What to Do When a Loved One Opens Up About Surviving Sexual Assault

Annamarie Higley
Nov 27, 2017

As the fallout from the Harvey Weinstein scandal and other Hollywood allegations continue to unfold, social media platforms — especially Twitter and Facebook — have transformed into spaces for sexual assault and harassment survivors to share their stories with the hashtag #MeToo. Some have critiqued the hashtag as redirecting the focus from the perpetrators, where it should be, to the survivors. But for many, this movement has emboldened them to speak their truths, producing some undeniably positive results — such as helping reduce the stigma surrounding sexual assault survivors, advancing discourse about the subject, and pushing real consequences for assault.

As more survivors feel empowered to come forward, it becomes ever more important to know how to respond appropriately if a friend or loved one opens up to you about an experience with sexual assault. We spoke with Tiffany Ashenfelter, a Dallas-based licensed professional counselor who works directly with survivors of sexual and physical violence, about how to most effectively help.

1. Believe. Oftentimes, survivors feel as though no one will believe their experience or experiences, and many are even told this by their abusers. A good starting point as the recipient of this information is to simply believe what they tell you in full. As simple as this is, “It can be a huge relief to them,” Ashenfelter says.

2. Listen. No one owes you their story. To be confided in is a privilege, so be an empathetic and attentive listener. “By being witness to their pain and their story, we empower their voice,” Ashenfelter explains. Allow them to share their story and react in the manner they choose by “giving them the space they need to grieve or be angry or laugh or cry without comment or judgment.” The more one-sided the conversation, the less room there is for interrogation or unwanted input. Each survivor will have a different conception of coping. Ashenfelter instructs that we should avoid saying things such as, “Why didn’t you go to the police?” or “You should report that to HR.” This increases shame and shuts down communication.

3. Support. Let the survivor move forward as they see fit. Many won’t want to go to authorities in law enforcement or their employer, and that is entirely up to them, because they are the best judge of whether they’re likely to be believed or just traumatized all over again. The best thing you can do is support them in their actions (or inaction). Encourage them to do what they feel is best for themself — and if requested, help provide them with options. Ashenfelter suggests survivors see therapists or join support groups if and when they feel ready, as these places can be sources of hope and healing. Ashenfelter reminds that it’s also important to keep in mind that as family members or friends of survivors we are not their therapists. Although the survivor’s needs should be prioritized, so must yours. It’s entirely acceptable — even encouraged — to engage in self-care in the wake of these heavy conversations.

How have people helped support you through difficult times? Tweet us @BritandCo.

(Photo via Getty)

11 Obvious Signs You’re Actually An Empath, According To A Therapist

You and your friends have likely spent countless hours together, decoding everything from imaginationships to the best comfort shows to watch when you're sad. You've probably even settled into a designated role within the group. Maybe you're the super adventurous one, always suggesting friend date ideas for the group to try, while someone else always knows how to comfort everyone when life gets rough. But, have you ever wondered if you're the most empathetic friend in the group? That's easy, just ask Brianna Paruolo, LCMCH. She's the founder and clinical director of On Par Therapyso she knows how to recognize signs you're an empath, plus how to take care of yourself!

TL;DR

  • Empathy is when "you feel what others are feeling."
  • There are physical, emotional, social, and mental signs that you're an empath.
  • You may be an empath if you get physically exhausted after being in crowds, feel anxious or overwhelmed in emotionally charged environments, feel responsible for other people's happiness, or you find it hard to distinguish your own feelings from someone else's.

Are there really assigned roles in friend groups or am I just imagining things?

Gary Barnes

Like I said before, it can seem like you and your friends unintentionally gravitate toward certain 'roles.' It's not like anyone woke up one day and decided, "I'm going to be the 'mother hen' of the group," but it tends to happen. Why?

Paruolo says, "In my clinical work, I've consistently observed that our friendship roles often mirror our early family dynamics. These patterns show up naturally — think about who in your friend group gets the first crisis call, who plans all the gatherings, or who everyone turns to for emotional support." I'm willing to bet you thought of a name for each scenario — including yours — because I know I did!

"Like in families, we each fall into specific roles that feel familiar to us," Paruolo further explains.

