Why Vulnerability Is the Key to Strong Relationships

Why do people want to share their relationship status with others?

My sister used to ask me this question when I was in my 20's, and I always looked at her like she had two heads growing. I couldn't fathom the idea that people wouldn't want to talk about their relationship online because it felt like everyone was doing it. I mean, a study from Pew Research Center shows 8 in 10 people on social media see relationship posts, so it clearly wasn't outrageous to think it was normal.

But, that still doesn't answer why people are drawn to sharing cute little updates about their partner or relationship. Luckily, Bray has a good indication of what drives people to give others a sneak peek into their lives. "People share their relationship status for all kinds of reasons. Some want to mark their territory — nothing says 'back off' quite like a cute couple selfie! Others are just excited and proud of their partner and want to share the joy," she says. That stems from people's "need for a sense of belonging or to receive positive reinforcement from others," she adds.

But, this doesn't necessarily make people weird. It's just human nature that makes us act the way we do. "We as humans are just hard wired to seek connection, and broadcasting our connections, makes us feel more accepted and secure in our social lives."

Should couples have conversations about their social media expectations?

I don't care how hot you think someone is, you're going to have to learn how to communicate with them. It's true even if your chemistry is off-the-charts because healthy relationships don't fall out of the sky. They're built via honesty, respect, forgiveness, and other important factors.

Before assuming your partner is or isn't okay with you posting about your relationship, Bray is 100% convinced you should talk things through. "Social media is still in the wild west of relationship etiquette, and without discussions, assumptions about 'correct' behavior can run wild," she hints. For example, you could be happily posting about your partner only for someone to point out that they're not following you on social media.

"Some people are super private, while others practically live their lives online. Misunderstandings happen when expectations aren't laid out so talking about it can prevent messiness in the long run," Bray observes.

If two people have gone on a couple of dates, should one of them be upset if the other isn't publicly talking about them?

So, you swiped right on Tinder or Bumble, and you had a few amazing dates with one of your matches. Before you start publicly declaring your love for them, Bray wants you to reconsider. "Hold on! It's just a few dates! Let’s pump the brakes. The early stages of dating is not the time to make grand social declarations," she declares. As someone who tried to 'date' people from Tinder, those first few dates aren't a guarantee that you've found the love of your life.

"Posting someone on social media can feel like a big step to some people so expecting that level of public commitment too soon might be too much pressure. If you’re already thinking, 'Why haven’t they posted about me yet?' after two dates, it might be a good time to check in with yourself about where those expectations are coming from," advises Bray.

I've recovered from my former, "Is he the one" obsession so also take it from me — see where things go first and then refer back to question #2!

Is it a red flag if someone doesn't post their partner on social media?

It would be so much fun if we personally had Dustin Poynter, the flag guy, from TikTok helping point us in the right direction — but this is one of those things that errs on the subjective side. Though Bray doesn't feel it's necessarily healthier to keep your relationship private, she thinks "context matters." "Some people are just more private or feel weird about social media in general," she says.

But, that doesn't mean certain behaviors don't warrant a few eyebrow raises. She notes," If someone is super active on social—like posting about their dog’s morning routine and every cupcake they’ve ever had—but doesn't ever mention their partner, it could create a need for a deeper conversation." Before you feel justified about grilling your partner — as satisfactory as that may feel — take a second to breathe.

Bray would prefer you work to understand "why they don't post, rather than assuming your partner is keep you a secret." If you discover the latter to be true, follow your instincts and let that person go because you don't deserve that!

Do you think it's healthier for couples to keep certain aspects of their relationship private?

Everyone has a different view of what makes a romantic relationship healthy, so this is one of those things Bray says, "absolutely depends on the couple" because some "genuinely enjoy sharing their lives online." You've probably seen your share of couples who make cute content together whether they're married or not. I'd be lying if I said I don't specifically keep up with a few whose content makes me smile.

But, other couples may not be interested in sharing their relationship online because they "want to be private and keep the relationship free from the judgements or opinions of others," according to Bray. That's not to say they have something to hide, though. Instead, think of it as a personal preference.

"As long as both partners are on the same page and it’s not a source of tension, it’s all about finding the balance that works for them. If it starts to feel like a performance for likes rather than genuine connection, though, that’s where it can become problematic," Bray reminds.

