We Asked an Expert Whether Romance Will Ruin a Friendship

1. Listen without judging if your friend reveals an ongoing argument about a family will

Being a good listener is one of the most basic — and yet most important — things you can do as a friend 365 days of the year, but when tensions run high near the holidays, those listening skills become all the more crucial. You might even consider resisting the urge to speak, like, at all. “Be a good listener and don’t give advice,” licensed marriage and family therapist Katie Ziskind says. “Supporting someone doesn’t mean that you have to fix their problem. Instead, truly being supportive means giving a hug when someone is crying and being a caring friend.”

2. Prep your pal to expect drama if your uncle's invited his new girlfriend and ex to dinner

Rather than reassuring your friend that things at family celebrations may not be as bad as they fear, trust what they know about the situation and help them wrap their head around what’s to come. This should minimize the stress for them in the long run. “If you expect it and it happens, situation normal,” certified life coach Susan Golicic tells us. “If you expect it and it doesn’t, well, then, a bonus!”

3. Help your bestie make a plan in case their fight-or-flight mode gets triggered

Going into any situation with a plan almost always feels better than going in unprepared. Per writer, speaker, and healing expert Alisa Zipursky, a helpful plan might include specific check-in times, a code word that indicates your friend needs extra support, and ideas for creating healthy boundaries with family members who make them feel especially triggered. “The idea is to make asking for help as easy as possible,” Zipursky says. “Making sure a proactive plan is in place well before someone enters the stressful situation can help relieve some of the anticipatory anxiety.”

4. Check in often by sending your friend periodic texts 

Licensed counselor Maria Inoa recommends that you prioritize regular touch-base texts over the course of whatever event is causing your friend the most stress. It’s not about solving the conflicts or taking away their pain. Instead, you can focus on offering gentle reminders that you are thinking of them and are available if they need you.

5. Create a new tradition that revolves around you and and your bestie's favorite Christmas movies

If your friend’s family holiday celebrations don’t exactly inspire positive feelings about the occasion, why not help them establish some better associations? Licensed clinical professional counselor Anna Poss suggests planning a “low-stress, fun way to celebrate with each other before or after the actual holiday.” Get a seasonal movie night or cookie swap on the calendar before everyone leaves town to hang with family. Those cozy vibes may help dull the negative, anxious feelings.

6. Write down words of affirmations for them to look at

Grab some pretty stationery and put your love and support on paper for your BFF. “In the note, remind her how strong, courageous, and capable she is,” licensed psychotherapist and life coach Diane Petrella says. “Let her know how much you love and admire her and how grateful you are for her friendship. Write whatever you think your friend needs to hear to feel supported, grounded, and loved.” Remind her to hide the note in her pocket or bag so she can read it whenever she needs a little extra TLC over the course of the holidays. You can even go one step further and send them home with a care package, per therapistShannon Thomas.

7. Invite your friend to your family celebration

If things have gotten so bad with your bestie’s family that she wants to steer clear of their celebrations entirely, you may want to invite her to join you and your crew instead. Even if she opts to decline your invitation, it will mean a lot to her to know that she has choices. If your friend does take you up on the offer, Mountainside Treatment Center‘s family wellness manager Tina Muller recommends that you try to incorporate some of her favorite traditions into your holiday schedule.

8. Keep your phone nearby if your friend needs to talk about everything that happened

“Before an event with possible family issues even happens, schedule a time not long after to see the friend,” marriage and family therapist Sarah Epstein suggests. “Now you’ve become the light at the end of the tunnel for them.” Be prepared to be a listening ear over dinner or a workout session so your pal can vent about everything that’s gone on and (hopefully) be ready to move on from there.

Don't Fall For "Perfect Families" On Social Media

The first VERY important step to having a joyous holiday season when you're going it alone is to stop believing the narrative that others' family situations are perfect, Eichler says.

"Remember people only post a moment in time, and only the moments when they look their happiest and best."

In addition to the fact that everything you see on social media is curated for the 'gram, it's also important to remember that by focusing on what others have and you lack, you risk failing to see the great things at play in your own life.

"These holiday periods can become a time of focusing on who and what we don't have, rather than who or what we do, and can cause a negative spiral into depressing and dreadful feelings of inadequacy," says Eichler.

Gratitude is the reason for the season, after all. So instead of only seeing the negative, try some gratitude journal prompts to help you focus on what's actually really wonderful about your life right now.