What actually makes someone an empathetic person?

cottonbro studio

There's so many definitions for empathy, but I thought it would be wise to ask a licensed professional for her opinion on the matter. "Empathy means to feel what others are feeling. You do not have to have a personal direct experience with something to feel empathy for another person," shares Paruolo.

For example, your friend could call to tell you she has to have fibroid removal surgery and is feeling scared. You may have never had surgery, but you could find yourself feeling the need to comfort her in spite of this. Paruolo says, "The cool thing about our brains is that we have mirror neurons, which means part of our brain is set up to feel what others feel. The ability to attune to others' emotional states comes naturally to some people, while others may need to develop this capacity more consciously."

Yaroslav Shuraev

To break it down even further, here's signs that Paruolo says point to your empathetic nature.

Physical Signs:

  • Getting physically exhausted after being in crowds
  • Feeling drained after social interactions, even enjoyable ones (OMG I feel so seen!)
  • Needing extra time alone to recharge

Emotional Signs:

  • Absorbing other people's emotions like a sponge
  • Feeling anxious or overwhelmed in emotionally charged environments
  • Finding it hard to watch violence or cruelty in movies/TV

Social Signs:

  • Feeling responsible for others' happiness
  • Having trouble saying "no" to people who need help

Mental Signs:

  • Picking up on subtle changes in others' moods
  • Being highly attuned to body language and tone
  • Finding it hard to distinguish your feelings from others' feelings

It sounds like I'm the empathetic friend, but are there any downsides to this?

Mikhail Nilov

I've been an empath for as long as I can remember and I've found that I have to 'recharge' my social batteries at times. I thought it was because I was trying to be superwoman by fixing others' problems, but it turns out theres more to it than that. Paruolo says, "Empathetic friends and people have an uncanny ability to sense others' emotional states even when unspoken, and frequently need recovery time after intense social interactions. They tend to be deeply affected by others' experiences and naturally consider situations from multiple perspectives."

In the long run, she says it can be "distressing" for some people to always feel the feelings of others. Over time, she says, "it can cause you to shut down and retract." This can look like not being as quick to respond to the funny memes your friends send you or not even answering their phone calls right away.

cottonbro studio

But, this doesn't mean you're the only person who tends to go through this. "Many empaths struggle with maintaining boundaries due to their deep emotional attunement," she says. Color me guilty because this sounds so much like me. It got so bad at one point that my sister nicknamed me 'Captain Save-A-Lot,' which is actually the clean version of what she truly meant. Still, empathy fatigue is no laughing matter nor does it mean you're defected. You just have the natural ability to show people their feelings are important to you.

How can I protect my peace as the empathetic friend?

Kaboompics.com

You know you need to set boundaries, but what does that mean? Paruolo says, "The key is understanding that empathy needs to be balanced with compassion - it's not just about feeling others' emotions but also knowing how to help without depleting yourself."

One of the things she loves to do is "encourage empaths to set clear boundaries around their emotional availability and make time for regular grounding exercises." As with gratitude journaling, try to focus on an activity that calls for you to be present. Focus on what you can hear, see, touch, taste, and smell.

"Self-care isn't just a luxury; it's essential maintenance for empaths. This might mean scheduling alone time, finding a supportive therapist, or joining communities where you can process your experiences," Paruolo implores.

I know how to be there for others, but how do I ask for emotional support when I need it?

Vitaly Gariev

You may feel like it's impossible to ask others for help since your shoulders are the ones people cry on, but you're only doing yourself a disservice by not speaking up. No one's super resilient or able to handle all of their distressing feelings alone. We're not meant to.

It's the reason Paruolo wants you to speak up about what you need. "The most effective approach I've seen is being direct about your needs rather than hoping others will figure them out," she says. I made this mistake during postpartum and found myself expecting my family & friends to know exactly how I felt, but they're not mind readers. The more I verbally asked for help with little or big tasks, the more my mental and emotional load lightened.

Paruolo wants you to look at "asking for support as strengthening your friendships through trust and vulnerability, instead of waiting until you're overwhelmed." By the time you reach that point, you'll be ready to enter rage or full-blown shut down mode and they're not fun.

Avoid unlocking their proverbial doors by scheduling "regular check-ins with trusted friends," suggests Paruolo. "This creates a sustainable support system and helps prevent emotional crisis points.

