How To Flirt With More Confidence

“As flirting involves a person putting themselves out there and expressing interest in another person, this can be seen as quite scary as there’s the possibility that the other person won’t feel the same,” Murphy says. “Naturally, the fear can become even more intense if the person flirting doesn’t know the other person very well and, therefore, can’t confidently assume how they’ll react.”

Fear and social anxiety often leave us feeling paralyzed. Talking to strangers, let alone flirting with them, can feel like a nightmare for shy people. But Murphy says that working on your conversational skills, and building your self-esteem, will impact the way you flirt.

“I’d suggest practicing flirting in low-pressure situations — such as with friends or in a social setting where you feel comfortable,” she says. “Perhaps you go to a bar with your friends on a Saturday night and speak to the opposite sex as a group. Or perhaps you ask your cute coffee barista how their day is going. It’s definitely best to start small as these low-pressure situations can help build your confidence.”

Online dating is a great way to break out of your shell because of how intentional you have to be with your profile. “You can carefully consider your responses to people, which is a relief if you tend to get overwhelmed or anxious in face-to-face interactions,” she says. “Online dating also allows you to communicate with potential dates without you having to reveal too much personal information.”

“When a person is active on a dating app, it’s clear that they’re single (or they should at least be),” she continues. “This means it’s clear who is looking for a potential partner as often, in real life, it’s hard to know unless someone is wearing a wedding or engagement ring, or literally tells you that they have a partner.” Dating apps let you set the pace of the conversation, and choose to be vulnerable on your own timeline.

Flirting IRL? Try your hand at non-verbal communication. “Give them eye contact, smile, or send positive body language, as all of these are positive ways to flirt without feeling too vulnerable,” Murphy says. “Practicing these skills can help you feel more confident in your ability to express interest in someone - plus, they may lead to the other person starting a conversation.”

Murphy also recommends practicing affirmations or writing down three things that you love about yourself. Plus, it never hurts to buy yourself some confidence-boosting lingerie!

Once the flirting has begun, it’s important to make sure that you focus on talking and acting like yourself. The end goal of flirting is to connect with someone in real life, so you want to make sure that connection is authentic.

“Express your genuine interest and personality. Never pretend to be someone you’re not as it’s counterproductive, and will be easy to spot and may make the conversation awkward,” she says. “If you present yourself differently over text than you do in person, you may risk creating a false impression that may not be sustainable in the long term. Instead of adopting a different approach to flirting over text, I’d recommend that you find your natural style of communication, which is often an extension of your personality.”

Murphy recommends finding your natural style of communication (like using humor if you’re naturally witty, or asking questions if you’re empathetic). But these conversations aren’t just about your prospective partner — they’re also about you.

“You should also analyze how YOU feel when someone flirts with you,” she says. “Do you feel more comfortable with direct compliments, or do you prefer something more subtle? Do you like people who are coy, or a little bit more direct? By paying attention to how you feel, you’ll start to identify what feels most natural and comfortable for you.”

If you’re ready to take the plunge but still have some nerves, ask your friends to read your messages before you send them. “Not only will they be able to offer advice based on their experiences and knowing your personality, but chances are they’ll find it fun, too,” she says. “By doing all of the above, you’ll develop a flirting style that feels natural and comfortable for you — whilst building the ability to build connections based on mutual respect and genuine interest.”

​The Best Dating App Conversation Starters

The first thing that Murphy recommends for your dating profile is that you keep your messages short and sweet. That way, it’s easier to grab someone’s attention. “You should also take into account what is on their profile and kickstart the conversation with these personality hints in mind,” Murphy says. “If you notice that they’re a big foodie, give them two food choices and make them pick one. Or ask them ‘If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?’”

If you’re running out of ideas, a game of two truths and a lie is always a good way to pick up the conversation: “Ideally, the person will reply with two really fun facts about themselves, which kicks the conversation off in a playful way, making it easier to get to know one another.”

“If you want to get to know someone on a deeper level, you could ask them ‘What’s the best thing that’s happened to you this week?’” Murphy continues. “Not only is this a nice way to break the ice but the broadness of the question will show you what is important to them in life.”