A "Sleep Divorce" May Be Just The Thing Your Relationship Needs, According To A Clinical Sleep Psychologist

How does anxiety affect our nervous system?

No matter how many therapy sessions I've had, I can't always remember how anxiety affects our nervous system. Kelsey Thompson said, "Anxiety, much like trauma, causes the flight, fight or freeze response to be activated. Cortisol and adrenaline flood our system and cause our heart to race, breathing to speed up, muscle tension, energy is moved from the stomach to more needed areas — such as the muscle and heart — causing stomach issues such as IBS, constipation, stomach aches." It's clear that the list goes on and on.

Dr. Poffenroth further elaborated on the muscle tension that's often caused by anxiety. "Studies have shown that even when at rest, people with anxiety disorders constantly have more tense muscles. Constantly tense muscles can cause physical discomfort, which can make anxiety symptoms worse. The body's 'fight or flight' response is being repeatedly triggered, which is causing this tension." Unfortunately this leaves bodies in a constant state of believing it has to be ready to respond to threats.

So, what are the long-term effects of being in a state of 'fight or flight?' "Research suggests that long term this can lead to more chronic issues such as high blood pressure, insulin resistance, inflammation and chronic stomach issues," Thompson said.

Why does it feel like all of our anxious thoughts occur at night?

This leads to the looming big question — why does it feel like our minds race at night? Thompson said, "Often we are so distracted and so busy throughout the day that we are able to push away our anxious thoughts. In American culture we are so wired to do a million things each day, work, clean, cook, sometimes take care of children, that there is often not a lot of time to let ourselves process or thoughts and emotions."

It's one of the things I realized after becoming a mom. You'd think I'd be used to the impossible juggling act that comes with that, but I'm often reminded that no one is able to do everything. It's one of the reasons both Thompson and Dr. Poffenroth said our anxiety goes haywire at night.

Thompson said," When you aren’t distracted by tasks and you slow yourself down and lay in bed trying to get to sleep, you start processing through things, often this is when anxiety can flood in which makes it difficult to fall asleep or stay asleep if you wake up in the middle of the night."

What's the science behind it? "In low light, the brain's fear center, the amygdala, becomes more active. Studies suggest that there was a decrease in activation in the amygdala and an increase in functional activity in the dark. This increased susceptibility may result in a rise in thoughts that make one anxious," Dr. Poffenroth said.

This has everything to do with the survival tactics that kept our ancestors alive. "When it's dark outside, the brain is more sensitive to possible dangers, even when none exist. Even though it was originally necessary for survival, this evolutionary adaptation can now cause increased anxiety at night," Dr. Poffenroth continued.

What are signs that someone's mind is racing at night?

It's likely you're able to recognize when you're having anxious thoughts at night after the fact, but sometimes you're not always aware in the moment. According to Thompson, some of the thoughts you could be having are:

• Having spiraling thoughts and repeating them for prolonged periods of time
• Ruminating about the past, present or future,
• Thinking about what you may have said to someone that day
• Worrying about what people think of you,
• Worrying about the future or others

She said this could physically show up as you being unable to wind down or relax. "You may feel the need to continuously do something or even scroll on your phone as a distraction technique," she mentioned.

Guilty as charged.

To add to that, Dr. Poffenroth said your "inability to 'switch off'" your thoughts is the most common indicator that your anxiety is running the show at night.

"This cognitive hyperarousal can seriously obstruct one's capacity to go asleep and stay asleep through the night. The 'what if' scenarios or reflections on past events that frequently accompany the racing thoughts can lead to a vicious cycle of worry that can be challenging to break on one's own," she noted.

I've found that I don't experience bouts of insomnia like I used to, but there are nights where I wake up every few hours instead of sleeping soundly. If my anxiety spiral is really bad, I even have a series of weird dreams that wake me bolt out of bed to make sure I'm not fighting some terrible monster who has a personal vendetta against me.

Is there a way to stop the anxious spiral that happens when we're trying to get rest?

