How many times have you heard someone is a toxic person and — aside from therapy speak — what does it mean? According to Michelle English, LCSW, Co-Founder and Executive Clinical Manager at Healthy Life Recovery, "In a therapeutic setting, toxic behavior usually refers to patterns of behavior that regularly cause emotional, mental, or even physical harm to others."
Wondering why people resort to being toxic behavior? English says, "They are frequently the result of unresolved personal issues such as trauma, insecurity, or a lack of self-awareness." Jamie Bennett, LMFT of Mountainside Treatment Center, adds, "Many toxic people do things with the intent of getting a certain reaction – like a bully. If they want to rile you up and you don’t get riled up this changes the dynamic."
Wanna know what signs to look out for when it comes to toxic people? We've got you covered — and we have the tea on when you should finally cut them out!
P.S. Bennett says assertiveness isn't toxic, even if someone's behavior sometimes comes off as pushy or controlling. This just means they're sure of themselves!
Here are the 6 signs of a toxic person — & when to cut them out!
1. They're always being dismissive.
Have you ever been really excited or upset about something only to be met with a dismissive tone from someone you confided in? This person is displaying toxicity which "gradually undermines trust in relationships," according to English. Would you want to keep sharing things with a person if they're always downplaying your emotions? Probably not.
2. Controlling others seems like a sport to them.
English says another way to determine someone is toxic is pay attention to their controlling behavior. It can be something as simple as telling you what to wear or something greater such as forcibly limiting your contact with anyone they think isn't good for you.
3. They consistently makes excuses for their behavior.
Have you ever let a close friend know certain behavior bothers you only for them to make an excuse for why they keep doing them? Bennett says this counts as "avoiding responsibility for actions." Furthermore, "constantly" doing so or looking to "push the blame onto someone else veers into toxic territory," she adds.
Another way to look at this is if someone is always falling into a pattern of "victimizing themselves," according to Bennett.
4. They tend to be manipulative.
Manipulation is tricky because it's not always obvious until it's too late. It's kind of like not realizing you were bit by a mosquito until your skin becomes itchy and red. Bennett says this is toxic because there's a knowing that someone can "appeal to a certain person's characteristics or personality traits." This looks like saying or doing something "with the intention of getting a certain reaction," according to her.
Bennett says, "An example may be one partner in sobriety who consistently uses their poor mental health as a reason to not be proactive about finding a job. They do this because they know that the other partner is worried about their loved one relapsing so they use that fear against her."
5. They never miss an opportunity to gaslight people.
Calling this a "well-known example," English says gaslighting often occurs when someone denies the reality of another person." What would cause someone to do this? Well, a toxic behavior often doesn't want to take accountability for their actions so they'd rather "cause people to doubt their own perceptions," according to English.
6. They're always looking for reasons to criticize someone.
The catty behavior on The Real Housewives of New York may be entertaining for TV, but that kind of behavior gets old quickly in everyday life. No one wants to hear why "so and so thinks they're all that" even if it's disguised as humor. English says, "Regardless of their motivation," behaviors like this "can lead to stressful and emotionally distressing situations."
Is it time to cut that toxic person out of my life?
We live in a society that started prioritizing ending relationships with people as soon as we spot red flags, but English and Bennett don't think this should be our immediate reaction. English says, "The decision to disengage with a toxic person in the relationship will depend on how harsh and serious the relationship is" because "it is often personal."
According to her, if you notice a consistent pattern where the behavior is "damaging your emotional health," it's okay to walk away from that person. Still, she believes "completely cutting [someone] off is often a last option when other approaches to changing the behavior have not worked." Bennett says something similar and notes how to approach different scenarios.
"If it someone you need to communicate with because of a job or family, there are things you can do to protect yourself," she says. She suggests reminding "yourself who you are dealing with" if the person is adept at gaslighting others because "it may be easy to become convinced that you are wrong or something did not happen the way you recall." A phrase she encourages you to tell yourself is, "I know that my experiences are my experiences no matter what."
If you're dealing with an aggressively toxic person, you'll have to "set and reinforce boundaries," Bennett says while English adds that "engaging in therapy to faciliate healthier relationships" may be a next step.
Here's how Bennett suggests navigating communication with someone like this:
- Set a boundary to end the conversation when you notice toxic behavior such as invalidation of your feelings.
- Receive support from another person so they can remind you of things you're trying to accomplish
If you're dealing with a friend or spouse, Bennett wants you to remember "you cannot change them" but you're in control of how you respond. English says, "It is important to analyze the whole situation and know when the cost of the relationship is greater than the benefits."
Bennett's last piece of advice is to know when to walk away" by having a "deep awareness for how you are feeling." You can do this by "checking in with your body and thoughts" so you can understand how you "respond to stress," according to her. She says this will give you more "clues on what when it's time to step away!"
Read more of our relationships articles to learn how to navigate tough situations in 2025!
