I have a very vivid memory of seeing Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith grace the cover of Essence Magazine in the early 2000s. At the time, their marriagemeant everything to the public. They had a seemingly beautiful union while having successful careers, making them couples goals for a lot of people. I was too young to understand the gravity of adult relationships, but I knew I liked the characters they chose to play on TV and films.
What I've come to learn is that sometimes people love you right up until they don't. All it takes is making one too many decisions that don't align with their view of perfection or 'normal.' Between Will Smith's slap heard around the world at the Oscars to Jada Pinkett's 'entanglement' with a former scorned lover, the public's admiration quickly waned. It seemed like people were suddenly tired of the very people they once praised. Let me tell you — I'm very familiar with being adored and canceled by the same group of people. It's lonely living in the space between consistently apologizing, being shunned, and having to rebuild yourself as well as the people you let get close.
In other words, I'm a big ole recovering people pleaser — I'm talking textbook definition. My philosophy used to be "Get the good grades, stay out of disciplinary trouble at school and church, and be as respectful as possible so adults will think you're one of the 'good girls.'" There was nothing more in the world I aspired to be than to be a good person who was praised. So when I see Will and Jada putting themselves out there, only to be dissected and dismissed depending on who perceives them in the moment, it stirs up a lot.
Along with this realization — and devouring their respective memoirs, Worthy and Will — here's why I stand by Jada Pinkett and Will Smith.
Will Smith And Jada Pinkett Smith are still human like the rest of us.
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The thing about placing people on pedestals is they're bound to fall off at some point. Will and Jada went from being America's darling couple that could do no wrong to being shunned over the years. A few opinions I've seen on social media this week are:
- "Jada keeps looking for reasons to embarrass Will. She must really hate him."
- "I feel bad that their kids had to grow up in such a dysfunctional household."
- "No wonder their kids don't really like them! They're a hot mess!"
Initially, I agreed with the public's opinion about Jada Pinkett and Will given things they've shared in recent years. Joining others as I discussed their 'fall from grace' was almost like being swept out to sea. It's easy to follow the crowd when you're not being villanized, but I forgot what happens when you're at the mercy of negative opinions. The only thing that shook me out of this was something small, but impactful — a comment on Instagram where one woman dared to offer a different opinion that insinuated Jada Pinkett Smith isn't a villain because Will Smith isn't a victim.
Suddenly, I felt uneasy about blaming her for the 'demise' of their relationship, and remembered they're still people regardless of their celebrity status. It made me wonder just how much society places celebrities on pedestals. Certified Psychology Expert and Life Coach Bayu Prihandito of Life Architekture said, "Celebrities often become projections of our own aspirations and insecurities. The ideal couple narrative is so compelling because it offers an idea of perfection we can aspire to." He then said, "...it can also lead to unrealistic expectations and comparisons, causing people to undervalue the uniqueness and authenticity of their own relationships."
Instead of relying on other media and opinions to find the humanity in Jada Pinkett and Will Smith, I turned to two more direct resources — their memoirs.
Will Smith And Jada Pinkett Smith helped me confront my preconceived notions about the nuclear family.
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Being a part of a Black religious community often means I grew up seeing a strong emphasis placed on the nuclear family. According to everyone I knew, dating was supposed to be followed by marriage and then kids — except that's not what happened for me. I got pregnant at 28 shortly after the pandemic, and I wasn't even thinking about marriage given the fact I had to start making room for the arrival of a little person. To be honest, there are still people who ask when my son's father is going to do the 'right' thing by marrying me, acting like I'm just here without a say in the matter.
Even when I considered separating from my son's father after I gave birth, it wasn't encouraged. Honestly, it seemed like it didn't matter that I was frustrated with our constant arguments about how to maintain a family. The idea of breaking up a family due to divorce or separation was heavily frowned upon. In some ways, it still is. Prihandito said, "In my experience, the traditional concept of a nuclear family — two parents and children living under one roof — is deeply ingrained in our societal expectations. This norm can create an invisible boundary, making it challenging for people to eventually explore or accept other types of families."
He agreed that it feels like a rule that has harsh consequences if it's not followed. So it makes sense that some people feel betrayed by Jada Pinkett Smith's admission that she and Will have been living separate lives since 2016 — it shook their norms to the core. But anyone who's in a long-term, committed relationship while being a parent should know it's not just about playing family. It takes work to maintain a marriage while raising kids and it can be exhausting. Sadly, our society makes it hard for people to be honest about their struggles and experiences because of how others may perceive them.
Jada Pinkett was always used to putting on a brave face while Will turned to comedy to save himself or others from experiencing hurt. But you can only wear a mask for so long. Eventually, the real you surfaces — including everything you've swept under a rug.
Jada Pinkett Smith's motherhood and mental health struggles mirror mine.
