Tackling Workplace Burnout Through Creative Community

Are there really assigned roles in friend groups or am I just imagining things?

Like I said before, it can seem like you and your friends unintentionally gravitate toward certain 'roles.' It's not like anyone woke up one day and decided, "I'm going to be the 'mother hen' of the group," but it tends to happen. Why?

Paruolo says, "In my clinical work, I've consistently observed that our friendship roles often mirror our early family dynamics. These patterns show up naturally — think about who in your friend group gets the first crisis call, who plans all the gatherings, or who everyone turns to for emotional support." I'm willing to bet you thought of a name for each scenario — including yours — because I know I did!

"Like in families, we each fall into specific roles that feel familiar to us," Paruolo further explains.

What actually makes someone an empathetic person?

There's so many definitions for empathy, but I thought it would be wise to ask a licensed professional for her opinion on the matter. "Empathy means to feel what others are feeling. You do not have to have a personal direct experience with something to feel empathy for another person," shares Paruolo.

For example, your friend could call to tell you she has to have fibroid removal surgery and is feeling scared. You may have never had surgery, but you could find yourself feeling the need to comfort her in spite of this. Paruolo says, "The cool thing about our brains is that we have mirror neurons, which means part of our brain is set up to feel what others feel. The ability to attune to others' emotional states comes naturally to some people, while others may need to develop this capacity more consciously."

To break it down even further, here's signs that Paruolo says point to your empathetic nature.

Physical Signs:

• Getting physically exhausted after being in crowds
• Feeling drained after social interactions, even enjoyable ones (OMG I feel so seen!)
• Needing extra time alone to recharge

Emotional Signs:

• Absorbing other people's emotions like a sponge
• Feeling anxious or overwhelmed in emotionally charged environments
• Finding it hard to watch violence or cruelty in movies/TV

Social Signs:

• Feeling responsible for others' happiness
• Having trouble saying "no" to people who need help

Mental Signs:

• Picking up on subtle changes in others' moods
• Being highly attuned to body language and tone
• Finding it hard to distinguish your feelings from others' feelings

It sounds like I'm the empathetic friend, but are there any downsides to this?

I've been an empath for as long as I can remember and I've found that I have to 'recharge' my social batteries at times. I thought it was because I was trying to be superwoman by fixing others' problems, but it turns out theres more to it than that. Paruolo says, "Empathetic friends and people have an uncanny ability to sense others' emotional states even when unspoken, and frequently need recovery time after intense social interactions. They tend to be deeply affected by others' experiences and naturally consider situations from multiple perspectives."

In the long run, she says it can be "distressing" for some people to always feel the feelings of others. Over time, she says, "it can cause you to shut down and retract." This can look like not being as quick to respond to the funny memes your friends send you or not even answering their phone calls right away.

But, this doesn't mean you're the only person who tends to go through this. "Many empaths struggle with maintaining boundaries due to their deep emotional attunement," she says. Color me guilty because this sounds so much like me. It got so bad at one point that my sister nicknamed me 'Captain Save-A-Lot,' which is actually the clean version of what she truly meant. Still, empathy fatigue is no laughing matter nor does it mean you're defected. You just have the natural ability to show people their feelings are important to you.

How can I protect my peace as the empathetic friend?

You know you need to set boundaries, but what does that mean? Paruolo says, "The key is understanding that empathy needs to be balanced with compassion - it's not just about feeling others' emotions but also knowing how to help without depleting yourself."

One of the things she loves to do is "encourage empaths to set clear boundaries around their emotional availability and make time for regular grounding exercises." As with gratitude journaling, try to focus on an activity that calls for you to be present. Focus on what you can hear, see, touch, taste, and smell.

"Self-care isn't just a luxury; it's essential maintenance for empaths. This might mean scheduling alone time, finding a supportive therapist, or joining communities where you can process your experiences," Paruolo implores.

I know how to be there for others, but how do I ask for emotional support when I need it?

You may feel like it's impossible to ask others for help since your shoulders are the ones people cry on, but you're only doing yourself a disservice by not speaking up. No one's super resilient or able to handle all of their distressing feelings alone. We're not meant to.

It's the reason Paruolo wants you to speak up about what you need. "The most effective approach I've seen is being direct about your needs rather than hoping others will figure them out," she says. I made this mistake during postpartum and found myself expecting my family & friends to know exactly how I felt, but they're not mind readers. The more I verbally asked for help with little or big tasks, the more my mental and emotional load lightened.