We have even more self-care stories for you to dive into if you need a mental and emotional boost!

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Not Close With Your Family? Here's How To Have a Joyous And Connected Holiday Season

Last year, some of us celebrated the holidays apart from our families for the first time. COVID has brought with it many changes, some of them arguably positive (like increased flexibility to work from home), some difficult (such as the realization of vastly different political and social views between family and friends), and some horrible (obviously, the health implications of a global pandemic). However, for some of us, celebrating the holidays without family members isn't exclusively due to COVID. In addition to so many of us living in different areas than our families of origin, some of us simply don't have close bonds with the people we grew up around. Sometimes, this can cause loneliness.

If you're not close with your family members, the holidays can be a difficult time. This is doubly true if you don't have a close circle of friends to call upon. But make no mistake, if this sounds like your situation, you're not alone — there are thousands of other people going through the same struggles you are. We sat down with Irad Eichler, founder of Circles, a website that connects people who are sharing similar struggles, like heartbreak, grief, or loneliness. Here are some of Eichler's tips for coping — and even thriving! — during the holiday season when you're not planning on spending it with your family, for one reason or another.

Don't Fall For "Perfect Families" On Social Media

Laura Chouette

The first VERY important step to having a joyous holiday season when you're going it alone is to stop believing the narrative that others' family situations are perfect, Eichler says.

"Remember people only post a moment in time, and only the moments when they look their happiest and best."

In addition to the fact that everything you see on social media is curated for the 'gram, it's also important to remember that by focusing on what others have and you lack, you risk failing to see the great things at play in your own life.

"These holiday periods can become a time of focusing on who and what we don't have, rather than who or what we do, and can cause a negative spiral into depressing and dreadful feelings of inadequacy," says Eichler.

Gratitude is the reason for the season, after all. So instead of only seeing the negative, try some gratitude journal prompts to help you focus on what's actually really wonderful about your life right now.

Make An Effort To Deepen New Connections

Joel Muniz

While it may seem like everyone has friends and family to spend time with during the holiday season, that doesn't mean no one is available for deepening a blossoming relationship or new friendship.

"Make a list of people you can or would like to connect with, and try to reach out to at least one of them," advises Eichler.

Reaching out doesn't have to mean a big plan or an hour-long conversation. Even a quick text letting a friendly coworker know you're thinking about them can go a long way toward deepening the relationship and moving it in the direction of closer friendship.

Don't have an acquaintance in mind? Then it's time to make new acquaintances. What's more in line with the Christmas spirit than attending a Meetup or event full of people eager to make new friends?

"Join groups with similar interests to yours, such as hiking, baking, or games. Push your boundaries and be brave - you might find new people who have much in common with you."

Give Back

Priscilla Du Preez

The holiday season is a great time to focus on giving back to your community, and coincidentally, acts of generosity and kindness are known to reduce loneliness and help people feel happier. One study found that knowing a few of your neighbors and doing small acts of kindness for them — such as cheering them up, listening to them, mowing their lawn, providing advice about local business recommendations and job opportunities, and chatting over the fence — was statistically correlated with feeling less lonely and having a lower risk of depression.

Helping out elderly neighbors can be a particularly gratifying way to give back.

"Notice older lonely people in your neighborhood or community who might have no family at all, and offer to help them," says Eichler. "These can become mutually meaningful connections, and help you 'adopt' a grandparent."

Connect With Others Online

Thought Catalog

Finally, use the Internet for its highest and best purpose: to connect people. Whether you're using Meetup to find in-person events, digital forums for having conversations about special interests, or programs like Circle for getting support from others in your situation, the opportunities to create new connections are practically endless.

"There are many interest groups that can be found digitally, where or any person can connect with others in the same life stage, going through the same challenges, or who would like to explore the same interests," Eichler states. "Meaningful connections can be formed easily in these circumstances. The Internet enables us to find and connect to people all over the world who fit this, and to whom we can become more easily attached, as we are able to find people with the exact interests that energize us."

If you're struggling with loneliness, you're not alone. Connect with our digital community of makers and creatives here at Brit+Co by following us on IG and signing up for our newsletter!

This post has been updated.

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Bye, PSL! The Starbucks Holiday Menu For 2024 Is Back

So long, pumpkin spice season: Starbucks’ holiday menu has officially returned, and it brings back a ton of seasonal favorites!