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The more I read Worthy, the more I connected with Jada Pinkett in a way I wasn't expecting. The beginning of the memoir briefly describes her suicidal thoughts, but she later goes into even more detail about not feeling good enough to be her children's mother. This helped me finally make peace with the suicidal thoughts I had last year when my son had a severe eczema flareup. At the time, I was sleep deprived, and it felt like there was nothing I could do to bring him comfort.
When he finally calmed down and went to sleep, I remember bursting into uncontrollable tears. I thought, "I can't even help my own child. He deserves someone who can bravely get him through this — not me. I'm failing at this so bad." It had been a rough year that involved an RSV diagnosis at 3 months old, hand, foot and mouth disease at 6 months old, multiple trips to Cranial Technologies, and TWO Covid-19 diagnoses. I was weathering the bulk of it by myself and I was so tired.
Even though I reached out to my mom for help, no one in my immediate family ever told me they ever had dark thoughts like that. I felt ashamed that I wasn't a resilient mom, and it was particularly lonely because I didn't think I was ever supposed to mention this to other people. Prihandito said, "The role of a mother is often romanticized and comes with expectations of selflessness and endless capacity for care. In my work, I’ve met many mothers who feel a strong internal and societal pressure to embody these ideals."
He also acknowledged that, "Asking for help can sometimes be judged as a failure to meet these unrealistic standards. It’s a silent struggle, where this fear of judgment and the desire to uphold the supermom image can hide the very real need for support and self-care!"
Learning that I'm not the only mom who struggles with depression and anxiety while trying to navigate different roles in life opened my heart to Jada Pinkett in a way I wasn't expecting. After reading the chapter she describes her struggles in, I cried for the wives and mothers like her who feel we can't be anything less than perfect for our families...for the world. That if we fail in the eyes of others, we deserve to be stoned and mocked by the public.
I can see myself in some of Will Smith's actions.
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Reading Will also showed me a side of Will Smith I can identify with. Unfortunately, witnessing the abuse of his mom at the hands of his father ignited the idea he's a coward. Aside from that, he felt that if he could make people laugh, there'd be no reason for them to be upset. That became his focus and mission in life — keep the people laughing and smiling by becoming the world's biggest superstar. It worked for a while until the night he slapped Chris Rock at the Oscars.
The way people immediately turned on him for 'letting them down' as if he were their personal god was astounding. It's almost like no one believed Will was capable of being a messy human because his image — as far as we knew — was so far from that. We thrived on his sheer excellence, and guess who performed spectacularly for us every time? Will Smith.
When the slap occurred, I knew something had shifted, and I was sure it was the breaking of a 'perfect' man. A man whose shoulders could no longer bear the weight of disrespect as he laughed or shrugged things off. After all, Will Smith is human, and no amount of false boundaries can protect us from the day the elephant in the room decides to trumpet.
Allowing himself to be in tune with his feelings instead of saying, "We'll get to that later," is something I surely identify with. I'm emotional by nature, but I wasn't raised in an environment where I was able to express my emotions without feeling like I needed to hide anything unpleasant. When you're raised to feel like your emotions only get in the way, what do you do? Well, you learn to avoid feeling, and that's what Will did for a long time.
I'm detaching from the idea that someone has to take the blame, especially in regards to Will Smith And Jada Pinkett Smith.
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Since the beginning of time, people have gravitated towards the public humiliation of others. It's almost like we revel in seeing others make mistakes, while shaming them for doing so. Like Jada said towards the end of Worthy, "Hurt people hurt people." As long as others don't know about our shortcomings, we can laugh freely at others or say vile things about them.
In Jada and Will's case, the idea that the demise of their relationship began and ended with her is...laughable at best. It's annoying, but still hilarious how she's held responsible for carrying their entire relationship on her shoulders — that Will couldn't have done anything because he's 'perfect.' Ironically, Will discussed their issues and subsequent separation in his own memoir long before Jada publicly said anything.
Of this strange phenomenon to place blame on someone, Prihandito said it's partially due to human nature. "We often assign roles like the victim and the villain for ease of understanding, but relationships are more complex than that. Each partner contributes to both the strengths and challenges within the relationship," he said. In other words, relationships aren't as black and white as we tend to think of them.
Sadly, I know some people will still think negatively of Jada and Will, but I honestly applaud them for being vulnerable in a way many people struggle with. That's not to say I idolize them because — again — they're complex humans who are still figuring life out. But I will say their memoirs have given me more permission to define who I am without the aid of what society and family and anyone else wants. Sometimes you don't always get that from the community you grow up in, and I'm learning that's also okay. We're all worthy as we are.
If you haven't read their memoirs yet, I highly recommend doing so. They offer so much more than the snarky opinions on social media and headlines are trying to convey.
How do you feel about Jada Pinkett and Will Smith choosing to control their own narratives?
Lead image via Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images for Critics Choice Association
