Experiencing a friendship breakup is never fun, but you know what else feels equally awful? Ignoring toxic friends or missing red flags that signal you actually shouldn't be hanging out with someone. From subtle to glaring signs, there are actually a lot of ways to tell if something's off with the people you spend your free time with.
Sometimes these things are disguised as 'jokes,' but that doesn't mean there's anything light-hearted about them! However, we don't always speak up when we notice things that feel uncomfortable. Why? NYC Neuropsychologist and Director of Comprehend the MindDr. Sanam Hafeez and psychotherapist and owner of Road to Wellness Therapy, Janet Bayramyan, LCSW have more than a few ideas what makes us ignore things or stay put.
Dr. Hafeez says, "We often ignore toxicity in our friend groups because we fear the discomfort of confrontation or the possibility of losing long-established relationships. There can be a sense of loyalty to people we've known for years, making it hard to admit that the friendship may no longer be healthy."Here's how to recognize if your inner circle has toxic people in it
Sadly, I know all about holding on to a friendship that's run it's course because I thought time would work out any kinks. It's why Dr. Hafeez acknowledges "we might rationalize toxic behavior, convincing ourselves that it's just a phase or that we're overreacting." That stems from the "social pressure" of not wanting "to be seen as the 'troublemaker' or the one who disrupts the group dynamic," she says.
More than likely, Dr. Hafeez says we're not thinking about the "impact that toxic friendships have on our mental and emotional well-being, normalizing unhealthy behavior because it's familiar." Sometimes, our inability to let go of these friendships step from "fearing that no other friends will replace them," she continues.
1. Whenever something good happens, your friend can't just congratulate you.
This is such a subtle sign that's easy to miss, especially if you've been friends with someone for a long time. It could be that the other person doesn't even realize they have a habit of finding ways to belittle something you're excited about. However, Dr. Hafeez says this person is toxic if "they make backhanded compliments or subtle digs that leave you feeling unsettled but unsure if you should call it out." Adding on to this, Bayramyan feels this is "passive aggressive" behavior and agrees you may be "uneasy" about drawing attention to it.
My first time experiencing a fallout from this was four years ago and I've never forgotten how shocked my nervous system felt when I shared something that was met with a backhanded compliment. I don't know if it was my heightened hormones during pregnancy that made me pay attention or if I'd finally caught on to how unhealthy that was, but I was distraught. Needless to say, that friendship didn't last much longer when I couldn't shake the feeling that something in our dynamic had changed.
2. They have a tendency to start arguments with other friends the second they feel offended.
Imagine you and your friends have decided to go to someone's house party or even a bar as a unanimous decision. It seems like everything's going well until you decide to get a late-night snack. While eating, one of your friends makes a joke that everyone else gets, but another friend thinks it's directed towards them. Instead of asking, the offended friend becomes belligerent and starts cursing while everyone else is confused about why the atmosphere changed.
If this has happened more times than you can count, you may be dealing with a toxic person. Dr. Hafeez says, "Small issues are often blown out of proportion, leaving you feeling drained by unnecessary conflict." The more this person succeeds at creating something out of nothing, the more they create "unnecessary tension" and can even "make friends take sides or get emotionally burned by endless conflict," adds. Dr. Hafeez.
Once that happens, say goodbye to the "group trust" because a toxic person is adept at destroying "a tight-knit group," according to Dr. Hafeez. Bayramyan calls them "emotional vampires" because they "suck the energy out of you and out of different situations." She says, "Their lives may seem to revolve around conflict, and they may bring negative energy into every interaction, draining those around them."
3. They find ways to make you feel like you're a bad friend if you can't always lend them money.
There's nothing wrong with supporting friends when they're in need, but lending them money can be difficult. Some people, especially those closest to us, feel entitled to our time, money, and attention regardless of if you're able to be there in the capacity they need. Dr. Hafeez says that people like this will find a way to "guilt-trip you into doing things or make you feel responsible for their emotions."
Bayramyan points out, "Toxic friends often expect you to meet all their emotional needs, while they offer little to no support in return, making the friendship one-sided."
