We live in a "post your relationship so we know it's real" landscape, and I'd be lying if I said it hasn't made me wonder if there's a larger conversation to be had about it. Some people don't feel the need to post their romantic partner while others share their relationships in a way that rivals the best celebrity couples.
Everyone's different, but it's not not unheard of to question your partner's devotion if they're not posting you on Instagram. You may feel justified in your anger because "so and so" are always in cute pictures and videos together on social media — but are your feelings valid? The best person to answer this is licensed therapist Suzette Bray, LMFT. She has over 25 years of specializing in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, and she's seen this topic come up plenty of times during sessions with clients, so grab a pen and paper to take notes!
Afif Ramdhasuma
My sister used to ask me this question when I was in my 20's, and I always looked at her like she had two heads growing. I couldn't fathom the idea that people wouldn't want to talk about their relationship online because it felt like everyone was doing it. I mean, a study from Pew Research Center shows 8 in 10 people on social media see relationship posts, so it clearly wasn't outrageous to think it was normal.
But, that still doesn't answer why people are drawn to sharing cute little updates about their partner or relationship. Luckily, Bray has a good indication of what drives people to give others a sneak peek into their lives. "People share their relationship status for all kinds of reasons. Some want to mark their territory — nothing says 'back off' quite like a cute couple selfie! Others are just excited and proud of their partner and want to share the joy," she says. That stems from people's "need for a sense of belonging or to receive positive reinforcement from others," she adds.
But, this doesn't necessarily make people weird. It's just human nature that makes us act the way we do. "We as humans are just hard wired to seek connection, and broadcasting our connections, makes us feel more accepted and secure in our social lives."
Katrin Bolovtsova
I don't care how hot you think someone is, you're going to have to learn how to communicate with them. It's true even if your chemistry is off-the-charts because healthy relationships don't fall out of the sky. They're built via honesty, respect, forgiveness, and other important factors.
Before assuming your partner is or isn't okay with you posting about your relationship, Bray is 100% convinced you should talk things through. "Social media is still in the wild west of relationship etiquette, and without discussions, assumptions about 'correct' behavior can run wild," she hints. For example, you could be happily posting about your partner only for someone to point out that they're not following you on social media.
"Some people are super private, while others practically live their lives online. Misunderstandings happen when expectations aren't laid out so talking about it can prevent messiness in the long run," Bray observes.
RDNE Stock project
So, you swiped right on Tinder or Bumble, and you had a few amazing dates with one of your matches. Before you start publicly declaring your love for them, Bray wants you to reconsider. "Hold on! It's just a few dates! Let’s pump the brakes. The early stages of dating is not the time to make grand social declarations," she declares. As someone who tried to 'date' people from Tinder, those first few dates aren't a guarantee that you've found the love of your life.
"Posting someone on social media can feel like a big step to some people so expecting that level of public commitment too soon might be too much pressure. If you’re already thinking, 'Why haven’t they posted about me yet?' after two dates, it might be a good time to check in with yourself about where those expectations are coming from," advises Bray.
I've recovered from my former, "Is he the one" obsession so also take it from me — see where things go first and then refer back to question #2!
Budgeron Bach
It would be so much fun if we personally had Dustin Poynter, the flag guy, from TikTok helping point us in the right direction — but this is one of those things that errs on the subjective side. Though Bray doesn't feel it's necessarily healthier to keep your relationship private, she thinks "context matters." "Some people are just more private or feel weird about social media in general," she says.
But, that doesn't mean certain behaviors don't warrant a few eyebrow raises. She notes," If someone is super active on social—like posting about their dog’s morning routine and every cupcake they’ve ever had—but doesn't ever mention their partner, it could create a need for a deeper conversation." Before you feel justified about grilling your partner — as satisfactory as that may feel — take a second to breathe.
Bray would prefer you work to understand "why they don't post, rather than assuming your partner is keep you a secret." If you discover the latter to be true, follow your instincts and let that person go because you don't deserve that!
Fábio Carvalho
Everyone has a different view of what makes a romantic relationship healthy, so this is one of those things Bray says, "absolutely depends on the couple" because some "genuinely enjoy sharing their lives online." You've probably seen your share of couples who make cute content together whether they're married or not. I'd be lying if I said I don't specifically keep up with a few whose content makes me smile.
But, other couples may not be interested in sharing their relationship online because they "want to be private and keep the relationship free from the judgements or opinions of others," according to Bray. That's not to say they have something to hide, though. Instead, think of it as a personal preference.
