Lori Gottlieb Teaches Brit + Anj Therapy 101

What are signs of a healthy relationship?

Before we jump into how to recognize you're in a codependent relationship, I think it's important to talk about what a healthy one looks like.

Lamar says, "Healthy relationships are all about mutual respect and support," before outlining the five components they're made of.

1. Strong Communication: You feel comfortable talking openly and honestly with each other, even about difficult topics. You listen actively and try to understand each other's perspectives.
2. Trust and Respect: You trust each other's judgment and intentions. You value each other's opinions and feelings, even if they differ from your own.
3. Healthy Boundaries: You both have a sense of independence and individuality while still being committed to the relationship. You respect each other's need for time with friends and family and for personal pursuits.
4. Support and Encouragement: You celebrate each other's successes and offer encouragement during challenges. You support each other’s goals and dreams while also maintaining your own individual identities and interests.
5. Healthy Conflict Resolution: Disagreements are inevitable, but healthy relationships approach them in a calm and respectful manner. You focus on finding solutions together rather than blaming or criticizing each other.

What are codependent relationships?

Now that we know more about healthy relationships, it's time to peel back the layers of codependency. It can be confusing if you're seeing the term on social media without fully understanding what it means.

One thing Lamar says is that "All relationships require some level of give and take, but when there is an imbalance, that may be a sign of codependency." The question is what does that mean exactly?

"A person with codependent tendencies is someone deeply impacted by another person's actions and can become fixated on trying to control their behavior," she explains. Ironically, this is actually really common in relationships. She further explained that an estimated 10% to 20% of people have codependent traits, but it's not easy to figure out how much it affects people due to other factors.

"...it often overlaps with other mental health conditions and varies widely among different populations. This makes it difficult to compare studies. Also, codependency can exist on a spectrum from mild to severe. Someone might exhibit some codependent traits without meeting the criteria for a full-blown issue," Lamar says.

However, she did say codependency is more common in the following scenarios:

• People who have experienced early-life trauma
• People in relationships with someone struggling with addiction
• People who have specific personality traits like anxiety or low self-esteem

As with anything where we feel like we're oversharing or going the extra mile to offer reassurance, this can cause us to feel more stress than we should. Lamar agrees and says, "It's important to recognize that these relationships often feel one-sided and can lead to burnout, resentment, and emotional distress. Codependency can also develop in various relationships, romantic or not."

How can two people recognize if they're in a codependent relationship?

So, how do you know if you're in a codependent relationship or not? Like my therapist once told me, patterns tell the truth whether we want them to or not.

"These may include a lack of boundaries, where one person is consistently giving more than they are receiving. One partner may feel a persistent need to fix or rescue the other, leading to an imbalance of power and responsibility," Lamar points out.

Remember what she said about relationships being give or take? It turns out there's a such thing as doing too much giving or caring to the point of thinking you have the power to eliminate every single problem someone has. Also, you or your partner may have been doing certain things just to keep the peace in your relationship.

Ultimately Lamar says, "If the happiness or stability of the relationship depends overwhelmingly on one person’s actions or emotional state, it’s a strong indicator of codependency."

Are there steps couples can take to change the nature of their codependent relationship?

We're not here to scare you into thinking you have to break up with your partner if you recognize any of these signs though. There's actually hope for you to create a healthier dynamic, according to Lamar. They look like:

• Establishing Boundaries: Clearly defining and respecting each other’s personal boundaries is crucial.
• Developing Individual Interests: Encouraging and supporting each other in pursuing individual hobbies and interests can help maintain a sense of self.
• Improving Communication: Open and honest communication about needs, feelings, and concerns helps to build mutual respect and understanding.
• Seeking Therapy: Couples therapy or individual counseling can provide a safe space to explore and address underlying issues contributing to codependency.
• Practicing Self-Care: Both partners should prioritize their own well-being, ensuring they are mentally and emotionally healthy.

She wants you to remember that "It's important to remember that change takes time and effort. Be patient and celebrate each other's progress."

Take it from someone who's been in a relationship for a decade — time and effort can make a difference if both people are committed to becoming healthier versions of themselves.

When should couples separate if they're in a codependent relationship?

But, I know not all relationships have a fairytale ending. Some of them venture into harmful territory where a separation or breakup is not only inevitable, but also recommended. "Separation may be advised when efforts to address codependency are unsuccessful, and the relationship continues to be detrimental to one or both individuals' well-being," Lamar mentions.

