Find The Intimacy Of Do-Nothing Friendships In Parallel Play

The Magic of Parallel Play

There’s a name for this phenomenon – parallel play. The concept refers to a form of play in which babies and toddlers play next to each other, but not with each other. It’s how our younger selves developed social skills and learned independence. But how does this translate into our adult lives?

“[Parallel play] can take many forms, such as reading together, working on separate projects, or watching a movie without talking," says Amira Martin, LCSW-R and CEO and founder of MA Therapy, LLC. She is also a founder of Amira For Him and Amira For Her, two group practices committed to mental health service for people of color.

I see it play out most often when I’m with my friends – when there’s no agenda, no real plans, and we’re just chilling out at home. Though I do love a night out with the girls, I’ve always been on the introverted side, so I prefer staying in. Parallel play looks like my bestie working on an art project while I quietly journal. It’s when I feel like chipping away at my current read, and she's playing a video game. This paves the way for personal productivity – it also satisfies both the introvert and extrovert that live inside each of us.

"Parallel play provides an opportunity for introverts and highly sensitive individuals to socialize without feeling overstimulated or drained," says Martin. "It allows individuals to pursue their own interests while still enjoying the company of others."

“Recently, the concept [of parallel play] has been extended to adults, especially in the wake of COVID," says Katina Bajaj, co-founder and Chief Well-being Officer of Daydreamers, a mental health-focused company that's helping adult members use their creativity for good. "In recent research, parallel play is one of the only phases of children's play that is returned to as we mature. It can be profoundly impactful on one's creativity, emotions and connection.”

Being Alone, Together

Participating in simultaneous but totally separate activities can emit a calm quiet that lets your mind wander to places it might not have if you were spending time alone. Parallel play creates a safe, independent environment through the comforting familiarity of a friend, and it's important that each of you work to maintain that.

“The groundwork for healthy parallel play in adults involves clear communication and mutual understanding," says Michelle Giordano, Community Counselor and Outreach Specialist for Live Another Day, a one-of-a-kind recovery network for adults. "Both parties should feel comfortable expressing their needs and preferences, and there should be a shared understanding of the purpose and benefits of parallel play. It's important to respect each other's boundaries and to be mindful of the other person's needs.”

“Parallel play hasn't been deeply studied in adults yet, but at Daydreamers, we've seen the impact of it on couples, roommates, and even parents and adult children," says Bajaj. "We know, scientifically, that doing enjoyable activities in the presence of others increases our dopamine more than if we were doing it alone, and we've seen that when our members get into creative flow, separately-but-together, they report higher levels of connection and happiness.”

Social obligations don’t need to be noisy and busy, or even overtly social for that matter. Being alone together with a friend or partner is a low-stakes way to spend time away from pure solitude without going all out, and sometimes just knowing that someone is there brings you peace. When you dwindle it down, parallel play means harmoniously existing alone, together.

@kylenct

Day hangout is for talking, night hangout is for nothing 🍤😙

♬ original sound - user90521380347

"It's important to maintain a balance between parallel play and shared experiences," says Giordano. "While parallel play can be beneficial, it's also important to engage in activities and conversations together to maintain a sense of connection and intimacy in the relationship.”

How To Do Nothing With Someone

• Work together at a coffee shop with your headphones on
• Host a craft night for your friend group
• Propose a parallel play hang to work on your passion projects
• Quietly do a puzzle together

“To me, the coolest part of parallel play – or play in general – is that there's no right or wrong way to do it," says Bajaj. "Play, creativity and enjoyment are essential (and often overlooked) elements of our well-being, especially as we get older. There's literally no harm in experimenting with it.”