"As long as both partners are on the same page and it’s not a source of tension, it’s all about finding the balance that works for them. If it starts to feel like a performance for likes rather than genuine connection, though, that’s where it can become problematic," Bray reminds.
Timur Weber
You may feel eager about posting about your partner while they're less enthusiastic and this could make you feel upset. It's easy to jump to conclusions when you're already upset, but Bray feels "tone is everything." Ironically, she suggests something I've heard in therapy sessions and that's "to be curious, not confrontational." Hopefully this stopped you in your tracks if you were ready to give your partner a piece of your mind.
"You can say something like, 'Hey, I’ve noticed we haven’t shared much about each other on social media? What’s your take on sharing stuff about us online?' It’s important to frame it as a mutual exploration of rather than a demand for a public declaration," Bray points out.
Vlada Karpovich
We've all seen couples who we think have the cutest relationship, even though we've never met them before. As much as you may admire a couple, Bray thinks it's a "slipper slope" if you want to try to recreate their online moments. "I’d encourage someone to focus more on what makes their own relationship feel fulfilling, rather than chasing #couplesgoals," she encourages.
However, this isn't a sign that you're not supposed to ever share anything about your partner or relationship! "If posting together feels fun and real, go for it! But if it starts feeling like a performance or that you are in competition with other couples, it's probably good to take a step back," she warns.
Also, keep in mind that social media doesn't show you every single moment of couples' lives so don't worry about trying to look picture perfect based on a 30 second to 30 minute video.
If you feel that your partner doesn't post you enough on social media, talk to them before launching into an angsty rant because your assumptions might not always be right. I wish someone would've shared this advice 10 years ago, but all that matters is knowing you don't have to let being upset about your partner's lack of relationship posts be the reason your day is ruined.
The problem arises when your partner doesn't seem receptive to talking about your concerns because dismissive or evasive attitudes are a no-no!
We have more relationship advice if you're looking for more romantic tips and tricks!
If you were on the internet at all this summer, then you're probably familiar with all the It Ends With Us cast drama. The rumored rift between director and star Justin Baldoni and Blake Lively didn't come to light until after the movie released, but Justin just revealed some brand new information that totally reframes the whole film: he almost suffered a "breakdown" while filming.
Justin Baldoni has been vocal about taking the role of Ryle, who abuses Blake Lively's Lily throughout the film, really seriously, but his latest interview with the How to Fail podcast reveals the effect of the character went way farther than anyone knew.
Sony Pictures Releasing
When host Elizabeth Day asks about how he decompressed after playing Ryle, Justin admits the character was harder to shake than he anticipated. "That was very hard and honestly, that took a few months," he says. "I had dreams as him for a while, and it lived in my body, but I think for the most part, he's out."
And while starring in such a role is difficult on its own, he also had the job of directing the scenes he was in! "Directing is a very lonely job, I'll just be very candid," he says. "Because you are kind of at the top of this totem pole. In your moments of quiet, everybody has a thousand questions for you and also nobody wants to disturb you and you don't really have many people to talk to and you can't necessarily share your anxiety or your nervousness about something because you're also the leader."
His scenes as Ryle involved everything from romantic scenes with Blake Lively to a physical fight with Brandon Sklenar, and there were times he had to go "shake it out" away from the rest of the cast.
"I've done a lot of somatic therapy so there were times when I was actually just shaking," he says. "There's a moment in the movie where Ryle finds Lily's phone and he finds a phone number and he's very jealous and he's heartbroken and he's angry and he doesn't harm her but you can see in his eyes how dangerous he is. After that scene, I had a near breakdown."
Despite the fact he plays such a "dangerous" character, Justin quickly became the most beloved cast member after the movie's release. Fans became suspicious whey they realized Blake Lively, Brandon Sklenar, and Jenny Slate didn't follow the director on Instagram (and avoided talking about him in interviews)...and then the internet came to the conclusion there was a major rift between the director and the cast (which hasn't technically been confirmed by anyone who's rumored to be involved).
Justin spent the movie's press run raising awareness for domestic violence support, while the internet quickly criticized how Blake Lively treated the film like a lighthearted rom-com, using the opportunity to promote her haircare line.
A source told People that Blake Lively felt "surprised," "vulnerable and upset"about the response to the film's press, while Justin's Jane the Virgin costar Gina Rodriguez came to Justin's defense and told People in September that "sweet, sweet soul" Justin is "my brother forever. Forever and ever."
"You know what?" Justin says. "[Gina's comments] came at a very special time for me and that meant a lot. She really showed up for me. That was really sweet...She's a sweetheart. She's family forever."