The signs that it's time to end your codependent relationship are:

• Abusive Behavior: If there's any physical, emotional, or verbal abuse, separation might be crucial for safety and well-being.
• No Improvement: If one of the partners is not willing to work on the relationship or change codependent behaviors, separation might be necessary.
• Constant Unhappiness: If the relationship is causing constant unhappiness and one or both partners feel drained, it might be time to prioritize individual well-being.

What is climate anxiety?

Climate anxiety is, essentially, feeling distressed in response to climate change and its effects on our lives, the environment, and humanity at large. It’s not only correlated with feeling anxious, though. Climate anxiety can bring about emotions such as worry, despair, hopelessness, shame, fear, grief, anger, existentialism, and impending doom.

According to Merritt Juliano JD LCSW, feelings of climate anxiety can range from minor to severe.

“Climate anxiety can lead to daily feelings of upset and distress, severe cognitive changes such as intrusive thoughts, difficulty sleeping, difficulty connecting with others, angry outbursts, and an overall preoccupation with the planetary health crisis,” said Juliano. “This can lead to difficulty enjoying life, and an overall deterioration in one’s emotional, psychological and social well-being.”

These feelings are most commonly attributed to environmental factors, but Janice Overbeck, director and producer at 2050 Pictures, notes that it might not be the sole cause.

“People like to be in control of themselves and their futures – it gives a sense of assurance," said Overbeck. “By feeling like large, world-changing issues are out of control, people can be left to feel small, lost, and at times, hopeless. These feelings can quickly spiral into despair and overall lack of enthusiasm for life with the future being so unknown.”

How does climate anxiety affect us?

Society's collective, growing anxiety about climate change has prompted individuals to look to the future with quite an existential lens. The question about having kids versus not is a huge consideration for many young people, according to Lea Flego, MA, LMFT, but the ‘right’ answer isn’t so black-and-white:

“Reducing the population does decrease the demands on natural resources, which is positive for the planet we call home,” said Flego. “However, raising children with eco-friendly values contributes to a generation with raised consciousness around climate issues and a stronger motivation to take action that disrupts the human-driven practices contributing to climate change and implement strategies to restore and protect the environment.”

More than anything, climate anxiety can call into question how we really live within our current industrial society. Though we may have good intentions for the planet, it can be challenging to maintain a climate-friendly lifestyle on our own. Oftentimes, sustainable choices can be expensive and inaccessible, especially for those living in middle to lower socioeconomic populations. Honestly, a lot of our environmental impact is left up to the ‘big guy,’ or a handful of larger corporations that contribute to carbon emissions and landfill waste, making it harder for a single person to feel like they can realistically make a difference.

“I feel that climate anxiety is less around individual guilt, and more tied to a concern for the way society is handling it,” said Overbeck. “This system that we have in place makes it difficult for the average person to make fully climate-conscious decisions.”

Julia Baum, MSEd, BFA, LMHC notes that though climate anxiety isn’t an “official diagnosis,” nor included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), “there is growing awareness and discussion about climate anxiety in the mental health field.” Feelings of climate anxiety can certainly exacerbate existing mental health issues, such as obsessive compulsive disorder, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder. If these mental health conditions compound on one another, it can hinder individuals from living to their full potential.

“[Climate distress] can lead to difficulty enjoying life, and an overall deterioration in one’s emotional, psychological and social well-being,” said Juliano. “At the extreme end, one may struggle with suicidal thoughts, and lack of concern for paying bills, rent, or saving money based on the belief that it doesn’t matter ‘if the world is ending.’”

Despite the dread of it all, the experts we’ve spoken to generally denounce believing the idea that ‘it doesn't matter.’ Seeing that climate anxiety can have serious impacts on our mental state and quality of life, doing the best we can with what we have is a much more effective (and accepted) approach for addressing climate anxiety – and, good news for you, there is real purpose to be found, even if you’re feeling climate-anxious.

“Anxiety tends to be unhealthy when your outlook on climate change and its projected impacts is rigid or extreme,” said Baum. “We need to find a way to take meaningful action within the areas we can influence and find a way to psychologically adjust to what we cannot, as difficult as that may be, to avoid additional suffering.”

7 Tips For Dealing With Climate Anxiety

If you’re dealing with climate anxiety, here are 7 tips on how to address and manage it.

1. Speak with a therapist.

There are many effective treatments for tackling general anxiety, such as therapy sessions, mindfulness practices, and support groups. These methods can *also* help you develop helpful thought patterns surrounding climate change.

“Climate change does affect us all, but if it is taking a significant toll on your mental health and general outlook on life, you owe it to yourself to discuss these concerns with a professional who can help,” said Overbeck. “By taking hold of your mental health, you are regaining a sense of control in your life that is needed to begin feeling better.”

