7 Signs Your Relationship Might Not Be As Healthy As You Think

The Moments That Sparked My Body Insecurity

I can't remember how old I was, but the first time I heard variations of, "She's so little. Are you sure you're feeding her," was from church and family members. Meant as harmless jokes, they caused me to become hyper aware of my body in a way I'd never been before.

I knew people looked different, but my innocence made me believe it didn't matter. Adults were the ones who taught me it did, and if you didn't look 'just right'? Well, you'd eventually hear hushed whispers about it. From that point on, I stopped being picky with my food and tried to eat more than I usually did. But, guess whose body remained the same?

The more I ate and the more my body didn't change, the more I started to resent it for not looking the way I thought a well-fed child's body should look.

Introduction To Puberty

By the time I'd reached 3rd grade, I started hearing whispers about girls who were going through puberty. There was a ton of excitement about getting your period, but mostly everyone talked about how bodies started to 'fill out.' I was disappointed when 'the change' didn't happen for me that year, but I kept hope alive. Needless to say, I didn't gain weight in elementary school even though my friends' bodies were changing.The only signs of puberty I had were the first signs of underarm and pubic hair.

I didn't get my period until after the first day of sixth grade. It was relatively uneventful because I wasn't in pain and didn't see the second one until months later. As the months passed, my periods came and went. But, my body still looked unappealing to me. It didn't help that the guys in school were looking at girls who were more curvaceous either. I had major side character energy in school (or so I thought) and it was awful IMO. It's not that I wasn't liked, but the guys I thought were worth going after had their sights set on girls who didn't look like me.

By the time I made it to my junior year in high school, I stopped worrying about my appearance as much. I'd stopped really focusing on boys and started having fun with new friends. That was the best year in high school because my elective was a journalism class where I became the entertainment editor for the school newspaper. As far as my body insecurity? I barely thought twice about it because I felt I had more to offer than looks.

The Slow Journey To Accepting My Body

By the time I was in my early twenties, it was beyond clear that the body I had was the one given to me. I was tired of wishing I wasn't so slender and decided to start accepting my body for how it looked. I wish I could say I was 100% okay with my body after writing down a ton of affirmations to look at daily, but I wasn't.

I didn't start making peace with being slender until after I turned 28 (right after this photo was taken), and it started to feel good to stop worrying about why I wasn't a certain size. I'd wake up and be more concerned about wearing things that made me feel good instead of fixating on why my body was so small. Honestly, I didn't even flinch the day I found out I was pregnant because I figured I wouldn't gain much weight.

Pregnancy + Postpartum Body Changes

I should've prefaced that last sentence by saying I was convinced I'd still be small during pregnancy because my mom was small — like me — until her second pregnancy. Along with other people, I thought I'd have a round basketball in my stomach and that would be it. But, the day my stepdad rushed my fiancé and I to the hospital so I could give birth is the day I realized I'd gone from 117 pounds to 157.

I was blissfully unaware that my body had changed that much, and it was shocking because I couldn't fit into my carefully curated pre-pregnancy wardrobe. Not only was my postpartum body sore, but it also felt like I'd sprouted extra inches around my waist, hips, and thighs. I went from wanting those things to hating them when they started showing up.

I was devastated because I felt like I'd just learned how to accept my body, only to find new changes waiting for me to welcome into the picture. Also, everything was so soft and squishy — unlike the days where my slender frame felt like it had just enough to cover my bones.

Sadly, I lashed out at my fiancé a ton because I felt uncomfortable in my body — even though he couldn't see anything wrong with it. I was convinced he was trying to do damage control every time he tried to reassure me because I was dealing with major body insecurity.

I didn't start to truly see myself until I started going back to therapy and chose to accept my body as it is. This didn't happen overnight either. I wrote a ton of affirmations on sticky notes to place on my bathroom mirror, and recounted all the miraculous changes my body's gone through over the years. I also started giving myself grace for all the times I wasn't so kind to my body and made myself live in that space until it didn't feel like I had imposter syndrome anymore.

At the time of writing this, my son is three and I'm finally able to look in the mirror without criticizing myself — and I have the fourth trimester to thank for that. My postpartum body expanded in ways I never thought was possible, and it's shown me that change is only bad when I try to hold tight to other people's expectations.

How I Maintain Love For My Postpartum Body

Technically I haven't been postpartum in a while, but I always refer to my body this way because it serves as a reminder that it's been a long journey towards acceptance. The ways I continue to pour into myself vary from day to day, but here's the gist of what helps:

1. Daily Affirmations
2. Words Of Encouragement From My Partner
3. Reminders That My Body Knew What To Do To Carry A Child For 9 Months
4. Wearing Clothes I Genuinely Feel Good In
5. Replacing Negative Thoughts With Positive Ones
6. Giving Myself Grace For All The Moments I Hated My Body
7. Daily Gratitude Practice
8. Accepting That My Body Will Ebb & Flow Over The Years
9. Solo Dance Parties In My Bra & Underwear (I'm so serious, ha!)
10. Touching The Expanded Parts Of My Body & Saying "Hi")
    

Why do people want to share their relationship status with others?