In addition to the classic Peppermint Mocha to the beloved Caramel Brûlée Latte, a new Refresher flavor, 6 unique cold foams, and 4 new bakery items are now available at Starbucks locations as the holidays draw near – including many items we predicted! The lineup is honestly wild. The Starbucks holiday menu hit stores on November 7.

If you just can’t wait to order off the Starbucks holiday menu, here’s every offering available at your closest cafe!

When will the Starbucks holiday drinks for 2024 come out?

Starbucks

The new holiday drinks and snacks from Starbucks came out on November 7, 2024.

Will there be holiday cups?

Starbucks

Yes, the Starbucks holiday menu includes some new holiday cup designs! You can peek at all the new designs for 2024 here.

What's missing from this year's rumored Starbucks holiday menu?

Starbucks

The Eggnog Latte, Toasted White Chocolate Mocha, Irish Cream Cold Brew, and Gingerbread Loaf won't be returning to cafes for 2024. We're especially sad to see the Toasted White Chocolate Mocha not included, though the official menu lineup has yet to be released!

When is Starbucks Red Cup Day 2024?

Starbucks

Though there's no official word out about Red Cup Day for 2024, our best guess – based on the Red Cup Days of years past – is it'll return mid-November. In 2023, Red Cup Day fell on November 16. In 2022, the coffee chain held the event on November 17. Both dates landed on the third Thursday of November, so we predict it to hit on November 21 for 2024. Red Cup Day is when Starbucks customers can get a free reusable red cup when they order a seasonal drink off the holiday menu!

Drinks On The Starbucks Holiday Menu 2024

Starbucks

NEW! Cran-Merry Orange Refresher

This brand-new Refresher is packed with sweet orange, tart cranberry, and warm spice. It also has cranberry inclusions and is order-able mixed with water, lemonade or coconut milk.

Starbucks

Iced Gingerbread Oatmilk Chai

Chai is a totally underrated holiday flavor in our opinion. This iced drink is crafted with warm chai spices and creamy oat milk, then gets topped with even more frothed oat milk infused with gingerbread-flavored syrup and a sprinkling of spice.

Starbucks

Peppermint Mocha

You know it, and you love it! The Peppermint Mocha has hit Starbucks menus year after year, making it a total statement sip for the holiday season. This drink (available hot or iced) combines peppermint syrup, mocha sauce, and your milk of choice with espresso for a festive feel. It's traditionally topped with whipped cream and tasty chocolate curls.

Starbucks

Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha

Similar to the classic Peppermint Mocha, this bev swaps chocolate for white chocolate sauce.

Starbucks

Caramel Brûlée Latte

This Starbucks holiday menu drink is very rich. The sweet caramel brûlée sauce totally completes the sip, along with plenty of whipped cream and crunchy lil' brûlée bits for textural variety.

Starbucks

Sugar Cookie Almondmilk Latte

Literally like a sugar cookie in liquid form, this super-sweet latte is handcrafted with blonde espresso (it's sweeter and lighter than Starbucks' traditional espresso shots), sugar cookie syrup, and almond milk for a little bit of a lighter effect. It's finished off with red and green sprinkles to up the seasonal vibes even more!

Starbucks

Chestnut Praline Latte

This nutty latte brings on notes of chestnut and praline, which is a nice, flavorful departure from the very expected peppermint you'll see everywhere come holiday time.

Starbucks

Salted Pecan Crunch Cold Brew

Initially introduced for fall 2024, it appears as though the Salted Pecan Crunch Cold Brew will stay on the Starbucks menu well into winter. The salted, pecan-flavored cold foam offers that classic sweet n' salty twist you'd enjoy on fall snacks like trail mix or dipped pretzels. The best part is you can now also order the cold foam in non-dairy form!

Starbucks

Holiday Cold Foams

Starbs will also be bringing back four beloved holiday-flavored cold foamsand two new options for 2024. They're the perfect drink customization to add to your iced coffees and cold brews if you don't want to order an all-out holiday drink. See all the flavors below:

  • NEW! Gingerbread
  • NEW! Salted Pecan
  • Peppermint Chocolate
  • Sugar Cookie
  • Chestnut Praline
  • Caramel Brûlée

Snacks On The Starbucks Holiday Menu 2024

Starbucks

NEW! Dark Toffee Bundt

This sweet toffee-flavored bundt is topped with holly- and berry-shaped sprinkles. How perfect for the holiday season!