Paruolo wants you to look at "asking for support as strengthening your friendships through trust and vulnerability, instead of waiting until you're overwhelmed." By the time you reach that point, you'll be ready to enter rage or full-blown shut down mode and they're not fun.

Avoid unlocking their proverbial doors by scheduling "regular check-ins with trusted friends," suggests Paruolo. "This creates a sustainable support system and helps prevent emotional crisis points.

A Gratitude Journaling Idea For When You're Worried About The Future

Write Down 5 Things You're Grateful You Can See, Touch, Hear, And Smell

This is actually a practice I picked up in therapy to help redirect my anxious thoughts. It's something I often refer to when I'm fixated on the future and things that might happen. Any time you feel yourself not being present because you're worried about what's next, focus on things that are immediately in front of you or around you.

For example, here's what's reminding me to be present:

• I can hear one of my favorite gospel songs playing and the subtle humming I'm doing.
• I can see two lime green books on my desk.
• I can smell the clean laundry my fiancé took out of the dryer.
• I'm touching the keys on my keyboard as I type this.

Gratitude Journaling Idea For When You're Experiencing Sadness

Write Down 3 Things You're Grateful For Today

Practicing gratitude when you're sad isn't so you can pretend the sadness doesn't exist. It's a very real emotion that calls for us to be curious about why we're feeling that way. However, if you feel like you're 'stuck' in your sadness, you can try writing down 3 things you're grateful for right now. Again, they don't have to be grandiose. They just have to make sense to you.

You could be grateful for:

• Eating a delicious meal
• Having a good night's sleep
• Hearing your favorite song at the right moment
• Morning snuggles with your pet or toddler
• Having access to binge watch your favorite TV show when you need to escape reality for a bit

Write Down The People You're Grateful You Can Rely On

My hope is that everyone has at least one person they can rely on during difficult moments in life. I know everyone doesn't have huge villages for different reasons, but I'd rather focus on who is there.

This gratitude journaling idea doesn't require you to go in depth about why you're grateful for the people in your corner unless you want to. You can simply write their names down if that's all you have the bandwidth for.

Recount A Memory That Always Makes You Smile

When in doubt, think about a moment that was hilarious or filled you with joy. It can be from your childhood, first year in college, or even your wedding day! The one memory that always makes me smile is from an interesting moment I told one of my uncles he looked like Santa Claus. I was around 5 or 6 years old, so it was a super innocent comment, but still it was hilarious nonetheless. No one in my family has let my uncle or me forget that moment. It's small, but it's one of the memories I'm grateful I can remember when I'm feeling sad.

A Gratitude Journaling Idea For When You Feel You're Not Doing Enough

Write Down 1 Thing You've Grateful You've Accomplished

I know some journal prompts ask you to list multiple things you've recently accomplished, but I've found that makes me a little more anxious that necessary. If this sounds like you, I see you and think it's just as impactful to be grateful for one thing you've done that you're proud of. It could be as simple as:

• "I had the strength to get out of bed today after wanting to do nothing more than hide under the covers."
• "I did laundry and put everything away."
• "I made myself a meal instead of ordering lunch like I usually do."
• "I stuck to my budget this week."
• "My presentation at work or school went really well."
• "I made that scary phone call I've been putting off."
• "I went for a walk around my neighborhood or local park."

​In which episode does JJ die?

JJ dies at the end of Outer Banks season 4 episode 10, "The Blue Crown" after rescuing Kiara from his father Chandler Groff. "I feel mad, betrayed, disappointed and heartbroken to say the least," Bruder adds. "JJ went through a lot of crap through the show and he was the one character who deserved his happy ending the most. When the series first came out, people fell in love with JJ and [Kiara]."

While the cast obviously found out about the ending while filming, fans are frustrated with how they chose to promote the show. "Obviously the cast can’t spoil a character death, but to blatantly lie and mislead fans by saying that Jiara was 'evergrowing' and fans would be happy with how the season plays out?" Bruder says. "Jiara fans deserved so much better than what we got, ESPECIALLY when they knew they were killing JJ off."

Why are Outer Banks fans so upset?