Matter of fact, as climate anxiety becomes more common, more therapists are being trained and certified as eco-therapists, according to Flego. Eco-therapists are well-versed in climate complications, their impacts on mental health, as well as treatments that might work better for addressing climate anxiety.

“As a therapist, I address climate anxiety by first providing a space to share the thoughts and feelings related to climate change and validate them,” said Flego. “I also teach coping skills for managing feelings of anxiety and engage my clients in activities that explore and strengthen their connection to nature and adopt behaviors that align with eco-conscious values.”

2. Find your place in a like-minded community.

Meeting others that have the same outlook as you can be helpful. Maybe they’re struggling with the same feelings, too!

“In times of fear and change, community can be an important part of feeling safe and heard,” said Overbeck. “Spending time with like-minded people can make one feel less alone in their concerns.”

3. Engage in activism.

Taking action in your community can help you regain a sense of agency over climate-friendly policies or actions that benefit the earth. You could attend a trash cleanup, go to a community garden, or write to your local policymakers about climate change.

4. Talk about your feelings.

Confiding in friends, family, or even just journaling on your own can help you sort out your internal feelings about climate change, and the anxiety it may cause. In talks, you could consider your current outlook on the environment and the actions you can take to become more aligned with your true values. Just remember:

“There are no universal rules or ethics,” said Baum. “There are no correct or incorrect answers. The individual is responsible for choosing, and the positive, negative, and neutral consequences that ensue are theirs as well.”

5. Take a break from the news.

Overbeck recognizes that the news can be discouraging. Sometimes it’s okay to unplug from it! If you find doing that difficult, and you have to keep reading, she offers some advice:

“Consider checking whether the news you consume is fully negative when climate change is discussed. Does this article give any positive updates being reported? This does not mean that climate news will be fully solution-oriented and positive, but finding a balance between the two can be an important way to stay on top of the facts while learning ways you can feel hopeful.”

6. Spend time in nature.

Spending time in nature is *so* grounding, and can help you remember why you love the Earth in the first place. Venturing out and witnessing the planet’s beauty can also serve as a reminder that there’s still good things to see out there. Go for a hike! Hop on your bike! There's a whole world waiting for you.

7. Focus on what you *can* control.

“You are here on this planet given a certain amount of time to experience it to the fullest,” said Overbeck. “Allow yourself to achieve your goals, explore our world, and do your best to make a difference for the better.”

And it’s true. We can only do the best with what we know to do. There’s so much life to live, and allowing climate anxiety to creep in on its greatest moments can take away from the joy you were meant to experience.

“No one can predict how the planetary health crisis will unfold,” said Juliano. “Where there is uncertainty, there is always hope. The challenge for humanity at this time is to learn how to live with uncertainty. Given the uncertainty, how then do we wish to live?”

Who's in the Funny Story cast?

We don't have an official cast for the Funny Story movie yet, but my pick for Daphne is Lily Collins. And for Miles? Like most of the internet, I'm hoping we see Dylan O'Brien as Miles! He has the earnest, free spirit that make Miles so special — and he's totally down to do the movie if he gets the chance.

"I'm a fan of Emily Henry's, I've had friends who've turned me on to her books and I know a lot of them are now just beginning to get brought to the screen," he says on an episode of the Silence on Set podcast. "[Starring in Funny Story] is certainly not a no for me, I love the rom-com space, I've always wanted to do a rom-com and I feel like we're finally entering a little bit of a Renaissance with that...[But] I have no emails. Unless I've missed one."

Is there a Funny Story movie?

Yes, we're getting a movie inspired by Emily Henry's Funny Story! The story follows children's librarian Daphne, who is stuck in her ex's hometown when he breaks off their engagement to get together with his childhood best friend Petra. With nowhere left to turn, Daphne moves in with Petra's ex Miles. Their friendship starts on shaky ground, but it doesn't take long for Daphne and Miles to come up with a plan to get back at their exes — if they don't fall for each other first.

Who's writing the script for Funny Story?

Emily Henry is writing the script for the Funny Story movie! She knows the material better than anyone so this script is going to capture the magic of the book perfectly.

Who else is involved?

While Funny Story doesn't have a director yet, we do know that Lyrical Media’s Alexander Black & Natalie Sellers and Ryder Picture Company's Aaron Ryder & Andrew Swett will produce.

When did Funny Story by Emily Henry come out?

Funny Story was released on April 23, 2024.