If you're trying to figure out if you'll ever learn how to stop anxious thoughts at night, know that you're not 'broken.' Just like in Inside Out 2, anxiety wants to keep us safe and will employ any tactic it can so we can plan for possible threats. To help your anxiety understand that you're not being harmed, Thompson suggested utilizing grounding techniques.

She said this can look like:

• Using guided meditation
• Listening to sleep sounds music
• Keeping your environment cold and dark for sleeping
• Burning energy before bed by going on evening walks, to the gym after dinner or taking hot baths for relaxation before bed
• Practicing mindfulness and learning challenging and cognitive restructuring skills from CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)

Dr. Poffenroth said, "Cognitive restructuring is an effective method to stop the anxious spiral that occurs when trying to sleep. This method is questioning and rephrasing nervous thoughts. The procedure entails recognizing negative thought patterns, assessing their veracity, and swapping them out for more realistic, balanced ideas."

This is another tool I use when I'm still a little anxious after choosing a grounding technique to focus on. It feels silly to ask yourself, "Is ______ true in this situation," but Dr. Poffenroth said it helps you reassess things so your perceived fear about something can eventually stop disrupting your sleep.

What's the worst thing someone with anxiety can do before going to bed?

Now that we know why we have anxious thought at night, it's time to discuss changing some of our nighttime habits. The first thing Thompson wants you to stop doing is relying on caffeine after 12 or 1 p.m. This sounds like punishment for those of us who love our midday coffee runs, but that extra caffeine may be causing more harm than good.

Also, she doesn't want you to scroll on social media or check your to-do list before going to bed. This is something my work bestie has advised me against doing, but I haven't quite tricked my mind into putting my phone down before going to sleep.

The last thing she says you should avoid doing is getting into a huge argument with someone that goes unresolved. "These are all things that will make it difficult to sleep if you have anxiety at night," Thompson said.

Additionally, Dr. Poffenroth wants you to leave your work emails in your inbox until the next day. "It can be extremely difficult to de-stress and go asleep after engaging in these activities because they raise stress levels and stimulate the sympathetic nervous system."

I know we like to trick ourselves into believing we can work ahead, but the work will always be there. I learned this the hard way when I thought it would be a good ideas to tackle five projects one night only to have more tasks to complete the following day. In addition to missing out on valuable sleep, I was even more anxious the next day.

Dr. Poffenroth said, "Taking up work-related topics right before bed can set off a chain reaction of ideas about outstanding work or impending difficulties, resulting in a restless night's sleep. Setting up a distinct boundary between work and play is essential for encouraging improved sleep hygiene and lowering anxiety."

What are helpful ways to induce a proper night's rest that's void of anxious thoughts?

Therapy is where I started learning how to be aware of my anxious thoughts and it's something Thompson recommends. She said you can also, "Use exercise as medicine, take hot baths at night for relaxation, and make sure you get morning sunlight because this helps with sleep issues." For more information about how to improve your sleep skills, she suggests you listen to the Huberman Labs podcast on sleep skills).

Other helpful things she believes you can do to avoid having anxious thoughts at night are:

• Journaling after dinner before you start your wind down routine
• Focusing on progressive muscle relaxation skills like yoga or stretching to get connected to your body and out of your mind
• Discussing medication options with your doctor (non addictive sleep medications can help)

Dr. Poffenroth also believes you should focus on your breathing. "Deep breathing exercises are a very powerful tool for helping you get a good night's sleep free from worrying thoughts (via Cleveland Clinic). The parasympathetic nervous system, which is in charge of the body's rest and digest processes, is triggered by deep breathing. This activation aids in mitigating the effects of the sympathetic nervous system, which is frequently hyperactive in anxious people."

She said some of the benefits of deep breathing are:

• Decreased blood pressure and heart rate
• An induced relaxed state that's optimal for having a good night's rest

"In addition to being a mindfulness exercise, this method helps to focus attention on the here and now rather than on worrying thoughts," she added.

Can anxious thoughts be completely avoided?

This is a question I've asked myself before, but Thompson has some news for anyone us who want to banish anxiety for good. "Anxious thoughts are a natural part of the human experience, but you can learn to manage them, get skilled at mindfulness and learn to not spiral or ruminate," she said.

