Lori Gottlieb Teaches Brit + Anj Therapy 101

1. Choose your battles ahead of time.

You're not going to change everyone's opinion about all of the things over the course of a meal and a football game. You might want to show up ready for a duel of words with your Facebook-meme-king cousin, but that's just going to put your opinionated family member on the offensive from the moment you walk in. Decide ahead of time if there's one issue that you really cannot keep your mouth shut about if it comes up, and have two or three talking points ready that clarify your position on that topic. If your hot button does get pushed, your talking points will help you keep from making things personal.

2. Confer with the host.

If you feel comfortable with the person that's organizing or hosting Thanksgiving, speak to him or her in advance about how you can be on Team Keep the Peace. Most people aren't keen on a political brouhaha breaking out around their dinner table, so they'll probably be relieved to hear that you're on board and willing to help make the day go smoothly for everyone. Brainstorm some ideas about seating arrangements or wholesome activities to fill the idle family time that can lead to trading barbs.

3. Make it a game.

Caitlin Bergstein, a Boston-based matchmaker and relationship expert for Three Day Rule, suggests a fun twist on the swear jar concept. “If your family is up for the challenge, you can even make it a game. Each time someone mentions something political, they have to put a dollar in a jar (or take a drink, depending on how your family celebrates the holiday). At the end of the night, that cash can be put aside for the next family get together!"

4. Have a moment of silence.

Sometimes the idea of a quiet table can be intimidating (all those chewing noises!), but encouraging a moment of reflection among your holiday guests can actually be transformative. Whether you observe several seconds of silence in honor of relatives you've lost, as a way to silently acknowledge your individual blessings, or as an act of prayer or meditation, you've hopefully brought the room back to focus on each other's company and the gift that it is to be together.

5. Be an active listener.

If your one doggedlypersistent aunt can't let go of her obsession with the latest political scandal, reconsider what she's actually trying to tell you. Chances are, it's not just about what she saw on the news. “Assume that your polarizing relative actually probably just wants to connect, feel respected, and reduce their own anxiety about holiday gatherings, and interpret even difficult behavior as such," advises Mary Fisher, a Salt Lake City psychotherapist who specializes in family relationships. “Express the desire to connect while redirecting the conversation," Fisher recommends. Emphasize the fact that you're interested in protecting the time your family spends together. That can help soften the blow when you ask to instead hear them share a family memory or talk about a hobby you both share.

6. Disengage.

Remember that if angry words or offensive language start flying at you across the sweet potato pie, you don't have to respond. Have a script in mind to use, something like, “While I hear where you're coming from, I don't share your opinion, and I'm done talking about it today." Convey the message that you're quite clear on the matter being discussed, and you're not going to take the bait. You may have to repeat yourself several times, or you may choose to remain silent until things cool down around you. Either one is okay.

7. Duck out early.

If you feel like you have to retreat from the situation entirely, do it. One of the best things about being an adult is leaving when you want to leave. You don't have to subject yourself, your spouse, or your family to any kind of dialogue that is insulting, bigoted, or aggressive. Fisher shares these words of advice: “While we might think that the holidays are the time to resolve differences, they are actually the time to affirm and nurture connection, which can be an uphill battle with politically polarizing relatives." If you don't feel like a connection is being nurtured and the environment is not good for you to be in, say goodbye and make a break for it.

1. Have something go seriously wrong at work? A quick (& private) adult tantrum can help you express those emotions.

Even if you're one of the lucky people who love their job, nothing indicates things will go smooth sailing every day. Some times projects fall through because of miscommunication, misunderstandings, or a vindictive co-worker who looks to throw you under the bus every chance they get. Either way, it's sure to stir up big feelings that you may not know how to properly deal with.

As much as you may be trying to avoid this, having an adult 'tantrum' may be the very thing you need to do. Phelan says, "A tantrum can be a quick way to release pent-up frustration or anger."

2. Saw something crazy on your drive to Target? Adult tantrums actually help reduce cortisol in the body!

We've all had a front row seat to another driver's reckless behavior in traffic that's left us feeling rattled. We may have begun to grip our steering wheels even tighter despite developing sweaty palms. By the time we make it to our destination, we're likely on edge and in fight-or-flight mode. But instead of holding that energy in, Phelan suggests releasing it. "Releasing emotions and moving energy helps to regulate the nervous system and alleviate tension in the body," she says.

3. Journaling not your thing? Adult tantrums totally count as another way to express what's on your mind.

if you're not a fan of utilizing journal prompts or checking in with yourself, you may not know why you feel so upset about something. This can cause you to feel sad one minute and agitated the next. However, allowing yourself to have meltdowns can help you figure out what's bothering you so much.

Phelan says, "They can help clarify underlying emotional needs or frustrations." Not only that, but she says there's a reason why tantrums happen in the first place. "When we reach the point of having a tantrum, things have often been bubbling under the surface for some time, so reaching this breaking point can be a sign that something internal is needed our attention or to be expressed."

4. Did your partner make another passive-aggressive comment? An adult tantrum can help you figure out why you haven't talked to them about how that hurts your feelings!

While this is just an example of a way that you need to set boundaries, it's still a valid one that some people can unfortunately relate to. I'm currently saying a silent prayer for my 19-year-old self who dealt with a passive-aggressive partner.

But, are there healthy ways to have an adult tantrum?

According to Phelan, yes! I know this contradicts everything we've been taught in our communities about tantrums, but they don't have to look like the outbursts we've seen on social media. In her honest opinion, here are 5 ways to express yourself:

1. In Private: Choose a safe, quiet place to express emotions.
2. Physical Movement: Engage in activities like stomping, shaking, or throwing a pillow to physically move the stagnant, stuck energy.
3. Breathing & Grounding: Use deep breathing or grounding exercises to manage intensity and release pent up emotions.
4. Vocal Release: Scream into a pillow or use sound for catharsis.
5. Journaling: Write down the intense emotions to release them without acting out.

Similar to Phelan's suggestions, Michelle also shares her top tips for having a "productive" tanrum:

• Find a private, judgment-free space.
• Use physical movement like stomping or shaking.
• Let emotions out vocally, but intentionally (a sigh or growl works better than a scream).
• Set a timer for just a few minutes.
• Reflect afterward: What does that part of you need?

In Michelle’s words:
"Set a timer, yell into a pillow, and ask yourself: What does this part of me need? (Just don’t scare your kids or get fired from your job!)”

Just because tantrums aren't horrific doesn't mean we're giving you a pass to be rude to others or have them whenever you want. Phelan warns, "They're inappropriate in certain settings, such as work environments and public places. They are also of course inappropriate if they involve harming yourself or others in any way." Hession says something similar in that she wants you to "avoid tantrums in public, around children, or at work" because "they can cause misunderstandings or even harm." It goes without saying, but violence is never the answer!

Also, Phelan and Hession want you to pay attention to how often you're using this as a way to calm down. "If tantrums become a consistent occurrence, healthier coping strategies are needed and therapy is a great place to start learning them," she suggests. Hessions feels that recurrent tantrums "may indicate unresolved trauma that's worth exploring in therapy."

Basically, therapy is always a great idea!

The Life Cycle of the Common Octopus by Emma Knight

Penn should be excited about advancing her education at the University of Edinburgh, but she can't stop thinking about the secret her parents have been keeping from her. For some reason, she believes she'll uncover it while she's in Scotland because Lord Lennox — her father's friend — is in the area.

Her hunger for the truth leads her to Lord Lennox's estate where she she starts mingling with his family and even discovers love in this moving novel.

Jenna Bush Hager's Thoughts About The Life Cycle of the Common Octopus