Make An Effort To Deepen New Connections

While it may seem like everyone has friends and family to spend time with during the holiday season, that doesn't mean no one is available for deepening a blossoming relationship or new friendship.

"Make a list of people you can or would like to connect with, and try to reach out to at least one of them," advises Eichler.

Reaching out doesn't have to mean a big plan or an hour-long conversation. Even a quick text letting a friendly coworker know you're thinking about them can go a long way toward deepening the relationship and moving it in the direction of closer friendship.

Don't have an acquaintance in mind? Then it's time to make new acquaintances. What's more in line with the Christmas spirit than attending a Meetup or event full of people eager to make new friends?

"Join groups with similar interests to yours, such as hiking, baking, or games. Push your boundaries and be brave - you might find new people who have much in common with you."

Give Back

The holiday season is a great time to focus on giving back to your community, and coincidentally, acts of generosity and kindness are known to reduce loneliness and help people feel happier. One study found that knowing a few of your neighbors and doing small acts of kindness for them — such as cheering them up, listening to them, mowing their lawn, providing advice about local business recommendations and job opportunities, and chatting over the fence — was statistically correlated with feeling less lonely and having a lower risk of depression.

Helping out elderly neighbors can be a particularly gratifying way to give back.

"Notice older lonely people in your neighborhood or community who might have no family at all, and offer to help them," says Eichler. "These can become mutually meaningful connections, and help you 'adopt' a grandparent."

Connect With Others Online

Finally, use the Internet for its highest and best purpose: to connect people. Whether you're using Meetup to find in-person events, digital forums for having conversations about special interests, or programs like Circle for getting support from others in your situation, the opportunities to create new connections are practically endless.

"There are many interest groups that can be found digitally, where or any person can connect with others in the same life stage, going through the same challenges, or who would like to explore the same interests," Eichler states. "Meaningful connections can be formed easily in these circumstances. The Internet enables us to find and connect to people all over the world who fit this, and to whom we can become more easily attached, as we are able to find people with the exact interests that energize us."

The Last One by Rachel Howzell Hall

Kai awakens in a desolate land of disease and beasts void of memories to explain who she is or how she arrived. In pursuit of the Sea of Devour before things worsen, she is offered help from an unbelievably skilled, but equally as annoying blacksmith. In the kingdom of Vinevridth, where there is more to people than what meets the eye, Kai’s questions multiply, particularly about the blacksmith whose secrets may be deadly.

The Serpent and The Wolf by Rebecca Robinson

Shaped by a lifetime of training, Vaasa Kozár is a force to be reckoned with. Following the death of her mother, Vaasa inherits the same dark magic that claimed her and now feels death’s shadow looming. Her ruthless brother, seeing Vaasa as a threat to his crown, schemes to ensure her death will be the catalyst to war by marrying her off to a cruel foreign leader. Determined to survive, Vaasa finds herself presented with a nearly irresistible deal: her freedom and control over her dark magic for helping her husband's quest for power. But with everything at stake, she’s trapped between trust and an arrangement that starts to feel unexpectedly real.

Onyx Storm by Rebecca Yarros

With nearly eighteen months of training at Basgiath War College behind her, Violet Sorrengail realizes that the time for preparation has ended. Battle has begun, trust is scarce, and enemies linger in every direction. Determined to protect her dragons, her home, and everyone she loves, Violet embarks on an arduous journey in search of allies to stand alongside Navarre, bearing a heavy secret. The kind of secret that threatens to ruin everything. The pressure mounts and a deadly storm takes shape, but only Violet can find the truth.

Warrior of Legend by Kendare Blake

The price of becoming an Aristene is high, and now Reed bears the title of a Glorious Death, guiding heroes who exchanged their lives for glory. She buries herself in these duties, harvesting heroes tirelessly to try and distance herself from the memories of the prince she left behind. Summoned to guide a princess to a glorious marriage, Lyonene offers Reed a chance to take the place of the hero who isn’t fated to die. The mission turns out to be anything but simple. Familiar faces reappear, an old enemy threatening the Aristine, and the prince she loves, Hestion, a suitor of the princess. Loyalty is broken, death strikes, and Reed wonders how much more she can sacrifice to save her sisters and herself.

The Last Dragon of East by Katrina Kwan

Leading a relatively quiet life, twenty-five-year-old Sai manages the family tea house while caring for his sick mother, though his side job is a bit less traditional. He is a matchmaker, a career foraged from his gift to see the red threads of fate that connect soulmates. He has only ever seen his thread as gray and frayed, but a pair of dragon scales claimed by the family doctor to be a miracle cure, change everything. Sai’s once average life of ignoring past-due notices, is replaced with magical and mortal adventures.