Dr. Poffenroth actually advises against in trying to get rid of your anxious thoughts, too. "Attempting to repress them may make them worse. Because of the way the brain functions, thoughts become more present the more we attempt to suppress them," she says. "It's more important to recognize anxiety, accept it as a normal aspect of life, and develop healthy coping mechanisms."

The moment I accepted my anxiety instead of trying to douse lighter fluid on it is when I started making a breakthrough in therapy and my everyday life. It's silly, but I like to check in with my anxiety to see why it's on edge. This is a huge nod to the cognitive restructuring Dr. Poffenroth mentioned earlier.

What can someone tell themselves if they can't stop thinking about past or present situations at night?

I'm one of those people who writes everything down. I have a list of affirmations prayers I refer to when I'm feeling anxious

• Thoughts are just thoughts-you don’t need to give them meaning.
• Things to not always go according to plan--- and that is ok!
• You CAN change the way you think.
• Don’t feed your fears- avoidance makes things worse.
• Remember your strengths- they are so much stronger than your fears.
• Your physical health is entirely linked to your mental health.
• Managing your anxiety is a skill—you must practice it like any other skill.
• Everyone makes mistakes, failure is a part of life and is inevitable.
• Don’t take life too seriously.
• You deserve to be happy.
• Everything changes and ends, that is part of life --- change is uncomfortable but that’s how you grow.
• Pain is a part of life, suffering is optional.
• And will this matter 5 years from now? If yes, then ok. It's valid to spend some energy thinking about this. If not then it’s not worth being anxious about this.

Another phrase Dr. Poffenroth wants you to say to yourself when you're having anxious thoughts is, "I am safe in the present moment." She believes this can be a useful reminder if you're truly struggling with your thoughts at night.

"By anchoring attention in the present reality, this statement acts as a grounding technique, helping to divert attention from thoughts about the past or future that cause anxiety. This strategy is in line with mindfulness exercises, which have been demonstrated to be successful in easing the symptoms of anxiety," she shared.

By reminding yourself that you're safe in your bed, your thoughts won't have as much of a big impact on you like they usually do.

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Themes For Your November Horoscope In 2024

This month kicks off with the New Moon in Scorpio on November 1st, helping you see how you're being of service to yourself and others. Due to Scorpio's vibe of death and regeneration, this lunation will also materialize the importance of “clearing out” from the old. Remember last month’s solar eclipse?

This New Moon in Scorpio extends the path for you to turn over a new leaf and actualize your desired changes. Make a move.

The communication signals will power up as Mercury enters Sagittarius on November 2nd, manifesting a feeling of warmth and hope in our messages. The dialogue exchanged will be inspiring and educational.

Share information that will benefit others. You'll experience serendipitous moments as you give back.

Our drive and bravado will turn up as the motivator planet Mars enters Leo on November 3rd. Our self-worth will drive passion and desire. Step forward and claim your desire.

Create your masterpiece and watch it come to life. Believe.

Love will shift to rationality and structure as Venus shifts into Capricorn on November 11. These next several weeks will help you gauge more accordingly with long-term plans and practical concerns. It will also invoke a more grounded approach to romance and dating.

Slow and steady builds stronger foundations in love.

On November 15th, the Full Moon in Taurus illuminates the sky, highlighting the importance of taking the reigns through a measured approach. With the rebel planet, Uranus, in alignment with this full moon, it will stir up massive changes involving our narrative and how we are playing our part in our storyline. It can lead to impulsive moves, so remember to be intentional. The great news is that Saturn, the structure planet, is direct today, bringing more clarity regarding our direction.

Brilliance awaits as you hold steady.

Buckle up! On November 19th, Pluto ingresses into Aquarius, settling into this future-oriented sign. Anticipate significant technological advancements, including refined artificial intelligence, quantum computing breakthroughs, renewable energy innovations, and immersive virtual reality experiences. Side note: VR Games like Supernatural(I'm a BIG fan!) are revolutionizing workouts, allowing people to exercise in other worlds while engaging with a supportive community for weight loss, endorphins, and positive accountability. As you visualize your ideal paradigm, Pluto will guide you toward the tools or necessary changes to attract your desired results. Embrace this transformation and let go of outdated constructs, paving the way for a brighter, more interconnected future.