How can someone bring up their partner's posting habits without sounding accusatory?

You may feel eager about posting about your partner while they're less enthusiastic and this could make you feel upset. It's easy to jump to conclusions when you're already upset, but Bray feels "tone is everything." Ironically, she suggests something I've heard in therapy sessions and that's "to be curious, not confrontational." Hopefully this stopped you in your tracks if you were ready to give your partner a piece of your mind.

"You can say something like, 'Hey, I’ve noticed we haven’t shared much about each other on social media? What’s your take on sharing stuff about us online?' It’s important to frame it as a mutual exploration of rather than a demand for a public declaration," Bray points out.

What would you tell someone who wants to emulate couples who consistently post content together?

We've all seen couples who we think have the cutest relationship, even though we've never met them before. As much as you may admire a couple, Bray thinks it's a "slipper slope" if you want to try to recreate their online moments. "I’d encourage someone to focus more on what makes their own relationship feel fulfilling, rather than chasing #couplesgoals," she encourages.

However, this isn't a sign that you're not supposed to ever share anything about your partner or relationship! "If posting together feels fun and real, go for it! But if it starts feeling like a performance or that you are in competition with other couples, it's probably good to take a step back," she warns.

Also, keep in mind that social media doesn't show you every single moment of couples' lives so don't worry about trying to look picture perfect based on a 30 second to 30 minute video.

Consider This: Reflections for Finding Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab (October 15, 2024)

Therapist and bestselling author Nedra Glover Tawwab captured my attention with her titles Set Boundaries, Find Peace and Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships so much that I always have them on my desk. It's one of the reasons I'm so excited to dive into her new book, Consider This: Reflections for Finding Peace, next month!

It's almost as if she has secret intel, with all the precious nuggets she'll share that will help us center ourselves during tough moments. From friendly reminders to loving, but firm nudges, Tawwab provides guidance on everything from boundaries to finding joy during every moment.

Slowing: Discover Wonder, Beauty, and Creativity Through Slow Living by Rachel Schwartzmann

Author and Slow Stories podcast host Rachel Schwartzmann is here to remind us to slow TF down. Between receiving new information at the speed of light and having busy schedules, it's no wonder we're so stressed! Instead of being controlled by work and business, Schwartzmann wants us to reimagine the way we live and create.

She has poignant essays about the positive effects of slowing down — plus, she introduces readers to other voices who have insight about their own experiences with doing so! There are even "guided practices" to help reignite our introspection and creativity through journaling.

The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control: A Path to Peace and Power by Katherine Morgan Schafler

Perfectionists, we've been summoned with a guide that wants to give us permission to stop trying to control everything. It's so funny — this book landed on my radar after stressing about how I haven't felt in control for a long time. See how life works?

Anyway, psychotherapist Morgan Schafler knows we've been spoon-fed ideology about having balance in our lives, and feels like it's actually not helpful in the long run. She even helps categorize different versions of perfectionism: classic, intense, Parisian, messy, and procrastinator. Yes, that's right. Your procrastinating habit is rooted in perfectionism.

Instead of telling you to get rid of a part of who you are, Schafler breaks down why we respond to things a certain way and teaches how to live life so that our perfectionism doesn't necessarily control every single thing we do.

The Secret Language of the Body by Jennifer Mann and Karden Rabin

Do you know the role our nervous systems plays in our bodies? It's basically our in-house communication center for messages between our brains and bodies. It's what triggers or flight or fight mode, which comes in handy if we're trying to escape a bristly bear in the woods, but does nothing for us if we're upset someone cut us in line at Starbucks. Little moments like that lead to nervous system dysregulation and can cause a lot of pain.

Mind-body practitioners Jen Mann and Karden Rabin wrote The Secret Language of the Body as way to help us understand what truly goes on in our nervous systems. They dive into topics like somatic therapy, Polyvagal theory, and how our minds and bodies are connected so we can stop living in survival mode.

The Joy of Saying No by Natalie Lue

You know what's even harder to navigate life with besides perfectionism? It's being a people pleaser and considering everyone else's feelings before you think about your own.

