Valentine’s Day Is for Rule Breakers (and Lovers)

What Pop Culture Gets Wrong About Single Women

Did you know that 50% of people who aren't in relationships actually aren't looking for one (via Pew Research Center)? Yet, pop culture still has conflicting ideas about what this looks like for women (think everything from Sex and the City to Dead to Me). However, it seems that finding a new partner to fill a loneliness void seems to be at least one character's goal.

As a journalist and author of Single: Living A Complete Life On Your Own Terms, Nicola's noticed this too."There is this assumption that all single women are miserable and desperate and that our biggest concern is how we can quickly find a man in order to quickly end what people assume is a terrible state to be in," she says.

Guess what she sees that debunks this myth? "...most single women I know live good and full lives and dating is only a small part of their lives. We have so much more going on and being single is not a waiting room," she shares. To further prove uncoupled people aren't curled up in a dark corner crying into a bowl of ice cream, she features insights about singledom in her book.

"Lots of people I spoke to for my book were either taking a break from dating or simply not interested, yet those stories are rarely told when it comes to books and films and TV shows," she points out. But sadly, "single women are often the butt of the joke," according to her.

Rewrite The Rules

If you consider yourself to be a content person who has unlimited things to do on a Sunday? I'm so happy you've found your happy little groove, but I'm also rooting for you if you feel you're wondering about aimlessly because you're not dating someone.

Here's what Nicola has to say about this: "I think one of the first things I would say is to let go of the idea that you’re somehow in a waiting room waiting for your life to start if you don’t have a partner." Having been in your shoes, she says "there used to be so many things," she avoided. "...I felt like I should do them with a romantic partner until I realized I was holding myself back," she gently shares.

She's also conscious that "there is this idea that you need to be coupled up in order to be complete." But, no! "...you're a whole person and, in the words of one of my interviewees Bella De Paulo, one is a whole number," Nicola exclaims.

Navigating Singleness When You're Thinking About Fertility

The conversation about reproductive rights has made some people reconsider conceiving, but others are still open to becoming parents. If you're one of the few people who's worried about your biological clock ticking as a single person, Nicola and I want you to know your feelings are valid. In fact, she says "this is such a tough position to be in" and that she does "understand the pain and feelings of panic that you can feel as you get older and know your fertility must be declining."

Frankly, she acknowledges "it feels like a race against time," but your choices aren't limited. "I would say start researching your options. You can quite easily get a fertility check to see how you’re doing. Plus, thanks to advances in sciences, you can also freeze your eggs," she suggests. She knows "it's not guaranteed to work, but it may help you further down the line."

Also, understand that you don't have to deal with this by yourself. You can "reach out to support groups" like the community Nicola runs for uncoupled people. "It's associated with my newsletter and there are lots of people in the same boat. It can help to feel less alone," she says. Another resource she recommends is the "Stork and I community for those considering solo motherhood by choice (with a sperm donor)."

Moving On After A Long-Term Relationship Ends

You thought you and your former sweetheart were destined to be together forever until a bad breakup left you feeling disoriented. Nicola says she understand this feeling because she's "been there" too! But this isn't the time to pretend like you can bounce back like nothing happened.

"Firstly it’s OK to feel absolutely awful - it’s normal actually! It helped when I understood the science behind heartbreaks - there is a reason you feel so bad - which tells us that those going through heartbreak are experiencing similar feelings to those who are going through withdrawal from a drug addiction," she discloses.

The second thing she's sure about is that "your life is not over, but it's OK to take things day by day for a while." I don't remember how long it took to heal, but I was distraught after my last breakup. I thought I'd found the person I was going to marry and have children with so when it was obvious things weren't working out, I cried for a long time. Eventually, I was able to find joy in small things and went on to build a life I love.

And that's what Nicola wishes for you too! "Look after yourself, treat yourself and take it easy. Don’t try and push yourself to be happy and over it before you are," she advises.

Solo Date Ideas To Celebrate Yourself

Solo date ideas are very much a thing I stand behind and does Nicola. "Sometimes I have chosen to completely ignore the day but other times I have embraced it and chosen to celebrate the love I have for myself. One year I took myself out for a meal one lunchtime at a spot I consider I real treat. I then bought myself flowers on the way home," she divulges. TBH, this sounds like my kind of carrying on!

She continues with, "Other things I’ve done on Valentine’s or on my birthday include booking a spa day or going for a massage, going to the cinema — which is one of the easiest solo date ideas as everyone is quiet and doesn’t speak when the film is on so you don’t need to go with anyone anyway — and choosing a recipe you have never tried before (bonus points if it’s something elaborate) and cooking yourself a slap up meal."

Nicola also says a guest writer for The Single Supplement newsletter "once wrote about a three course meal she lovingly prepared for herself because why not? You deserve to be treated, so you may as well treat yourself!"

What Loving Yourself While Single Feels Like

So, what does it mean to be 100% okay with being single? For Nicola, she's been finding new things to admire about herself. "I’ve learned just how capable and resilient I am and I now have the knowledge that I am OK - more than OK - on my own." One of the things that makes me smile is her realization that this "feels like a super power to her" in light of knowing she "used to have such a tendency towards being co-dependent in relationships."

It's evident my younger self didn't see this, but I too relied heavily on former partners for joy, fun, love, and validation. I thought that they were the answers to things that didn't feel right in my life, but that wasn't the case. The awesome thing about growth, however, is the ability to make peace with who you are and things you learned along the way.

To that Nicola says, "If I did find someone, I think I would be in a much healthier place than I used to be. But equally, if I remain single, I now know I can still lead a joyful life that’s full of love."

Check Out Nicola Slawson's "Single: Living a Complete Life On Your Own Terms" Today

Single: Living a Complete Life On Your Own Terms by Nicola Slawson