4. They won't admit when they can't (or just didn't) contribute money towards a planned dinner or trip.
Some people don't like being accountable even if it's something small to take responsibility for. "When something goes wrong, they always find a way to blame you or someone else, never taking responsibility," says Dr. Hafeez.
Say you and your friends agree to go to dinner or take a road trip. After agreeing on somewhere to eat, plane tickets, an AirBnb, or activities, it seems like there's an understanding about the portion everyone needs to pay. However, there's always one person who waits until the last minute to admit they're unable to pay for something. This usually happens after dinner or right before a trip. Instead of them admitting they weren't honest about their financial situation, they find a way to weasel out of being responsible for their lack of planning or honesty.
5. They intentionally leave you out of certain group plans.
Our friends are likely going to have other friends we've never met or have heard about in passing, but that doesn't mean you won't get along with them. However, Dr. Hafeez knows that toxic people will "sometimes leave you out of group activities or plans, but do so in ways that feel unintentional or 'accidental.'" If that keeps happening, you can ask your friend what gives or decide to keep your distance.
6. Despite how many times you help them, they're never available when you need someone to watch your dog or help you move.
Dr. Hafeez says people who only "reach out when they need something," but become "distant or unresponsive when you need them" are displaying a toxic behavior. Bayramyan says, "They may withdraw support or become distant when you need them the most, yet expect you to be there for them unconditionally." She further explains, "Whether it's your time, energy, or personal boundaries, they often push past your limits in ways that feel disrespectful or invasive. These are boundary violations." It's like that one friend who's always asking for you to pick them up from work, only to ghost you when you need their help with something.
As much as I don't want you to have someone in mind, I wouldn't be surprised if you told me you know or knew someone like this.
7. They can't stop talking about how people are always turning their backs on them.
If someone "frequently portrays themselves as the victim in every situation" while "never acknowledging their role in conflicts," they're probably toxic says Dr. Hafeez. It's actually not uncommon for people to develop this mindset, but it seems hard for them to break away from it. Some never do if we're being honest.
The best way to describe a person like this is to think about a friend who always feels like people turn their backs on them despite evidence showing that people have actually supported them despite many of their harmful actions or words. A person like this seems to expect unwavering loyalty and isn't interested in hearing that they're capable of being wrong.
Bayramyan says people like this truly "lack accountability" because "they rarely, if ever, apologize or take responsibility for their mistakes." Just like Dr. Hafeez says, Bayramyan agrees this makes people start "deflecting or blaming others."
8. They never seem to want to talk about anything related to your personal life (i.e. new job, engagement, favorite TV series, etc.), but love to hear themselves talk.
When "the conversation is always about them," Dr. Hafeez says toxic people "rarely show interest in your life or feelings." Friends like this always find a way to cut you off mid-sentence so they can talk about something that relates to them. It's not easy to stomach, but you may write it off as having an overly-eager friend.
9. They tend to downplay your wins and successes.
A toxic friend "won't celebrate your wins and often downplays or ignores your struggles," according to Dr. Hafeez. This may be rooted in their ability to properly support you or pure jealousy. Furthermore, she says a person like this may "subtly or openly compete with you or express envy instead of being happy about your achievements."
Have you ever had someone tell you a promotion wasn't a big deal because 'everyone gets a promotion'? Yeah...if one of your friends has something passive aggressive to say every time you're excited about something, it's time to ask yourself if it's really worth having them in your life.
10. They're snarky about your struggles, like breakups.
Everyone needs to take accountability for their actions, but it's odd if your friend is constantly criticizing you. If they seek ways to "constantly put you down, even under the guise of 'helpful advice,' Dr. Hafeez admits it's toxic behavior. There's no reason to call someone out of their name if you think they made an impulsive decision.
For example, your friend shouldn't be calling you a 'stupid b****' just because you dated someone you shouldn't have. We all make mistakes and sometimes this involves dating the wrong people. Based on my experience, I always feel like someone was looking for a way to call you something like that if they openly say it during a moment they're supposedly giving advice.
