It's worth noting that it feels like society has barely scratched the surface of learning how to deal with friendshipbreakups. Our friends are the people we've shared memorable moments with, have given us a shoulder — or two — to cry on, and loved us through all the bad haircuts and outfit choices. So when we fall out with them, it feels like everything's gone to sh*t. Just ask Kylie Jenner and Jordyn Woods.
After the Tristan Thompson/Jordyn cheating scandal, the pair became the poster girls of unbalanced friendships. But now that they've been spotted together for the first time in four years, people are wondering when it's worth rekindling a friendship. We spoke with friendship expert and TikTok's resident friendship coach Danielle Bayard Jackson of Bumble For Friends (BFF) to learn more.
What are some things that can cause rifts in friendships?
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Any relationship, platonic or romantic, can experience challenges at times. After all, we're human and humans can be messy. But that's not to say repetitive negative behavior can — or should — be overlooked. In fact, according to recent Bumble For Friends research, a majority (59%)* of Gen-Z respondents have lost at least three or more friends in the last year alone.
Danielle said one-side friendships, a lack of support, feeling negative after spending time with someone, and lack of respect for boundaries can cause tension to build. What does that mean, though?
One-Sided Friendships
You know that friend who only reaches out when they need something, be it physical or psychological? And when you bring up what's going on in your life, they still manage to make it all about themselves? It's like you're constantly putting in all the effort to make plans, be there for them, and beyond? That's a one-sided friendship. Danielle said, "We know responsibilities grow the older we get — whether it's a new job in a new city or a growing family — but if you you're the only one that seems to be invested in the friendship, it can cause a temporary rift."
Lack Of Support
There are several situations that can occur where friends will need each other's support — and I don't necessarily mean financially. From bad breakups to family drama, sometimes friends need a supportive shoulder to lean or cry on. Danielle believes the best friendships involve mutual support. If this isn't happening, she said, "When you aren't receiving the same support you give, it can be discouraging and tiresome."
Feeling Drained After Hanging Out
We've all had a former friend that's left us feeling depleted after spending time with them, but couldn't figure out why. Danielle wants you to know that shouldn't be happening. "Friendships should be additive to one's life, and shouldn't inspire feelings of stress or anxiety. If you find yourself feeling this way, it might be time to take a break and reevaluate the friendship," she said.
Boundaries Aren't Respected
Take it from me — you and your friends should set boundaries with each other if you haven't already. I think things could've gone differently had I done this with a former friend before choosing to walk away. Without boundaries, someone's feelings are bound to get hurt, and no amount of "I thought we could brush it off" conversations can help.
If you have set boundaries with your friend and they're not respecting them — or vice versa — Danielle said, "It might be time for some space from this person. You shouldn't be sacrificing the things you need to feel comfortable in a friendship."
Is genuine reconciliation possible after a friendship breakup?
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Danielle and I both agree that genuine reconciliation can occur. This doesn't mean you should immediately offer an olive branch to a friend you've stopped talking to, but it's at least an indication that anything is possible. She recommends you ask yourself the following questions about what caused your rift, and if rekindling your friendship is the right choice:
- Is this a conflict that you're willing to compromise on?
- Do these conflicts happen more often than not?
- Do the conflicts become more hurtful over time?
- Do the benefits of the friendship to your mental health and happiness outweigh these conflicts?
If you feel you have positive answers, Danielle said to "make sure you're checking in with yourself throughout the process and once the friendship has been reestablished." The work to maintain the friendship will be ongoing and she wants you to "be honest with yourself about how the friendship is serving you both once you reconcile."
What are green flags to look out for when rekindling a friendship?
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Before we talk about red flags, there are some green flags that can help lead you in the right direction when rekindling a friendship.
Honest communication
Being able to be honest and open about what happened in your friendship is vital. Danielle said, "If you and your friend are both able to acknowledge what went wrong in the friendship and the roles you played in a factual and respectful manner, this is a good sign."
Forward thinking conversations
It's good to have conversations about what happened in the past, but it's also okay to focus on your new friendship chapter. "While the conflict shouldn't be completely forgotten, focusing on the ways your friendship can be more positive and productive than before is a green flag to look out for," Danielle said.
She also said, "If your interactions with this person feel different – and better – than they did before, this is a sign that you’ve had enough time and space to rebuild your relationship."
What are red flags to look out for when rekindling a friendship?
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Not noticing the green flags? It may be wise to be aware of red ones instead. When conflict between you and friend hasn't been resolved, and you can't agree on why you want to reconcile, it may be time to let the friendship go altogether.
"If your conversations are still focused on the details of what happened between you and assigning blame, it's possible that you and your friend have not yet had enough space from the even to process and discuss it factually," Danielle said. Although instant gratification is real, matters of the heart are delicate and require more time to heal.
She also said, "It’s rare to find a friendship that lasts a lifetime, but according to a Bumble For Friends survey, 40%* of respondents believe that the mark of a successful friendship is one that is long lasting. With this in mind, it’s easy to understand why we often find ourselves hanging onto friends that we’ve had in our lives for a long time for no reason other than longevity."
I used to think like this but longevity doesn't always mean healthy communication and boundaries are in place. Sometimes you and a friend outgrow each other — and that's okay. Reconciliation shouldn't be forced and if nothing feels different, it's honestly not worth it.
What do you think about Kylie and Jordyn's apparent reconciliation? Would you ever consider rekindling a friendship with someone you don't have a friendship with anymore? Let us know in the comments!
*About the Survey: This research was commissioned by Bumble and carried out online by Censuswide in February 2023. The survey was conducted among a sample of more than 1,000 US adults who have either attended college or are currently in college. Censuswide abides by and employs members of the Market Research Society, which is based on the ESOMAR principles.
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