It’s fairly normal to go a little while without some sweet, sweet action in the bedroom, but if bringing up sex to your partner is starting to get uncomfortable (or is off the table altogether), you might be experiencing a sex drought.
What Is A Sex Drought?
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Sex droughts look different for every couple, but they typically last several months to many years, and more often than not, they happen in long-term relationships. Since sex isn’t solely a physical thing – it’s also about emotional connection – these dry spells are often a result of life simply getting in the way.
“We get busy and sex becomes less of a priority,” Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST, a Chicago-based relationship and sex therapist says. “Big life changes happen, like having kids. We stop communicating about our wants and needs, or stop connecting emotionally with each other.”
And that’s totally normal, but when once and your partner’s sex life starts to feel the pressures of everyday responsibilities, sex can get pushed back and deprioritized over and over again until it feels entirely out of reach.
“People underestimate how important sex is in some relationships,” Aydrelle Collins, MS, LPC, and PhD candidate in Human Sexuality says. “Sex bleeds into so much of our daily lives, so if something is not going right in the bedroom, it does have a tendency to spill over into other areas of life.”
Sex droughts can come about for a variety of other reasons, too. Mismatched libidos between partners or even medical issues can come between that 'together time' that’s so crucial for a thriving long-term relationship – but it’s important to remember that these things are just part of being human.
“Mismatched desires are completely normal and happen to almost all couples,” Herzog says. “You are two different people with two different desires, experiences, wants, and needs and you don’t always be on the same page when it comes to being sexual.”
It’s also completely normal to feel dissatisfied with the sex you’re already having. Couples often settle into specific sexual routines that, after a while, make each person want to hit ‘snooze’ on their sex life.
Whether you think your sex drought is caused by the chaos of life or mismatched libidos, there are ways to work back to the physical connection that’s since fizzled out. Ahead, Herzog and Collins offer 4 helpful ways to put an end to a sex drought.
How To Put An End To A Sex Drought
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1. Communicate.
You’ve heard it a thousand times, but communication really is key to getting anywhere in your relationship, even if it’s not related to sex. Your partner won’t know something’s wrong until you come clean and say so.
Though speaking your truth on a sex drought can be daunting (perhaps out of fear of hurting your partner or shame with your own feelings), it can only initiate positive progress as long as you are both empathetic and understanding. Who knows? Your partner may be feeling the same way, too!
“Open communication about [sexual] desires and concerns is essential,” Collins says.”It is probably going to be awkward AF at first, and that's okay! Lean into it and use that as a way to find your way back to your partner sexually.”
If you need a conversation starter, these 6 question prompts are an easy, straightforward way to help you both address the sex drought:
- Can we talk about our intimacy and how we both feel about it currently?
- What are your expectations or needs when it comes to our sex or physical connection?
- What are your thoughts on introducing new activities or trying different settings?
- Is there anything on your mind that might be keeping you from wanting sex?
- Are there any changes we can make to our routine to make room for more intimate moments?
- What have been the most satisfying and memorable moments for you in our intimate history?
Talking about exactly what you want in your sex life is another amazing way to get things goin’ again.
“Discuss fantasies with your partner, using sex toys, role play, and having sex in different places,” Collins says. “Remember that sex does not always have to involve penetration, so have fun with whatever you decide to do in the bedroom. The only rules are the ones that you and your partner put in place.”
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2. Prioritize physical connection.
Overcoming a sex drought does not need to look like gettin’ it on all the time. The pressure to perform sex with more intensity and frequency can actually draw desire away even further. Herzog recommends starting small by inviting your partner to an ‘intimacy date.’
“An intimacy date doesn’t have to include anything penetrative in nature or involve orgasms, but can include a variety of other things like cuddling, making out, a sensual massage, or taking a shower together,” she says. “If these feel too uncomfortable, then I’d recommend reading erotica together, laying on the couch together and watching a movie, or getting a couples massage together.”
It’s important to not let the pressure of others’ sex lives or the sex you see through media influence your own expectations of sex. The sex is just between you and your partner, no one else, so do what feels right at a cadence that feels right.
“I’m a believer in quality sexual experiences over quantity of sexual experiences,” Herzog says. “I’d rather you have one really pleasurable and fulfilling sexual experience once per month than 4-5 sexual experiences that were just okay.”
Exposing yourself to sex-positive material on social media, through books or via YouTube series is another great place to start.
“The more you expose yourself, the more normal sex will feel to you,” Herzog says.
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3. Engage in helpful activities with no strings attached.
As mentioned before, there are tons of ways to get the sexual gears turning that don’t include actually having sex.
“I like to suggest an activity called “I turn myself on/ I turn myself off,’” Collins says. “It is a no-pressure way to get you both talking about the things that you like sexually without the expectations of going all the way. Communication is key, and doing little exercises and activities can take the pressure off of the situation, especially if it has been a while since you have had sex.”
With this activity, take turns with your partner talking about what turns you on the most, and what things don’t exactly light your fire. This will help you both connect with yourselves and each other’s desires.
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4. See a sex therapist.
If nothing else seems to be working in healing your sex drought, it might be time to see a sex therapist. Having this third party be a part of your journey is paramount in exploring outside perspectives and diving deeper into your emotions if that’s what’s needed.
“Sex can be such a tender topic for couples and individuals so I recommend seeking help from a sex therapist,” Collins says. “They can give you tools both individually and together to help you navigate any difficult conversations about sex and provide you with ways to improve your sex life.”
If you follow even one of these steps to navigate a sex drought, you should feel proud that you and your partner are moving toward a healthier, stronger relationship at all.
“It’s typical for folks to drift away from each other once in a while, but what truly matters is the work you put into coming back to each other,” Herzog says. “This is relational resilience, and it’s a critical part of sustaining long, loving relationships.”
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