The Joy of Saying No aims to explain how this is often rooted in our childhoods from being known as the good kid to the one who believes overachieving makes them more likable. It's true these roles served a function, but they can also stop us from being who we are as adults. Natalie Lue wants to help us recognize how we continue to operate in people-pleasing mode via six steps so we can reset our connection to others.

Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski, PhD and Amelia Nagoski, DMA

I'm going to talk about this book forever! It's one of my go-to reads when I'm experiencing so much burnout I can barely think straight. Sisters Emily Nagoski, Phd and Amelia Nagoski, DMA know that burnout isn't a new phenomenon — nor are they claiming it is. What they do know is too many women continue to experience it and are determined to help us change course.

There's lessons about how to move through our natural biological stress cycles, check in with our brains when we're frustrated, and get intimate with our inner critics who live to remind us that we're not doing enough. It's written so beautifully that you'll feel like you're talking to a friend who majored in psychology, but still has the same down-to-earth attitude you first encountered as kids.

The Sugar Jar: Create Boundaries, Embrace Self-Healing, and Enjoy the Sweet Things in Life by Yasmine Cheyenne

Yasmine Cheyenne's Sugar Jar metaphor is one of the easiest ways for us to realize how depleted we can become if we're not managing our boundaries and healing. From leaving our proverbial jars open, we become subject to energy vampires and moments we don't recognize we need to replenish ourselves until we're on the brink of burnout.

She teaches us how to understand what makes us feel exhausted, how we can press reset, and break up with our own negative habits. Also, she taps into our people-pleasing tendencies so we can find healthier ways to show up for ourselves and others.

What It Takes to Heal: How Transforming Ourselves Can Change the World by Prentis Hemphill

Prentis Hemphill knows the past few years have left everyone feeling off balance which is why What It Takes to Heal was written. It's a call-to-arms to remind us that our healing isn't optional if we want to move forward in the world.

You'll learn how to pay attention to how our body responds to certain things, including our own habits, and you'll figure out how to stop bearing the weight of emotional burdens. But instead of being in isolation, Hemphill encourages you to embrace being part of a community.

Sacred Self-Care: Daily Practices for Nurturing Our Whole Selves by Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barnes

Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barnes is offering helpful insights for how to being nurturing ourselves in Sacred Self-Care. As a psychologist, pastor, and activist, she's seen how hard it is for people to maintain a self-care practice that helps them navigate life.

As such, she's developed a seven-week guide filled with practices and activities that hone in on our emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual health. With each passing day, you'll receive journal prompts and scriptures that will help set the tone for the day. It's like a devotional from a psychologist's perspective and that can be great if you rely on both therapy as well as religion to get through your days.

You Are Only Just Beginning: Lessons for the Journey Ahead by Morgan Harper Nichols

Morgan Harper Nichols hasn't shied away from sharing her story and encouraging words with others on Instagram which is why it makes sense she's written You Are Only Just Beginning: Lessons for the Journey Ahead. She wants to help us embrace adventurous moments while sharing reminders that hard moments are temporary.

Sometimes all we need is a little courage to keep going when things feel bleak.

The Book of Moods: How I Turned My Worst Emotions Into My Best Life by Lauren Martin

Have you ever felt burdened by mood swings? If so, I completely understand because I often question my own and so did author Lauren Martin. She hit a wall a few years ago even though it seemed like her life was perfect on the surface. No matter what she did, she couldn't shake feeling inferior of irritable. It wasn't only she crossed paths with another successful stranger who felt the same that Lauren begin to seek to understand her emotions.

The Book of Moods: How I Turned My Worse Emotions Into My Best Life is a recollection of Lauren's journey and how she learned to find peace. She talks about varying triggers everyone has faced and blends her own wisdom with science-backed evidence to help us make informed decisions.

Self-Care for Moms by Sara Robinson, MA

Moms are often praised for our ability to be self-sacrificing and resilient in the face of hardship, but I'd be lying if I said it felt like people seem to forget we're human. We do care a lot and have the warm nurturing nature everyone talks about, but we also have our limits lest we fall victim to burnout.

Self-Care for Moms offers over 100 activities designed to remind moms how to pour into ourselves daily. Whether it's a 5-minute phone call or hour lunch with a friend sans kids, it's time for us to reclaim the way we care for ourselves.

