I recently bumped into my mom's friend (we'll call her Pam) at the grocery store. I hadn't seen Pam in years and we had a great conversation catching up. Days later, Pam called my mom and said, "Let me get this straight. Bridget is 38, has a great job, and tons of friends. Why is she still single? Doesn't she want kids?"
I was insulted. During our conversation, I had beamed with pride when I told Pam I'd been doing stand-up comedy and that I'm currently writing a book. Didn't she hear that? Even though I was offended, I would be lying if I never asked the same questions about another woman. I've been Pam—numerous times.
It's not my or Pam's fault that we immediately question why a woman is still single. It's ingrained in American society that a person isn't complete unless they have a significant other. Growing up, mainstream media, movies, and TV shows made one thing clear: Being partnered off is always the end goal.
Up until a few years ago, I thought it was my goal. Despite my own parents' divorce, I believed that getting married was the only way to live life, and that kids were the cherry on top.
Yet, after ending a serious relationship at age 34, instead of going for a revenge body or swiping right to find a replacement boyfriend, I did something completely out of the box for me: I signed up for a comedic writing class. Not only did I uncover my desire to write and perform comedy, but I discovered something I had never thought possible—I was happy being single!
What is Single Shaming?
In order to understand single shaming, we must understand shame. I spoke to Kelley Kitley, L.C.S.W., a Chicago-based women's mental health expert, who explained that shame is feeling embarrassed by something you did or didn't do, and knowing that other people are aware of it... which in turn, makes you feel less than or defective.
"Single shaming definitely comes from society and is extremely relatable. There's an expectation of adults to hit certain milestones in their life and one of those is to get married. Therefore, if someone is not married by a certain age, not only do others tend to think there is something wrong with that person, but that person ends up spending so much energy and focus on dating and chasing marriage, that they lose out on all these other things that would bring them joy," said Kitley.
I got so caught up in finding a husband that I dated several men I didn't have anything in common with or even really like. I would put up with poor behavior and would ignore red flags just to keep up with society's timeline. In the end, as much as it would be nice to have a plus one at a wedding, I'm much happier being on my own than with the wrong person—even if that puzzles Pam.
How to Move Past Single Shaming
Kitley and I spoke about how to get over single shaming and start living your life on your own terms. Here are five ways to do it:
Change Your Perception
Stop focusing on what you don't have and start focusing on what you do have. Take five minutes and write down five things you like about your life. Is it your job? Your friends? Your neighborhood? Now write down five things you like about yourself. Is it your hair? Your ability to make friends quickly? Your cooking skills? Are you smiling yet? Focus on the qualities you like about yourself. A partner should just be a bonus. It's like ordering your favorite pizza and the restaurant screws up and delivers two. Score! The extra pizza is great, but you would have been happy with just one.
Stop Comparing
Stop comparing yourself to your friends, siblings, coworkers, your neighbors—everyone. And DEFINITELY stop comparing your life to what your parents were doing at your age. Not only does this breed jealousy, it makes you feel less than. Besides, society has changed in major ways since our parents were young. People are getting married later (if at all) and women are much more able to have fulfilling careers. It's like comparing apples to oranges.
Embrace It
When you're single, you can do pretty much whatever you want, which is amazing. Poll your friends with partners and/or kids and ask them the last time they made a decision without having to take someone else into consideration. When you're single, you can watch whatever TV show you want, choose the takeout order, eat the last cookie. You can take two naps on a Saturday, spend too much money on a pair of shoes, and book a trip to Rome. Someday, you might have a partner and kids and these decisions might be looked at as a luxury.
Try Something New
After the break-up I mentioned earlier, I was in a rut. My life felt stale. I would go to work, come home, watch TV, and scroll social media. Most of my friends were married by then, the bar scene was getting old, and I was bored. The writing class I took changed my life immensely. Clearly not everyone is interested in writing, but find something that might pique your interest and go for it.
Allow Yourself to Feel How You Feel
Maybe you've been on all the apps and you can't figure out why you're not meeting the right person. If you're frustrated, feel frustrated. If you're sad, feel sad. If you're angry, feel angry. Like everything in life, moderation is key and swiping fatigue is real. Taking a break from the apps, dating, and the energy poured into thinking about relationships will help to reset your goals and what you value in life.
None of this is to say wanting a relationship, marriage, or kids is wrong... it's most certainly not. I adore great love stories and rom-coms. It's just that when I stopped focusing on finding a romantic relationship, I found myself. There will always be a Pam shaming you, so why do it yourself?
If you liked this story from Bridget, tune into Teach Me Something New, a podcast where Brit Morin talks with guests about everything under the sun, from creativity and relationships to mental wellness and entrepreneurship.
Featured photo via Jeffery Erhunse/Unsplash.