The show is the kind of phenomenon that made instant stars out of its cast, but it also made waves because of how the first season portrayed issues like classism, substance abuse, and domestic abuse. "As someone who has been around domestic abuse, I think the handling of the character JJ was detrimental culturally," another fan (who would like to remain anonymous) says. "The character suffered abuse at the hands of a man who was not even his biological father, and the writers almost framed it as if that was okay because in the beginning, his father loved him. Instead of telling a story to victims of abuse about hope and making it through trials, the writers went the opposite way. I also find it interesting that they stated this was a planned death. I think writing a character who is suffering from anxiety and clear mental health issues as well as abuse who is very young like JJ only to let him fall in love and kill him right when he starts to feel happiness doesn’t necessarily make a lot of sense narratively."

Another viewer adds that ending JJ's story that way felt "disrespectful...especially when in an interview following the episode, one of the creators literally referred to his death as pointless." She even says "it feels almost like the show died along with him."

Actress Madelyn Cline (Sarah Cameron) called JJ the "heart of Outer Banks"and for a lot of fans, JJ also became a beacon of hope, a reminder that you can endure, persevere, and come out stronger on the other side. Since the first season of the show dropped during April 2020, it's been one consistent, fun thing for TV fans since the COVID-19 pandemic began, which makes the loss feel even greater.

"Seeing him die at the hands of another abusive father was honestly kind of sickening," the viewer adds. "It’s also unfortunate that his death didn’t seem to mean anything. A character death like this would be one thing if it meant something. If he had died protecting his friends or actively protecting Kiara, rather than having already saved her and then getting killed afterward, it might’ve be easier to get past."

"It’s like a connection to something good and steady was just broken," X user @onlykiep4l says. "Killing a character that has literally gone trough so much trauma and was finally happy just doesn’t make sense. It’s not just the character that’s gone — it feels like a part of the show has ended too."

Why does JJ get killed off?

Rumors have been circulating for years about behind-the-scenes drama between actors Rudy Pankow and Madison Bailey, which has fans believing Rudy asked to be written off the show(for the record, Outer Banks creators Josh & Jonas Pate and Shannon Burke have said it was the plan from the beginning). With Rudy's exit, the writers had a difficult choice in front of them. JJ isn't the kind of guy to abandon his friends, meaning the writers obviously felt like killing him was the only option. But according to an additional viewer, "Outer Banks hasn't been that type of show."

"To attempt to turn this fun, summer, boat show into some dark, depressing story where the heart of the show is gone destroys everything that the show started out as," she says.

Another anonymous fan calls the choice "a character assassination," adding other moments from the season that feel like a different character than the one fans have come to love: barely reacting to John B. and Sarah's pregnancy announcement, or to the fact Rafe had come to talk to Kiara — especially after his reaction to Rafe catcalling Kie in the first season is a moment that led fans to ship them in the first place.

The fan continues by calling JJ's treatment a "lack of respect" toward the character. "The fact that the writers tried to make us dislike him, to soften the blow of him dying. It didn’t work. It has everyone distraught because many people’s favorite character ended up dying after 'finding happiness' for about 10 minutes in Episode 10."

​Does Sarah get pregnant in Outer Banks season 4?

But JJ's death isn't the only moment that has fans reeling. In addition to the fact viewers are saying the Pogues barely reacted to the death of their lifelong best friend, Pope is now a murderer and Kiara makes an absolutely chilling vow to get revenge on Groff — a far cry from the characters we fell in love with in season 1.

"Outside of the JJ of it all, a lot of plot lines/dynamics in part 2 felt off," one of our anonymous fans continues. "Sarah’s pregnancy plot line, especially when coupled with the quote from a creator about ‘giving her a baby specifically because she wasn’t ready’ feels incredibly tone deaf given the current state of things here in the US. The fact that there wasn’t even a conversation of if she wanted to continue with the pregnancy felt very icky. Overall, episodes 1-4 of this season did feel like Outer Banks, but everything after that felt like it was from an entirely different piece of media."

However, some fans are excited to see where the show goes from here. "JJ was such a strong character and his presence will obviously be missed, [but] I am excited to see how the Pogues react and what they do to get revenge on Groff," Virginia McGrew says in an email. "I also think that the scene of JJ dying with Kiara was extremely well done and emotional, making his passing even sadder. I ultimately believe that JJ’s passing serves as a reminder of the themes the show."

"JJ made the group even more aware of friendship, the importance of chosen family, and loyalty, which was seen throughout the season and especially in the finale," she continues. "Now that he is gone, the other Pogues will have to step up even more, creating a shift in their dynamic. While many believe that Outer Banks might not be worth watching after this finale, I truly think that it is only going to get even deeper and more interesting."