Meeting your partner's family for the first time can be nerve-wracking because you're never sure what to expect. Even the most confident person may start asking themselves, "Do I have something in my teeth?" or "What if their grandma thinks I'm a clown?" Trust me, no one wants to get on grandma's bad side.
Take it from someone who's witnessed a few 'Meet The Family' moments when I say there are embarrassing things you never want to do when the time comes. First impressions aren't always everything, but it doesn't mean your partner's family won't judge you if you do something that's awkward or inappropriate.
But, don't worry! Psychotherapist Rachel Goldberg, LMFT, PMH-C works with her own clients on preparing for these milestone moments, and she's ready to share some tips with you! As the founder of Rachel Goldberg Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she specializes in things like eating disorders, family counseling, anxiety, and depression — so she knows what she's talking about!
To help prep you for the big day, here are 10 things you definitely want to avoid doing when you first meet your partner's family! With these tips in tow, you'll be ready for anything, be it that big annual barbecue, or an intimate family dinner.
1. Putting On A Front
Just like no one likes when someone is rude or passive-aggressive, people also don't like when it seems like you're being overly nice or fake to win them over. Goldberg says, "When meeting a romantic partner's family for the first time, first it's important to be genuine. Putting on a front sets unrealistic expectations moving forward." No matter what you do, your true personality and characteristics are going to shine through eventually.
You may not want to hear this, but she also says it might not be a good idea to introduce your family to someone who should come with a "shock factor" warning. "If someone has a tendency toward crudeness or is passionate about controversial topics, they should keep that at bay for the time being."
2. Dressing Inappropriately
"Dressing appropriately for the occasion, while staying true to their personal style, is important," says Goldberg. I'm one of the most open-minded people you'll ever meet, but I'm telling you now that you're going to get a ton of side eyes if you show up to a family dinner wearing something that would make someone clutch their imaginary pearls. Stay away from the deep v-necks, short skirts, and sheer materials — you'll thank me later!
3. Calling Your Partner A Suggestive Nickname
Sigh. There's plenty of discourse about whether or not you should call your partner 'Daddy' in the first place, but please don't call your partner this — or any other suggestive nickname — in front of their family. Some people may offer a knowing smirk, or think it's funny, but it doesn't make it any less embarrassing. There are plenty of nicknames and cute pet names you can use, but when in doubt: be very mindful and demure.
4. Being Critical Of The Cooking
If you're going to a barbecue or holiday gathering at your partner's family's home, it's possible the menu may not be your favorite. The food may even be served potluck style, so should you come across a dish that doesn't look appetizing...don't let your intrusive thoughts win by asking who made it.
Everyone knows what it means if a person asks that, and it won't make the cook in question feel very good. For all you know, your partner's mom may have been trying something new and was already nervous about it. No matter who actually prepared what, it's easier to politely decline something instead of being rude about it. "Criticism of the environment or their partner should be kept in check," says Goldberg.
Instead, she says you can offer to "help with tasks like setting up the table or cleaning up." This will leave a much better impression!
5. Purposely Bringing Up Controversial Topics
Every family is different, from their religion to their political beliefs to how they play Monopoly. While you may dig into those differences further down the line in your relationship, it's probably best to keep it light the first time you meet them.
Goldbeg says, "Maintaining a positive attitude is another key component. They should avoid making underhanded comments about their partner or bringing up issues they are unhappy with. Controversial topics, especially politics or culturally sensitive matters, should be avoided till the relationships are better established or in some cases should never be brought up."
IF someone else brings up a controversial topic that makes you feel uncomfortable, you can excuse yourself from the table so you can collect your thoughts. However, don't be the one to start an awkward conversation about religion, politics, or otherwise — it'll save you from a lot of potential awkwardness later.
5. Drinking Too Much
If you want to enjoy a drink or two, that's fine! Chances are someone will be doing the same, so that's not embarrassing. Getting drunk until you're slurring your speech or stumbling all over the place is a completely different story, though. All it'll do is signal that you're unable to know when you've had enough, and this could make your partner's family think you're irresponsible. You can have a good time, but just be sure to be mindful and pace yourself!
7. Refusing To Talk To Anyone Unless Your Partner Is In The Room
I get it. Your nerves may be bad or you might hate small talk. But, you can't get to know your partner's family and vice versa unless you talk to them. People will notice if you and your partner or only comfortable talking to each other.
And if your partner does decide to join in on the conversation, make sure you don't make jokes that poke fun at them too much — it may fall flat. "They should be mindful of making jokes at their partner's expense, such as "oh now I see where they get that from." These can be fun and light, but it's always best to be more of an observer at that first meeting than taking the lead and potentially leaving a bad impression," Goldberg advises.
Want to truly make a good impression? She encourages you to talk to "as many family members as possible" instead of zoning in on one person, or no one at all.
8. Saying You Hate Kids — Especially If They're Present
I respect anyone who chooses to be child-free, but making it a part of your personality every chance you get means you're bound to say something that rubs your partner's family the wrong way.
It's one thing to be sure you don't want to have kids, but talking about how much you hate children — especially if they're around and very much a part of the family — is beyond cringe. You're bound to not only shock your partner's family, but you'll also piss someone off. If you don't want someone to judge you for choosing not to have kids, don't judge them for choosing the opposite.
9. Looking At Your Phone The Entire Time
The family is definitely gonna want to chat with you or your partner, but it'll be hard if you're too focused on your phone. Goldberg says, "It's important to stay off their phone and be fully present during this first meeting."
Your partner's family will either think you're rude or too nervous to try to get to know them. Either way, it's pretty embarrassing! Instead, I'd put my phone on 'Do Not Disturb' and try to be more in the moment!
Looking for more relationship advice? Be sure to sign up for our newsletter!
Header image via Askar Abayev
