Younger me had zero concept of what it meant to outgrow friends. I'm honestly positive I didn't properly break up with a former friend before, and if I'm being honest...I ghostedthem because I couldn't handle the realization that I was holding on to a version of a person that no longer existed. This interaction (or lack thereof) haunted me for over a year afterwards.
What's surprising is how many people are unable to tell they're outgrowing their friends, too. It's almost as if an entire generation grew up with the belief we'd always be friends with our "day ones." I mean, sometimes lifelong friendships do happen but where's the solace for the ones who can feel themselves being pulled in different directions?
To help make things clearer, I spoke with Licensed Psychotherapists Monica Amorosi, LMHC, NCC, CCPT of Clarity Therapy NYC and Angela Ficken, LICSW of Progress Wellness to share how you can be aware that you're outgrowing friends and what to do about it.
What are some signs that you're outgrowing friends?
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Although you may not always know what to look for when wondering why you and your friends aren't as close anymore, there are usually signs that indicate a shift has taken place. On the other hand, it's possible you have an idea but are afraid to broach the topic of ending your friendships because of how deep your bond is with them. Amorosi said, "There can be grief around ending a friendship and there can be a lot of sunk-cost rationales in staying connected to a friend we are no longer close to."
That being said, she and Ficken said a few of the signs to be aware of are:
- Feeling like your needs aren't being met
- Feeling like you need to cross your boundaries or shrink expectations to maintain the connection
- Being overwhelmed or dreading seeing them
- Ideas of fun and how you spend time together are no longer compatible
- When one or both friends show consistent disinterest in maintaining the relationship, it suggests a genuine shift in priorities.
- A diminished emotional connection, coupled with infrequent or superficial interactions, can indicate a natural distancing.
- When one person only talks about themselves, how wonderful or negative their lives are, and doesn’t ask how the other is doing, then it may be time to consider moving on.
How do you navigate the end of a friendship?
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It's one thing to understand what to look for when outgrowing friendships, but it's another to actually put a plan in motion. Ficken said it's important for friends to "openly discuss their feelings and the changes they're experiencing." She and Amorosi also agree that it's important to not only address any guilt you're feeling, but to release it as well. This is probably one of the hardest things I struggled with once I got over the initial shock and anger of outgrowing my former friend.
Other tips you should consider are:
- Address any guilt or self-blame on how you see your role in the drift
- Come to terms with the reality that sometimes people don't match well over time
- Address (if appropriate and comfortable) these observations with your friends to get their perspectives on the drift
- Assess if a change in how intense the relationship is needed instead of ending it (downshifting from best friend to just friend or acquaintance).
- Assess if you need to separate completely and find acceptance in this decision
- Communicate your need for space and seek out connections elsewhere that feel more fulfilling
- If possible, celebrate each other's growth and newfound paths
This advice is helpful as you work on navigating the different emotions that arise once you realize your outgrowing your friendships.
Why do we outgrow friendships?
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There are many reasons why we outgrow friendships, but Amorosi said, "Sometimes these friendships drift apart simply because — as both people grow — they continue to grow into very different people." Other times she said it's because of a big rupture or change in the safety in the connection. Ficken mentioned that big life changes can also cause a rift in a friendship.
When that occurs, Amorosi said it's important to note the following:
- If your behaviors were the cause and you're remorseful, find time to apologize if needed.
- If your behaviors were the cause and you're not remorseful, find acceptable in the end of the connection.
- If their behaviors were the cause, come to an understanding about what feels hard to forgive about what they did.
Ficken added, "Individuals evolve over time, gaining new perspectives and values. If friends fail to grow together or respect each other's growth, their connection can weaken." She also shared that a difference in geographical location can affect a friendship. "While technology bridges gaps, the absence of face-to-face interaction can weaken bonds," said Ficken.
From my experience, I took time to understand why I was angry about the rupture in my former friendship. Next, I mourned the loss of the memories of our former interactions and then I forgave myself for not having knowing how to verbally end our friendship. This took a long period of time and — even now — I still find myself wondering if there was a chance to heal that rupture.
But, given our viewpoints and how we choose to move through life, I know it's better that we remain strangers at this point in our lives.
How can you end a friendship on peaceful terms?
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If you find that you're able to have an honest conversation with the friend you're outgrowing (or vice versa), Ficken believes this is great and can lead to ending things peacefully. She said, "Engage in open conversation about the shifting dynamics. Acknowledge the changes and express gratitude for the shared experiences." She also added that if you and your friends are on the same page, all signs should point to a "peaceful conclusion."
How do you navigate the mourning period after a friendship breakup?
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No matter how your friendship ends, it's possible that you'll experience a mourning period. It doesn't mean you're weak for being unable to move on quickly, but it's an acknowledgment that you once shared a deep connection with your former friends. Ficken advises you to do the following:
- Give space: Allow time for each friend to process emotions independently.
- Seek support: Lean on other friends or family members during this period of adjustment.
- Reflect and learn: Use the experience as an opportunity for personal growth and introspection.
- Leave doors open: The end of one phase doesn't rule out future reconnection. Respect the potential for renewed bonds.
Have you experienced a situation where you outgrew friendships? Share your story in the comments!
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