My sister used to ask me this question when I was in my 20's, and I always looked at her like she had two heads growing. I couldn't fathom the idea that people wouldn't want to talk about their relationship online because it felt like everyone was doing it. I mean, a study from Pew Research Center shows 8 in 10 people on social media see relationship posts, so it clearly wasn't outrageous to think it was normal.

But, that still doesn't answer why people are drawn to sharing cute little updates about their partner or relationship. Luckily, Bray has a good indication of what drives people to give others a sneak peek into their lives. "People share their relationship status for all kinds of reasons. Some want to mark their territory — nothing says 'back off' quite like a cute couple selfie! Others are just excited and proud of their partner and want to share the joy," she says. That stems from people's "need for a sense of belonging or to receive positive reinforcement from others," she adds.

But, this doesn't necessarily make people weird. It's just human nature that makes us act the way we do. "We as humans are just hard wired to seek connection, and broadcasting our connections, makes us feel more accepted and secure in our social lives."

Should couples have conversations about their social media expectations?

I don't care how hot you think someone is, you're going to have to learn how to communicate with them. It's true even if your chemistry is off-the-charts because healthy relationships don't fall out of the sky. They're built via honesty, respect, forgiveness, and other important factors.

Before assuming your partner is or isn't okay with you posting about your relationship, Bray is 100% convinced you should talk things through. "Social media is still in the wild west of relationship etiquette, and without discussions, assumptions about 'correct' behavior can run wild," she hints. For example, you could be happily posting about your partner only for someone to point out that they're not following you on social media.

"Some people are super private, while others practically live their lives online. Misunderstandings happen when expectations aren't laid out so talking about it can prevent messiness in the long run," Bray observes.

If two people have gone on a couple of dates, should one of them be upset if the other isn't publicly talking about them?

So, you swiped right on Tinder or Bumble, and you had a few amazing dates with one of your matches. Before you start publicly declaring your love for them, Bray wants you to reconsider. "Hold on! It's just a few dates! Let’s pump the brakes. The early stages of dating is not the time to make grand social declarations," she declares. As someone who tried to 'date' people from Tinder, those first few dates aren't a guarantee that you've found the love of your life.

"Posting someone on social media can feel like a big step to some people so expecting that level of public commitment too soon might be too much pressure. If you’re already thinking, 'Why haven’t they posted about me yet?' after two dates, it might be a good time to check in with yourself about where those expectations are coming from," advises Bray.

I've recovered from my former, "Is he the one" obsession so also take it from me — see where things go first and then refer back to question #2!

Is it a red flag if someone doesn't post their partner on social media?

It would be so much fun if we personally had Dustin Poynter, the flag guy, from TikTok helping point us in the right direction — but this is one of those things that errs on the subjective side. Though Bray doesn't feel it's necessarily healthier to keep your relationship private, she thinks "context matters." "Some people are just more private or feel weird about social media in general," she says.

But, that doesn't mean certain behaviors don't warrant a few eyebrow raises. She notes," If someone is super active on social—like posting about their dog’s morning routine and every cupcake they’ve ever had—but doesn't ever mention their partner, it could create a need for a deeper conversation." Before you feel justified about grilling your partner — as satisfactory as that may feel — take a second to breathe.

Bray would prefer you work to understand "why they don't post, rather than assuming your partner is keep you a secret." If you discover the latter to be true, follow your instincts and let that person go because you don't deserve that!

Do you think it's healthier for couples to keep certain aspects of their relationship private?

Everyone has a different view of what makes a romantic relationship healthy, so this is one of those things Bray says, "absolutely depends on the couple" because some "genuinely enjoy sharing their lives online." You've probably seen your share of couples who make cute content together whether they're married or not. I'd be lying if I said I don't specifically keep up with a few whose content makes me smile.

But, other couples may not be interested in sharing their relationship online because they "want to be private and keep the relationship free from the judgements or opinions of others," according to Bray. That's not to say they have something to hide, though. Instead, think of it as a personal preference.

"As long as both partners are on the same page and it’s not a source of tension, it’s all about finding the balance that works for them. If it starts to feel like a performance for likes rather than genuine connection, though, that’s where it can become problematic," Bray reminds.

How can someone bring up their partner's posting habits without sounding accusatory?

You may feel eager about posting about your partner while they're less enthusiastic and this could make you feel upset. It's easy to jump to conclusions when you're already upset, but Bray feels "tone is everything." Ironically, she suggests something I've heard in therapy sessions and that's "to be curious, not confrontational." Hopefully this stopped you in your tracks if you were ready to give your partner a piece of your mind.

"You can say something like, 'Hey, I’ve noticed we haven’t shared much about each other on social media? What’s your take on sharing stuff about us online?' It’s important to frame it as a mutual exploration of rather than a demand for a public declaration," Bray points out.

What would you tell someone who wants to emulate couples who consistently post content together?

