shockingly clear why a *ton* of American women end up paying off their school-related debt well into their 40s.

We talked to SoFi’s Student Loan Refinancing Director of Product Marketing Anna Khayet for her top tips for paying off student loans as fast as possible. Pour yourself a summery rosé and take out your old college notebook — it’s time we finally understand the nitty-gritty details of our student loans.

B+C: A study from the OneWisconsin Institute found that it takes graduates of Wisconsin universities almost 20 years to pay off a bachelor’s degree and 23 years to pay off a graduate degree. If we assume that this is similar across the country, that means a lot of people are still struggling to pay off their student debt decades after they graduate. What are some things recent grads can do now to set themselves up to successfully pay off their debt before their 40th birthday?

AK: Once you set aside a three-month emergency fund, make student debt payoff your top priority ahead of other savings and investment opportunities. Find the student loan with the highest interest rate and make your biggest payments against it every month — more than the amount requested by your servicer. This will help you pay the least in interest.

B+C: Speaking of new grads, students with a federal student loan are given a six-month grace period before they have to make their first loan payment. What are some things graduates can do during this period to set themselves up for financial success?

AK: Pretend the grace period is not there and start paying off your student loans as early as possible. Interest starts capitalizing on your student debt as soon as you graduate. Savvy grads realize that every month you defer payment, the interest on your student loans gets applied to a new, larger balance.

B+C: Can you quickly describe the key differences between federal and private student loans?

AK: Federal student loans offer borrowers protections and benefits. Borrowers may be eligible for income-based repayment plans, loan deferment (in case of loss of work or other extenuating circumstances), and loan forgiveness if the borrower works in public service. Federal loans also have generally favorable interest rates, ranging from 3.4 percent to 7.9 percent. The rates are set based on the year you borrowed and whether you borrowed for undergraduate or graduate education. Private loans often come with higher interest rates depending on a borrower’s credit profile, and most don’t afford the same protections that federal loans do.

B+C: Okay, say a student takes out several loans to get them through college. What are some practical tips that can help them manage all of their loans effectively?

AK: You can change your payment due date. If you get paid after your student loans are due, call up your service and set a new payment date. Set up autopay — you’ll get a 0.25 percent discount on the interest rate. These little improvements add up! And the money is automatically deducted from your account every month, so you never make late payments or incur late fees.

B+C: What are the benefits of consolidating your loans? Is this something that we should be considering?

AK: If the federal student loan protections apply to you (if you are unemployed, work in public service, or have low income or an unstable work situation), consider consolidating your loans. This will combine your federal student loans into one loan with the weighted average interest rate of the previous loans and one simple monthly payment. Just get in touch with your loan servicer to start the process.

If you have a strong income and don’t work in the public sector, student loan refinancing could be a good option for you. That’s the business SoFi is in. We combine federal and private student loans into one and give the borrower a low monthly interest rate. Members who refinance with SoFi save $22,359 on average, or $288 a month on their student loan payments (plus there are all the other perks like free dating events, wine tastings, and sky diving).

B+C: What really happens when you can’t afford your student loan payment for the month?

AK: All federal student loans and some private ones are eligible for deferment or forbearance, which allows you to temporarily stop or reduce your payments in order to avoid default. With a deferment, you’re generally not responsible for paying the interest that accrues on subsidized loans, but with forbearance, you are responsible for paying interest on all types of federal loans. To request deferment or forbearance, you’ll need to submit a request to your loan servicer.

B+C: Should we be looking for a gig that has an employer-sponsored loan repayment plan? How common is it for employers to set up these types of programs?

AK: SoFi partners with seven out of the top 10 Fortune 500 companies to offer student loan repayment benefits. Employers are quickly realizing that student loan repayment plans help them attract and retain talent. If your employer doesn’t offer a program, refer them to us today. We can help!

B+C: Finally, are there any apps or resources you can recommend that will help us better understand and plan for our student loan repayment?

AK: Yes — studentaid.ed.gov has a wealth of information on student loan repayment options, and Student Loan Hero is another great resource on everything student debt related.

Are you still paying back your student loans? Tweet us your stories by mentioning @BritandCo.