Gentlest of Wild Things by Sarah Underwood

Desire is more than just a feeling on the island of Zakynthos; it’s love itself, bottled and sold at the highest price by the power seeking Leandros, descendant of the god Eros. Eirene and her twin sister Phoebe have avoided its lure, until Leandros interest turns to Phoebe as his next bride. Eirene strikes a deal to keep her sister safe: complete four detailed tasks and Leandros bride will have to marry someone else. It’s apparent to Eirene that something larger is at play and it has to do with Desire and Lamia, Leandros’s locked away daughter. Lamia, longing for the taste of freedom, builds a bond with Eirene but the cost of freedom is bloody when something deadly stalks the night.

The Witch of Wol Sin Lake by Lena Jeong

With the Netherking sent into the Deep, Mirae’s queendom is saved, but not without consequence. Her older brother Minho is possessed and tormented by the Netherking in the Deep and in an effort to save him, Mirae will be faced with an impossible decision. Now the Netherking possesses the powerful pearl of Seolla and as Mirae races through time with her divine powers she uncovers truths that shake her trust in faith and the future. Mirae must decide how far she is willing to go because to defeat the Netherking will take a sacrifice she may be unwilling to bear.

Mistress of Lies by K. M. Enright

Shan LeClaire, born of a powerful, but disgraced Blood Worker, has revenge on her mind. Her first step for vengeance is paved to save her brother and ends in the assassination of her father, now replacing him as head of the family. Samuel Hutchinson, gifted but reluctant, falls deeply into the world of magic after discovering the victim of a magical serial killer. Tasked by the Eternal King to catch the killer, Samuel’s path begins to converge with Shan and Isaac, a mysterious Royal Blood Worker. Entangled in Shan’s dangerous web of desire and deception, he must decide if his nation’s safety is worth the cost of his soul.

A Tribute of Fireby Sariah Wilson

Every year, Ilion sacrifices two Locrian maidens to an earth goddess in a ritual that hasn't seen a survivor for a millennium. This year, Princess Lia is one of the hunted, along with her untrained sister Quynh. Navigating the labyrinthine streets, endless decisions, and dead ends Lia finds herself cautiously enamored with Jason, an Ilionian sailor. The pressure is on Lia to survive and break the curse, saving every young woman from having to walk the same path.

The Rose Bargain by Sasha Peyton Smith

Ivy Benton lives in England where one bargain is given to every citizen by their immortal fae queen. Exchanging a memory or taste for beauty or talent to attract a suitor is the expectation for elite young women. Except this year's debut season features the ultimate prize, Prince Bram, the fae queen's son. Winning the competition for his heart could free her sister from a destructive bargain and save her family from ruin. But every fae deal has a sinister plot, and life as she knows it may never be the same.

The Fury of the Gods by John Gwynne

Varg has earned his spot as an accepted member of the Bloodsworn, but his greatest challenge lies ahead: slaying a dragon. In Snakavik, Elvar battles for control and faces the impossible task of taming a wolf god. Biórr’s bloodthirsty warband moves north and Guðvarr works to achieve Lik-Rifa’s favor. All roads lead to Snakavik where the final battle will show the true fury of the gods.

A Language of Dragons by S.F. Williamson

Viv has a handful of plans. She is going to follow the rules, get a summer internship studying dragon languages and protect her sister from the dangers of Third Class. But midnight strikes and Viv’s effort to free one dragon has ignited a civil war. Whether her family returns home or they all die rests on Viv after she is brought to Bletchley Park as a codebreaker. Viv begins to see that the peace treaty binding human and dragon societies is corrupt and she may be the key to exposing it all.

S(Kin) by Ibi Zoboi

Every new moon, fifteen-year-old Marisol sheds her skin and transforms into a fireball witch, sustaining her own life by feeding on others. Brooklyn’s bright lights and bolted doors make this no easy task, and she longs to break free from this place, old traditions, and her mother. Meanwhile, seventeen-year-old Genevieve is facing her own struggles with a skin condition and the chaos of her newly born siblings. A new nanny reveals a family secret and a connection to Marisol, and Gen stumbles on answers to unasked questions. As the girls’ paths intertwine, they discover that the magic they share may have more consequences to the relationships around them than any ancient magic.