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The FIRO framework looks at three different types of interpersonal needs:

• Inclusion, our need to belong. How much do you need to be part of a group? How much do you want to be included by other people in their groups, and how much do you want to include others in your group?
• Control, our need for influence. How much to you need to have clear direction and structure in your relationships, both on a one-to-one level and in groups
• Affection, our need for intimacy. How important is it for you to have close personal relationships with other people at a one-to-one level?

The FIRO looks at two different aspects for each of these areas. First, how much of that need is expressed to others, how much of that behavior we initiate to others. For Inclusion, for example, how much do we try to include other people in our activities – your FIRO Expressed Inclusion score. It also looks at how much we want from others.

• For Inclusion: How much do we need other people to include us in their group and involve us in their activities? Wanted Inclusion.
• For Control: The extent to which we try to influence and control others, and how much we want to be in an environment that provides us with structure and clarity. Expressed Control and Wanted Control.
• For Affection: How much we try to be warm and friendly to others, and how much we want others to be warm and friendly to us. Expressed and Wanted Affection.

That gives scores; Expressed and Wanted Inclusion,Expressed and Wanted Control,Expressed and Wanted Affection. And we can have a high, medium, or low score for each of these six areas.

So how can this explain why someone might be misunderstood? Well, this can happen when someone’s expressed and wanted scores are different. Let’s look at an example. Joe has high Expressed Inclusion, but low Wanted Inclusion. He wants to involve lots of people in his activities but doesn’t want them to include him in their activities. He’s likely seen by others as outgoing and sociable, but he also has a real need for privacy.

Because people see his high Expressed Inclusion, his friends are likely to invite or include him more than he wants to be, and he’ll refuse some of those invitations – which might leave them feeling hurt or otherwise harm the friendship. But knowing his FIRO profile will give Joe the language to describe his behavior and keep the friendship alive.

Of course, our interpersonal needs involve other people too. Let’s look at Joe alongside his friend Joan. Joe has high Expressed Inclusion and low Wanted Inclusion. Joan has low Expressed Inclusion and high Wanted Inclusion. This might make for a good relationship. Joe wants to include Joan (high Expressed Inclusion), and she wants to be included (high Wanted Inclusion). Joan doesn’t much want to include other people in her activities (low Expressed Inclusion), and that’s fine with Joe, who doesn’t much want to be included (low Wanted Inclusion).

However, things might be a little different on Affection. Joe has high Expressed Affection and high Wanted Affection. Joan is low on both. Joe wants to be warm and friendly with Joan, to get a connection, but Joan, with low Wanted Affection, doesn’t want that. And Joe is looking for warm and friendly behavior from Joan, which she probably doesn’t want to express. This may be an area where understanding their FIRO results helps them to understand why their relationship may sometimes be strained, and gives them the knowledge they need to make that relationship work.

So take a moment to think about your relationships, your friendships. Are there places where your best friend doesn’t seem to understand you, or you them? Are there times when they don’t quite seem to give you what you need, or vice versa? Maybe understanding your interpersonal needs, or knowing your FIRO profile, could help.

What are your hobbies?

My favorite thing to do when talking to a new friend is to ask them how they spend their time. Because while school and work can have elements of responsibility or obligation, hobbies are pure fun! This is a good question to open your small talk with because it'll help you both loosen up and think about something you love to do. Plus, if you end up learning you share a hobby, you have even more to talk about! (As I discovered during my conversation with author Yulin Kuang!)

What's your favorite way to unwind?

If you want your conversation to feel more relaxed, well, ask about relaxation! Whether your new friend does yoga, they spend a half hour doing skincare, or they read a book chapter every night, this question is sure to get a positive response. Speaking of books...

What are you watching or reading right now?

There are so many movies, TV shows, and books out right now that you're both bound to be in the middle of one title or another. I can (and do) spend hours upon hours talking about my favorite TV shows. This is one small talk question that can make even the most awkward convo enjoyable.

What fictional character is closest to your personality?

And if the TV conversation goes well, take it a step farther by asking which fictional character your new friend relates to the most. It'll give you a little more insight into their personality, and it's just plain fun.

Which Taylor Swift era are you in?

If you and your acquaintance are both Taylor Swift fans, dive deep into your current eras. Whether you're in your Lover era or you're embracing the carefree chaos of 1989, this is the perfect excuse to queue up your Taylor Swift playlist.

Are you a morning person or a night person?

If you're both morning people, you can bond over how nice it is to be the early birds, while two night people will have plenty to talk about when it comes to nightlife or the best places to look at the stars. And if you're opposites, you can give each other tips!

Are you a chocolate person, vanilla person, or neither?

I don't know about y'all, but I refuse to order ice cream unless it's chocolate. I love consistently knowing what to expect. Maybe your new friend feels the same way, or they prefer the spontaneity of ordering a new flavor every single time. Either way, it'll give you a look at their personality AND lead you to the ice cream store. It's a win-win.

What fruit are you?

My current go-to question was born out of my interview with The Outsiders cast (in honor of character Cherry Valance). My current answer is strawberry for a few simple reasons: you know what you're in for, it can be super sweet, and on a good day, it's the same on the inside at the outside.

What's something you're proud of this year?

It's crazy that we're halfway through 2024! Let the conversation take an exciting turn by remembering something fun, memorable, and beautiful.

What's one thing you want to check off your bucket list this year?