How We Heal: Uncover Your Power and Set Yourself Free by Alexandra Elle

Alexandra Elle has shared her moving anecdotes with the internet since Tumblr, eventually becoming a bestselling author who continues to remind us to come home to ourselves. In How We Heal, she aims to help us rediscover peace by focusing on healing.

Broken into four parts, you'll find everything from journal prompts to meditations that tackle our innermost emotions. She even shares bits of her personal experiences so you feel less alone.

Dare to Feel: The Transformational Path of the Heart by Alexandra Roxo

If you're on the other spectrum of emotions that includes burying them, Dare to Feel encourages you to do the opposite. Although you may feel repulsed by the idea of cracking your heart open, trust that it's metaphorical. This is an invitation to connect with yourself, life, and others past a superficial level. You'll come across poems, meditations, and more that help you fall in love with being in tune with your emotions in this moving book.

Girl On Fire: How to Choose Yourself, Burn the Rule Book, and Blaze Your Own Trail in Life and Business by Cara Alwill Leyba

What's self-care without a reminder that you are THAT GIRL? Instead of questioning your worth, Girl on Fire wants you to start remembering who you truly are.

From encouraging you to not see other women as competition to offering tips for how to navigate the vision you have in your heart, you'll learn how not to let life and business get you down.

You'll feel empowered by the end of Girl on Fire and that's the point!

Hot Matcha Latte with Oat Milk and Peppermint Syrup

People are always surprised when I tell them that peppermint is available year-round at Starbies – it's not just reserved for the winter-exclusive Peppermint Mocha – and it's most delectable when you add it to a hot matcha. The earthier feel of the matcha gets balanced out super well among the minty-ness of this syrup, though I wouldn't overdo it on the number of pumps. I found that two pumps in a grande worked best for my taste.

Chestnut Praline Latte with Oat Milk

This Starbucks hot drink is the way to go if you like nutty flavors. Chestnut and praline notes combine with some strong signature espresso, turning this pick into dessert inside a cup. I *loved* drinking it with oat milk the most, because it rounded out the flavors so beautifully (plus, I just have a general preference for plant-based milks).

London Fog with Almond Milk

NGL, Starbucks has a pretty amazingLondon Fog drink. It's essentially an Earl Grey tea with vanilla syrup and steamed milk of your choice, and it makes for a deliciously light and creamy beverage. I'd recommend ordering it with almond milk because the Starbucks milk is quite flavorful on its own, and it can really enhance (and possibly transform) what you thought you knew about a London Fog.

Hot Matcha Latte with Oat Milk and Hazelnut Syrup

I must say, I'm a matcha latte fiend. Thus, I'm noting yet another green tea powder-based order on the Starbucks hot drinks ranking. When prepped with hazelnut syrup, the chain's matcha earns some extra sweetness. So, if you have a sweet tooth (like me), this gently-caffeinated drink will do you very good. Not that into sugar? Order it with half pumps to lighten your sip up.

Honey Almond Milk Flat White, sub Honey Packets for Syrup

The Honey Almond Milk Flat White is a permanent staple on Starbucks' menu, but I don't think a lot of people know about it. Starbies' flat whites are typically made with whole milk, but this riff actually utilizes almond milk for a lighter (and more dairy-free-friendly) option. The honey sweetens things up perfectly, but the OG recipe calls for honey syrup – which, to me, does *not* taste like honey in any way. Luckily, you can customize the drink with a more natural substitute: actual honey packets. I like to do 3 packets for a grande size, but I suggest you go with your gut and taste-test it from there.

Sugar Cookie Almond Milk Latte

Based on my experience working behind the bar, this is one of the most divisive Starbucks hot drinks on the holiday menu. From what I remember, the debate mainly circled around the latte's *very intense* sweetness – so, go ahead and scroll on if you're not a massive sweets fan. If you are, the Sugar Cookie Almond Milk Latte brings forth that desired sugar cookie-ness that amps up the winter season when ordered hot AF. Pro tip: you can actually order drinks extra-hot at Starbs! Sadly, this sip is only seasonally available.

Pistachio Latte with Almond Milk

This is one of my favorite Starbucks hot drinks (though it's really good iced, too). It's a latte built with some nutty-sweet pistachio syrup, and it's addicting. I prefer to order it with almond milk to really amplify the nuttiness – it pairs insanely well with the strong espresso!