(Photos via Getty)

Social media is full of trends that come and go — think loud budgeting or sleepmaxxing — but I have a feeling one may grow legs beyond TikTok or Instagram: the 4B Movement. TBH, it doesn't feel right to call it a 'trend' because its origins are rooted in something much deeper than saying or doing something controversial for likes.

If you're not familiar with this movement and are curious about it, we're going to take a deep dive into where it originated, it's purpose, and why women in the U.S. have started to abide by its principles. To understand the 4B Movement's sustainability and potential benefits, I spoke with Somatic Trauma Therapist and Founder of Freshwater Counseling & Consulting, Blessing Uchendu; Sex and Relationships Coach Leah Carey, host of the Good Girls Talk About Sex podcast; and Senior Statistician and Addictions Researcher at UCLA Nicole Prause

Here's what they had to say!

Scroll To Learn What The 4B Movement Is, How It Started, & What It Means For Women In America

  • The 4B Movement is all about abstaining from relationships with men, from dating to sex.
  • This movement started in South Korea after an atrocious act of gender-based violence.
  • Since the 2024 election, American women are exploring the idea of abstaining from relationships with men as well.
  • Ultimately, the 4B movement could lead to de-centering men from women's lives, eliminating some fears surrounding reproductive health and ultimately improving their mental health overall.

What is the 4B Movement?

According to The Washington Post, this is a "radical Korean feminist movement that swears off men to reclaim a sense of agency." It sounds similar to abstinence, but the trickle down effects are vastly different. Abstinence is taking a step back from anything that usually taps into your pleasure center — and that doesn't always mean sex. However, the 4B Movement is specifically rooted in 'de-centering men' completely.

CBSstates that researchers Jieun Lee and Euisol Jeong wrote a paper for Yonsei University about the movement, and deciphered that the "B" has four meanings:

  1. biyeonae — "refusal of dating men"
  2. bisekseu — "sexual relationships with men"
  3. bihon — "heterosexual marriage"
  4. bichulsan — "childbirth"

How did the 4B movement start?

In 2016, Hankyoreh reported that a man in his 30's chose to stab an unknown young woman in Seoul, Korea. When asked why he committed the crime, he gave this answer: "I did it because women have always ignored me." In response to the random attack, Hong Seong-su, a law professor at Sookmyung Women’s University, share a chilling message that the outlet recounted in the article. "The fact that [Kim] chose ‘some woman’ [as opposed to ‘some person’] as the target for his crime suggests it is not going too far to view this as a crime of hate against women."

This radical moment was an inception point for the movement overall, started in opposition to this gender-based violence, as well as gender-based discrimination as a whole. The Korean Herald noted that factors like pay inequality and a Donald Trump-like president of their own (Yoon Suk-yeol) were driving forces in 4B. Since his election in 2022, Yoon Suk-yeol has "promised to abolish the Ministry of Gender Equality and Family, which has been popular with his anti-feminist base," (via Korean Herald). Between all this and the global sensation of #MeToo, the 4B Movement gained major momentum throughout the last eight years.

The 4B Movement's Lasting Impact In South Korea

According to The Korean Herald, over 150 elementary schools aren't seeing first-graders walk through their doors and it has everything to do with the falling birth rate in South Korea. CNN reports that officials are so concerned, they're willing to do something to combat it. President Yoon Suk Yeol said, "We will mobilize all of the nation’s capabilities to overcome the low birth rate, which can be considered a national emergency."

But, this isn't the first time the birth rate has been addressed. Another CNN article reported that South Korea dished out $200 billion to "boost the population over the past 16 years." Still, things haven't worked in the government's favor. It's evident less women are having children and it seems to directly stem from women upholding the ideology they're not allowing their bodies to be used for motherhood anymore.

American Women's Response To The 4B Movement

Kaboompics.com

After the shocking results of the 2024 presidential election, many women began to rethink how they relate to the men in their lives, finding South Korea's 4B Movement in the process. Based on the current rhetoric about women who don't have children and the restrictive anti-abortion laws with hardly any policies in place to reduce the maternal mortality rate, it's understandable why some women are fearful or fed up — and why many women are now finding parallels to what sparked 4B in the first place.

