It's never easy to move on from a partner. No matter how much time you spend together, opening yourself up to another person and sharing intimate moments with them connects you in an incredibly deep way. But if you're constantly fighting, or even if you're just growing in different directions, it's important for your mental and emotional health to know when to end a relationship.
When looking to break up with your partner, etiquette expert and author Sharon Schweitzer says to make sure you do it kindly. "Take the time to think about what you want to say, and create a plan to make this split as simple as possible.” Before you start cobwebbing your life or jumping on a new dating app, keep reading for everything you need to know about calling it quits.
When To End A Relationship
1. Your Relationship Is Imbalanced
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Everyone can be selfish, and it's important to give someone grace, especially when you love them. However, if your S.O. is consistently taking advantage of your kindness, refusing to respect your boundaries, or refusing to compromise on important issues, it could be a sign that it's time to part ways.
According to Gottman Institute Certified Therapist Zach Brittle, a breakup breaks down to what you both want and whether you're willing to give that to each other. “Ask yourself how your relationship affects you spiritually, emotionally and socially," Brittle tells us. "Are those effects positive?”
Relationships aren't just 50/50, they're 100/100 and you deserve to be treated with as much love and respect as you give to others.
2. Your Partner Is Far Away
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First, a disclaimer: long distance relationships aren't bad by themselves. In fact, they can have their perks! But we can't deny that it's difficult to be romantically involved with someone who lives far away from you. If you and your partner have gotten to a point where you're missing too much of each other's lives or you're in different areas indefinitely, it could be time to consider whether your lives are headed in the same direction.
3. You're Not On The Same Page
If you've realized that you and your S.O. don't want the same things in life, then it's very important to consider whether you're actually working as a team. The situations will be different for every relationship — maybe you want kids and your partner doesn't, or your partner wants to move to a part of the world that you don't want to live in.
Big life changes definitely require sacrifice, but if neither of you are willing to change your mind, you might be dealing with an impending breakup that should be addressed. The last thing you want is to end up resenting each other.
4. Your Partner Is Toxic
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"When a relationship is harming us more than it is helping us, we’re going to notice an impact in other areas of our life," LMFT, psychotherapist, and author of Toxic Positivity Whitney Goodman tells us about friendships, but the sentiment can definitely be applied to romantic relationships as well.
"You may not realize how much time you’re spending managing people’s emotions, walking on eggshells, and coordinating plans that you don’t actually enjoy. When we spend excessive time in these areas, we’re unable to focus on the other areas of our life that really matter."
If you're experiencing the effects of gaslighting or manipulation, check out sites like Love Is Respect for more information or to reach out to someone. If you're in an abusive relationship, please contact RAINN for specialized assistance.
The Aftermath: Dealing With The Effects Of Your Breakup
If You Broke Up With A Partner Your Family Loves: Dr. Carmen Harra and Alexandra Harra recommend keeping your explanations to a minimum. Your family and friends will definitely have questions, but you don't want to be confused, however good their intentions are. "The more you explain the details to others, the more they will bombard you with their advice and suggestions," Alexandra says. "This might confuse or upset you, and chances are that with a pending breakup, you’re already going through a tough time.”
If You Want To Get Back Together And Don't Know Why: According to a study from the Norwegian University of Science and Technology and the University of New Mexico, times of distress in a relationship can release oxytocin (the "love hormone"). Feeling those emotions can be confusing, but if you're considering getting back together, it's important to remember why you broke up in the first place before diving back in.
If You're Getting Over A Holiday Breakup: While it might make you feel like the holidays are bad, breaking up during this time of year can actually be a great time if you have a good support system. Being surrounded by friends and family can make it a little easier to handle, according to Julienne Derichs, a licensed couples counselor with Couples Counseling Today.
“When I work with clients that have gone through a breakup, we work toward the concept of: Be kind, be compassionate, show empathy," Derichs says. "Then lead your life and see who shows up."
Do you have any advice on when to end a relationship? Check out our email newsletter and our Relationships page for more advice on all the relationships in your life.