Read up on what Brandon Sklenar said about a potential It Starts With Us sequel movie.
Gapnever misses, and right now, their new arrivals for wintertime are absolutely stunning. From chic (yet practical) jackets that stand up to cold temps to trendy jeans that'll definitely earn you compliment after compliment, you just have to peek at their current collection.
Luckily, I did the heavy lifting and scrolled all 600+ items to nail down the cutest styles for the season. A lot of these are undeniably luxe-looking, but also happen to be on sale up to 30% off! Shop my faves below.
These new arrivals from Gap are everything:
Gap
I own this hoodie in the butter yellow colorway, and I was instantly impressed by the quality. Its 'extra heavyweight' promise holds true – the material is thick and durable, but has just the right amount of slouch to it so it's not overly structured. The lack of traditional hoodie strings makes it feel upscale, which is perfect for any cozy winter 'fit.
Gap
This cotton poplin shirt reminds me so much of something DÔEN would sell, but while the famed brand's tops near $200 a pop, this Gap version is only $47. Plus, you can take an extra 30% off with code 'GREAT'. Score!
Gap
Though it's sheer, this meshy midi dress makes the perfect addition atop some cozy winter layers. Holiday gathering season is upon us, and this pick will def get the party started.
Gap
The button-up design on this lightweight cardi means you can play with multiple ways to wear it. The hem hits at just the right spot to pair with mid- or low-rise jeans.
Gap
This easy one-and-done jumpsuit is sooo flattering. It snugly hugs the torso before falling into a wide-leg silhouette that'll wear super well with your go-to winter boots. Layered up with a cardigan or not, you'll be making a style statement wherever you go.
Gap
Barrel jeans are one of the hottest jean shapes of 2024 – rock the trend with this style that's shoppable in 8 different washes!
Gap
Your new office BFF, now in the shape of a sleek strapless vest. Pair it with a blazer and you're set up for immediate success!
Gap
Cable knit is timeless, so you can wear this cozy pick year after year. After year. Seriously – the soft, slouchy cotton will hold up tremendously well.
Gap
I love that these wide-leg jeans have some '70s flair but still feel up-to-date for today's fashion trends. They'd look absolutely stunning (they def do the booty some favors) on a night out!
Gap
Hello, leopard print! If your winter outfits are craving a little extra oomph, this patterned piece is sure to do the trick.
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I've recently started sitting on my balcony in the morning to catch up on standout book club reads, and it's been so refreshing. Call me obsessive, but I just can't get enough of finding hidden gems that others — like Jenna Bush Hager — are reading. When she's not co-hosting TODAY with Hoda & Jenna, she's sharing her monthly book club picks on Read With Jenna and accompanying podcast!
Created by Hager in 2019, Read With Jenna features over 50 titles that Hager eagerly shares with other book lovers. She told The Today Show, "There's nothing like falling in love with a book," and I wholeheartedly agree. If you can't get enough of curating your own bookshelf, here are 32 standout reads from Jenna Bush Hager's book club.
Amazon
Amazon
Funke goes from enjoying a cozy life in Nigeria with her parents and brother to being jostled off to England, an unknown land she's never been to before. Upon her arrival, she recoils at the tragic state of where she'll be living and how different her interactions are with other family members. Yet, she and her cousin Liv find joy in each other.
This same joy follows them to the next phase of their lives until their bond is shattered given the revelation of their mother's former decisions. Individually, Funke and Liv find it difficult to live lives that are free from the pain of their family's past.
Amazon
Amazon
Amazon
Reading like the sister of Ally Condie's The Unwedding, The Wedding People centers around one woman's determination to make the most of time in Rhode Island.
Phoebe Stone's hit rock bottom without her husband, but hasn't given up on her dream of traveling to Newport, Rhode Island so she can unwind at Cornwall Inn. Coincidentally, her arrival doesn't cause a stir because it's assumed she's one of the many guests that'll be attending a lavish wedding.
She flies under the radar so much that she and the organized bride begin developing a bond that results in secrets being shared. But, Phoebe has a plan and no one will see it coming.
Amazon
In a time where America is in the midst of political and social changes, a small town in Missouri is left shaken by the disappearance of girls. Despite the residents' fears, no one knows why this is happening nor do they know where to begin searching for the missing girls.
But, a young boy by the name of Patch decides to step up to the plate to return the daughter of a well-to-do family. Though the family seems to be grateful for her return, unrest begins bubbling underneath the town's surface.
