5 Ways to Deal When You’re in a Secret Relationship

1. If you don't cook often, surprise your spouse with their favorite dinner recipe.

Saiter says you or your spouse "can make time for small gestures of kindness and thoughtfulness, like cooking" each other's "favorite meal." We don't know everything, but we're aware that home-cooked meals mean a lot to some people. Eating out is fun, but seeing someone put time and effort into a meal for you feels more personal.

2. Allow your partner to sleep in while you handle bank runs, grocery shopping, and other chores.

One of the other ways to each other's heart is "...running errands to show love and appreciation," according to Saiter. This can look like letting your partner rest while you handle early morning visits to the bank or grocery store before traffic picks up on the weekend.

Setting aside time for shared hobbies or interests can also be incredibly rejuvenating. For instance, taking a class together, whether it’s cooking, dancing, or photography, can help in discovering new aspects of each other and create fun, shared memories.

3. Sign up for a dance or photography class together.

If you've been thinking about taking a cooking, wine, dance, or photography class together, now's the time to do so! Saiter says, "Setting aside time for shared hobbies or interests can also be incredibly rejuvenating." Before you roll your eyes because you think you and your spouse don't have anything in common anymore, take a step back to remember what it was like when you were dating.

You probably went on different dates like going to the bowling alley, visiting a pumpkin patch, or even taking a candle class together for fun. Doing this again "can help in discovering new aspects of each other and create fun, shared memories," according to Saiter.

4. Verbally share why you're grateful for each other.

Yes, it's time for you and your spouse to remember why you chose to exchange vows. "...practicing gratitude by regularly expressing appreciation for each other's qualities and contributions can strengthen the emotional bond and bring back the warmth and closeness," Saiter says.

You can tell your partner you appreciate the times they've sensed something was wrong and knew just what to say to cheer you up. Also, you could simply thank them for remembering to take out the trash without you having to ask.

There's no rulebook that says expressing thanks for each other has to be elaborate and drawn out. It's just something to help you remember how much you see each other.

5. Set aside time to hold hands or cuddle everyday.

If you or your spouse are experiencing a drop in your libido, physical intimacy be hard to navigate. Saiter says, "Overcoming a 'dry spell' requires open communication and a willingness to explore underlying issues." As difficult as it may be, don't be afraid to express concerns because "there are many feelings and unsaid wants underneath the 'dry spell,'" he adds.

Doing something as simple as "prioritizing physical, non-sexual touch" is one way way Saiter believes can help you and your spouse become close again. You do things like "holding hands, cuddling, or sharing a long hug," to add a little spark back to what you had.

6. Pencil in date nights.

How many times have your or spouse asked, "Who has time for date night?" Wait, we don't want to know because chances are one of you have said it one too many times to count. Saiter says, "Planning regular date nights or weekends away can also help break the routine and create a sense of adventure in the relationship."

Communicating and being open to trying new things in the bedroom, like role-playing, using toys, or trying new positions, can also reignite the spark and make things exciting again.

You can also try revisiting places or activities that were significant earlier in your relationship to evoke nostalgic, passionate feelings and remind you both of your deep connection.

7. Let your adventurous side show in the bedroom.

If one of you are comfortable initiating sex again, let your fun side call the shots. However, Saiter wants to make sure you're "communicating" before surprising your spouse. "...being open to trying new things in the bedroom, like role-playing, using toys, or trying new positions" is one of the ways he thinks you can reconnect behind closed doors. It's all about finding safe ways to "reignite the spark and make things exciting again," he shares!

8. Revisit the place you fell in love with your spouse.

If you remember the exact time and place you knew your spouse was the one, Saiter suggests revisiting it to "evoke nostalgic, passionate feelings and remind you both of your deep connection." Whether it was at your local pizza parlor, the park, or even at a place like Disney World, find your why again.

My spouse and I are doing great after incorporating these tips, but how can we stay consistent?

Saiter says, "Life gets busy, but it’s crucial to carve out time for each other. Treat it like any other important appointment—block off time in your schedule for date nights, family dinners, or just time relaxing together." Maybe you think it should sound so simple, but it is. Like Saiter says, you have to prioritize your marriage just like you do everything and everyone else.

