What's An Imaginationship And Can It Harm IRL Relationships?

What Is An Imaginationship?

According to Urban Dictionary, an imaginationship is "an imaginary relationship that someone makes up in their head because they are secretly very deeply in love with someone else." While movies like To All The Boys I've Loved Before make secret crushes seem romantic and mysterious, it's easy to take things a little too far.

"When you imagine...dating someone you are into, this might increase your mood and give you a confidence boost, but it’s not so simple," Hintsyak tells me via email. Turning a crush into a real relationship requires active participation from the other person, which might not happen if you never express interest. "The outcome of an 'imaginationship' can be a surprise if you rely fully on your own perception of the situation."

Maladaptive daydreamers (the official term for very intense daydreamers) lose ourselves in very detailed imaginary scenarios, which, admittedly, can be fun in the moment. However, constantly daydreaming instead of pursuing real relationships can stagnate your worldview because you aren't allowing others to influence it.

Maladaptive daydreams are so vivid and realistic that they're almost like watching a movie inside your head. There's also a safety net that doesn't exist in real life because you're in total control of what happens. However, speaking from experience, it can also lead to a lot of isolation and heartbreak because the "reality" you've experienced doesn't exist.

"Our well-being depends on different factors and relationships," Hintsyak says. "We have to prioritize building a community of mutually supportive and nurturing people — both romantic and platonic. If we are obsessed with one person who is not present in our life entirely and there is a moment when our expectations do not meet reality, our whole universe can crumble, which can be a very bitter experience."

Imaginationaships might give us the illusion of connection, but they don't actually satisfy our desire for love or community. When you spend a lot of time and energy in your imagination, you aren't getting to know other people — you're falling in love with your version of them: "We don’t have to face the struggles of a real relationship [in an imaginationship]. It’s sort of a safe ground. We rely on our idea of the person without doing the actual work — not seeing them fully for who they are."

Why Real-World Relationships Are Important

Even though it feels like there are no repercussions for maladaptive daydreaming and imaginationships, they really can impact your life — especially if you begin placing expectations on someone based on what you created in your head. That's one of the reasons why forming relationships is so important. It might be scary to be vulnerable with another person, but it's real.

"Dating is one of the most incredible things we ever go through as humans," Hintsyak says. "It teaches us about who we are and what we desire. But it also can be a complex and frustrating journey. We all have our insecurities, doubts, and ways of dealing with stressful situations, and creating a connection with someone brings its own challenges as well."

Relationships can help you grow in a unique way because of how they require you to put others before yourself — and they can also decrease mental health issues. But that's not to say that daydreaming is bad in and of itself. Studies show that daydreaming can reduce stress and increase problem-solving skills. So if you've got a strong imagination, there are plenty of ways to use your creative power. Try some pottery ideas, turn your favorite positive affirmationsinto art, or host a paint and sip night.

"We need to be driven by something else rather than just relationships, whatever that may be: hobbies, passions and things that bring us joy," Hintsyak says. "These things can be significant or small. For all of us, it will be something different, but this is what helps us truly feel ourselves. As long as we genuinely love ourselves and what we do, we can build loving and mindful relationships with others."