When you see people like Nicholas J. Fuentes tweeting things like "Your body, my choice. Forever," on the same day Trump won a second term as president, it can leave a sickening taste in one's mouth. One user's response to this was, "Funny how the loudest champions of 'freedom' are often the first to undermine it for everyone else."

Alongside this are men's social movements that are clearly intertwined with the current political climate, too. While obviously not all men believe in these ideologies, there's been a stark rise in their prevalence.

Mizuno K

In 2020, ADL reported about the mindset of "Incels" and discovered that they feel emboldened by the 'manosphere.' So, what do they tend to believe? According to outlet, there's a belief "that the current sexual 'marketplace' gives women too much freedom to choose their own partners." Not only that, but the outlet says Incels tend to think women choose to ignore men unless they look a certain way or have a certain status, "leaving the remaining 80 percent of men (including incels) without a potential partner."

Nicole Prause, a UCLA Statistician and Academic, is well-versed in abstinence movements, and what they ultimately indicate based on statistics. "There are a number of similar men's movements already, especially Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW)," she says. According to her, MGTOW don't pursue marriage or relationships with women, but "seek sex when it is on their 'terms.'" She says, "They're often viewing it as a battle pitting sexes against one another. These movements tend to be separatist, often evolving into misogyny and violent speech, such as glorifying sexual coercion and rape."

www.tiktok.com

started in south korea. now in america? yas. #4b #4bmovement #jesusisking

As a result of these growing men's movements and the incoming 47th President of the United States — a convicted felon with multiple allegations of sexual assault — there have been growing calls from women on social media to consider the 4B Movement for themselves. X user @jungsooyawning wrote, "american women it's time to learn from the koreans and adopt the 4b movement as a matter of fact women from all over the world should adopt the 4b movement i'm so serious," on the platform.

Freelance writer Daria Yasmiene also wrote about about why she's taking part in the movement for POPSUGAR. She said, "As a Black woman who has lived through three back-to-back elections with Trump as a focal point, I'm so far beyond tired that I need a lifestyle change." Ultimately, she wants to continue having the freedom to choose to live her life in a way that's not solely governed by men.

"With the little autonomy that I have left, I would rather be alone and safe from the consequences of male influence in my life than lie next to someone who doesn't see me as an equal. We deserve so much more than that."

Meanwhile, Sex and Relationships Coach, Leah Carey says that 4B "makes sense as a response to realizing that a majority of men valued the economy over a woman's right to self-determination." Depending on where you stand, she also says that it can be "seen as 'punishment' for men" or "as a choice of self-determination and self-protection for women." Somatic Trauma Therapist, Blessing Uchendu shares Carey's sentiments in that the movement is "a response to patriarchy and the centering of men and conversely the objectification of women, with the expectation that they fulfill roles as wives and mothers."

Potential Benefits Of The 4B Movement

Antoni Shkraba

So with all that in mind, is a movement like 4B beneficial? And is it even sustainable? I'm not going to tell you that you should or shouldn't join the 4B Movement because it's a personal decision. It's always wise to examine where you are in life instead of relying on social media, news outlets, or even the government to determine what you're going to believe. Still, there may be some benefits to the 4B Movement that outweigh any potential fallouts.

Carey says that "not being refused care for reproductive matters" is a potential benefit of 4B, while also highlighting that "the mental health benefits can also be huge for people who deal with anxiety, depression, or anything else that might cause emotional hardship in the current climate."

This could also lead to women identifying and honoring their true desires instead of following society's scripts about who they should be. Somatic Trauma Therapist, Blessing Uchendu believes that 4B is about women de-centering men and re-centering themselves — about "being the 'stars of their own stories,' rather than supporting characters in a malde-dominated narrative." Uchendu says. "It can be incredibly empowering to step away from systems that have felt compulsory in order to reflect on whether you are making decisions centered on yourself and your desires or whether these decisions are centered on the expectations of the society around you."

The most important thing Carey wants to note is that women aren't unable to find love and joy ever again by participating in the 4B movement. "Just because a woman chooses not to date, have sex, get married, or have kids with a man doesn't mean she can't do those things: with other women. it's more and more common for adult women to explore their same-sex attractions after divorce or widowhood," she notes. "With a generation of young women growing up with the understanding that heterosexuality is not the only option, we may see a wave of younger women also exploring in this arena (in addition to all the younger women who already know themselves to be queer)."