Starbucks

NEW! Turkey Sage Danish

This savory snack reportedly includes "turkey sausage with creamy béchamel sauce in a pastry." It sounds like Thanksgiving in a single treat, and we can't wait to try it!

Starbucks

NEW! Penguin Cookie

This cutie sugar cookie is decorated like a lil' penguin bundled up for the cold.

Starbucks

Snowman Cake Pop

Starbucks' classic vanilla cake pop gets a wintry twist with an adorable snowman face – this sweet really makes us crave the holiday season!

Starbucks

Sugar Plum Cheese Danish

This cream cheese-filled danish is topped with a slightly-spiced sugar plum jam. It's been one of our go-to's over the past few holiday seasons at Starbucks!

Starbucks

Cranberry Bliss Bar

The Cranberry Bliss Bar has become an absolute staple on the Starbucks holiday menu, and for good reason! This blondie treat is smothered in a delicious cream cheese frosting and sprinkled with orange zest and dried cranberries for added seasonal enjoyment.

What People Are Saying About The Leaked Starbucks Holiday Menu

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A post shared by Markie_devo (@markie_devo)

Famed foodie account @markie_devo was the first to leak the Starbucks holiday menu earlier this year. Though most commenters on @markie_devo's Starbucks holiday menu leak post seemed to be excited for the upcoming rumored menu items, some Starbs fans noticed a few things missing from the leaked lineup.

"Still missing eggnog 😢," someone noted.

"Where is the toasted white chocolate mocha 😢😢😢😢," another questioned.

"ALLLLLL these cold foams, and not the one people want: Irish Cream," one more commenter said.

"Ugh still no gingerbread loaf 😭," a disappointed user wrote. "Everything else looks bomb though!"

Despite the Eggnog Latte, Toasted White Chocolate Mocha, Irish Cream Cold Brew, and Gingerbread loaf not being part of this year's menu predictions, the holiday season is our favorite time of year at Starbucks. Many more users shared the same sentiment:

"So excited for all chestnut praline shaken espressos & cranberry bliss bars 🎄🎄🎄🎄," someone wrote.

"Oh hell yess all the chestnut praline offerings," another rejoiced.

Subscribe to our newsletter to stay posted on the latest Starbucks news, including when the official holiday menu lineup drops!

This post has been updated.

food newsstarbucksmenu leakholidaycoffeensfwfood

Zach Bryan & Brianna Chickenfry's Break Up Is COMPLICATED — Here's What To Know

Zach Bryan and Brianna "Chickenfry" LaPaglia's explosive breakup is everywhere right now. From his seemingly one-sided social media posts to all the bombshell revelations she keeps dropping, it's clear this split is NOT amicable. Both parties are dropping tons of lore, info, and everything in between — including new music?! — right now, so it makes sense if you can't keep up. Luckily, I'm here to help break this breakup down for you! Here's everything you need to know about Zach Bryan and Brianna Chickenfry's relationship...or lack thereof.

Neilson Barnard/Getty Images for The Recording Academy

October 22, 2024 – Zach Bryan Announces His Breakup With Brianna Chickenfry

On October 22, 2024, after some recent speculation that Zach Bryan and Brianna Chickenfry split up, Zach took to his Instagram stories. The country star said, "Addressing something: Brianna and me have broken up with [each other] and I respect and love her with every ounce of my heart. She has loved me unconditionally for a very long time and for that I'll always thank her."

He continued, noting, "I have had an incredibly hard year personally and struggled through some pretty severe things. I thought it would be beneficial for both of us to go our different ways. I am not perfect and never will be. Please respect Brianna's privacy and space in this and if you have it in your heart, mine too."

