Now that you know which friendship red flags shouldn't be ignored, let's talk about how to maintain the great platonic relationships you do have! You don't need us to tell you how invaluable it is to have a great support system à la The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, but how often are you and your chosen crew nurturing each other?
While there are things you do to pour into your friendships, psychotherapist Victoria Murray, LCSW of Root to Rise Therapysays, "Some things that predict the longevity of a friendship are outside of our control - things like circumstances, location and shared life experiences." At the same time, she feels "similar interests, complementary personalities and shared values help us to connect with others and make friends in general."
That means continuing to reach out, call or text in some kind of regular cadence (and answer messages!), or if you live nearby, making an effort to meet up in person. And sometimes, relationships with people who you share experiences and interests with fizzle out if each of you are not willing to put the time and energy into making the other person feel valued.
All the little ways to make your friendships last forever
"I find that the most important thing contributing to long-lasting friendships is a commitment and dedication that both people have to prioritize this friendship in their lives," says Murray. If you're drawing a blank, take a step back and breathe because "there are many things that you can do to nurture friendships in your life," according to her.
Here's a list of things she says you can do to maintain the bond you have with your friends.
Valeriya Kobzar
1. Finally schedule that lunch date you've been putting off
Have you written down a list of friend date ideas that didn't come into fruition this year? That sounds similar to our own sad plans that never left the notes app on our phones. One of the first things Murray suggests is to schedule a lunch date with your friend.
It's not a romantic situation, but simply an uninterrupted time where you and friend can give each other your undivided attention! You can talk about everything from work to reminiscing about the time one of you fell flat on your face in front of your crush.
Andrea Piacquadio
2. Have a weekly FaceTime session
Technology has finally evolved to let us see the people we're talking to, friends and family included. It's a great way to connect with someone if you don't live in the same state or haven't seen each other in a while. " In the days of FaceTime and video calls, distance is not necessarily a barrier to friendships lasting for many years — and in some cases, distance can actually nurture relationships as it gives both people the space to breathe and live their lives," says Murray.
Andrea Piacquadio
3. Vow to have phone recaps of your week to dish about your annoying co-worker or celebrity gossip
When life feels busy and you just need someone to dissect the latest Blake Livelynews with, you need a friend to recap your week with. Murray says, "Sometimes too much pressure to meet up in-person or integrate the friend into your day-to-day life can actually put a strain on the relationship, especially if routines or other relationships are not compatible with one another."
This helps you to stay connected to your friend without forcing each other to sit in a crowded bar just to strengthen your connection after work.
RDNE Stock project
4. Surprise your friend with a birthday card
You can always give your best friend a birthday card in the mail, but planning ahead to have one show up in her physical mailbox is just as thoughtful! She'll enjoy that you decided to go the extra mile to send celebratory snail mail to her. Of course, you're free to still surprise your friend in person! Throw in a mini dessert and small gift to see your friend burst with excitement!
Alexandra Maria
5. Snap a picture of a cute pair of Target shoes your friend has been eyeing
If you stop by your local Target and see the pair of shoes she won't stop talking about. Take a picture of them to let her know they're in stock and have her size. She'll appreciate you for thinking of her and may even Cash App you the funds to get them for her. Murray says doing this can "go a long way to show the other person that you care about your connection with them."
Andrea Piacquadio
6. Verbally tell your friend how much they mean to you over dinner
After you've cooked your friend's favorite meal, sit down and tell that how important they are to you. "Affirmative statements like 'You are really important to me' and 'I value this friendship so much' can be things we tend to shy away from because they feel vulnerable," Murray shares, "but they can go a long way in solidifying the friendship and contributing a sense of closeness and security."
RDNE Stock project
7. Be honest when you're unable to be 100% present in your friendship because work is super busy or you're having family issues
In a perfect world, we'd always have time for our friends. But things can come up that can derail even the most intentional person's friendship plans. It shouldn't be assumed you're a terrible person because you're unable to spend as much time with your friends, but communication is key.
"If something is going on with you personally that’s getting in the way of you showing up in your friendships the way that you want to, the best thing you can do is communicate. Even if you don’t want to talk about it, letting them know 'I’m sorry I haven’t been super present in our friendship lately, I’ve had a lot going on with family and I’ll fill you in when I feel more ready to talk about it' can help communicate to your friend that you’ve got something personal going on, and you’re not pulling back from them because you don't care," advises Murray.
Mizuno K
8. Establish an understanding that your friendship may shift with different stages of life (i.e. marriage, having kids, relocating, etc.,)
This may be confused with a red flag, but it's not. As much as we wish we had all the free time in the world, life just isn't set up that way unless we're a part of the 1% that gets to make the rules. Even at that, I'm sure their attention is pulled in different directions. Murray says she understands this stage of life, however.
"When life gets busy, it can be really hard to find time to prioritize your friendships. And the older we get, the busier life becomes. As you get older, it is ok to acknowledge that you just may not have as much time for some friendships, and focus your energy on the few that matter most to you," she shares.
One of your goals shouldn't be trying to force yourself to make time for friends when things are super busy in your life. "When you spread yourself too thin, you can end up not really feeling connected to anyone at all," Murray adds. What she suggests you do is let "your friends know what's going on" or find a way to do "things that are less of a time commitment like sending a quick text or stopping by to say hi after work."
They're amazing "ways to stay connected if it feels at all possible" along with "inviting your close friends to participate in whatever is going on (maybe as a study buddy or on a double date with you and your new partner," according to her. All of these things create room for "feeling close even when life gets hectic!"
If you follow Murray's advice, it won't be surprising if you become a woman who has lots of friends!