But don't spend all your time talking about the past! Think ahead to the second half of the year and talk about a dream or goal you have. It can be as small as finally ordering frames for your gallery wall or as big as scoring a promotion.

Where do you want to travel?

Summer's not over yet! Daydream about somewhere you'd like to see one day, like Italy or Seoul. And in the meantime, plan a day trip somewhere close by :).

When's the best time to do holiday shopping?

The best time to do holiday shopping really all depends on your personal shopping goals. Do you want to get a jump on items you know will sell out soon? Do you want to save the most money possible? Do you want to focus on handmade, personalized gifts? These factors will undoubtedly influence your holiday shopping schedule.

Shopping early can be advantageous for all of the aforementioned goals. A lot of retailers start promoting their holiday products early on, giving you ample time to snatch up that limited-time lip kit or fancy water bottle you’ve been eyeing way before the holidays.

Plus, some of the best deals for holiday shopping happen ahead of Black Friday and Cyber Monday – in 2023, Experian observed a surge in early spending in October, thanks to early discounts, a trend likely to continue in 2024.

Finally, shopping early can be especially helpful if your plan is to focus on handmade or personalized gifts, giving the artisan you buy from (or yourself, if you’re DIY-ing your gifts) plenty of time to craft the item with love and care.

Gallup reported in 2023 that one in four shoppers start shopping as early as September, a trend likely to continue in 2024 – so you might already be embarking on your shopping spree!

If right now is just still too darn early for you to start holiday shopping, Black Friday and Cyber Monday are some of the best times to shop since so many retailers offer their largest discounts of the entire year. Plus, the late November-early December timeline can feel a bit more appropriate for the gifting season opposed to late October-early November, when everyone’s still recovering from Halloween.

The only thing to consider during this time is the shipping timelines for the items you purchase – but most retailers will typically advise their specific shipping schedules, so you don’t risk your goodies arriving late.

Where should I shop for gifts?

You have three main options when it comes to where to shop for holiday gifts: online, in-store, and via our amazing gift guides. Of course, each method has its advantages and disadvantages.

Shopping in-store offers a tangible experience: the opportunity to hold specific items in your hands and gauge exactly what they’ll be like when you give them as a gift. The pitfall with shopping in-person is that it typically requires a commute and journeys through potentially very busy malls and shopping strips, which can add to the already-stressful holiday experience.

In-store shopping can be more physically exhausting, but it’s all about preference! Sometimes strolling through the stores that get all dolled up for Christmas is the best part of the season.

Per Google, 65% of those planning to shop for the holidays say they will shop online more. Shopping for gifts online can be super helpful since you can centralize your findings in your browser’s bookmark tab or via virtual cart(s). Plus, shopping online can pose more opportunities for saving some money: lots of retailers typically offer discount codes for online users, especially if you sign up for their digital marketing channels (like email and text) and make a purchase.

Shopping online isn’t just shopping, either. The internet can be a stellar research tool to help you vet whether certain products are worth it, where they can be bought, and when they’ll be available. In fact, Google reported that more than half of U.S. holiday shoppers who went into a store last year say they looked up product reviews online and/or located an item in-store by checking it online.

Last but not least, scrolling gift guides has to be our favorite place to shop for gifts – and not just because we write and publish them.

At their very core, gift guides help streamline the holiday shopping process, alleviating the stress that bubbles up when you’re wondering what the heck to shop for in the first place. Our gift guides are backed by real people, real experiences, and real opinions from our editorial team. We only promote products that we really love and believe in, oftentimes ones we’ve tested and reviewed ourselves.

We have gift guides for just about everyone on your list, with more on the way! Check ‘em out:

• Gifts for Him
• Gifts for Her
• Gifts for Foodies
• DIY + Handmade Gifts
• White Elephant Gifts
• Gift Sets

What are the best kinds of gifts to give?

The best kinds of gifts to give are thoughtful gifts that consider the giftee’s interests, wants, and needs. These gifts can be sentimental, practical, or both simultaneously. What matters most in a gift is that it’ll be meaningful to them past just the holiday season, whether it’s helping them get through daily tasks, reminding them of a memorable trip or event, or giving them small doses of joy.

“Shoppers are increasingly looking for personalized and unique gifts that reflect the recipient's personality and interests,” says Mia Anderson, Owner of ChicSew. “With the rise of online shopping, many consumers are opting for curated gift boxes or experiences that add a special touch.”

Gift boxes, personalized items, books of interest, self-care goodies, and even gift cards can all be thoughtful gifts depending on the recipient. If you have no clue what your giftee is into, it’s not a bad idea to ask them what they want the most!

“My idea of a great gift is something that is in tandem with the recipient's interest and offers something new to the person, be it learning a new skill, enjoying a calming activity, or simply spending quality time with the family,” says Alfred Christ, Sales Manager & Marketer at Robotime. “This season, we encourage shoppers to shift their focus on quality and the memories their gifts will create and not just merely material aspects.”

When is Black Friday?

Black Friday is always the Friday after Thanksgiving. This year, Black Friday lands on November 29.

When is Cyber Monday?

Cyber Monday is typcally the Monday after Thanksgiving. This year, Cyber Monday will land on December 2. Oftentimes, retailers and brands extend their online offers through the week (coined Cyber Week) after the event. Salesforce reported that 67% of shoppers in 2024 plan on shopping during Cyber Week!