Happiness and fulfillment await those willing to adapt and grow.

This month ends with the Sun in Sagittarius on November 21 and Mercury Retrograde on November 25. Sagittarius season invokes wanderlust, adventure, and growth. Remember that you'll reign this season as you remain open-minded to new concepts and ideas.

Close-mindedness and dismissiveness of others' input lead to dead ends.

As we conclude working with Mercury’s backspin this month, steer clear of making traveling plans (like booking a ticket/itinerary), launching a business, or signing contracts. Plus, it will help you streamline your messages, think through your personal beliefs, and change your attitudes towards life. Going through reflection will help you gravitate toward your desired outcomes.

Which signs will be most affected in November?

As we journey through November 2024, Scorpio, Taurus, Aquarius, and Sagittariuswill each feel the cosmic waves uniquely. Scorpios will harness the transformative energy of the New Moon to reflect on their desires and initiate powerful changes. Taurus will be called to acknowledge new narratives during the Full Moon, prompting them to take control of their path and make intentional decisions. Aquarians will experience a significant shift as Pluto settles into their sign, inviting them to envision a brighter future and release old patterns that no longer serve them. Meanwhile, Sagittarians will be inspired by the Sun’s entry into their sign, igniting a sense of adventure and growth. However, they should navigate Mercury's retrograde carefully to avoid miscommunications and hasty decisions. Allow these energies to guide you toward a more fulfilled and intentional existence this month!

​Key Dates & Transits This Week

• 11/1 New Moon in Scorpio
• 11/2 Mercury enters Sagittarius
• 11/3 Mars enters Leo
• 11/11 Venus enters Capricorn
• 11/15 Full Moon in Taurus, Saturn Direct
• 11/19 Pluto re-enters Aquarius
• 11/21 Sun enters Sagittarius
• 11/25 Mercury Retrograde in Sagittarius

​Read Your November Horoscope For Your Sun & Rising Signs

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

Themes: Investments and Ambition

This month brings transformative opportunities for personal growth and ambition. The New Moon in Scorpio encourages you to dive deep into your desires and set intentions for long-term investments. As Mercury enters Sagittarius, your voice shines, sparking optimism and inspiring connections. Let love lead the way as Mars in Leo ignites your creative passion and pushes you to take bold steps in your relationships. Make a move while factoring in your happiness. The Full Moon in Taurus prompts you to let go of unwanted habits while tying loose ends with finances. The great news is that your adventurous spirit flourishes with the Sun entering Sagittarius later this month. Be mindful of impulsive trips or conversations, as Mercury retrograde calls for thoughtful reflection on your plans and communication style.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

Themes: Connection and Identity

Expect a month filled with deeper connections and self-reflection as you reassess your values and domestic life. The New Moon in Scorpio encourages the exploration of your love life and partnerships, manifesting progress. With Mercury shifting into Sagittarius, discussions around shared resources become enriching and insightful. Consolidate your research or your internal landscape of beliefs and get to the bottom of what keeps you from attracting more abundance. Mars in Leo energizes your home life, inspiring you to create a nurturing environment. Rearrange furniture or begin visualizing your ideal home life — this new pattern will attract movement in your domestic life. The Full Moon in your sign focuses on your identity, offering a moment of self-realization and understanding about how you need to reshape your narrative. Mercury retrograde will help you retrace your steps regarding merged resources and enable you to work out your financial priorities or unresolved debts — research methods.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