I would also say that you can always go back to dating and engaging with men whenever you want — this movement doesn't have to be a permanent choice if you don't want it to be. The whole point is to take charge and embrace your own sense of agency.

Yet, Prause does pause to mention the downside to "separatist movements." She explains that without support from men, women could struggle financially given pay disparities and other gender-based work inequities. Still, she says this doesn't really affect much if women have been figuring things out for themselves with little help from men.

Ultimately Uchendu says women having the freedom to exist without the weight of society's patriarchal standards on their shoulders is the "ultimate freedom." She says, "In the words of Audre Lorde 'If I did not define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and be eaten alive."

Andrea Piacquadio

No woman should have to live in fear of having violence committed against her, but history continues repeating itself in terms of how society treats our bodies. "When a woman's right to make choices about her own body and health care are removed, she may decide to not put herself in a position where pregnancy can become an option," Carey says.

Prause chimes in with, "On average, women are more likely to experience mental health declines with marriage to a man (the opposite is true for men). While men also can experience domestic violence and sexual assault, the risks are exceptionally higher for women." Not only that, but she also points out that "women risk unwanted pregnancy, from which they now have fewer healthcare rights to address" and "are at much higher risk for sexually transmitted infections, even from their regular romantic partner."

As if that weren't a slap in the fact, Prause mentions that "childcare continues to fall disproportionately on women and does cause less income for women over time."

So, at the end of the day, I can't tell you what the right choice is, but I do know that patriarchy's long-lasting fixture in society has harmed everyone. From men who think women owe them something to women who believe they're not worth anything unless they're married or mothers, there's a lot to unpack.

What I do know is that no one should have the right to control the personal lives of other people nor should they try to make their personal beliefs and religious ideologies into laws that govern people who will be around long after they're not.

No matter where you stand on the matter, hatred and violence should never be tolerated or praised. Remember to take care of yourself by diving into more self-care stories we have on-site.

Gifting is hard. Unless you're able to work some serious mental magic and track down the most perfect and most personalized gift for everyone on your list, searching for the right thing(s) to give is a full time job! That's where gift sets come in. Gift sets are often packaged up to perfection (taking some precious wrapping time out of the equation), plus they come in every different category you could ever think of!

Below, we've listed our favorite gift sets – that we're totally eyeing for ourselves 👀 – by Beauty, Foodie, Home, and Fashion categories. You're sure to find some gift sets that will make them go crazy!

Scroll on for our favorite holiday gift sets of 2024!

Beauty Gift Sets 

Amazon

Sol De Janeiro Bum Bum Summer Jet Set

With nearly 100 5-star ratings on Amazon, this gift set from Sol De Janeiro brings forth luscious scents of pistachio, salted caramel, and vanilla via a travel-size trio of shower gel, skin cream, and perfume mist.

Target

Camille Rose Scalp Goals Hair Treatment Gift Set

Scalps need TLC too! Your little sister will love this pretty pink gift set that features Camille Rose's Rosemary Oil droplets and a much-needed massager. All she needs to do is section her hair and spend time applying the drops to her hair before massaging them in!

Amazon

Foxybae Rose Gold Round Brush Set

The girls love a blowout – for the gal who always has her locks in check, this round brush gift set will give her routine a rose gold reset. Right now, you can shop this trio for 50% off.

Amazon

LOOPS Hydrogel Face Masks 5-Pack

The face masks in this pack are tailored to virtually any skin type, taking the guesswork out of skincare gifting. Most importantly, the formula is hydrating, which we all know is much needed during wintertime.

Burt's Bees Tips & Toes Gift Set

Dry skin? Nobody has time for that! This Burt's Bees gift set comes prepped with purse-sized hydrating lip, hand, and body products.

Amazon

Laniege Midnight Minis: Lip Sleeping Masks

These lip masks seal up cracked, flaky lips overnight. This is one gift set that'd made of pure magic, soothing throughout the dry season.

Target

R.e.m. Beauty x Wickd Galinda Makeup Set

Can't get enough of Wicked? Achieve Galinda's look with this cute makeup set. It comes with a smudge-proof kohl liner, long-lasting liquid eyeshadow, a hydrating blush & lip stick, and a creamy metallic lipstick. It's the only things you'll need to complete your holiday look!