We've all seen couples who we think have the cutest relationship, even though we've never met them before. As much as you may admire a couple, Bray thinks it's a "slipper slope" if you want to try to recreate their online moments. "I’d encourage someone to focus more on what makes their own relationship feel fulfilling, rather than chasing #couplesgoals," she encourages.

However, this isn't a sign that you're not supposed to ever share anything about your partner or relationship! "If posting together feels fun and real, go for it! But if it starts feeling like a performance or that you are in competition with other couples, it's probably good to take a step back," she warns.

Also, keep in mind that social media doesn't show you every single moment of couples' lives so don't worry about trying to look picture perfect based on a 30 second to 30 minute video.

In The Woods

This is first book in Tana's Dublin Murder Squad series — and it also happens to be her first book she ever published! The story takes place in the summer of 1984 in a small-town suburb of Dublin, Ireland. One night, three children don't come home from playing with their friends. The only thing the police find? A small boy terrified, covered in blood, and unable to remember any of the events that occurred that night.

20 years later, that same petrified boy is now a Dublin detective — Detective Rob — and trying desperately to forget his past (the parts he does remember). Rob is forced to address his past when a young girl is found the exact way he was 20 years ago. Now, he has no choice but to confront what happened...and potentially the killer.

The Likeness

In this Dublin Murder Squad sequel, we revisit Cassie Maddox from book 1, who is forced to go back to her old town because of a — you guessed it — murder. She has to go to a crime scene and help solve the case of a girl who was killed wearing an ID of Cassie's old alias. The story keeps getting stranger and stranger for Cassie as she doesn't know who this woman was, or who killed her.

Faithful Place

Book three in this series follows Frank Mackey, who in 1985 was planning on running away with his girlfriend...only for her to mysteriously never show up. Frank decided it was probably because she didn't want to be with him anymore. Taking her absence as an answer, he left — but little did he know that Rosie never went home either. Years later, her suitcase shows up at Frank's door, and he's forced to go home to discover what happened to her, once and for all.

Broken Harbour

In the fourth installment of this series, we meet Mick — a type A, rule-follower detective on the Dublin Murder Squad. However, when a new murder throws him for a loop, all bets are off. A family in a rich, new development gets murdered mysteriously, and the wife is the only surviving victim. While she's in intensive care, Mick has to figure out why there are dubious and strange factors in the house — like 12 baby monitors focused on holes in the walls, or files being wiped on the family's computer. It's a suspicious case, and what makes it harder is that it's in the neighborhood where Mick, himself, has history. Keep reading to see how this interesting mystery gets solved...or doesn't.

The Secret Place

The fifth book of the Dublin Murder series follows Stephen, a young detective wanting to have his shot at joining the Murder Squad. When Detective Frank Mackey's daughter, Holly, comes into the station with crucial evidence, Stephen realizes this is a crime that he just might be able to solve. Suddenly, Stephen, Frank, and Holly team up to figure out how his Holly's friend group might be up to no good.

The Trespasser

In French's most recent Dublin Murder Squad book, she tells us the story of Young Detective Antoinette, who isn't sure if she belongs in the murder squad. She's trying to make her way through cases, but feels out of place...that is, until a woman's body shows up, and it could be a potential lovers quarrel-gone-wrong!

Everyone's telling Antoinette that it was the boyfriend, but she can't help but think there's more to the story than meets the eye. The woman's friends say she was in danger, and there seems to be a lurking presence in the town that Antoinette can't get away from. Soon, she won't be able to tell the difference from the girl's killer or Antoinette's own stalker.

The Witch Elm

In this new standalone story by Tana French, Toby is out with his friends one night when he's viciously attacked by burglars. The injuries leave him needing care and seeking refuge in the home of his dying uncle, who needs care of his own. The two are able to help each other, until Toby finds a skull in the trunk of the elm tree out back. Detectives start to uncover pieces in this mystery, as Toby comes to terms with the fact that his past isn't what he thought it was...

The Searcher

This book has over 139,000 reviews on Goodreads, so you know it's actually a good read. This book the first of a murder mystery series about Cal Hooper, a retired former detective who buys a rustic house in a small, Irish village after his divorce. Cal thinks he's going to get a new life, to start over and find some peace. But when a young boy recruits him to help find his missing brother, Cal uncovers secrets to this town and it might not be as peaceful as he once thought. Will he get himself — and the young boy — into trouble? Or be able to save the day and his new town? Read to find out!

The Hunter

In part two of Tana's newest series, Cal has finally built a life for himself. He has a girlfriend, a home he's working on, and a young teenager, Trey, that he's trying to help. But when Trey's absent father comes back into the picture, wreaking havoc and mystery, Cal and his girlfriend are trying to do all they can to protect the young girl. However, Trey's dad brought in a millionaire with a mission to find gold in the town, making their efforts much more difficult. Will they be able to protect Trey from her father, or is it too late?

You'll be dying to find out how Tana's most recent novel ends! Don't believe me? Everyone from the Associated Press to The Washington Post has rave reviews for this sequel!