Most new parents hear a plethora of well-intended, but somewhat annoying advice before their newborn arrives. At the top of the list rests comments that revolve around one thing — sleep training. It's not unusual for parents to hear, "Sleep when the baby sleeps," or "Don't let your baby sleep with you because they'll never leave your bed."
The latter is something I've routinely felt guilty about because my son is a stage five clinger who wants to live in my skin — especially at night. It wasn't until Kourtney Kardashian recently confessed that she believes in co-sleeping that I felt seen. Appearing on The Skinny Confidentialpodcast on September 16, she opened up about her oldest son's sleeping habits.
"I think every person’s different and every child is different. My oldest son [Mason Disick] slept with me till he was 7," she said without missing a beat. Eventually she revealed she'd started getting him used to the idea of sleeping in his own room until he told her he was "done" being with her at night.
Wanting to learn more about sleep training, I reached out to Physician Eric Levene, MD of Chester Pediatrics and Children's Sleep Consultant Rebecca Michi to explain what is, how it benefits children and parents, and why it's important for no one to feel pressured during the process. They both have decades of experience to help guide you towards a more peaceful bedtime.
What is sleep training?
Although you may have a basic idea of what sleep training is, it's normal to wonder if it's just another buzzy social media word. Dr. Levene says, "Sleep training is a process that helps babies learn to sleep without parental assistance," while Michi adds the words "independent sleeper" her definition. Michi says it's a means of equipping "kids the skills to fall asleep alone" and "get back to sleep when they naturally wake during the night."
But you're not a horrible parent if it were easier to co-sleep with your baby during their first weeks at home. For example, my son would cry and scream all night when we tried to get him to sleep in his bassinet — which isn't easy to maneuver when you're faced with sleep deprivation and a breastfeeding schedule. So, his dad and I thought it would be easier if everyone could fall asleep together.
Is there a correct time to start sleep training children?
This answer may vary depending on who you ask. Family members might tell you not to spoil your baby from the time you give birth while parts of social media encourages co-sleeping. In Michi's opinion, she doesn't "think there is" a right time to introduce sleep training.
"Parents usually sleep train when they can no longer manage with the sleep they're getting. For some, that is when the baby is four months old; for others, it's when they're four years old," she explains. Dr. Levene also mentioned it can occur "between four and six months of age," but it "can take some time."
But, both issue a slight warning to parents who are on the fence about it. "There is no point in starting sleep training before you are ready, as you will likely give in and not follow through," says Michi, while Dr. Levene stresses the importance of being consistent.
It's almost like developing a routine for potty training. Kids pay attention to schedules and can sense when you're not 100% in!
Are there benefits to sleep training a child?
Now that you know what sleep training is, you're likely asking yourself if there are any benefits to it. I don't consider myself a 'seasoned' mom yet, but I can tell you there are! Before we cover them, Dr. Levene wants you to know sleep training isn't about "teaching the child to sleep through the night." Instead, the goal is to start "improving infant sleep and in turn improving parental sleep."
So, which benefits will start to show once an infant or child gets used to being sleep trained? "A sleep-trained child can get to sleep at the beginning of the night without needing to be rocked, etc., and can get back to sleep during the night when nothing is wrong or they're not hungry," says Michi.
If you decide to sleep train your infant, don't expect a miracle to happen over night. Dr. Leven already mentioned being consistent, but he acknowledges how difficult sleep training can be. "It is not easy on the parent," he says. "There are different methods including cry it out, Ferber, and others."
Michi says, "The majority of sleep-trained children will sleep through the night, but some still need a feed until they are around a year old." One of the things my fiancé and I are working on with our son is getting him to verbally explain what's wrong when he wakes up upset.
It's still a disruption to sleep, but we've noticed our son's vocabulary has increased over time. He explains how he feels in greater detail which helps us know how to negate nightmares or come to his aid during nightly eczema flareups. He hardly ever asks to eat at night, so that's one thing we're grateful for!
Is there a right or wrong way to sleep train your child?
If you're looking for a concrete answer, Michi doesn't believe there is one. "You can sleep train however you want! There are lots of different techniques, making most set-ups manageable." However, Dr. Levene says it "works best if the infant is in another room." At the same time, he doesn't feel it's "an absolute requirement."
This brings me back to what Kourtney Kardashian said about her sleep training approach with her kids. Instead of following different parenting paths, she chooses to "do what feels natural and instinctual," and Michi says there's nothing wrong with that. "Some families want to continue to bed share; some techniques work better for this. Others want to have their child sleep in their own room; they can use different techniques."
According to Michi, a key to sleep training is to be mindful about your "child's personality" because "temperament plays a big part in how children learn to be independent sleepers."
Who should parents talk to if they're struggling with their child's bedtime routine?
As much as you may resolve to help your child become more independent, there's no guarantee that you can snap your fingers and they'll be on board with your desires. Should you find that bedtime is a struggle that results in a lack of sleep for everyone, there are some things you can do. "First, chat with your pediatrician, they may be able to help. [Also] find some sources online that your resonate with," Michi suggests.
The one thing she doesn't recommend is relying on a certain age-old technique that I've even found doesn't work for my son. "Don't ask someone for sleep advice if they use cry-it-out sleep training techniques if you know it won't work for your child. You know your child better than anyone," she adamantly says. "You know what is likely to work and what isn't. Follow your instinct when it comes to sleep."
Frankly, my son started screaming at the top of his lungs when we tried to implement the 'cry-it-out' method, and since that reminds me of the early postpartum days, I can't get on board with it. For me, it's jarring to hear ear-piercing screams in the middle of the night, so going against tradition has proved to work better.
How can parents help their children get comfortable sleeping in their own beds?
Major events can play a role in sleep regression, from your child meeting another milestone or moving to a new space. Want to know how you can start helping your child get comfortable in their own bed? Dr. Levene says, "Having a consistent bedtime routine is important. If its bath, bottle, book and bed or something like that, infants and toddlers feel comfortable with routine. Sometimes for toddler a security object is very helpful." He does warn, "Remember infants should having nothing in the crib/bed with them."
According to Michi, she believes "it all starts with playtime." She says, "Your child needs to be comfortable in their bed to sleep in it comfortably." But what does this mean?
It's simple! "During the day, have some playtime in the bed and bedroom. Start small for a few minutes and then increase as they become more comfortable," Michi explains. Your child will start making the connection that it's daytime so "they won't get confused thinking it's bedtime."
What should parents remember when sleep training their children?
Though Michi is a sleep consultant, she's more than aware all children aren't created equally. They're going to have different personalities, wants, and needs that contribute to how you approach parenting them. "Not all techniques work for all children. Children are unique and learn in different ways. Find a technique that you can do and that you think your child can do. If you do that, you will always have success," she says.
Dr. Levene agrees that "There is no right way here. If it works in your home and you have reviewed the infant/toddlers sleeping with your pediatrician then its right for you" because "sleep training can be accomplished in many ways."
The more you bond with your child, the more their personality will show which is important when learning how to teach them something in a way they understand. My son loves learning new things, but he doesn't like to feel forced to perform them just like I don't. Of this Michi says, "Don't feel pressured into using techniques that don't resonate with you."
Remember, children are taking in a ton of information because the world and different concepts are new to them. It's easy for parents to forget because we've been alive for 20+ years longer than they have, but even we have trouble sticking to a bedtime routine because of sleep deprivation, FOMO, and being overachievers at work.
Like I always say, give yourself and your kiddos grace. Everyone's still learning what it means to be healthily independent!
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