6 Ways To Raise A Resilient Kid & More Powerful Parenting Advice From Expert Dr. Becky

What is sleep training?

Although you may have a basic idea of what sleep training is, it's normal to wonder if it's just another buzzy social media word. Dr. Levene says, "Sleep training is a process that helps babies learn to sleep without parental assistance," while Michi adds the words "independent sleeper" her definition. Michi says it's a means of equipping "kids the skills to fall asleep alone" and "get back to sleep when they naturally wake during the night."

But you're not a horrible parent if it were easier to co-sleep with your baby during their first weeks at home. For example, my son would cry and scream all night when we tried to get him to sleep in his bassinet — which isn't easy to maneuver when you're faced with sleep deprivation and a breastfeeding schedule. So, his dad and I thought it would be easier if everyone could fall asleep together.

Is there a correct time to start sleep training children?

This answer may vary depending on who you ask. Family members might tell you not to spoil your baby from the time you give birth while parts of social media encourages co-sleeping. In Michi's opinion, she doesn't "think there is" a right time to introduce sleep training.

"Parents usually sleep train when they can no longer manage with the sleep they're getting. For some, that is when the baby is four months old; for others, it's when they're four years old," she explains. Dr. Levene also mentioned it can occur "between four and six months of age," but it "can take some time."

But, both issue a slight warning to parents who are on the fence about it. "There is no point in starting sleep training before you are ready, as you will likely give in and not follow through," says Michi, while Dr. Levene stresses the importance of being consistent.

It's almost like developing a routine for potty training. Kids pay attention to schedules and can sense when you're not 100% in!

Are there benefits to sleep training a child?

Now that you know what sleep training is, you're likely asking yourself if there are any benefits to it. I don't consider myself a 'seasoned' mom yet, but I can tell you there are! Before we cover them, Dr. Levene wants you to know sleep training isn't about "teaching the child to sleep through the night." Instead, the goal is to start "improving infant sleep and in turn improving parental sleep."

So, which benefits will start to show once an infant or child gets used to being sleep trained? "A sleep-trained child can get to sleep at the beginning of the night without needing to be rocked, etc., and can get back to sleep during the night when nothing is wrong or they're not hungry," says Michi.

If you decide to sleep train your infant, don't expect a miracle to happen over night. Dr. Leven already mentioned being consistent, but he acknowledges how difficult sleep training can be. "It is not easy on the parent," he says. "There are different methods including cry it out, Ferber, and others."

Michi says, "The majority of sleep-trained children will sleep through the night, but some still need a feed until they are around a year old." One of the things my fiancé and I are working on with our son is getting him to verbally explain what's wrong when he wakes up upset.

It's still a disruption to sleep, but we've noticed our son's vocabulary has increased over time. He explains how he feels in greater detail which helps us know how to negate nightmares or come to his aid during nightly eczema flareups. He hardly ever asks to eat at night, so that's one thing we're grateful for!

Is there a right or wrong way to sleep train your child?

If you're looking for a concrete answer, Michi doesn't believe there is one. "You can sleep train however you want! There are lots of different techniques, making most set-ups manageable." However, Dr. Levene says it "works best if the infant is in another room." At the same time, he doesn't feel it's "an absolute requirement."

This brings me back to what Kourtney Kardashian said about her sleep training approach with her kids. Instead of following different parenting paths, she chooses to "do what feels natural and instinctual," and Michi says there's nothing wrong with that. "Some families want to continue to bed share; some techniques work better for this. Others want to have their child sleep in their own room; they can use different techniques."

According to Michi, a key to sleep training is to be mindful about your "child's personality" because "temperament plays a big part in how children learn to be independent sleepers."

Who should parents talk to if they're struggling with their child's bedtime routine?

As much as you may resolve to help your child become more independent, there's no guarantee that you can snap your fingers and they'll be on board with your desires. Should you find that bedtime is a struggle that results in a lack of sleep for everyone, there are some things you can do. "First, chat with your pediatrician, they may be able to help. [Also] find some sources online that your resonate with," Michi suggests.

The one thing she doesn't recommend is relying on a certain age-old technique that I've even found doesn't work for my son. "Don't ask someone for sleep advice if they use cry-it-out sleep training techniques if you know it won't work for your child. You know your child better than anyone," she adamantly says. "You know what is likely to work and what isn't. Follow your instinct when it comes to sleep."

Frankly, my son started screaming at the top of his lungs when we tried to implement the 'cry-it-out' method, and since that reminds me of the early postpartum days, I can't get on board with it. For me, it's jarring to hear ear-piercing screams in the middle of the night, so going against tradition has proved to work better.

How can parents help their children get comfortable sleeping in their own beds?