As Patch and his family begin grappling with what it means to be a hero in society's eyes, they also realize that some things are merely a facade to hide darker truths.
Prepare to be transported through time as you read one family's saga through the yes of the young Diamond Newberry.
She and her mom have relied on other people to drive them wherever they need to go since her Pop vanished without any indication of where he could be. Everyone in town knows who Diamond is and they often subject her to harsh bullying. It's something she wishes would change, but the only thing she can foresee is her mother's sheer determination to move on with their lives.
That sounds great, but Diamond's suddenly left with more answers when she learns about more of the women in the Newberry family. She even learns more information about her Pop that paint a much larger picture than she originally saw. What this does is creates a strong tether that helps Diamond start finding her place in the very world that's sought to mistreat her.
But, how much of Diamond's life will be forever changed the more she learned?
Real Americans is a beautiful story about identity, class, and more in America. It begins with Lily Chen falling in love with Matthew despite their different backgrounds. She's dealing with being an unpaid intern who's the child of someone who escaped Mao's Cultural Revolution while Matthew is the heir of a successful pharmaceutical company. Nevertheless, they somehow manage to fit together.
But, something happens in between the time they fall in love and the moment Lily's son Nick realizes his mom seems to be keeping something from him. She's never talked about his father and this has only piqued his curiosity even more.
The more he tries to find answers about his dad, the more Nick realizes there's not always a clear path to the past.
What if you came home from work one day to discover you're married to a stranger and everyone knows but you? That's exactly what happens to Lauren and it confuses her because she's sure she'd remember getting married. Not only that, but she's apparently been married for a while. Everyone in her life knows and the life around her shows evidence that her marriage isn't a fluke. So why can't she remember it?
The answer to her question lies in the mysterious act that occurs in the attic. For some reason, it's become a place where she 'receives' new husbands and a brand new lifestyle. She starts to enjoy the newness of living different lives, but eventually she wonders if it's possible to find happiness in one of the realities she's being afforded.
Debuting tomorrow, The Great Divide is a tale about the intersection of lives, compassion, and dedication. Set in Panama, the novel allows readers to form an intimate relationship with Omar, Ada Bunting, and John Oswald as they navigate circumstances that bring them together.
Despite his father's disdain for a new canal that's been commissioned to be built, Omar finds himself among one of the workers tasked with paving the way for it to exist. It's backbreaking work that takes a toll on him, but his weariness is comforted by Ada. Having seen firsthand how Ada cares for those who are fragile or sick, scientist John Oswald immediately enlists her help due to his wife being sick.
The Great Divide sweeps you into it's compassionate arms and has an ending that'll surely make your heart swell.
To celebrate it's 40th anniversary, Jenna Bush Hager's book club has named The House on Mango Street as it's second pick for March! It's about Esperanza Cordero's desire to define who she is outside of what her Spanish culture has chosen for her. There's moments of sheer bliss that make heart-wrenching recollections easier to stomach, but Esperanza always finds a way to embrace how these things make her who she is.
Good Material is the new coming-of-age novel for adults who are still trying to figure out if they're adulting properly and revolves a series of events that makes main character Andy feel like he's down on his luck. From watching the breakdown of his longterm relationship to feeling like he's not growing as a comedian, it's clear that Andy is ready to do whatever it takes to become better in the love and career departments. But, is he truly ready to learn his life's lessons and will he be prepared for what happens next?
Despite Donkey's desire to run free in Whiteheart, her family's past threatens to disrupt that and then some. Will she be able to understand what's threatening the community around her or history repeat itself? Find out when the book releases January 9, 2024.
#ReadWithJenna announced its December pick yesterday and it's a historical novel that's sure to tug at your heartstrings. We Must Not Think of Ourselves follows Adam Paskow's journey as a Jew held captive by the Nazis. He later finds himself working alongside others who are committed to immortalizing history as it unfolds around them. Not without flaws, Adam unintentionally falls in love with Sala Wiskoff despite the latter being a married mother. This thrusts him into a world filled with complicated choices fueled by the need to survive and love.
Will his choices hinder those he's agreed to help or will he prove that taking risks is necessary for history to move forward? Pick up a copy of We Must Not Think of Ourselves to find out!
To help ring in a new month, Jenna Bush Hager's book club announced its November pick earlier today. Available for purchase tomorrow, The Sun Sets in Singapore introduces us to three women whose paths seem different at first glance. However, each of them have something that's lurking behind initial assumptions. As Dara, Amaka and Lillian find themselves 'lost' in Singapore's paradise, they begin to realize there is a such thing as too much tranquility - especially if it's disguised to hide life-altering truths. Will they be able to confront what they've escaped from or will it continue to follow them like shadows on a summer day?