Hot Matcha Latte with 2 Pumps White Mocha Sauce

Again with the matcha! Okay, okay, this is the last matcha hot drink I'll speak on. Believe me, though – it's *so* tasty. White mocha sauce provides a gentle, sweet creaminess to the Starbucks matcha, regardless of what kind of milk you order it with. Typically, grande-sized drinks have a default number of 4 syrup pumps, so to dampen down the overly-sugary impression, I like to order this offering with half pumps.

Cinnamon Dolce Latte

This permanent Starbucks menu classic is all about the spice. Cinnamon swirls each and every sip, thanks to the addition of Starbucks' sweet cinnamon dolce syrup. You're in for an extra treat when you order this Starbucks hot drink, too, because it's topped with sweet whipped cream and a cinnamon-sugar dusting! I think the cinnamon notes are a chilly fall day's BFF, so hold this one close when you're craving a dose of seasonal vibes.

Caffè Misto with Oat Milk

This is one of the best Starbucks hot drinks for someone who isn't into all of the syrupy stuff. All the Caffè Misto promises is a 1-1 ratio of hot brewed coffee to your choice of steamed milk. I found the best milk to be, of course, oat milk, but you do you, boo.

Dirty Chai Latte with Almond Milk

Throw a couple of espresso shots in here, and you've got a killer drink – literally. If you need to be productive on a particular day, order a Dirty Chai. I just love the balance between sweetness and spice that Starbucks' chai has. It definitely leans sweet, though, so if you're used to a chai with bite, prepare yourself.

Honey Citrus Mint Tea

The Honey Citrus Mint Tea (AKA the Medicine Ball) may be a scrappy DIY way to cure you of your head colds, but I also think it's a massively tasty beverage for simply sipping in good health. It's zingy, minty, and lemony, which offers a really nice break from the milky, sweet, espresso-filled drinks people usually order from Starbucks.

Pumpkin Spice Latte with Half Pumps

Ah – a true classic when it comes to the Starbucks fall menu. PSLs are perfectly sweetened with pumpkin, but can be a lot sometimes. That's why I recommend ordering your next Pumpkin Spice Latte with half pumps. Don't worry – the pumpkin will definitely still shine through – it just won't be fully in your face with this Starbucks hot drink.

Apple Crisp Oat Milk Macchiato

There was a customer I had that ordered this Starbucks hot drink almost every single day when I was a barista there. I didn't understand their undying love for the seasonal drink until I tried it! The Apple Crisp Oat Milk Macchiato is like if you poured out a hot, steaming cup of fall. It has undertones of famed apple desserts (like pie!), but gets a caffeinated punch from the blonde espresso. I love it as-is, but again, you can always customize your drink based on how sweet you want it.

Peppermint Mocha with Half Pumps

The Peppermint Mocha is undeniably an icon. You can be pretty sneaky and order it year-round, too! Like I mentioned, Starbs keeps their peppermint syrup stocked at all times, so all you have to do to get your paws on this Starbucks hot drink is order a latte with mocha and peppermint pumps. Easy. Since this bev can easily overwhelm with syrup (like the PSL), I'd suggest trying it with half pumps if you're not ready for an instant sugar rush.

Brown Sugar Oat Milk Latte with Blonde Espresso

One Starbucks barista noted on Redditthat a latte with Brown Sugar syrup, oat milk, and Blonde espresso is their go-to drink. They said it "tastes like an oatmeal cookie," which sounds *so* delectable. I will add that Blonde espresso is a little bit sweeter than Starbucks' signature espresso shots, so it's always a nice substitute if you're craving extra oomph.

Hot Blonde Vanilla Latte with Whipped Cream, Plus Two Extra Pumps of Vanilla and Caramel

This commenter likes their Starbucks hot drinks sweet AF. With extra syrups and whipped cream, there's truly no telling just how decadent this vanilla latte is.

Blonde Flat White with Brown Sugar and Cinnamon Powder Steamed into the Milk

This flat white, suggested by another barista, gets its charm from some cinnamon steamed into the milk. Yes, you can in fact order your milk that way at Starbucks, and it's heavenly.