Ways to help you do so are limiting "distractions by putting away phones and other devices" to "talk about your dreams, unwind together or simply enjoy each other's company," he adds. Still struggling?

"It might also be helpful to look over your daily responsibilities together to make sure the workload at home is shared fairly. Building a strong and fulfilling relationship takes effort and commitment. By prioritizing your partner, communicating openly, and making time for each other, you can strengthen your bond and reignite the spark," Saiter suggests.

1. What to say if your romantic partner makes you question whether you saw inappropriate texts on their phone

If I had things my way, gaslighting would be outlawed. Unfortunately, some people just can't seem to take responsibility for their actions, and they really love to make it everyone else's problem. Even more infuriatingly, it can appear in romantic relationships when one person is caught doing something that breaches the trust between them and their partner.

If your boyfriend or girlfriend spins a tale that makes you question what you’re sure you saw, try not to panic. Instead, take a page from Beaupre’s book. She suggests saying, “I’ll stand by what I know is true. If we need to agree to disagree, that’s fine, but I’m not going to let this change what I know or how I feel.”

She says doing this “shows them you’re not going to be swayed or pulled into their ‘game.’” It also helps “keep you grounded and firm, making it clear that their gaslighting isn’t going to work.” The more you stand your ground, the more someone is “less likely to continue trying to manipulate/control you,” according to her.

2. What to say when a friend keeps lying about their accomplishments

This is a tricky one because you probably know one of your friends likes to embellish the truth a bit. It’s one of the things that used to be funny because they could always come up with a story on the spot. But, it can be confusing if you notice your friend tends to lie about something they’ve accomplished. Just don’t think you have to go out of your way to expose them though.

Beaupre says, “If it’s not harming anyone, sometimes it’s okay to leave it alone because, eventually, the truth will catch up to them anyway, and they will learn their lesson on their own.” But she says if you notice “their lies are causing major problems or hurting others,” speak up “gently.”

“You can ask them why they feel the need to lie, and if there’s something they’re struggling with that they might want to talk about,” she continues. Her suggestion is to say, “I’ve noticed that sometimes, you say things that don’t really add up, and I’m just wondering if there’s a reason. Is everything okay?”

3. What to say when someone complains about you setting boundaries

If there’s one thing a narcissist can’t stand, it’s boundaries. If you know someone who has a tendency to overreact when you set them, Beaupre knows what you can say to them. “I’m not okay with how you’re reacting. If you can’t respect my limit, then I’m going to have to take a step back and distance myself,” she suggests.

She feels “this makes it clear that you’re serious about your boundaries.” Also, it signals that you “won’t let their reaction change what you need to feel respected, safe and secure.”

4. What to say if someone utters "I love you" after a few weeks of dating

If only some of us would’ve asked this question during some of our prior relationships, we may have avoided unnecessary heartbreak. Should you find yourself faced with someone’s eager declarations of love early on, Beaupre wants you to “to be honest about how you feel and not feel pressured to say it back if you’re not ready.”

5. What to say when someone makes light of something or someone you're grieving

This reminds us of one of the relationship red flags we recently dug into. We know why people say passive-aggressive things, but it's still painful no matter what the situation is. In the case of grieving, it's a hard no for us. Beaupre says, “In times like this, when you’re going through a lot of heavy emotions, it’s important to set a boundary for your peace.”

If you feel yourself questioning whether your feelings are valid, Beaupre says not to do that. "Don't let others downplay/dismiss what you’re feeling or going through, especially if it's something that's really taking a toll on you." What she urges you to say is, "I know you may not fully understand, but this is really important to me, and I need you to respect that.” In her opinion, it's a way of letting that person "know you're serious about protecting your emotional space without being confrontational."

And if they're still being a grade-A jerk about it? It may be time to limit the time you spend with them.

6. What to say if someone uses 'jokes' to constantly critique your appearance

We think laughter is good for the soul, but not at the expense of hurting other people's feelings. This means no one should have the luxury of repeatedly commenting about the way you present yourself. Beaupre says, "If the way you look, what you’re wearing or how you speak isn’t hurting anyone, they really shouldn’t be commenting on it." Should you notice this unfortunate pattern in someone close to you, it's time to address it.