Major events can play a role in sleep regression, from your child meeting another milestone or moving to a new space. Want to know how you can start helping your child get comfortable in their own bed? Dr. Levene says, "Having a consistent bedtime routine is important. If its bath, bottle, book and bed or something like that, infants and toddlers feel comfortable with routine. Sometimes for toddler a security object is very helpful." He does warn, "Remember infants should having nothing in the crib/bed with them."

According to Michi, she believes "it all starts with playtime." She says, "Your child needs to be comfortable in their bed to sleep in it comfortably." But what does this mean?

It's simple! "During the day, have some playtime in the bed and bedroom. Start small for a few minutes and then increase as they become more comfortable," Michi explains. Your child will start making the connection that it's daytime so "they won't get confused thinking it's bedtime."

What should parents remember when sleep training their children?

Though Michi is a sleep consultant, she's more than aware all children aren't created equally. They're going to have different personalities, wants, and needs that contribute to how you approach parenting them. "Not all techniques work for all children. Children are unique and learn in different ways. Find a technique that you can do and that you think your child can do. If you do that, you will always have success," she says.

Dr. Levene agrees that "There is no right way here. If it works in your home and you have reviewed the infant/toddlers sleeping with your pediatrician then its right for you" because "sleep training can be accomplished in many ways."

The more you bond with your child, the more their personality will show which is important when learning how to teach them something in a way they understand. My son loves learning new things, but he doesn't like to feel forced to perform them just like I don't. Of this Michi says, "Don't feel pressured into using techniques that don't resonate with you."

What are the differences between choosing a daycare facility as opposed to a nanny or au pair?

I used to believe that all childcare options were created equal, but experience has shown me how untrue that is. The reason so many options exist is simple. Fornaro says, "Each approach offers unique benefits that may be better suited for different family needs and preferences."

"Nannies typically have backgrounds in early childhood education and can even hold specialized credentials like ABA therapy. Nannies also provide one-on-one, personalized care and allow families greater control over daily schedules and caregiving methods," she explains.

However, if you're looking at a daycare center, you may be wondering how childcare would differ there. Fornaro says, "Daycare centers, on the other hand, offer a more structured, social environment for children. While families have less control over caregivers and schedules, daycare can foster important developmental milestones through group activities and interactions."

Finally, au pairs truly have a different background from nannies and daycare centers. "Au pairs, often young individuals looking to travel and experience a new culture, can be a flexible international childcare solution. The level of childcare expertise can vary more widely with au pairs compared to professional nannies," says Fornaro.

What important questions should parents ask when visiting or interviewing childcare options?

You can choose to ask google what kind of questions you should be asking before choosing a childcare option for your child, but Fornaro's been kind enough to break this down for you.

Questions To Ask Nannies

During the preliminary screening, Fornaro says you should:

• Review resumes and references to assess qualifications
• Conduct background checks to identify any red flags

From there, the essential questions she suggests asking about a nanny's work experience and qualifications are as follows:

• Ask about their childcare work experience, strengths/weaknesses, and motivations
• Explore their work history, reasons for leaving past jobs, and get references
• Inquire about relevant training, certifications, and experience with the child's age group
• Understand their general childcare practices, discipline style, and views on topics like sleep training
• Assess if their approach aligns with your family's values and parenting style
• Determine if they have CPR/first aid training, experience with special needs children, and other relevant skills
• Understand their preferred payment methods and willingness to be paid on payroll

Questions To Ask Daycare Centers

Truthfully, I wish I would've had Fornaro's checklist when trying to find suitable daycares for my son because she includes things that truly matter.

Similar to how you should approach interviewing nannies, Fornaro feels you should always do the following:

• Review the daycare's license, accreditations, and inspection reports (please request to review inspection reports)
• Conduct background checks on the staff and facility

From there, you can ask the following:

• Ask about the daycare's years of operation and experience caring for children
• Inquire about the staff's training, certifications, and experience with the age groups you need
• Understand the daycare's staff-to-child ratios and policies around supervision
• Determine if they have specialized programs or curriculum for early childhood development
• Assess their policies and procedures for health, safety, and emergency preparedness
• Evaluate the cleanliness, organization, and child-proofing of the physical space
• Understand their drop-off/pick-up procedures and communication with parents
• Explore their childcare philosophy, discipline methods, and views on topics like nutrition
• Assess if their approach aligns with your family's values and needs

This isn't meant to scare anyone, but a former daycare teacher that my son connected with alerted my S.O. of unreported incidents where our child was on the receiving end of bites and hits from other toddlers...but no one ever mentioned them to us. We'd noticed a change in our son's behavior and knew something was off, but the former teacher's admission and our son's own verbal confirmation is what led us to unenroll him from that center.

