How To Navigate (& Politely Shut Down) Your Family's Invasive Questions, According To Experts
The period ofThanksgiving through the New Year is when with family, often after not seeing them for several months out of the year. This is usually the time where everyone likes to catch up with each other to see if there's potential news they may have missed. But, this sometimes lead to the inevitable prodding questions that can make us want to crawl under the dinner table.
At some point, at least one person usually thinks it okay to ask super personal questions between eating yummy ham and candy recipes.They can range from questions about the class you flunked to your love life, putting you in an uncomfortable spotlight. You may feel like screaming at the top of your lungs, but licensed psychologist Dr. Michele Leno, host of the Mind Matters with Dr. Michelepodcast and therapist Alison McKleroy, LMFT, founder of Center for Spark®and author of the Self-Compassion Journal, have a few suggestions to help you avoid that.
Here's How To Politely Shut Down Your Family's Prodding Questions Over The Holidays!
- Being around family during the holidays can increase the likelihood of juggling questions you don't wanna answer.
- Recognizing your own needs and values will help you identify how you want to respond to your family's questions.
- Setting clear boundaries with your family — and for yourself — can also help you communicate more effectively with your family.
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and other self-care tools can help you better navigate awkward and tense family scenarios.
What is it about the holidays that trigger uncomfortable or prodding family questions?
If you had a dollar for every time some asked something that created awkward tension during the holidays, how much money would you have? For some reason, it always feels like this is the time for people to ask the most embarrassing questions in the word. But, what if it wasn't done on purpose? Dr. Michele says, "While many love holidays, others dread them. Those who have close family relationships approach the season with ease."
Still, she acknowledges how that's not always the case for everyone. "People with strained family relationships find holidays unbearable. The closeness can encourage prodding that feels invasive. Sometimes, people simply have a need to know the ins and outs of your life."
However, you don't have to feed anyone's curiosity if you don't want to!
How can I politely say that a question is bothering me?
Your first reaction to certain questions may be shock and embarrassment followed by irritation or anger. Those are normal responses when something catches us off guard. While our emotions are justified, the way we want to respond may not be. McKleroy says, "First, it’s crucial to recognize your own needs or values that are stirred up by the question. If your aunt asks you, 'Are you still at that job, or did you finally find a better one,' this question could likely bring up a need for acknowledgement — maybe you want your aunt to see the value in your work."
She further explains, "It could also point to your need for autonomy and freedom to make career choices on your own terms without feeling pressured. You can respond by saying, 'Yep, I'm still at that job, and I'm learning a lot and enjoying being there right now,'" which places the ball in your court without you cursing her name.
This is the time to be curious if you're not sure what your needs are. Like McKleroy says, they're a good indicator of why certain questions bother you. Truthfully, she believes you look at invasive questions as a good thing. "Navigating personal questions from family, especially the kind that feel intrusive, is a chance to courageously practice protecting your peace and setting empowered boundaries," McKleroy says.
Still, you likely need to set boundaries with your family. "Another way you can navigate prodding questions is by expressing your need for privacy in a kind way. If your grandfather asks you about your dating life, you can say, 'I really appreciate your interest, and right now, I’m keeping that part of my life private. I’ll happily share more when I’m ready,'" she suggests. It's a great way for you to "honor his care while respecting your own boundaries," according to her.
What if I'm afraid to set boundaries with my family?
Setting boundaries with anyone isn't always easy, especially if you're a people pleaser or empath. But Dr. Leno says, "It is best to set boundaries up front, understanding that family may or may not respect them." Echoing McKleroy's thoughts about how to redirect certain questions, she says you can tell someone "now is not the time to talk about it."
If you're still afraid of pushback for setting a boundary, she encourages you to "talk to the host or another family member to help you out." Based on her experience, she feels "there is usually someone willing to redirect subjects as needed." If it helps, I've been known to ask my mom or sister an unrelated question to what I'm being asked to signal that I'm feeling anxious about something I've been asked.
Your apprehension about setting boundaries isn't in vain though. It's a real feeling based on a number of things. Dr. Leno says, "Establishing boundaries can be difficult for someone hoping to maintain peace or avoid conflict. They fear appearing hostile. However, your well-being comes first."
What can I do if my family chooses to ignore my boundaries?
Like Dr. Leno said, everyone isn't going to honor your boundaries based on things that have nothing to do with you. It's hard not to take things personal, but it's worth learning how not to internalize their lack of respect. "There are times when your family will disregard your boundaries, so brace yourself. Prepare to protect your mental space, and stand your ground," informs Dr. Leno.
Also, she says that "even if your family repeatedly oversteps, your ability to stick to your boundaries is more important than their willingness to respect them." Should you feel depleted trying to mentally and emotionally guard yourself, she wants you to "take a break by exiting the room or house or venue altogether."
I personally love doing the later if I'm unable to stay grounded when fielding prodding questions and think I'm about to say the wrong thing. Taking a break usually gives me time to calm down and find something else to focus on.
If you still need help learning how to deal with your family's invasive questions, there are CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) tools you can rely on. They've been a huge life saver for me which is why I'm always sprinkling them throughout different family and self-care articles. For anyone who's unfamiliar with what CBT is, Dr. Leno says it "focuses on self-management" because "people learn to regulate their emotions by managing their thoughts."
Realistically, the holidays shouldn't cause you to feel stressed out. "If you're feeling emotionally drained leading up to the holidays, your thinking may be the culprit. Your worst-case-scenario think will cause an anxiety build-up that feels unmanageable," warns Dr. Leno.
Instead, she wants to try developing "some self-care tools" like:
- "Only sharing what makes you comfortable"
- "Refusing to answer certain questions because the person asking will get over it"
- Managing your anxiety with deep breathing"
- Avoiding the all-or-nothing mindset. It is perfectly fine to limit your participation in the festivities. Give yourself permission to leave early if necessary."
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