Jenna Bush Hager's October pick is a tale of what happens when toxic traditional views begin to threaten a family's foundation. Young Safiya Sinclair must come to grips with her father's authoritative reign over her family, especially when she realizes her mother's only act of rebellion is making sure her daughters are educated. It's something that Sinclair allows to open her mind and set her free from her father's views.
Let your curiosity and assumptions about this book's cover introduce you to the journey of Deya. While she has her sights set on going to college and chasing her dreams, her strict grandmother is only concerned about Deya becoming someone's wife. Tradition seems to rule her life, and it's the last thing Deya wants. A random turn of events grants her wish and takes her on a journey of self-discovery where she learns what it means to be a woman whose voice is not only heard, but also respected.
Families can carry hidden secrets that threaten to undo everything one knows once they begin searching for the truth. And this is exactly what happens when Amy rushes to find out what happened to her older sister Sylvie after her disappearance. With her confidence growing as she draws nearer to the truth, Amy is faced with the difficult task of seeing her family without rose-colored glasses and has to decide what that means for them as well as her.
When Lillian drifts apart from her roommate and eventual friend Madison, she thinks nothing of it. That is until Madison begs her to help her caring for her stepchildren whose irritation manifests as fire. Over time Lillian is able to develop a beautiful relationship with the twins and learns the depths of her love are limitless.
As she grows up in Nigeria, Adunni longs for a future that looks different from what she's always known. She goes to great lengths to figure out how to do so and this takes her down a path filled with sorrow and faith.
When Mary Rose Whitehead finds young Gloria Ramirez on her doorstep, she quickly realizes a vicious act of brutality happened. Unfortunately, justice isn't swift and this leads Whitehead to take matters into her own hand.
A Burning takes readers on a tale that intertwines the lives of three different people. Beginning with the public smear campaign of Jivan, readers are then introduced to a gym teacher whose ambitions cloud his judgment and a sweet, yet misunderstood soul who works to clear Jivan's name.
Friends and Strangers follows Elisabeth and Sam as they navigate what it means to show up in the different seasons of their lives. They somehow form an unlikely friendship that's quickly threatened and leads to things that are hard to come back from.
When Amanda and Clay decide to take a breather from city life with their teenagers, they initially feel they're in for peace and quiet at the rural location they've chosen. Unfortunately for them, the owners of the home they're renting arrive in the middle of the night. It's a tale of wariness that spills over and it's up to the reader to decide if it's warranted or not.
People aren't always what they seem, and Ivy Lin is a prime example of this. She learns how to steal from her grandmother, and she doesn't stop until her mother decides enough is enough. After being sent to China, Ivy grows to become trustworthy and evens bumps into her former crush's sister. But, her past begins to haunt her and she finds out that some things are hard to forget.
Gee and Noelle's worlds collide when integration brings them together. Behind the scenes we find that their mothers — both with strong opposing views — are doing what they feel is best to prepare their children for a life in America. Each has their own reasoning even if it threatens to erase who their children truly are.
Flora Mancini is forced to question the life she and her husband have built when she discovers he didn't actually lose his wedding ring years ago. It's enough to make anyone go mad, but she somehow works to piece together the puzzle to discover the truth and decide how to move forward.
Things reach a fever pitch in this tale about family secrets and longing. Each of the Riva siblings have their own ghosts and anticipation to look forward to as their famous summer party draws near. It's only a matter of time before things bubbling underneath the surface burst in front of everyone.
Hell of a Book is about an author who's being followed by an imaginary child and a Black boy named Soot. As the past and present collide, Hell of a Book somehow lives up to its name in a reckoning tale.
Bright Burning Things sheds light on a former entertainers love for her son and struggle to part ways with drinking. It's a tale that's familiar to those who have parents who struggle with alcoholism and the pain it often inflicts.
With their mother's cryptic message and a family-long recipe involving black cake looming between them, brothers Byron and Benny must work together to learn more about her history. They also have to find a way to repair their relationship before everything that still ties them together is lost forever. Be sure to read Black Cake before it comes out on Hulu this November!
Tova Sullivan has suffered two great tragedies in life — the death of her husband and her son's unsolved disappearance. When she befriends an octopus named Marcellus, he becomes determine to help her understand what happened to her son before evidence is completely lost at sea.
Images via Amazon