Themes: Wellness and Subconscious Needs

Prepare for a month rich in exploration and relationship review, inviting you to evaluate your connections and daily routines. The New Moon in Scorpio prompts you to reflect on health and work, paving the way for beneficial changes. Begin a new protocol and establish a sacred practice involving wellness that will reorient you with your goals. With Mercury entering Sagittarius, your focus shifts toward partnerships, enhancing the depth of your conversations. Work on listening intently to your partner or connections to find practical solutions. Mars in Leo ignites your curiosity, encouraging the pursuit of fresh ideas. Get involved in the local realms and initiate conversations — this will inspire you. Mid-month, the Full Moon in Taurus sheds light on your subconscious, urging you to confront hidden fears and clear out. The Sun in Sagittarius with Mercury retrograde will help you backtrack and analyze your relationships and their direction.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Themes: Happiness and Friendship Circles

This month invites you to balance your daily routines with self-care for emotional fulfillment. The New Moon in Scorpio inspires you to understand the core of your joy and what fulfills you. Mercury’s entry into Sagittarius shifts your focus to daily routines, enhancing discussions around wellness. Health is wealth. As you focus on your overall well-being, abundance will follow. The great news is that Mars in Leo energizes your financial goals, motivating proactive steps forward, so taking care of yourself this month will ensure the results. Later this month, the Full Moon in Taurus highlights your social circles, prompting a reassessment of friendships. As Pluto in Aquarius encourages transformative growth, the Sun’s ingress into Sagittarius and Mercury retrograde emphasizes health, inviting you to take self-care practices and review how you typically extend your energy to others.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Themes: Fulfillment and Reassess Life Purpose

Get ready for a vibrant month of self-discovery and creative expression. The New Moon in Scorpio prompts you to reflect on your domestic life and family, inspiring you to cultivate a supportive environment while establishing your terms. With Mercury entering Sagittarius, your focus turns to love and creativity, allowing you to step out of your comfort zone and explore these realms of joy. Mars in your sign boosts your confidence, empowering decisive actions in your pursuits. Be yourself and ignite your fire to get things done. Mid-month, the Full Moon in Taurus highlights your professional aspirations, prompting you to reassess your career goals. Factor in what makes you happy and optimizes your energy. The Sun's entry in Sagittarius alongside Mercury retrograde will help you backtrack and align with your priorities in love and your creative potential.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Themes: Ideas and Past Aspirations

This month brings clarity and enriched communication, inviting you to refine your thoughts and deepen your familial connections. The New Moon in Scorpio encourages engagement with new ideas and community interactions, promoting open dialogue. Being openhearted and receptive to people's feedback will lead to breakthroughs in your development. Mercury’s transition into Sagittarius shifts your focus to home and family, enhancing emotional discussions regarding your direction. Be curious in your approach; it will heal your unresolved matters. Mars in Leo energizes your subconscious, motivating you to confront hidden fears while helping you understand your habitual patterns. Rest and reflect. Mid-month, the Full Moon in Taurus prompts reflection on your philosophical outlook and long-term goals. Look back at your old journals or past aspirations to fill the gaps in your story. Mercury's backspin entails reviewing your next steps involving your emotional security — look within yourself and align with your feelings instead of seeking external validation.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Themes: Self-Worth and Vulnerability

You're in for a month filled with financial themes and meaningful interactions, guiding you to reassess your values and friendships. The New Moon in Scorpio inspires you to reflect on personal resources, setting intentions for more stability. This is an opportunity to revamp your approach to money and security — research new methods that will attract more abundance. As Mercury enters Sagittarius, your focus shifts to engaging conversations and learning opportunities. It is also an excellent opportunity to network locally and gain traction and confidence with the side hustles you may be working on. Mars in Leo energizes your social life, motivating you to cultivate new friendships and connections that will get you one step closer to achieving your long-term aspirations. Mid-month, the Full Moon in Taurus highlights shared resources, prompting a reassessment of intimate relationships and closing the chapter on any outmoded approaches. By the end of this month, Mercury retrograde will enable you to reflect on old ideas that may have rested on the back burner. This is your chance to let your past endeavors rest or revive once Mercury goes direct.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Themes: Self-Empowerment and Commitment

