It feels good to do nice things for others. After all, one of Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languagesis acts of service, AKA doing nice things to bring joy and ease to someone else’s life. But there’s a fine line between serving others from a place of love, and constantly putting someone else’s needs before your own.
If you identify with the latter, you may be a bit of a people-pleaser. There are lots of different reasons someone could fall into people-pleasing, but it ultimately can have a negative effect on your self-esteem and relationships. People-pleasing does a disservice to the pleaser, oftentimes leaving them feeling disempowered or burnt out.
So in the name of personal empowerment and self-prioritizing, I spoke to two mental health professionals—Licensed Mental Health Counselor Associate, Elizabeth Mateer and Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Crystal Britt — to put together a guide on how to stop people-pleasing. Here are some steps you can take when you’re ready.
Prioritize Your Own Needs And Desires
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You know when you’re on a plane and the flight attendant tells you to put your mask on first in case of an emergency? The first step to people-pleasing is much the same. Before you can meet someone else’s needs, you must meet your own. This is not only for your sanity, but for your safety and well-being.
While you may extend (or overextend) yourself for the sake of others, they might not be obligated to do the same, meaning your needs might not be met at all if not by you. Mateer says, “Make a list of your physical and emotional needs in different life categories like work, relationships, family, or social life. Once you have that list, you can develop strategies to work towards prioritizing your needs in each area.”
Take Note When You Feel Resistance And Discomfort
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While you may extend (or overextend) yourself for the sake of others, they might not be obligated to do the same, meaning your needs might not be met at all if not by you. Mateer says, “Make a list of your physical and emotional needs in different life categories like work, relationships, family, or social life. Once you have that list, you can develop strategies to work towards prioritizing your needs in each area.”
As a people-pleaser, your first instinct is typically to agree to something, even if you don’t want to. Notice your hesitation and how you feel when you say “yes.” Are you immediately uncomfortable? Is it hard to imagine how you will get the task done? Listen to this hesitation and honor it.
Britt says, “Honor those feelings. In practical terms that means deciding consciously what you’d like to actually do in this situation. Would you like to decline? Would you like to say, ‘Thanks so much for thinking of me, but my plate is really full right now. Could you keep me in mind next time though?’ Or would you genuinely like to say ‘yes?’ Honor your feelings before you respond.”
Learn To Tolerate *Some* Discomfort
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As a people-pleaser, your first instinct is typically to agree to something, even if you don’t want to. Notice your hesitation and how you feel when you say “yes.” Are you immediately uncomfortable? Is it hard to imagine how you will get the task done? Listen to this hesitation and honor it.
Britt says, “Honor those feelings. In practical terms that means deciding consciously what you’d like to actually do in this situation. Would you like to decline? Would you like to say, ‘Thanks so much for thinking of me, but my plate is really full right now. Could you keep me in mind next time though?’ Or would you genuinely like to say ‘yes?’ Honor your feelings before you respond.”
Putting yourself first can feel very uncomfortable, but Mateer says you should learn to tolerate this new feeling. “Recognize that saying ‘no’ or setting boundaries may be uncomfortable at first,” they say, “but that discomfort is a natural part of personal growth and learning to prioritize your own needs.”
Over time, it’ll get easier to say no and enforce your boundaries. If the person you’re pleasing truly cares about you, not only should they honor your boundaries, but they should respect and remember them moving forward.
Set Clear Boundaries
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Boundary-building can be difficult because it requires you to figure out where you stop and where others start. When asked to do something, you may be inclined to say “yes,” but it’s important to note that your response lives on a spectrum. Try modifying your “yes,” with a “yes, but,” or “yes, if” so that you’re clear about which circumstances you’re willing to perform under.
“It can be helpful to think of how you will enforce a boundary before you communicate it to another person,” Mateer says. “For example, if you’ve set the boundary of staying in to recharge and you know a friend might still pressure you to go out, practice saying aloud that you will be staying in for an ‘outside’ reason, such as walking your dog or having an early morning. Eventually, with practice, you will get better at simply saying ‘because this is what I need.’”
Practice Saying No
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Saying no might be one of the hardest boundaries to set, but it’s one of the most important. Similar to modifying your yeses, you can also modify your nos so you don’t lose yourself in the task. Try saying “no, unless” or “no, but I can do [this] instead.” You can even offer to think about it before giving a final answer.
Britt also suggests an exercise where her clients return their coffee if it isn’t the drink they ordered, or if they changed their mind. She says, “Practicing saying ‘no’ in little ways helps you get better at setting bigger boundaries.”
Have Compassion For Yourself
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Yes, you read that right — give yourself some grace. You’re honoring your needs and putting yourself first; that’s not an easy thing to do. It’s going to take practice, but the more often you draw the line, the less people will cross it.
“To stop people-pleasing takes practice,” Britt says, “and that means you’ll fail and try again. That’s okay! No one gets it right the first time. If you need help, consider working with a therapist — let them know you’d specifically like to work on people-pleasing tendencies!”
Seek Outside Support
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Like Britt said, you can seek professional support from a mental health professional to help you stop people-pleasing. You can also rely on your friends and family; trust that if they love you, they will reciprocate the support you so readily extend to them.
“Tell the supportive people in your life that you are working on reducing your people-pleasing tendencies,” Mateer says. “They should respect your boundaries and encourage you to prioritize your own needs.”
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