To wrap it all up, he closed by apologizing to his fans. He said, "With everything I am and to anyone I let down, I am sorry. I try my best in everything. I failed people that love me and mostly myself."

www.youtube.com

- YouTube

Brianna hopped on her own Instagram stories shortly there after. She posted, "Hey guys I'm feeling really blindsided right now. Gonna hop off social media for a while and attempt to heal privately, when I'm ready I'll be back and ready to talk. I love you guys so much thank you for all of your kind words. Remember you are so loved and everything's always gonna be okay 🫶"

The Brianna got on Youtube next, posting a raw, emotional video about the situation. Sitting on the floor of her bathroom, she opened up as much as she could in the moment about her breakup. She said, "I just woke up to Zach posting on his Instagram that we broke up and I had no idea that post was going up. He didn't text me, he didn't call me. I just woke up to a bunch of texts, like, 'Are you okay?'"

Brianna, with her teary eyes and red face, explained she's been crying for "five days straight." She said, "I'm at the point where it's like, how can you give someone everything and love them so unconditionally, like through stuff that you shouldn't because you just love them and you want them... like you see the good in them?"

The internet personality said that this is all "so embarrassing" and "really, really heartbreaking." She elaborated that the couple broke up on October 21, but wanted to process on her own and "didn't want it to be public."

Much like her Instagram story, she told her audience that she'll come back when she's ready.

www.youtube.com

- YouTube

November 7, 2024 — Brianna Claims Zach's Emotionally Abusive, Wanted $12Mil NDA

Well, it appears this week, Brianna decided she's ready. On Barstool Sports' BFF's Pod November 7, 2024, Brianna gave an inside look at the breakup unlike any other. Not only did she claim Zach was abusive, but she also alleged that he offered her a $12 million NDA to "not talk about the relationship."

After saying it's been the hardest year of her life, she said. "I'm still scared right now because I'm scared of him. My brain's rewired and I'm scared to make him mad and last week, I didn't want to talk about it 'cause I was scared."

Brianna then described the alleged emotional abuse. She noted that everything was cyclical and that he would build her up only to break her back down again. "There was always another excuse as to why he was treating me so poorly and why I'm crying myself to sleep every night, why he's screaming at me," she said. "And then you wake up, it's the apology, it's the 'I'm going to be better like I need you in my life,' but if you've been through this — I don't expect people to understand emotional abuse if you haven't been through it. I hope you never have to go through it but if you've been there you know what I'm talking about."

Not only does Brianna allege she was offered an NDA, but she said that other women that came before her had to sign their own agreements. She declined the offer because she didn't want to "sign away [her] experiences and what [she] went through to protect someone that hurt [her]." She also wanted to share this experience for other women who've suffered something similar.

And when it comes to the logistics of losing out on the famous lifestyle and alleged $12 million? She said, "It was never about the money — I was with the dude because I loved the dude."

Jason Kempin/Getty Images for Pilgrimage Music & Cultural Festival

November 8, 2024 — Zach Quit Touring Amid Abuse Allegations

On November 8, 2024, Zach posted on Instagram — where he clearly loves to share all his big news — that not only is his new single "High Road" out today, but that he's also ending his tour early. Read his full statement here:

After not being home for a year and a half I drove out to my mothers gravestone in the dead of night a few days back on familiar Oklahoma roads and I came to realize just like in the past, that she never would call me again

Told her I quit touring because I got accepted to get my masters in Paris next year, I told her I was back in Oklahoma, told her about all my best friends in New York and all the nights we howled with the moon, told her about the immeasurable laughter my band and me have shared these last five years, all the calluses on my finger tips, every tear shed, told her about making it on The Rolling Stone and most importantly told her about porch swinging with my beautiful sister.
I wrote the chorus for this song a month or two back and finished it when I realized I was blessed with all these things.

I figured it was about time I released it.

Thank you guys for listening to ‘This Worlds a Giant’ last night and thank you to all the people who love me; who have truly carried the weight with me.

Seems that all these Quiet Dreams have gotten much too heavy but I’m home now and I’ll hold you through the pain.

High Road is out today and I appreciate all of you"

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83 Budget-Friendly Finds Under $30 That'll Have You Gifting Ready This Season

Discover 83 Amazon products under $30 that are nothing short of pure gold. From stylish fashion finds to the latest beauty trends, these steals offer exceptional value without compromising on quality. We always ask, what's better than the perfect gift? Well, it's the gift that also doesn't break the bank! We're confident you'll find something in here to at least appease a few loved ones this holiday season.

Thanks for reading about our favorite finds from across the internet! FYI: We participate in affiliate programs and may get a share of the revenue from your purchase.