Questions To Ask Au Pairs

If you decide to choose this childcare option, there's still things that Fornaro suggests you ask during the interview process.

As always, be sure to "review résumés, references, and previous childcare experience" and "conduct thorough background checks, including criminal history and driving records," she stresses.

Once you feel comfortable with the provided information, you ask the following questions:

• Inquire about the au pair's years of childcare experience and age groups they've worked with
• Understand their relevant training, certifications, and credentials in early childhood education
• Explore their motivation for becoming an au pair and their long-term career goals
• Discuss their ability to adapt to your family's culture, routines, and parenting style
• Assess their language proficiency and willingness to learn your family's primary language
• Understand their comfort level with household responsibilities and driving requirements
• Explore their childcare philosophy, discipline methods, and views on topics like nutrition
• Determine if their approach aligns with your family's values and needs
• Understand their ability to engage in age-appropriate activities and foster child development

Because an au pair tends to have a more 'live-in' approach, Fornaro believes you should "Clarify the living situation, schedule, and compensation package for the au pair" and "Discuss their driving experience and comfort level with using your family's vehicles."

Also, she wants you to make sure the au pair is on the same page as their au pair program and is willing to follow all of the required policies.

What childcare costs should parents factor in?

Once you have a good idea which childcare option aligns with your family's needs, it's time to focus on tuition costs. They'll differ based on a number of factors like state and the community you live in, but there's no way to get around them TBH.

Daycare Centers

Fornaro agrees and says that tuition and fees for daycare centers are "Dependent on location, quality of the facility, child's age, etc." That means you could be looking at paying anywhere from $800 to $2,000 every month. Not only that, but you'll have to factor in a registration and activity fees, late pickup charges, and more.

Au Pairs

Costs associated with au pairs look a little different. Fornaro says that you'll have to consider:

• Stipend: Typically $200-$300 per week for the au pair, as required by the au pair program.
• Room and board: Providing a private room and meals for the au pair, estimated at $500-$800 per month.
• Agency fees: Initial placement fee of $7,000-$10,000 and annual program fees.
• Transportation: Covering driving lessons, car insurance, and vehicle expenses

Nannies

Though nannies aren't necessarily associated with an agency, there are still things to factor in. Fornaro wants you to look at:

• Hourly rate: Can range from $20 to $30+ per hour, depending on experience, duties, and location.
• Payroll taxes: Families must pay the nanny's share of Social Security, Medicare, and other applicable taxes. 12-15% is pretty standard.
• Understand the difference between gross vs net, and what it means to gross up wages
• Insurance: Liability and workers' compensation insurance may be required, every state is different.
• Paid time off: Families typically provide 1-2 weeks of paid vacation.
• Healthcare stipend
• Mileage Reimbursement if they are using their vehicle for work, transporting children etc.

If this is making your head spin, we're not judging you. It's a lot to consider, but Fornaro says there may be resources that can assist your family with childcare.

"Families may be eligible for the Child and Dependent Care Tax Credit to offset some childcare costs. Also, Flexible Spending Accounts (FSAs) or Dependent Care Assistance Programs (DCAPs) can also help with pre-tax savings," she shares.

How can parents navigate any quilt they may feel for relying on childcare?

I'm certainly no expert, but I know that feeling parental guilt is something that comes and goes. Whether you're worried about the opinions of others or feel afraid of decisions you're making, you're not alone.

"Parenthood is a profound responsibility where parents serve as role models for their children. Providing for one's family is often an essential obligation, not simply a choice. Childcare is frequently a necessity, not a luxury, enabling parents to maintain financial stability and support their children's wellbeing," Fornaro reminds.

Not only that, but she's adamant that childcare isn't a 'bad' thing. "Even for parents who have the option to work or not, they still set an important example by practicing self-care and pursuing their own passions and interests. Children need to witness their parents modeling a healthy work-life balance and the importance of personal fulfillment. As the saying goes, "You can't pour from an empty cup" - parents must prioritize their own physical and mental health to be fully present for their kids," she says.

I've had to learn this the hard way and I can say that there's truly no right or wrong answer when it comes to figuring out if childcare is right for your family. It's one of the reasons Fornaro feels you having support is essential for parents.

"With the right support systems in place, parents can find ways to balance their career aspirations and parental responsibilities. Childhood is a finite season of life, and the example parents set can profoundly shape the paths their children choose to pursue in the future. While some parents may temporarily sacrifice certain personal or professional goals for the sake of their family, it's crucial they don't lose sight of their own sense of purpose. When children eventually grow up and gain independence, parents should feel empowered to rediscover their passions and chart the next chapter of their lives," she says.

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