11. They openly diss a friend you have in common when that person isn't around
Let's be honest, a lot of people do this from church to family members. But if you've noticed your chosen friend consistently disses others when they're not around, it's a sign they're doing that with everyone. "They may even talk badly about you behind your back, show disloyalty in crucial moments, or side with others against you. There's inconsistent loyalty with toxic friends," says Bayramyan.
Not only that, but Dr. Hafeez says they could be "encouraging drama or division." Unfortunately, some people thrive on drama and love to include people in their misery.
Now that you know what toxic behavior is, here's how to redirect (or end) a friendship:
Ultimately, Dr. Hafeez says "toxic friends may cause dissension of friends by sowing seeds of doubt and animosity, often using manipulation or gossip to make others fight against one another." Your friends may even harbor sore feelings against you for refusing to see how much pain someone is causing. This stems from the toxic person's ability to "amplify insecurities by making some friends feel better or more important than others," she adds.
Toxic people have learned how to sway things in their favor in several ways. "By manipulating situations or twisting stories, toxic individuals can create misunderstandings or conflict between friends and turn friends against each other. They might intentionally pit friends against each other by comparing accomplishments or spreading jealousy, ultimately fostering resentment within the group," says Bayramyan.
Similar toe everything mentioned above, she says these people may control a friend group in the following ways:
- Cancelling plans
- Controlling group activities
- Disrupting events
"Toxic friends may encourage clique-like behavior, subtly excluding certain people to create a hierarchy or division," says Bayramyan.
It's time to kick toxicity out of your inner circle and life. But how?
If you're noticing these sneaky signs in among your friendships, you may be ready to completely cut your certain people off. However, Bayramyan wants to stop and think first. "Before ending things, consider why the friendship feels toxic and how it's impacting your well-being. Reflect first, be sure of your reasons and consider whether reconciliation is possible," she says.
Her steps to ending a friendship involve:
- Approach the conversation with empathy but clarity
- Briefly explain your reasons without placing blame
- After the breakup, set firm boundaries to avoid being pulled back in.
- Avoid situations where you're tempted to engage in emotional conversations with them.
if you're having a hard time being upfront with you friend, Bayramyan says you can "reduce contact gradually" by being "kind but firm, explaining how the friendship no longer feels healthy." Honestly, I'd never recommend someone ghost their friend the way I did even knowing I didn't know how to properly handle the realization things weren't the same.
Of this Bayramyan says, "Some people may need closure, while others don’t. Understand what feels right for you—whether it’s a final conversation or cutting ties more gradually." Also, she wants you to lean on other friends, family, or a therapist to process the end of the friendship and to help reaffirm your decision."
More importantly, she says to '"allow yourself to grieve and move on without second-guessing your decision."
Here are five tips Dr. Hafeez has for you to get rid of toxic friends:
- Set Clear Boundaries: If you're not ready to cut ties completely, start by setting firm boundaries—whether it's limiting contact, changing the nature of your interactions, or calling out specific toxic behaviors.
- Be Honest but Respectful: If you choose to address the situation directly, be honest about why you're ending the friendship, but try to be calm and respectful rather than confrontational. Focus on how the relationship has affected you, rather than attacking them personally.
- Keep It Short and Simple: You don't owe anyone an elaborate explanation. A straightforward "I don't think this friendship is healthy for me anymore" can be enough.
- Don't Get Drawn into Arguments: Toxic friends may try to guilt-trip or argue with you. Stay firm in your decision and avoid getting dragged into emotional battles.
- Prepare for Pushback: Be ready for them to resist or react negatively. They might try to manipulate you into staying or make you feel guilty, but stay confident in your decision.
- Don't Feel Guilty: Ending an abusive friendship is self-love, not selfishness. It's okay to put your emotional well-being before keeping a toxic relationship.
- Allow Time to Heal: After ending the friendship, give yourself time to process your emotions and heal. It might take some time to fully let go, but with support and reflection, you'll feel lighter and more at peace.
If you've left some toxic people behind and feel your circle's too small, here are 6 ways to attract friends that have more green flags!