Henry Rose

Henry Rose Mini Body Spray Trio Set

This gift set sells for $90 ($120 value) and includes three 50ML dreamy scents. Each one is hypoallergenic and cruelty-free, but most notably, they all smell like sheer luxury.

Amazon

Charlotte Tilbury Plillow Talk Beautifying Lip Kit

This gift set has everything required for the perfect juicy pout – coordinating lipstick, lip liner, gloss, and balm.

Amazon

Olaplex In Good Repair Hair Kit

Give the gift of Olaplex's nurturing products with this repair hair kit. It features the No. 3 Hair Perfector, No. 4 Bond Maintenance Shampoo, No. 5 Bond Maintenance Conditioner, and No. 7 Bonding Oil which work overtime to nourish tresses.

Amazon

Pattern by Tracee Ellis Ross Curl Cocktail Kit

Treat someone's curls to their own personal cocktail with this kit! it features mini versions of the brand's leave-in conditioner, styling cream, and curl gel which will aid in the perfect wash and go set. Or, it can simply be used to refresh 3-day-old twist outs!

Amazon

Conair Infinitipro Multi-Styler

If your friend has been interested in a blowout kit without spending a ton of money for one, surprise her with Conair's Multi-Styler. It comes with four attachments that have different functions. You'll get a curling wand, round brush, paddle brush, and a drying nozzle! It also comes with a storage bag to store all the pieces in one organized place.

Amazon

Touchland Power Mist Hydrating Hand Sanitizer Spray Juicy 3-Pack

Everyone is sure to love these aesthetically-pleasing hand sprays. From post-grocery store runs to gym trips, they provide not only sanitization, but gorgeous smells, too. Gift your recipient all three, or split up the pack to grace several stockings.

Poppi

Poppi x InnBeauty Project Sips & Lips Duo

The two lip gloss flavors inspired by Poppi in this gift set channel that of the holiday season. First, Raspberry Rose Glaze gives off a perfect pink tint, then Cranberry Fizz Glaze comes in with a deeper red hue.

Amazon

Rinna Beauty Icon Lip Kit in Kiki

This lip kit has everything you need to create the juiciest and perfectly balanced lip look like Lisa Rinna. What's more is the formulas are all super hydrating and anti-aging!

Foodie Gift Sets

Isle of Harris

Isle of Harris The Harris Serve+ Gift Set

The gin-loving gals and gentlemen will adore this highly-tailored drink set for its botanical influences. The gin gets its character from local sugar kelp seaweed, a story told further by the details in the sleek box.

Peet's Coffee

Peet's Coffee Ultimate Holiday Treats Gift Set

How could you possibly go wrong with coffee and chocolate?! This gift set blesses the gift receiver with a 1lb bag of Peet's Coffee Holiday Blend alongside two seasonal chocolate bars and a box of chocolate cherries. Yummmm.

Nordstrom

Palais des Thés Holiday Favorites Assorted Tea Gift Set

This gift set was made for any tea lover. There's a really nice assortment of tea varieties that they can sip year-round.

Amazon

The Omsom Saucy Noodle Sampler

We gobble Omsom noodles down on a weekly basis, and so far, there are no regrets. This noodle-fied gift set is complete with ten boxes of some of the brand's most-loved flavors – which come deliciously together in only 5 minutes, the ultimate cure for holiday cooking burnout.

Amazon

Clevr Blends Golden SuperLatte

Functional caffeine is one of 2024's food trends, so for the sippers that keep their finger on the foodie pulse, this SuperLatte kit is sure to please!

Brightland

Brightland The Luminous Capsule

Brightland's pure extra virgin olive oils are prime for cooking or drizzling on meals. Even then, the bottle is just fun to look at! This foodie-forward capsule gift set is packed with their Awake olive oil, Champagne vinegar, and California honey.

Home Gift Sets

Material Kitchen

Death & Co x Material The Stirred Set

This design-forward vessel in intended for batched cocktails (or mocktails), so any happy hour host will love it. Gift this piece alongside a list of our best winter-warming drinks.