Embrace a month of self-confidence and financial insight! The New Moon in your sign empowers you to set intentions for your goals and new beginnings. You're worthy, as this is your chance to establish a new seed based on what's aligned with your heart. As Mercury moves into Sagittarius, your focus shifts to finances, enhancing your ability to express your needs clearly. It can lead to frivolous spending, so be mindful of ongoing patterns that can result in retail therapy. Your hard work will pay off as Mars in Leo energizes your career ambitions, motivating you to make bold moves. You'll shine as you begin to dream bigger and aim higher. Mid-month, the Full Moon in Taurus illuminates your partnerships, prompting a reassessment of commitments and closing the chapter on past disagreements. Hold space for your heart and your past to find a solution. As this month closes, Mercury retrograde will enable you to feel more in your power as you analyze your self-worth and become intentional with your next steps in financial planning or business endeavors. Clarity will be set next month.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Themes: Revelation and Health

Get ready for a month of revelations and enriching opportunities. The month begins with the New Moon in Scorpio inviting you to assess your emotional patterns, reorienting you toward powering up your inner belief and renewal. Begin an affirmation practice because this lunation will level up your manifestation abilities. Mercury gracing in your sign will invoke clarity and enhance your ability to articulate your ideas. Traveling or seeking out new experiences will be your go-to course, as Mars in Leo fuels your adventurous spirit, motivating you to seek a new perspective. Taking a class or engaging in higher study will fulfill you. Mid-month, the Full Moon in Taurus shifts attention to your work life and health, helping you to assess your well-being. Release whatever is weighing down at work or mental patterns — focus on one thing at a time to ensure productivity. Later this month, your season begins while Mercury retrograde occurs. It will be beneficial to slow down and observe your personal goals and how you're showing yourself up for others.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Themes: Community and Desires

Prepare for a month focused on community engagement and clarifying your core desires. The New Moon in Scorpio invites you to energize your social circles, sparking intentions for collaboration and shared goals. Be sure that your connections contribute to your vision — enthusiasm is vital for success. With Mercury moving into Sagittarius, you’ll gain insights into your emotional patterns, helping you navigate feelings more effectively. This is your chance to change what no longer meets your standards as Mars in Leo brings energy to transformative experiences in intimacy and with your vulnerability. Get to the root and realize what needs revamping. Mid-month, the Full Moon in Taurus shines a light on your creative and romantic pursuits, urging you to reassess what brings you joy and fulfillment. As Mercury retrograde approaches, take a moment to reflect on past experiences that shaped your emotional landscape; you might find clarity in revisiting old dreams and wishes.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Themes: Professionalism and Family Roots

Get ready for a month rich in professional focus and social opportunities. The New Moon in Scorpio prompts you to define your career goals, inspiring strategic intentions for success. With Mercury entering Sagittarius, your attention shifts to building social networks and enhancing collaboration and networking potential. Love and partnerships will fire up as Mars in Leo energizes your connections, motivating you to seek mutual growth and shared ambitions. It's time to set the terms with your relationship — this will help you get answers involving its direction. The Full Moon in Taurus highlights your dynamics, prompting a reassessment of your foundational support systems. Revisit the old structures regarding your family roots and decide whether you want to implement this as your course moving forward. As Mercury retrograde sets in, consider reaching out to old friends or colleagues; reconnecting could spark fresh ideas and rejuvenate your professional aspirations and inner needs.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Themes: Exploration and Purpose

You're in for a month of exploring and understanding your life purpose. The New Moon in Scorpio inspires a quest for new knowledge, guiding your intentions toward education, beliefs, or travel opportunities. It is time to fall in love with life by broadening your reach. As Mercury enters Sagittarius, your focus sharpens on your life purpose and public image, enhancing your ability to articulate your ambitions. Dig deeper and understand what stirs in your zest for life. Expect vitality and endurance as Mars in Leo energizes your daily tasks, fueling your enthusiasm for tackling responsibilities. Consider a health kick or a new regimen to help you keep up with your new endeavors. Your body is a temple, and this month is the starting point in getting things done with your motivation. The Full Moon in Taurus lights up your communication skills, enabling you to reassess your old ideas and how they can be cultivated. It's time to launch your idea or make room for something better. With Mercury retrograde approaching, reflect on past career choices; revisiting old projects or connections might unveil new growth opportunities.