Beaupre wants you to try saying, "I’m fine with how I look and speak. You can let me know if there's a problem, but please don’t make me feel bad about it." That way, you can "set a clear limit about what you won't tolerate," according to her. She believes it's also a "chance to share any concerns without crossing into criticism or bullying."

Still, someone who refuses to stop disguising their obvious issues with you as harmless 'jokes' isn't someone who deserves a long-term spot in your life.

Venice, Italy

Bali, Indonesia

Once an idyllic paradise, Bali now suffers from traffic congestion, environmental degradation, and overcrowded beaches. The island’s resources are strained under the weight of mass tourism, but there are efforts underway to promote sustainability like putting a moratorium on new hotels.

Machu Picchu, Peru

Overtourism has led to erosion and damage to this ancient Incan citadel. A quota system and mandatory guides are helping preserve this popular South American destination.

Tulum, Mexico

Once a tranquil paradise known for its pristine beaches, ancient Mayan ruins, and eco-chic vibe, Tulum has become a cautionary tale of overtourism. The surge in popularity, fueled by Instagram-worthy scenery, has brought overcrowding, environmental strain, and rising costs. The Guardianreported that locals are being pushed out by developers and despite the thinking that tourism helps local communities, poverty nearly doubled between 2015 and 2020. Local ecosystems, including fragile mangroves and coral reefs, are threatened by unchecked construction and pollution too. The local ruins have implemented stricter rules like no food or drink to limit trash and environmental impact from tourists.

Santorini, Greece

Instagram fame has turned this once-serene island into a tourist hotspot. Narrow streets are perpetually clogged, and locals are struggling with soaring costs of living due to tourism demand. The government has since capped the number of daily cruise ship visitors to keep overtourism at bay.

Cinque Terre, Italy

Known for its colorful cliffside villages and breathtaking coastal views, these once-quiet fishing towns now see millions of visitors annually, way more than they can handle. To combat issues like congestion and cruise ships, local authorities have introduced visitor caps and encourage sustainable travel to protect Cinque Terre’s charm.

Reykjavík, Iceland

Is there anyone not going to Iceland these days? A small country with breathtaking landscapes, Iceland has been overwhelmed by tourists flocking to Instagram-famous sites like the Blue Lagoon and Diamond Beach. It's best to travel during the off season (November to April) and travel to lesser known spots like the Sturlungalaug hot spring.

Maya Bay, Thailand (Phi Phi Islands)

This iconic beach, popularized by the DiCaprio film The Beach, suffered ecological devastation from hordes of visitors and anchored boats. Coral reefs were destroyed, and the beach was closed for years to allow recovery. It has since reopened after a huge revitalization project, but they have introduced visitor caps.

Kyoto, Japan

Traditionally quiet streets of this ancient capital city now teem with tourists during peak season. An increase in litter from tourists has required the city to install more trash bins to handle the crowds, and peaceful geishas are often chased down for photos. To mitigate the problem, Kyoto is considering running special buses to popular sites to reduce overcrowding, and temples and shrines are encouraging visitors to come early in the morning.

Mount Everest, Nepal

The ultimate challenge for adventurers, Mount Everest has experienced overcrowding on the slopes and at base camps, leading to dangerous conditions, with litter and human waste piling up on the mountain. Permits are now harder to get, and stricter regulations for climbers are being enforced.

Dubrovnik, Croatia

The Game of Thrones effect brought an influx of fans to this medieval city. Overcrowded streets and cruise ship arrivals have made it difficult to appreciate its beauty. The local government is taking steps to limit daily visitors and impose stricter cruise ship regulations.

Lisbon, Portugal

Short-term rentals dominate the housing market now, thanks to affordable flights and the digital nomad craze. This has led to skyrocketing rents and displaced locals. Historic neighborhoods are inundated with tourists, making them less charming too. Everything from public transport to waste management struggles to keep pace with the influx. I went in December and it still felt a bit like Disneyland. Douro Valley and Madeira might be more favorable destinations any time of year.