Target

GreenPan Rio Nonstick Aluminum Cookware Set

If your friend is moving into her new apartment next month, she'll love this cookware set! It features 16 gorgeous blush pots and pans, plus four wooden utensils come with it! They heat really quick which means she won't have to spend a ton of time in the kitchen if she doesn't want to.

Amazon

The Bamboo Abode 10 Piece Cheese and Charcuterie Board Set

This charcuterie gift set is perfect for gifting to the host or hostess in your life. It comes with high-quality utensils and bowls to help them serve. The best part is it also comes with complementary recipes for them to try out! This really is the whole package.

Grove

Grove Co. Holiday Hosting Set

Adults know that a clean house is invaluable, so gifting cleaning products (especially cute ones like these) will definitely spread some cheer amongst the grown-ups. This gift set is fit with 2 soap dispensers, a hand soap refill, a dish soap refill, a candle, and a scrubber sponge.

Character

Character The Essential Tool Set

Okay, hear us out – though not many people would view a literal toolbox as a great gift, this could make a really epic option for the fresh-outta-college or new-homeowner individuals. Plus, you can't deny that this color is cuuute. You can get it for $295 (a $355 value) to help them get their sh*t together.

Amazon

Mosaic Liquid Hand Soap Gift Set

We're not sure about you, but sometimes we just simply do not feel like splurging on home essentials. In the vein of generosity, please gift the adults in your life only practical things – like hand soaps (ahem, this gift set). laundry pods, or dish-washing goods! We promise it will be valuable to them, especially in these times.

Target

Threshold Diffuser Candle Set

Everyone could use a little more relaxation in their lives so gift someone this diffuser candle set. It comes with a soothing candle, room spray, and diffuser that'll make any room smell good!

Fashion Gift Sets

Amazon

17 Mile Store Gold Hoop Earrings

$20 for an entire nine pairs of earrings (and cute earrings at that) is just unheard of. Grab this gift set for the gold hoop-wearer!

Natural Life

Natural Life Happy Box Gift Set

This gift set is packed to the brim with trinkets and decor that will being a sure smile to anyone who gets it.

Amazon

YZKKE Vintage Wool Crew Socks

This set of colorful socks will stylishly accompany them wherever they go!

We're serving up holiday deals + must-have gifts all season long. Sign up for our newsletter so you don't miss out on the good stuff!

Brit + Co. may at times use affiliate links to promote products sold by others, but always offers genuine editorial recommendations.

This post has been updated.

The period ofThanksgiving through the New Year is when with family, often after not seeing them for several months out of the year. This is usually the time where everyone likes to catch up with each other to see if there's potential news they may have missed. But, this sometimes lead to the inevitable prodding questions that can make us want to crawl under the dinner table.

At some point, at least one person usually thinks it okay to ask super personal questions between eating yummy ham and candy recipes.They can range from questions about the class you flunked to your love life, putting you in an uncomfortable spotlight. You may feel like screaming at the top of your lungs, but licensed psychologist Dr. Michele Leno, host of the Mind Matters with Dr. Michelepodcast and therapist Alison McKleroy, LMFT, founder of Center for Spark®and author of the Self-Compassion Journal, have a few suggestions to help you avoid that.

Here's How To Politely Shut Down Your Family's Prodding Questions Over The Holidays!

  • Being around family during the holidays can increase the likelihood of juggling questions you don't wanna answer.
  • Recognizing your own needs and values will help you identify how you want to respond to your family's questions.
  • Setting clear boundaries with your family — and for yourself — can also help you communicate more effectively with your family.
  • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and other self-care tools can help you better navigate awkward and tense family scenarios.

What is it about the holidays that trigger uncomfortable or prodding family questions?

Yaroslav Shuraev

If you had a dollar for every time some asked something that created awkward tension during the holidays, how much money would you have? For some reason, it always feels like this is the time for people to ask the most embarrassing questions in the word. But, what if it wasn't done on purpose? Dr. Michele says, "While many love holidays, others dread them. Those who have close family relationships approach the season with ease."

Still, she acknowledges how that's not always the case for everyone. "People with strained family relationships find holidays unbearable. The closeness can encourage prodding that feels invasive. Sometimes, people simply have a need to know the ins and outs of your life."

However, you don't have to feed anyone's curiosity if you don't want to!

How can I politely say that a question is bothering me?

RDNE Stock project

Your first reaction to certain questions may be shock and embarrassment followed by irritation or anger. Those are normal responses when something catches us off guard. While our emotions are justified, the way we want to respond may not be. McKleroy says, "First, it’s crucial to recognize your own needs or values that are stirred up by the question. If your aunt asks you, 'Are you still at that job, or did you finally find a better one,' this question could likely bring up a need for acknowledgement — maybe you want your aunt to see the value in your work."

She further explains, "It could also point to your need for autonomy and freedom to make career choices on your own terms without feeling pressured. You can respond by saying, 'Yep, I'm still at that job, and I'm learning a lot and enjoying being there right now,'" which places the ball in your court without you cursing her name.

This is the time to be curious if you're not sure what your needs are. Like McKleroy says, they're a good indicator of why certain questions bother you. Truthfully, she believes you look at invasive questions as a good thing. "Navigating personal questions from family, especially the kind that feel intrusive, is a chance to courageously practice protecting your peace and setting empowered boundaries," McKleroy says.

Still, you likely need to set boundaries with your family. "Another way you can navigate prodding questions is by expressing your need for privacy in a kind way. If your grandfather asks you about your dating life, you can say, 'I really appreciate your interest, and right now, I’m keeping that part of my life private. I’ll happily share more when I’m ready,'" she suggests. It's a great way for you to "honor his care while respecting your own boundaries," according to her.

What if I'm afraid to set boundaries with my family?

Nicole Michalou

Setting boundaries with anyone isn't always easy, especially if you're a people pleaser or empath. But Dr. Leno says, "It is best to set boundaries up front, understanding that family may or may not respect them." Echoing McKleroy's thoughts about how to redirect certain questions, she says you can tell someone "now is not the time to talk about it."

If you're still afraid of pushback for setting a boundary, she encourages you to "talk to the host or another family member to help you out." Based on her experience, she feels "there is usually someone willing to redirect subjects as needed." If it helps, I've been known to ask my mom or sister an unrelated question to what I'm being asked to signal that I'm feeling anxious about something I've been asked.

Your apprehension about setting boundaries isn't in vain though. It's a real feeling based on a number of things. Dr. Leno says, "Establishing boundaries can be difficult for someone hoping to maintain peace or avoid conflict. They fear appearing hostile. However, your well-being comes first."

What can I do if my family chooses to ignore my boundaries?

Nicole Michalou

Like Dr. Leno said, everyone isn't going to honor your boundaries based on things that have nothing to do with you. It's hard not to take things personal, but it's worth learning how not to internalize their lack of respect. "There are times when your family will disregard your boundaries, so brace yourself. Prepare to protect your mental space, and stand your ground," informs Dr. Leno.

Also, she says that "even if your family repeatedly oversteps, your ability to stick to your boundaries is more important than their willingness to respect them." Should you feel depleted trying to mentally and emotionally guard yourself, she wants you to "take a break by exiting the room or house or venue altogether."

I personally love doing the later if I'm unable to stay grounded when fielding prodding questions and think I'm about to say the wrong thing. Taking a break usually gives me time to calm down and find something else to focus on.

Andrea Piacquadio

If you still need help learning how to deal with your family's invasive questions, there are CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) tools you can rely on. They've been a huge life saver for me which is why I'm always sprinkling them throughout different family and self-care articles. For anyone who's unfamiliar with what CBT is, Dr. Leno says it "focuses on self-management" because "people learn to regulate their emotions by managing their thoughts."

Realistically, the holidays shouldn't cause you to feel stressed out. "If you're feeling emotionally drained leading up to the holidays, your thinking may be the culprit. Your worst-case-scenario think will cause an anxiety build-up that feels unmanageable," warns Dr. Leno.

Instead, she wants to try developing "some self-care tools" like:

  • "Only sharing what makes you comfortable"
  • "Refusing to answer certain questions because the person asking will get over it"
  • Managing your anxiety with deep breathing"
  • Avoiding the all-or-nothing mindset. It is perfectly fine to limit your participation in the festivities. Give yourself permission to leave early if necessary."

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